Anyone have experience with Borderline Personality Disorder?

[SarahJ]

I strongly suspect my mother has this. Does anybody have any tips for dealing with a parent who is borderline? I've done a bit of reading on the internet about the symptoms but would appreciate a layperson's view of what its all about....

Thanks so much,
Sarah

[Janie73]

That's a tough one. We're 99% sure my father has BPD, and his is accompanied by long-term alcoholism. He has never been able to hold down a job for very long and is an extremely impulsive spender. His moods shift easily, and any little thing will make him angry, depressed, sullen, or any combination of the three. He often acts like he doesn't feel deserving of basic things like nice meals (he rarely eats out with us) or new clothes, even when he badly needs them. However, he will go out and spend huge amounts of money on any new electronic gadget/tv/stereo that catches his eye, even though he and my mom live paycheck to paycheck (and all the income comes form her!).

I don't know if there's any good way to deal with this in a parent. For a long time, I just avoided even being in a room with him. When I was, it almost always turned into an argument, and he'd leave the room pouting or furious. I spent my childhood waiting for him to change and be a good parent, but now I'm just trying to accept that it won't ever change. That's not easy, but the truth is you just can't change other people. No one who has this kind of disorder is going to change or get any better unless they realize there's something wrong and seek help on their own. If you try to change them, you're just beating your head on a brick wall.

Just accepting the situation hasn't been easy, but it does give me a little peace. It helps that my parents live about an hour away, so it's not hard to avoid seeing him all the time. I do want my son to have grandparents, so when my father sounds like he's in a decent mood and my mother doesn't sound stressed out on the phone, we visit. When I can tell there's something going on, we change our plans. As callous as it may sound, I've also stopped offering any finanical help. My husband and I have helped my parents with money in the past, but it always backfires, and they never make any long-term improvements in their finances. My mom is very co-dependent and gave up on controlling his spending a long time ago, so that's another situation I've just tried to accept.

I didn't mean to ramble for so long, but like I said, this is a tough one to deal with. I don't want to make the situation sound so terrible. There are times when my dad is just my dad and we have a good time together. He adores his grandson, and I actually don't have any problem leaving my baby alone with my parents. When there's a baby around, they just light up, and all the other problems go away for a while. Once in a while my dad even goes out to eat with us, out on a picnic, or some other nice, normal famliy activity. I just have to keep a lookout for those times when he's normal.

I hope that you can find a way to deal with your situation. Please PM me if you ever want to talk.

[SarahJ]

Thanks so much for writing, Janie. Your father's behavior sounds so familiar to me. It was a major revelation to read the symptoms and realize that the general instability I grew up with had a name. Its only been recently that I could assign my mother a label - BPD.

We had a major crisis last July when my mother had one of her episodes during my labor & delivery of my son (Will is 8 months too!). She has managed to sabotage every one of my life events and despite my best efforts to keep her away, managed to interfere with this one too. Its hard not to really resent her, but you've given some good advice about trying to find times when she's "normal" and enjoy it for the moment.

I have our first visit planned for next weekend. She lives out of state and its about 6 hours away. I'm driving up with Will, but am planning on staying in a hotel. Your post gave me hope that we could have a pleasant family visit.

I'm also taking to heart your experience trying to help your parents financially. I have the same feelings of wanting to rescue her, but its been my impression that her financial (& emotional) issues are really a black-hole and even a million dollars wouldn't help set things right for the long term.

Thank you so much for writing. You've given me a lot to think about, and even some hope. It's deeply appreciated.

Sarah

[Janie73]

I hope that you have a nice visit. Just remember that it's ok to retreat to the hotel whenever you need to. I've found that babies can be a great way to get out of a tense situation: it's naptime, time for a feeding, bath, etc.

My parents had to live with us for 6 months after Hurricane Katrina blew the roof off their rental house, so my husband and I have talked about how to cope with them a lot lately. I think the hardest thing to remember is that BPD is a mental illness and is probably not something that my father or your mother can control. Having experience post-partum depression, I think I have a better understanding of it now, but it is still hard to accept. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that it's not his fault.

Hang in there, and please post or PM me if you want to talk!

[Jill Ann]

Just wanted to let you know that there's an excellent book for people who have a person with BPD in their lives, called "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

Some basic characteristics of BPD include:

-very black and white, either/or thinking (no in between or gray areas)

- tend to idolize a person to the point that this person can do no wrong (put them on a pedestal) and also can 'demonize' people, where they think this person is all bad (or gets the blame for a lot of things)

-usually have a history of being abused as a child (emotionally, sexually, physically)

-Tend to twist around things you say and use it against you (to the point you begin to wonder if you're crazy)

-Addictions (drug or alcohol) are common in BPD's (they feel rotten inside and try to find something to numb their pain or help them cope)

-Rages.....almost explosive anger that can surface in an instant, and disappear just as fast (and the BPD claims not to know why YOU'RE so upset at THEM).

-Can take on the characteristics and/or personalities of others, because those with BPD don't always have a strong identity or sense of who they are (like a cardboard cake with pretty icing....looks great on the outside but there's nothing to it on the inside)

-Long history of depression and even suicide gestures/attempts

I work in the mental health field and I'm fascinated by this Personality Disorder......(but am also very glad I don't have a BPD in my life!!)

[Janie73]

This isn't my thread, but I wanted to thank you for the reccommendation -- I may have to get that book. I'm always amazed when I see that list of symptoms/chracteristics. It sounds so much like my father it's just eerie.

[SarahJ]

Jill Ann: Thanks so much for your thoughts. I'll definitely pick up that book. It always helps to look at these situations clinically to not take things so personally.

Janie: You are a wonderful person for taking your parents in. It can't have been easy. My mother "turned" on my husband and its been painful for him too.

I too, had PPD, but was lucky to have a wonderful therapist. I never thought of applying the "PPD Analogy" to my mom. Its only recently that I've started to accept that she can't help herself.