Need some advice!!! Please help.

[jusagamom]

Ok.. I am going to try and keep this as easy to understand as possible, so here goes nothing....

After months of periodic crying spells, melt-downs, and other various "issues" I have finally decided that I need some outside help with coping with these troubles. I've made an appointment with a local shrink at a reputable therapy center and have received the go-ahead with my insurance carrier. My problem is that I have NO IDEA what to say for the initial consultation. There is so much going on that I don't know where to begin, but mostly I am terrified that this doctor is going to think I am a total nut-job and unfit mother.

It is just that everything has come crashing down on me all at once. I should have been in counseling years ago, but thought I could "handle" things on my own. I realize (belatedly) that I wasn't "handling" anything at all. I'd just shove my emotions away and be proud that I was so "strong".

I grew up with a bi-polar, addict mother and a distant father. I was the only "adult" in the family and it was up to me to take care of everyone. As an adult I am still dealing with a lot of anger and issues concerning the stuff that is still going on.

Anyway, in an effort to run away from my crazy family, I marry a local boy straight out of high school. Not a smart move since he turned out to be an abusive, cheating spouse. After a nasty divorce and many legal fees, I find myself with sole and legal custody of two kids, but as a single mother without a job. I decide to go back to school. I did manage to get an associate degree in both nursing and education (couldn't decide what I wanted to do) and currently have a job as a parapro in the local school while I take night classes to finish getting my BSN.

Ok... so far so good.... While in school, I meet and fall in love with my current husband. It is probably the ONLY good decision I've made in my life (besides having my two kids), but it has also played a part in a lot of the problems that I am dealing with now. Trying to blend our family has been an adventure all in itself, but currently, we are going through a lot of struggles with his ex wife (who as fate would have it, is also bi-polar and tends to hang out on the depressive side) My hubby was awarded sole and legal custody of his daughter with only supervised visits from her bio-mom. It has not fared well for his daughter who cannot understand why her mom is the way she is. She is having a difficult time in school, is acting out, and wants nothing to do with me on most days.

Financially, we are really hurting, but emotionally we are just struggling. Ok... here it goes: I absolutely cannot stand my hubby's daughter. There... I said it. I feel horrid, but that is how I feel. On one level I can logically understand why things are the way they are, but on an emotional level, I can't help the way I feel towards this child. I feel like the wicked stepmother and to be honest, I have ACTED like the wicked stepmother. Don't get me wrong, I haven't abused her or anything, but I sure haven't "built her up" either. I have two kids of my own that I feel are getting lost in this mess, and I really don't want to deal with my step-daughter's neediness 24/7 anymore.

Add to that: the PCOS, recently diagnosis of diabetes, the death of my brother, a miscarriage, my own pre-teen daughter, etc. and I don't know if I am coming or going.

So... that is only a slice of it all. There are layers and sublayers of "issues" interconnecting and weaving a web that is suffocating me. Where do I begin? Oh, in addition I have been "self-medicating" lately (hubby's pain pills) and have no problem spending hours in bed when I want to escape from it all. I am not "sad" or suicidal, but I am ashamed that I am not coping real well with things. I feel like I am going to "break" at any moment.

Please someone give me some advice... I feel crazy. Where do I even begin with the doctor?

[Jane8660]

Hi, so sorry you are going through this, its very painful and very hard.
Say to your doctor exactly what you have said here.
That you have a number of life pressures at the moment, that you under an unreasonable amount of stress and feel that you are not able to cope. That you experience crying spells and are using your husbands pain killers to stop your own emotional pain.
For me, my parents were great but my mother did suffer bouts of depression (post natal initially), this caused me to shutdown all emotions and be the 'strong' one.
I have a fantastic husband whose father is bipolar - this obviously brings some pressures but thankfully (touch wood) his medicated and is going well.
At the time I was dealing with a number of stresses as well organising my wedding. Then my husband was made redundant, got a new job, thought we were back on track and then I got the PCOS diagnosis.
I thought I was coping okay but something didn't feel quite right, slowly I was unravelling & drinking alcohol to cope (not alcoholic but certainly alcohol dependant).
I went to the GP and explained exactly what was going on.
I was given Lexapro 20mg which I have now stopped taking because I'm ttc and have just suffered a miscarriage.
For me I believe it is the psychotherapy or counselling that has helped the most, I would be asking you doctor to refer you to someone.
Good luck and there is hope (((HUGS))))