having a down day!

[hunterli]

This is going round and round in my head, I never seem to find an answer, so I thought I would ask you guys.

I posted a while ago that my marriage was having some difficulties, and we were going to couple counselling. Well we went about 6 times, the counsellor focused on teaching us to communicate better with each other, he felt I was pretty good at listening and making my feelings known, my DH was improving. Couple counselling has stopped for now while my DH has some personal counselling and possibly some anger management, as it was felt that he may be bringing home some issues from his work (he is a firefighter). DH has been making HUGE efforts, he is a much easier person to be around, he is glad that things came to a head and he has this opportunity to make things better.

BUT

I feel really depressed about the whole situation. How did my marriage get to such a low point? I don't feel that my DH will EVER be my "best friend" again, or my confidante. That basic closeness and intimacy which I feel should be the basis of a mariage is gone, will it ever come back? We have resumed our sex life. physically it is good, but I can't bring myself to kiss him intimately (ummm...tongue kissing..sorry if TMI) and afterwards although I am physically satisfied I feel a great empty hole inside. I can't say "I love you" although he often says it to me.

BUT

My marriage is no longer intolerable. DH is kind, affectionate, loving, makes much more effort to help with our children, no longer constantly criticises me. I have to think of the best interest of my children, and for them the best is for their parents to stay together. Does that mean I have to accept a marriage which is "OK" but not "great"? Do I have unrealistic expectations of marriage? Is it unreasonable to expect all my emotional needs to be met by my DH? He is not a bad person, he deserves a chance, but how long do I stick with it before I say "this isn't enough for me"?

Sorry so long...thanks for reading!

Just having a down day, things will look sunnier tomorrow.

Lis

[Julie_21]

I am sorry to hear of the inner turmoil you are experienceing. I do think that what you are feeling towards your marriage will not always be that way. All marriages have their ups and odwns. You have worked with your husband to try to get through the most troubling times. The closeness you once had can come back. It is just a matter of opening yourself up to trust him enough to let it happen. You have been hurt by all that has happened and after being hurt it can be difficult to open up again.

It needs time and you need time. The closeness cannot be forced. What about you and your dh taking one on one time to REALLY get to know each other again? Try something new you guys have always wanted to! The closeness and new experiences may be what it takes to help you "fall in love" all over again.

Good Luck sweetie! You are doing great!

[ILLINOISHUSKER]

HI , i just wanted to say that what you are feeling is really normal.

You've been working so hard at saving this marriage and when he finally gets it and is acting better, you almost feel like "duh" where have you been!!

It's going to take time to get back to where you need to be and he needs to prove himself longer than this little time. You need to trust that he isn't going to be demeaning or hard to live with. I'm sure i'd have some resentment too that it got to that point and it would take me time to get all intimate too.

I say give it time, there are times when everyone's marriage is just "ok", and there will be times it's great or bad. It is 100% work and sometimes it feels like work, so i wish you luck and give yourself time and don't judge yourself and how you are healing.

[CTCyster]

I agree.

It can sometimes take quite a while to recover from a low point in your marriage. But be thankful that your DH is being proactive about improving your relationship. I don't mean that I would ever encourage anyone to stay in a loveless marriage, even for the sake of the children. But it might be too soon to think of such drastic measures.

Time changes things- and, hopefully, you and your DH's efforts to rekindle your marriage will be fruitful and you'll be happy together again.

Take some time to deal with things- and to heal...hope you're doing better soon!

Aimee

[Kathie]

Hunterly-

I wonder if you could go to talk to your councellor alone?

I bet what you are feeling is normal and common.

I bet your councellor could make you feel better about this whole situation by telling you what other people have experienced in situations like yours and how long it took them to recover.

Best of Luck.

[TennGirl]

Lis, I'm sorry you're feeling down about this again. I remember your first post. I really think you and dh are doing the right thing by going to counseling, and it's going to take some time. I agree with Aimee, and not staying in a marriage for the children. Not saying you're doing that! But in the long run I think it would hurt them more. How long have you been feeling like this? Do you think it's something that with time and more counseling, it will get better? Remember, you can email me any time!

[hunterli]

Thanks everyone, I know you are right, I have to give it more time. Just some days the time passes veeerrryyyy slooooowly!

Lis
xx

[Lendi]

Lis, hugs to you. Just wanted to say I agree with most of the rest. If you love your DH at all, give it some time and a chance. You can always get out later if it doesn't work out. I have a little bit of experience, almost 29 yrs married at 16. I have found that there is no harder work in life than marriage, but also no greater reward. There are ups and downs. Unfortunately, you can love someone but not like them very much but it is absolutely impossible to change them if they don't want to. Communication and compromise are your 2 best tools, mixed with a bit of love and yes, lots of luck. It sounds like your DH is really trying and I promise you will eventually trust him at least a little bit. He just has to prove himself. Hang in there and give it a try. You'll always wonder if you gave up to quickly if you don't. Hugs, the "old mom" of the group, Lendi