Touchy subject (I feel like a freak)

[MyBabalooBean]

I get soooo very, very anxious and can't pinpoint exactly how I feel, scared, hungry, angry, sad. . . my brain feels like it is in overdrive. I find that if I feel pain, I can stop the agony in my head. I am not a conventional "cutter" and I don't do it often. This is really hard to talk about. . .
I will go at myself with tweezers and a pin and isopropyl alcohol. My bikini line to be exact. . . and I do a number. I know it looks horrid after but while I do it, I feel so peaceful. When I start to feel aggravated by it, I stop but by then there is no way I could put on a pair of nice undies that wouldn't show what I did. I also scratch at my arms with keys and earring posts. I have some scars from it but mostly I do it until there is a welt and then I stop.
I have talked to professionals about it. And everything is a temporary fix.
Why does pain help??? Is it b/c I can put what I feel in my head into something visual. . . get it out. . . ???
Please don't think I am suicidal or anything. I just need to talk anonymously for once. No one seems to understand.
Thanks for listening,
Lisa

[LilyHoff]

Hi - I don't have any words of wisdom but thought you could use a hug.



I'm sorry that you are in pain but I'm glad that you came here to talk. I know that when I'm in pain, I eat and I feel the same way that you described while I'm eating as you do while you are using the tweezers and a pin. I wish I had more to say that will help, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

Hang in there

-Lily

[Gunnie]

Sweetie, you are in a good place here to talk about it. I've never felt the way you do, but I think I can understand it. I hope you find out what is bothering you and get it resolved. You can always post here, and see if maybe typing when you feel bad instead of plucking or scratching. There is some great support here.

[violamarie]

I used to be a cutter. I made puncture wounds in my arms with pieces of glass. When I saw the blood running down my arms, I would feel at peace. It was the only thing that would calm me down when the anxiety got so bad. But I haven't done it in almost 6 years. I don't really know exactly what made it stop. What's going on in your life right now? Are you in ongoing counseling? I had an eating disorder, was depressed, lonely... those isues had to be resolved before I stopped hurting myself. I also took Paxil for a year or so.
You are not a freak. I know it is very hard for people to understand what you're doing and why. In fact, you may not even know exactly why. When I would cut myself, my arms would be all bruised up, and my mom would say "you're going to make your arms ugly". As if realizing that fact would stop me! I know she just didn't know how to help.
I wish I knew how to help you. I guess all I can say is that you're not the only one. Please take this issue very seriously since it can get worse. Get the help you need.

[polly-pcos]

i can understand i have been there, not to the extent of viola but scratching and light cutting and you can't understand it unless you have been there.
bizarrly i have always been really upset at the thought of others doing it yet happy to do it myself.
self harm is a epidemic in uk schools, there is debate on the cause but it is a complicated one, and i have known very young kids do it too. i think in most cases it a way to release stress and anxiety, some drink, some do drugs, some do everything
i did notice mine was linked to PMT, i always said if i ever topped myself it would be the day before AF! i stopped when one of my best friends hurt herself in anger i realised what i did to others, i have drifted back occasionally, but you can get through it.
i have a talking puss in boots in class for kids to squeeze when they get stressed.
sorry i don't have any answers, you need to deal with it yourself (not alone but w'out others putting more pressure on) i guess is my tip

[cjboo1]

Anglebean- i have been where you are. Although i used knives and razor blades.... I have many scars and painful memories that are still there. The way that it was explained to me was... Think of your brain like a computer, a computer can only hold X amount of memory- your brain can only hold X amount of pain. When the pain gets bad enough you want to end that pain so you cut, adding more pain to what your brain is already holding. (DO you know what happens to a computer when you add to much stuff for the memory to hold?....It shuts down) Your brain does much of the same thing, you add more pain causing an overload in your system creating the need to shut down..... So if your brain can hold 25 peices of pain and you add one more peice of pain to that 25 that your brain is holding there is to much info and your brain shuts down temporarily causing you to feel at peace.

I hope this helps some.... knowing that there are other people who have been there before. And if you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me.

From one cyster to another..... it does get better and there are other ways to find that peace that you want and need.

[Ms_Peaches_01]

It sounds like you could really use someone to help you through this. Here is some information and a helpline that would help you get to the right place. Sometimes we don't know where to go with our pain and so we take it out on ourselves. Always remember that you're not alone and there is someone to help.

[jlucy]

I think I kind of understand this. When I was a teen I used to cut myself and even have a scar from where I let somebody else cut my arm. It's weird to think I let someone else cut me and it wasn't an unpleasant experience. I liked it. Weird, huh?

Now I'm almost 20 years older and I get these bouts where I get so frustrated and angry and I guess hateful towards myelf that I want to hurt myself but I don't cut myself. I do pinch myself, hit myself, and end up brusing myself and getting a huge headache. It's almost like a way to get the frustration out. And for some reason I feel the need to curse a lot. I feel like a total spastic freak and never tell anyone about it. I'd be so embarassed if anyone knew.

[MyBabalooBean]

Thanks ladies. I don't feel so alone now. . . .
I have been in and out of therapy for 10 yrs, starting with anorexia and severe OCD and chronic depression. I take meds but it doesn't take all of the symptoms away.
It is like if I can put the pain on the outside of my body I am getting rid of some of it.
I have lost 2 very important people in my life. Two of my anchors as a woman. . .my sister who was tragically killed and my mum who succumbed to aggressive cancer all in the space of 3 yrs. I know that this pain will heal with time.
Anyway, that is a bit of the background I think.
Thanks again,Lisa

[violamarie]

I had anorexia too when I was a teenager. For me, that disorder and the cutting were related. It's a vicious self-loathing cycle. I just felt like I had no way to communicate how I felt. Apparently, cutting is very common.. I read an article about it and I think it said something like 2 million Americans are self-injurers.