How can I get past the anger at certain people?

[minnesoota]

I'm just so angry at my SIL. We were all together over Christmas. She knew I was having a m/c. She's 6 months pg with her second. She told our MIL to open a "time sensitive" gift on Christmas Eve. It had cinnamon and sugar and a cute little note that said "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice....We're Having a Girl!". Everyone went ape-sh*t over her and were crying with joy (especially my MIL). And I thought to myself, "I cannot believe this is happening to me right now. Everyone here knows I'm literally waiting for my m/c to happen. How could my SIL be so heartless?" It took all I had to smile and say "Congratulations" and not run from the room crying.

And then a few days later, my MIL said "If you didn't know you were pg, you would just think you were having your period".

Now, my MIL, she just tries to look at the bright side and it comes out wrong and I can forgive her that. BUT my SIL is such a bitter person, always needing to one-up everyone else, and I know she did this out of selfishness and insensitivity and not out of ignorance. My question is, how do I get past this? Do I just forgive her? Do I tell her how I feel? I'm just so flippin' angry and it's really causing me a lot of angst.

TIA for your help/suggestions/insights, etc. I'm trying really hard to focus on the positives in my situation (the fact that I O'd on my own for the first time in my life!, which resulted in a pg, etc), but this little part I just cannot get past.

Mel

me-- 32
DH -- 32
DD -- 10/31/04 conceived after failed Clomid, went on to injectibles and IUI

[angelzmom]

Mel
I was outraged when I read how insensitive your family was. I am so sorry. That is terrible.

Then to read what your MIL said.

If I were you - I would really try to stay away from them right now. There really is no reason that SIL couldn't have given the present to MIL at another time or when you were not in the room. That is just nasty. I would try to avoid contact.

Do you have anyone that you can talk to about what you are going through? A friend, family member, DH? It really does help to have someone to talk to. Good for you that you are trying to focus on the positives - you are obviously an amazing person, but I can't help but be aggravated for you. Oh, and I would have run from the room crying -- don't know how you managed that.

If you need to chat/vent with someone who has had losses feel free to pm me.

You handled the situation extremely well, but I feel that you deserve much better than to be put in that type of situation again. Remember to take care of you.

Kath

[minnesoota]

Thanks so much Kath. It's good to know someone agrees with me. I was wondering if I was just being super sensitive. Then I started to think, "well, she probably thought it was okay b/c I told her I was doing fine". But then I thought "you know what? no, it's not okay, no matter if I told her I was okay or not". This is my DH's brother's wife. She's a miserable person. It's sad b/c we used to be really close, but she just keeps getting more and more unhappy and nasty. Luckily, they live in another state and I only have to see them a few times a year. Easter is coming up and they'll be there. I hope enough time has passed for me to feel better about things.

DH is okay about stuff like this, but he doesn't really understand how much it hurt me. And it's not like he would ever call his brother up and say "I can't believe you both thought it was okay to make your huge announcement in front of Mel". I have friends that I've talked to and they are just as outraged, but I just can't seem to get rid of the anger. I'm not sure what to do next.

I really appreciate your support. It's nice to have someone who is angry on my behalf! :-)

Mel

[craftyshutterbug]

I'm going to be honest, I would have reacted the same way as you, only because my SIL is the same way as yours sometimes. However, I also know that I tend to overreact a bit, especially when I am emotional like I am when I miscarry. Not saying you did, because you held yourself together.
Major hugs to you, hun, because darn it, you need them and you've got some crazies in your extended family like I do!

[minnesoota]

Yeah, I can overreact, definitely. It's one of my "things". So, I'm trying really hard not to, but I still feel so darned angry!

And yes, giggle, I have lots of crazies in my family, both extended and otherwise! LOL
Mel

[ssaunders1187]

I can tell you.. if someone has never experienced a loss they just don't understand how painful it is. In your SIL's eyes maybe she didnt understand that it hurts wether your 6 weeks pregnant or 40.. Losing a baby hurts at any time! My own sister was very insensitive to my loss and told me I should "be thankful" and she has 3 sons of her own... It's some peoples nature to not care about other peoples feelings. My doctor told me that people will say things that they think should ease your pain, and it only makes things worse.. and he was absolutely right.
I wish you strength in getting through this hard time!

[Tia38]

huge and many hugs.... if it were me i would protect myself however i needed to from these folks... even if they are family.

i m/c right before xmas last year.... we didn't tell anyone we were pg or that we were m/c.... SIL was due the end of January.... mercifully she lives 4 hours away, so i didn't have to deal with her on xmas. we did have ILs around, but since they were clueless they were mostly hinting that they would love a grandbaby from us, but were mostly focused on SIL and her upcoming delivery...

i skipped the trip to NY between Xmas and New Years to visit SIL.... DH didn't really understand, but i just told him that's the way it needed to be.... I did go visit SIL and new baby first week in Feb.... it was hard, but I'm glad I did.

If you can't find a strategic way to raise the issue with MIL/SIL (whoever), either enlist DH's help, or just avoid them as best you can...

and vent here online (or find other real life support).

Whether or not you are over reacting is not the point... you feel the way you do... and for anyone who has not been through a m/c (or perhaps not through one recently) they just don't get it.

Hugs,
-Tia

[minnesoota]

Thanks SO SO SO much gals. You've given me lots of good insight and things to think about. We're all supposed to get together again for Easter, right around when my SIL is due. I just don't think I can handle it. Even if I am pregnant by then, it will be extremely early on, and I will be so worried about another m/c I just don't thinK i want to be in that situation.

ANyway, I really do appreciate your support. Hugs back at all of you!
mel
Hi there,
If you need fertility help, I just wanted to say that when living in Indiana, we went to Advanced Fertility in Indianapolis. They were just great and we went away with our miracle baby! They are very good in dealing with PCOS and other issues.
Mel: 32 DH: 32
DD: Born 10/31/04
Conceived after 3 failed Clomid attempt and one successful injectibles cycle!
M/C 12/25/06 at 5 weeks
Currently on 500 mg Metformin and getting back on that horse!!!

[SheriKCMO]

I'm sorry for your loss and for the ordeal you have been through... it just adds insult to injury. Unfortunately there is very little we can do to correct people. The only way to get past the hurtful things that have happened, in my opinion, is to forgive them when you are ready (could take a while). They never even need to know how you are feeling, especially because it probably wouldn't accomplish anything, and they don't need to know you have forgiven them. It will just be part of the healing process. There are a few things I've done in my baby's honor that I might not have done otherwise, and this might be an example of that kind of thing. These tiny ones change us forever. Many hugs to you!!

[minnesoota]

Thank you Sheri. I just keep reminding myself that my SIL is a miserable, unhappy person, and has been for a long time. What she did wasn't about me, it was about her being that way. So, you're right, I need to just forgive her and move on.

I appreciate your response.

[HoneyChild]

I agree with ssaunders1187 that most people, unless they've experienced a loss, don't understand the devastation of losing a much wanted child. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss...my thoughts are with you.