where to start? (private adoption)

[Mustard Seed]

Only a few days ago, dh and I began to consider the possibility of adoption as ttc has become more difficult for us after my m/c last fall. In two days time, we heard of two still unborn babies in need of homes. One situation is rather messy (with the bm's bf claiming he wants custody because she broke up with him, etc.) so we aren't really expecting that to pan out. The other baby is due in July and the mother is certain she will give him up for adoption. She lives in CA and we found out about her through a friend of a friend. As this is still very new, we don't have much of an idea about where to even start (if the mother chooses to have us adopt her baby). So I have a lot of questions for my cysters who have been down this road!

1. What are the requirements for state-to-state adoption?

2. Would we need to go through an agency?

3. Would we need to hire an adoption attorney, and how does one go about finding a reputable one?

4. Is an adoption "private" when an agency is not involved, or are there other stipulations as well?

5. How much can be written into a contract with a private adoption (i.e. contact from/with bm, whose insurance will pay for the birth, etc.)?

These are the questions I can think of right now. If there are other things you can think of after reading this, please let me know. My toe is only just in the water, so I really have no clue about where to go from here! But I'm excited to get the ball rolling if we are chosen to adopt this little boy. Thank you for your help and advice in advance!

[Jewels]

Hi and congratulations on your decision to adopt!!!

I'll try to answer some of your questions. First of all in order to adopt from anywhere you need to have a completed homestudy. You didn't mention that so I'm not sure if you've done that already. All the states require that when you are not residing in the same state you have to do something called an ICPC or Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. In CA you just have to wait until after the mother has been released from the hospital before she can sign relinquishment so you can plan on being here a minimum of a couple days up to a couple of weeks. You don't have to use an agency but you might find it helpful because they can really check the readiness of the birthmom and support her emotionally through the process. If you're birthmom is in Northern CA I'd be happy to give you the info of the agency we're using. You're so FORTUNATE to have found a birthmom here because CA really promotes prenatal care and makes access to it fairly easy unlike NV where our birthmom is from. If your birthmom is low income she can get Medi-Cal fairly easy and the delivery won't cost you anything. If she is working or has an income then her insurance should cover it but you could pay her co-pays.

As far as using an attorney... you won't need one if you use an agency but you will need somebody either agency or attorney in TX to do your finalization. Here's a link to a website of adoption experienced attys. http://www.adoptionattorneys.org/ I would still check them out individually if you're thinking using somebody. Just because they are a part of this well known group doesn't mean they would be a good match for you.

Not sure what you meant about is the adoption private. With an agency involved they technically have custody of your baby until the finalization.

As far as what can be written in a contract anything can be written whether or not it can be inforced is a whole other situation. Our agency mentioned some form that you can agree to type and frequency of contact with the birthmom after the birth.

Well I hope some part of this is helpful.

Good luck!
Julia
http://www.adoptionboard.org

[Mustard Seed]

Julia - Thank you for answering my questions! I am still quite overwhelmed reading of all that has to be accomplishes to adopt, but I think that's to be expected. No, dh and I have not had a homestudy done. I had heard of such a thing, but wasn't sure whether they were required in private adoptions or not. How does one go about getting a home study done? Is there a waiting list? What all has to be done to our house to prepare it to be gone over with a fine-tooth comb by a social worker? You mentioned that all states require ICPC when a state-to-state adoption takes place. What exactly is an Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children? Just another contract that we'll need to sign? But then you wrote that since we are looking into adopting from CA, we would "just have to wait until after the mother has been released from the hospital before she can sign relinquishment". Would we not have to do the ICPC thing then? (I was a little confused about that.)

When I think of adoptions that go through an agency, I imagine that that drives the cost of a lot. Is this the case, or is that just an assumption I've made that isn't necessarily true? On the other hand, when I think of private adoptions (which I think of as ones where a mother decided on a couple apart from a third party matching them), I think "not as expensive". Again, this is probably just an assumption I've made. I'm not even sure if my definition of a private adoption is correct or not. (Like I said, I'm really new to this whole thing!!)

Why do I need someone in NY to do the finalization of the adoption? What all is encompassed by the "finalization"? You mentioned that we would have to stay in CA after the birth until the mother is released and able to sign the papers. During that time, is the baby with her, with us, or with a third party? I'm scared to death that she would have the baby, keep it with her for a few days while she's in the hospital, and then change her mind about the adoption. When an agency isn't involved, who technically has custody of the baby between the time he/she is born and the finalization is complete?

Hopefully you're not too overwhelmed with all these questions!

[Kaelinsmom]

Alenna- I'll tell you a little about our adoption b/c I think it may be similar to yours. The only thing that seems different is the states and the fact that Kaelin was older when we adopted her.

First off, the mother decided she wanted us to adopt Kaelin so I looked in the phone book for a lawyer to represent us. I didn't know what state the lawyer needed to be from or what state to file anything b/c we are from Ohio and the baby and her mother were from WV. I started calling lawyers in Huntington WV b/c that is really close to where we live and it is where they lived. I was told that everything had to go through our state OH. So I called a couple of attorneys there and just asked a bunch of questions so I would know what had to be done and I picked the one I liked the best. They appeared to have vast knowledge of private adoption (my definition is the same as yours, I don't know if it's right or not) so we made an appointment. They recomended we wait until Kaelin was a year old b/c of paternal rights (I don't know how that would effect your situation) so we made an appt for the day after Kaelins birthday. Of course the whole thing went hay-wire when Kristen (the birthmom) called on Kaelins birthday, the day BEFORE our appt, and said she was leaving town. Long story short, the lawyers office tried their best to have all the paper work legal on that day and she went in and signed everything then. That was on Sept 27th. Our lawyer filed for placement to go to us and our hearing was on Oct 19th. The court made arrangements for a social worker to come to our home for the home study (don't worry at all about this one, we'll talk about it later) They did their home study and we went to court for placement (They said the child had to be legally placed in our home before we could file for adoption) Well Kristen had left town (or so we thought) and when we went to court the judge wouldn't see us because he wanted to see the mother. We FREAKED OUT!!!!! Luckily Kristen called my FIL that night and he told her what was going on and she went to court with us the next day. At this point she hadn't seen Kaelin for 2 months, I was really afraid that if she saw how good Kaelin was doing she may change her mind so my mom took off of work and stayed with Kaelin while Me and Don and Kristen went to court. The judge was very maticulous about every detail of the case. He informed her that any arrangement we had made between us was not going to be honored in court (meaning (and he explained this to her) even if we told her that she could see the baby the court wasn't honoring that decision, once the papers were signed she would have no rights and if we didn't want her to see the baby that was our choice) She told him she understood everything and she wanted us to have the baby. So her court day was done and she had signed everything the month before anyway. So our next hurdle was the fathers rights and like I said I have no idea how yours will be. Kristen didn't know where Chris (the dad) was she only knew he had been in Myrtle beach so we had to do one of two things to inform him. We actually did both just to be safe. We had to post our adoption in the national paternal registry (every state has one but most dads (with custody issues) don't register) I don't remember the exact name of this, but that's what it is. and then we had to advertise in the news paper in the town Kaelin was conceived and born (in our case both Huntington) for one day each week (we used Sunday) for three weeks and then we had to wait 21 days after the last publication to get a response from the dad. After that point our court day was set and of course he didn't show. Even if he had we would have gotten the baby b/c after the year of no support and no visitation he had lost paternal rights and we were on equal ground with the baby and he was a convicted petofile (sp?) so Don and I would have gotten her. But he didn't show up so his rights had been completely severed and we had only one more hearing left. That was the best interest of the child hearing (that was ours) The social worker did a follow up home study and we went to court where the judge ordered and interlogatory order which meant that we would be her adoptive parents when the waiting period of 6 months was up if we didn't change our minds. If we had wanted out of the adoption we had until the 6 months was up. The 6 months waiting period was from the date of the court placement which had been in Oct. So in April the social worker called to make sure nothing had changed (which it hadn't) and when the 6 months was up in April we were mailed the final papers. It really wasn't hard or bad at all. We were a little freaked out when Kristen was taking off but it all worked out. My dad said something when all this was happening that made all the difference to me and I know that you know it is true. He said, "Lisa, God sent this baby to you, it is his intent that you and Don be this childs parents, there is no one or nothing in this world that will get in the way of his will, so you have NOTHING to worry about." and he was right. And now every I has been dotted and every T crossed and nothing anyone could ever do to take her away from us. If it's God's will Alenna, you will get this boy and nothing will get in the way!!!!!!

[Jewels]

Hi again..
Sorry I meant the finalization would be done in your state which is TX right?

The ICPC basically is an agreement that all the states came to that says before they will allow an adoptive family to leave the state with an infant some checks and balances need to happen first. An attorney and/or agency can do the ICPC but then they submit it and I think a judge has to approve it before you can leave the state with the baby. The baby stays with you the whole time. Unless the birthmom says differently you get to take the baby home(or a hotel in your situation) from the hospital. The relinquishment has to happen prior to the ICPC beginning too. The relinquishment can not be signed until the birthmom has been discharged from the hospital. Until the birthmother has signed the relinquishment I believe she is still consider custodian.

Here's how adoption.com defines the ICPC:
Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC): An interstate compact, or agreement, that has been enacted into law by all 50 states in the United States, and the District of Columbia, which controls the lawful movement of children from one state to another for the purposes of adoption. Both the originating state, where the child is born, and the receiving state, where the adoptive parents live and where the adoption of the child will take place, must approve the child's movement in writing before the child can legally leave the originating state. This Compact regulates the interstate movement of both foster children and adoptive children.

A homestudy would have to be done by a social worker in your state. They probably will have you fill out a huge questionnaire about your lives and parenting and then schedule an interview. States do it differently so I'm not sure how TX does it but in CA they have to interview you as a couple and then separtely. It required two different visits. They do check out your home but no white glove test was done. LOL Just making sure it's suitable for a child. Sometimes there are lengthy waits for homestudies so I would check into this as soon as you can. I'd start by looking in your phone book and calling a few agencies to see what they charge.

I don't think it's any cheaper really going through an attorney than an agency but I guess it really depends.

What I would recommend is for you to find an agency near you and see if they have an orientation. That was really helpful to us when we were first starting the whole process. They will be able to answer a lot of your questions.

Sorry about the NY TX confusion. Good luck!!
Julia
http://www.adoptionboard.org

[Mustard Seed]

Thanks for all the info ladies... I'll probably be back with more questions tomorrow though! LOL!

Julia - I am originally from NY and only moved to TX a little less than two years ago... so it was funny that you would accidentally say NY instead of TX!

[Mustard Seed]

Dh made a lot of calls this morning and found a group here in Austin that assists with adoption (although I don't remember right now if it was an agency or adoption attorney he was talking to). She gave us a general idea of how much adoption from another state would cost, but it seemed kinda high to me (especially knowing that Lisa, you said your adoption only cost about $2000). She said the home study would be $800-$1500, the lawyer in CA would be about $2500, and the lawyer here probably around the same. Does this seem right?

[Jewels]

We paid $1950 for our homestudy here in CA but my friend in NY paid only $300!!! Not sure about the $2500 for an attorney here. I'm going to IM you privately and give you a name of somebody at our agency and their number and you can call them and ask what they would charge to do just the ICPC. They are in Northern CA and I'm not sure where in CA your birthmom is and whether they service that area.

The agency in NV that we are having to use for the ICPC is charging us $3500. In NV you can't just use an attorney you have to have an agency.

Julia

[Mustard Seed]

Thanks for the pm, Julia! The bm is in Bakersfield, CA. That's more southern CA, right? Did you go through an agency to begin with, or did you know/know of the bm?

I'm a little discouraged right now because dh just called me and told me that he'd talked to his friend whose MIL had originally told him about the baby. I guess she has decided to keep the baby, although she is in her 60's and the lady that dh talked to earlier today said that she probably wouldn't pass the home study because of her age if she did want to adopt (and at that point, we thought she didn't). I'm sure this lady is a wonderful lady (she raised her own children and has foster children now), but I almost want to say, "Hey, give us a chance too!"

[Jewels]

Is there a chance you could talk with this woman about the baby and your hopes of becoming a parent? I'm a little confused is she related to the baby? Ultimately the birthmom is the person that will decide who the baby goes to.

We started in May of last year by going to an orientation meeting with the agency we chose. I looked into a lot of different agencies and this one really seemed like a good match for us. We really never considered using just an attorney. I wanted our birthmom to get the support she needed and it didn't feel like an attorney was a good match for that. They are handling all our adoption paperwork stuff and the finalization stuff too.

They may work as far south as Bakersfield I'm not sure. Give them a call I'm sure they would be happy to answer all your questions and maybe give you some pointers how to deal with your situation.
Blessings!
Julia

[Lisa67]

Just wanted to send you positive vibes as you begin the process! Welcome to the wonderful world of adoption!!
((((HUGS))))

[Mustard Seed]

Thank you, Lisa67!

Julia - The situation is that the friend's MIL was referred to the bm by a mutual friend of their's, since the friend knew the MIL took in foster children. As far as I know, the bm doesn't even know of us at all. I don't know if her decision would change if she did or not. Since the MIL is a friend's MIL, I don't know how the friend would feel about us calling her to talk to her about this. They might see it as pretty intrusive of us to do that. I think I will try to call the agency you suggested this afternoon. Thank you for giving me their #!

[Jewels]

Whew that was complicated. LOL I wonder though if somebody is nice enough to be a foster parents and already worried about the baby if she really got to talk with you and could see what a wonderful mom you would be, maybe she would come around and advocate/introduce you to the birthmom as potential adoptive parents? I think I would want to talk with her directly just to kind of feel things out.

One of the things that our agency said to us about adopting that made all the difference to me was, "it's not an issue of IF you will become a parent it's an issue of WHEN because your baby is out there." That really kind of put me at ease about the whole process.

Good luck with the phone call!
Julia

[Kaelinsmom]

Wow, I can't believe all of your homestudies were so expensive!! Ours was free. It was ordered by the court and went through Job and Family services. It was the same group that would have done our homestudy if we had taken in foster kids. Alenna- I can't help but believe God has opened your hearts to this option for a reason. I'm sure there is a door opening somewhere for you!! I wonder when these people will be doing their home study. You may mention to your friend that if anything were to come up to hender her MIL from being able to take the baby to please tell them that you are VERY interested!!!

[Mustard Seed]

Lisa - That's amazing that your homestudy was free! Wow! Thank you for your encouraging words!

Julia - Dh's friend and his wife do not want her mother to take this baby, simply because of her age and they know of our struggle and would like to see the baby come to us. Dh called an agency here in Austin and talked to a very nice lady who said she would help anyway she could. She even gave us her cell phone number because she was going to be out of town this week. So I didn't end up calling the agency you had told me about, since the lady here had already given us her advice. She said we should put a file together for ourselves, just in case, and that we could stop by her office and get samples if we wanted to.

Dh also called the friend on Friday evening and asked if we could get the name/address of the bm, since we'd like this decision to be her decision, not the friend's MIL's decision. We don't know if we'll be able to get that information from the MIL or not, since she probably won't want us to have it. But it makes me mad that the bm doesn't even know about us, because the MIL was going to call her and tell her about us, but then she changed her mind and decided she wanted the baby.

I think if we do still decide to pursue adoption (if this does fall through), then I think we'll go to the agency that dh talked to. The lady there was so nice and just seemed like she'd bend over backwards to help find us a baby. I'll keep you ladies updated if/when I know more!