the will 2 go on

[GothicCyster]

well i know that i'll never do it in reality. im too afraid and i have some nieces n nephews that i just love. i couldnt do anything like that cos ive got my reasons.

but sometimes when something small happens no matter how small, just something to make me feel like the fat lazy ugly worthless person i am, i cant help but think of how id like to never wake up again. how much easier it would be on me if fate would just take over. bcuz im so lazy and worthless and i do nothing & have nothing. i just get so down that i felt like i had to tell someone bcuz its too hard to talk to anyone about it. i just had to get it off my chest.

ive tried explaining how much i have on my plate but it seems to no avail. its hard dealing with all of this all at once and to have people imply to you that ure just ugly & fat & lazy & dont care. and w/ me in particular, well its all true. got pain to where it hurts to move. almost every day. i think some of its in my mind. and everything else. its just way 2 much sometimes.

[SC Natalie]

(((((HUGS)))))

Please relax & take a deep breath, you are not alone & you must remember that.

Generally speaking - It is so hard to not be lazy & change our lives, but until we do, we will feel like sh*t.

Prayers for you, for brighter days, so that you can step towards a happier you & have all the happiness in the world!!!

[Elaineno10]

Some people can pull out by themselves some can not please be supportive here!

I am sorry you are feeling like this today!

[GothicCyster]

xactly elaine! was there a post that was deleted earlier that i didnt see??? now im curious...lol. so pls tell me guys!
but sometimes just knowing im not the only one helps me to feel a bit better. its not so much about how i feel about myself but the way others have always perceived me and i still feel like im being judged. like i cant look in a mirror without thinking how disgusting i look or i cant go out w/out thinking people are talking about me. i think its getting to a point of body dysmorphic disorder. i know i cant be THAT hideous but i nauseate myself when i look at me in the mirror.

[Elaineno10]

Hey don't ya know it is not nice to kick someone when they are down!

[sleepydumpling]

Joline, you are not worthless. Just your presence here on this board has been like a ray of sunshine!

Hugs honey
Kath

[GothicCyster]

aww thats nice to hear...

and i didnt see the posts that must have been deleted but i must say this...maybe some people out there arent bothered by it. maybe their upbringings did not consist of frequent put-downs & school yard bullying. so for you guys that didnt endure it GOOD FOR U! but ya hear it enough, u begin to believe it. and u start to see why others see you that way. and you start to become very ANNOYED by yourself or just by the things you do or say or the way you act and you start thinking that you know people are looking at you thinking your fat & ugly & stupid. and the thing is people have told me these things. and that im worthless.
so it feels bad as it is but especially worse bcuz then i have hirsutism and all that and im just like BLAHHH....so im irritating AND have nothin goin for me which makes people more likely to see all my flaws!!!!!

anyway thanks 4 the support. and i figured someone w/ pcos would understand how hurtful the comments, related or not, and dealing w/ the symptoms, can be. because even when someone says something like, uhh...oh just somethin "innocent" like "why dont you try the salad?" or "the low carb diet really works, lots of people i know lost a LOT of weight from it" well its from those same people who you KNOW are hinting around bcuz theyre not shy about it so even sometimes when they say things NOT meaning it u take it that way.

[Mazarin]

You sound like I am feeling, sending some + vibes over to you, hang on in there.. x

[sleepydumpling]

Joline, I'm with you - no matter how much I try to harden my heart to people making nasty comments, I can't do it. It still hurts as much now at 33 as it did when I was a kid.

People are just scum sometimes.

[SurrenderedCyster]

Hang in there Joline - we care - we really do care about you!

maybe their upbringings did not consist of frequent put-downs & school yard bullying.

mine did.
Does a rape at 7 and repeated molestations ages 7 through 9, being called a ten year old piece of s***, being physically abused by my grandmother, yada yada yada...count?
You're not alone sweetie and I hope you find some peace in all this.
Luv, Kris

[MamaBecs]

Gothic, you know you are not lazy and worthless. You are the only one who can see into your head and understand your reasons for being who and what you are. You are doing the best you can with what you know at the time. Whoever makes you feel worthless is not looking at their own behaviour. Generally these people don't want to change and feel inadequate about it, so they decide which of their acquaintances needs to change instead. Just smile and say that you are aware of the problem, but you like yourself anyway-- even if no one else is listening!

I'm thinking of you and aware of your pain. My family have been intolerable over the years, but one of the biggest blows I can remember was my mother's decision to leave Xenical advertisements everywhere I could see them. Apparently, it was just an accident and a coincidence, but as I'm not seven and a half pounds any more, you can tell I wasn't born yesterday! PM me any time you need to vent.

[GothicCyster]

yeah i think thats THE worst. the hint-dropping. its not like they even care about the risks of pills & stuff. they hint about who has tried which diets and which ones work, just out of the blue! and i retort back that they may work to lose weight but theyre unhealthy. thats what kinda hurts is bcuz people have implied to me to starve. or made fun of me. omigosh one time RIGHT in front of my bf i was ridiculed. i was so embarrassed. in front of my sister in law too. and i guess its like, WELL I HAVE AN AUDIENCE NOW! so then they have to find some way to get attention. sometimes its been just out of sheer meanness and a lot of times thats when its not about my weight. thats when its like, more directed at my behaviour for being, sounding, acting stupid, or that type of thing. or just having to endure humiliation. without the luxury of being able to say anything back. cos u take for granted that holidays & birthdays & when people visit, its special times. u dont REALISE that its just a regular day and that youre not special and that NOTHING is gonna change and ure stupid for thinking that one single day, or a few days a year at least if u count those days up, are going to be any different for u and eventually u start to believe that u deserve it. right now im actually at a point where if someone cuts me short, i take it very personally. i begin to think that its not really bcuz they had to leave. its because they dont want to be around me. bcuz thats the way ive been led to feel all my life and i KNOW im whining about it.
but i really was not meant to be here and i know thats the truth. u know how someone gets something new and they like to show it off for a bit? or brag when theres somethin 2 brag about on whatever it is they got? well thats like me. some people just kinda push me to the side. but when they need help to look somethin up on a computer or ask about a medical problem something THEN im the best thing since sliced bread dammit.
i dont like to go into detail about what actually happened & who it was from. im afraid someone will come across this & get mad at me about it. but im riskin it here...
basically i was ignored & shoved aside. i was taken care of but i believe that a lot of these things led to my shyness.
well thats what happens when you tell a child to shut up every time they try to talk to you. or you tell them to go away. or you just yell at them when they do stuff that normal kids are expected to. and then u leave them to themselves.... so eventually the kid is gonna become an outcasted loser w/ no friends who just keeps to themselves bcuz theyre afraid of everyone & everything.
so in school i had a helluva time, bcuz i was so shy, and scared of everyone and i would sit and swing by myself every day in school & sometimes this mean girl would shove me off the swings so her cousin could sit there and id just try to not let her but she was mean & strong so anyway...one time i ventured off & asked these kids to play and they wouldnt let me. my first real attempt to be social. this was in 3rd grade mind u, and b4 that i kinda kept to myself. ANYWAY....

all my point is really is that im still shy bcuz of all that. i was picked on relentlessly. i was made to be terrified of everything & everyone. electricity, water, germs, anything mildly dangerous. knives, scissors, pencils....i swear, its pretty bad.
so when i go to the store or cross a street or parking lot alone, i get so so scared. when people talk to me i just freak out. im PAINFULLY shy.
anyway...
its the thing that u never really get over it. and to top it off u have people telling u ure fat & stupid and they hope you fall on ur fat ass, just mean hateful things. and then instead of showing understanding, blame is placed all over the place for your weight problems. its not like, "i'll diet with you and try to show you better nutrition and exercise with u..." instead its just yelling and screaming about your weight or condemnation. and what kinda hurts is when they blame someone or you for your weight and then you suddenly REALISE something u didnt before! theres something WRONG with u! bcuz i never thought i was fat! not until all of that. but they dont realise by NOT trying to teach you to feel good about yourself, and by NOT exercising with you or dieting and showing you better eating habits, theyre to blame just as much.
oh and this is classic...on top of all that they praise you when you skip meals and say that the reason youre so fat is bcuz u pig out at night because you dont eat much during the day. or stuff your face or gorge yourself or some other analogy that just sounds absolutely disgusting and lets you see for yourself what a fat slob they think you really are. it lets you perceive yourself the way they do. like a freakin pig wallowing in slop or something. and then when u complain about it to someone, then the person whos saying these horrible things is defended because after all, "they only care about your health". i finally was PISSED the other day and said, dont EVEN fool urself....thats NOT it at all. if that were the case, then why does this same person condemn everyone thats overweight on tv or that they know like theyre disgusting? or talk about how if a woman is overweight her husband will leave?
bcuz i was making myself throw up and starving myself and it was working! i was losing weight. actually i was kinda remaining stable but i was happy. i cant do it anymore for a few reasons. but anyway ... then you start hearing people call you stupid and tell you to stop acting stupid and u begin to wonder if they would think the same if you were thinner. maybe, i wondered to myself, my size makes it SEEM as if im trying to be funny or cute when im really not. so maybe thats how i end up looking stupid. part of the reason i act like that, at times, is bcuz im insecure & nervous i guess. so sometimes i kinda act that way.
i think whats worse is when people think im trying to be funny and im not, its REALLY just me! its who i am! and im NOT trying to be funny at all! im just being me! and when people say im being stupid, im NOT! im being me! so if thats the case then well, do the math...it must mean im stupid if im just being myself. or like i said, being told to shut up when you want to talk.

i wish there was a way to take that all away and let me get over it. bcuz its laughable im sure. a lot of people would ask why it bothers me so much. some people have been thru it. but it makes you feel like such an insignificant piece of the world. and u want so badly to rise above all that and prove to them. but the problem is that u still have something to prove...its about shoving it in their face, not about doing something good for yourself.

and to top ALL of that off, when you try to explain how it makes you feel, and try to get help, ure ignored. bcuz if you talk about suicide u wont do it...but that was just the problem...id tried to leave hints. id tried to tell people that this was how i feel. but no one listened. bcuz my problems were too petty to want to do anything that drastic and besides, i talked about it so they told me i wouldnt. which is true...but i feel like doing it and sometimes i think it would have to be impulsive for me to actually give in. and thats happened a few times where i just get so down i almost feel like i cant take it anymore. i look at my body and i get so SICK with disgust. or just at my face. and i look at pictures of myself and wonder how anyone could have liked me. and instead of trying to confront the PROBLEM, i was the one condemned. even tho i was a child, or a teen at some times bcuz thats when i first realised how horrid life was and that things werent normal for me and i began to question it, well even as a child/teen, whatever u wanna call it, i was kinda forced to deal w/ it bcuz i had no one on my side. not even a person who would just kinda step up to the plate for me.

psshh...yeah well i guess it kinda did something for me bcuz i rely on myself now. to extent. when im out w/ my bf i get so shy sometimes i feel stupid when i have to do things on my own or ask questions. i was also thinking, there was a time in my life when i became very vain. what happened was these guys i was going with broke up w/ me for HORRIBLY ugly girls w/ no personality who would give it up. i thought i must be REALLY hideous if they left me for these girls. and im not superficial but these girls werent even cute. and i know its MEAN of me but it was another blow to my self esteem.

so anyway...i started telling myself i looked good, i was pretty, and just somehow ingrainted it in my mind. i started reading to enhance my mind & working out bcuz i loved myself so much i wanted to do nice things for myself and eventually i became the vainest person EVER! which was great bcuz i felt good about myself & people paid attention to me. when id go to restaurants i was waited on immediately & once my mom was all upset bcuz the waiter kinda ignored her completely lol.
guys would talk to me, hold the door for me, things like that. girls would compliment me & i dont know, i was just so confident that people noticed me i guess.

i figured that if i did that again...i could change how i feel about myself. and it was ME who was responsible for making myself LOVE myself so much but then again i think that if i were to do that now, with my weight and all, that id just look stupid.

well anyway i know that i dont have it worse off than other people but that i was one of the unfortunate enough to endure all of this bcuz im not strong enough, and now all of that is manifesting itself into my deepest fears & obsessive compulsive disorders (which i think mite be a fear of my real personality, which i found out from the Monk site...lol maybe not the most reliable).

im shy to a point id say i have social anxiety, germophobic, a hypocondriac, im very anxious, lots of insecurity, crossing the street or doing any task like buying things at the store can often scare me pretty badly, to a point where i feel like crying, or talking to people omiGOD its bad. im terrified of being poisoned accidentally by everday products like Lysol & stuff cos i use lots of that but got the "safe" clorox kind.
im afraid of going into the water now. sharks...im afraid of stray animals, plants cos they might be poisonous, theme park rides, car accidents, sharp objects, basically i live my life in fear and would be content if i just had a computer in a giant germ-free bubble!

[GothicCyster]

You can tell ive got issues....

[Paulalouise]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling blue and I hope you feel better really soon.

On the flipside - I have walked a mile in your shoes especially when I was in my teens and early 20s and it tore me up the way I got treated esp by those who you think would be supportive - then one day I got tired of beating up on myself, tired of crying and tired of putting up with everyone elses BS. Just because you have PCOS and maybe carrying extra pounds doesn't mean that you're responsible for how people treat you - Did you ever consider that the environment itself is dysfunctional and the people around you could also be toxic?

I survived and kicked ass with my life - when I was growing up no one put any high tickets on me. I got off my ass and stopped crying and got angry. Anger can be a positive thing too.

I once read that guilt is a negative emotion and so I made a deal with myself to stop feeling guilty and get on with my life. I wrote pages and pages of goals, these goals don't have to be shared with anyone but your diary. Keeping a journal helps keep the blues away by letting off steam and it allows you to look back and see how far you've come.

There is a wealth of power inside of every woman you have just got to dig down deep enough to find it and then not be afraid to use it. Every minute that you spend crying over other people's cruelty is a minute of your life wasted! You can be anyone, anything and go anywhere but not if you're weighed down by baggage.

So what my ass is wider than that of Kate Moss - betcha 20 bucks she's not as smart as me...

Hugs,

Paula

[SurrenderedCyster]

You can tell ive got issues....

We ALL have issues, and I am so glad to see you get that all out.
YEs, that's a lot of stuff, but that's ok too, really. If I were you, I would print that sucker out and burn the hell out of it, just a suggestion, not that it makes it all go away or presto - suddenly be deleted from your mind and heart, but ya never know...
Hang in there, we all care, and are here for you just for being who you area at this very moment.
Take care!