The husband factor...

[tarita_maria]

Hello girls!
I just wanted to vent a little bit. You see, I can't help but get this this icky feeling that maybe my husband doesn't really want children as much as I do. He swears up and down that he really wants kids, although he admits he is a little afraid of the responsibility. But it still feels as though he is just doing all of this for my sake and he would be OK without children. Its hard to explain. It makes me feel lonely... like he's just a fan cheering me on, but I'm the one out there playing the game alone. I want him to be a bigger part of this. I want him out on the field with me.
Don't get me wrong... I love my hubbie, he is an absolutely wonderful man, loving husband, and he will be an exceptional father. But I can't shake the feeling that I am somehow forcing him into fatherhood, even if he does keep telling me he really wants children.
I don't know. Does anyone else feel this way?
Feeling Lonely-
Tarita Maria

[~*LD*~]

i know i am in the same spot only we already have one child and when i got preg with her he said lets do it...so at the last minute hes like okay not now...well i was already preg. so now "I" have been trying for another baby with no success then i found out I had PCOS it seems to me like we had sex more when he knew i couldn't get preg now that im on clomid now i think we have only done it once...so i'm like whats the deal...i guess that is what has be down also and your right it does make you feel lonely...i just want him to want it like me...so i'm not sure what to do

[Mimi L]

Before I got pg with dd I got the same feeling at times from my dh. I think fear plays into it a lot. Not all, but some men are just really apprehensive about jumping into something they don't know a lot about. It doesn't mean they don't to have children. My dh had never really been in a position to take care of a child before, whereas I had been babysitting and helping friends and family members with their children since I was very young. I guess maybe I just felt a little more prepared than he did. Now that dh is a daddy he realizes that it isn't as difficult as he thought. In fact, he wanted to ttc again before I had even considered it. My advice would be to go by what he says rather than by the way he is acting. If he is not used to being around kids maybe you could volunteer for the 2 of you to babysit a friend or family members child to help him see what it is all about. Good luck!

[Jashobeam]

DH just aren't usually as joyful about the prospects of increased responsibility, less free time and having to grow up completely. If he says he is for having kids, take him at his word. If you do get pregnant soon, remember for 9 months you are going to be more excited about the baby than he is most likely. Once the baby gets here he might be standoffish and scared. In a year he's going to be bragging to everyone he sees what his cihld just did, lol. For men it's more growing into parenthood. It's usually just different for them.

[sinnie]

My husband is kinda the same way. Wonderful guy, treats me like a queen, but when it comes to us talking about kids, he just gets a grin on his face, but says "I dunno" and kinda makes me feel like he is really thinking "NOT YET! NO PLEASE NOT YET!"
He is 25 and I am 22, however with PCOS and my hormones out of whack, I feel like I got that biological clock ticking inside me. Plus my gyno keeps telling me the longer I wait, the harder to concieve it'll get and it worries me.

A few weeks ago I was feeling really *****y and needy and refused to have sex with my husband if he wanted to wear a condom. I had to grab them from his hands and throw them out and get all moody and he gave in. Since then we've had sex twice without any type of protection and I've not gotten pregnant and I was like "told you so." to him.

I just don't think mine wants the responsibilty yet or to feel like an old man. I wish our guys would get it through their heads, just because you have kids, you don't have to act like an old man or anything. I think that's the main thing with mine.

Ok I was just venting too. I know how you feel! *hugs*

[tarita_maria]

Well, I will be turning 36 this summer and he will be 31 in May. We've been together for a long time and ttc for about over ten years. We always knew we wanted children. We discussed everything from what they will look like, to where they will go to college. We also discussed parenting tactics in different scenarios and agreed that together we will be excellent parents.
So I'm wondering if maybe its just my own guilt. I just feel like I'm dragging him through the mud with all this infertility and PCOS stuff. I'm the one with PCOS! I'm the one thats infertile! Its all MY fault we can't conceive. I just feel sooo guilty!
I'm sometimes tempted to just tell him to move on (I wouldn't... I could never live without him!). But I just feel like I'm wasting his time. I just want him to be happy and I feel like I am unable to provide him with the joy of fatherhood.
Maybe thats why I'm so sensitive to his involvement in all of this. He seems detached and indifferent, but maybe thats his way of defending himself. I don't know.
I know I need to talk to him about how I'm feeling, but I can't even describe how painful that conversation will be when he's already done so much for me. I feel like such a needy, sobbing, pain in the arse!
Where do I begin? I don't even know how to describe his behavior--its so subtle.
I know he says he wants kids, but when we're around them he seems a little detached. I honestly believe he will be different with his own kids, but lately I've been uncertain.
I just don't know what to make of the whole thing.
Thank you for any and all advice. I desperately need it!
((hugs))
Tarita

[ttara123]

If you've been ttc for over 10 years, maybe he's just worn out. That doesn't mean that he doesn't want children desperately - but maybe he's trying to protect himself by not getting his hopes up completely, since it hasn't worked for the past 10 years.

I don't think you have to worry about him being detatched around children. I want children with my future husband, and my boyfriend and I do talk about it, but I definitely don't want them for a long time. I could probably go another 10 years without kids and be perfectly happy, but I think he can't wait to be a father. Still, I do want children and a family of my own one day. However, I dont' necessarily care too much to play with babies or little kids when I see them. There are a lot of little kids in my family, with all of my cousins starting to have children, and I'll take care of them, hold them, etc., but I don't fawn over them like everyone else. I know I'll love my own kids, but that doesn't mean it's my biggest interest to be overly interactive with others' children. It's hard to explain, but I know in my heart that I will be a good mother and will love my children dearly, and it doesn't worry me that I don't necessarily want to spend lots of time and energy on everyone else's children.

[sinnie]

I realised how long you've been TTC after I posted. I will bet my money on this, that your husband is trying to back off a bit because he might get the feeling it's his fault and doesn't want to put you through it anymore. TTC with no success after 10 years has got to take its toll on you BOTH.

Guys also won't get close to kids that aren't their own. Just like animals in the wild, except ours are mostly more civilized.

I would like to suggest, have you all thought about adopting? You can keep trying of course but maybe adoption might be your answer. If he has one he will probably be more enthusiastic about wanting more.

[Jashobeam]

I agree with the others. Men often don't care for children that aren't their own My DH never was big on babies or kids, but once we had one he is a great dad!

[tarita_maria]

I would like to suggest, have you all thought about adopting? You can keep trying of course but maybe adoption might be your answer. If he has one he will probably be more enthusiastic about wanting more.

Yes... we've discussed adoption. That is something that we would definitely like to do some day. Even if we had our own children, we would definitely adopt. But right now all our energy, time, and money has gone into trying to conceive our own. Financially, with all that we are currently spending, its just not an option. I am still a student, therefore not working (so that taps into the savings), but once I get my career going we will adopt in addition to having our own. We are just limited to what we can afford.

[sinnie]

Well, good luck with everything and just know we're here if you need to vent. Like I said, I'm kinda going through the same thing, not that we've seriously tried, it's just he doesn't seem to want kids at all, or right now anyway and I DO! >

[Fuzzy Bear]

My DH didn't show any interest in children and was honest when I was pregnant about how he couldn't be as excited as I was because it was me that was going through everything.
Now we are proud parents of 3 sons, 22, 17, & 15. DH has shown an interest in all children since they first started school and volunteered at their school, went on field trips, and became a Cub Leader to be involved with both our sons, and a group of other boys.
We are both people (I guess I should now say,) We are ALL people who help people unconsciously, and are often attracted (not romantically) to people who have problems, esp. children with dysfunctional families.
DH has never regretted having any of the boys, (even when our last one was conceived the day before he had his vasectomy.) We were worried when we found out because we'd decided 2 was enough for our finances, but thankfully it turned out and there has never been regret mentioned.
Some men like children right from the get go, but some just don't know what to "do" with them if they aren't little grown ups. My brother, who has no children, was excited about the newborns, ignored them when they were toddlers, liked to teach them things when they were in lower grades then ignored them again until they could 'hold a proper conversation' as teenagers. Anyone in the midst of his ignoring years were just frustrating to him. He's felt like he was "old" when he was in his 40's and personally I think it was because he didn't have children to keep him young. He chose at 18 not to have any children, and in a lot of ways, I thank God that he didn't since his wife and himself are very selfish people and often act like little kids but not in a good way, if you know what I mean. They are a great Aunt & Uncle, but I don't know if they would be as good parents.
On the other hand, my DH still crouches down to talk to children and I doubt he even thinks about regret when everything turned out wonderfully.
I'm sure if we had been 'trying' for 10 years, my HD would not want to be around kids because it would hurt him to think that it should/could be his kid instead of someone else's. We all get some defeatist feelings when something has not worked. If we get sad because we still aren't pregnant, our other halves must feel just as bad. Men like to be in control and that means getting you pregnant as soon as you want to be. This must feel like he's done everything to a motor and the car still won't start! (Putting it into men's terms, that is!) Seeing other guys' cars that are putting along easily is like someone asking him to go for a ride without his car... i think? Men also hate not being able to stop whatever is upsetting us, and this is another thing they can't control! How can they stop you from being upset, if they can't get you pregnant, whether it's you or him that is delaying it, he can't change it so you won't be upset, and that just upsets him, which is the last thing they usually want us to know. They likely withdraw from involvement with other kids, because they are upset and don't want to end up showing it. Some of our cysters have said how upsetting it is to not be fertile, but having to listen to any other women having children ~ when they can't ~ upsets them. I'm sure many DH's also feel this way and just don't want to get involved with something they might never experience themselves. (as a father)
Why don't you "give up" and adopt.. that seems to make pregnancies happen almost every time with women who are "sort-of infertile" like we basically are.
(I don't really mean to give up~ just that getting yourself stressed out about it not happening is not good for your chances of getting pregnant.) You have to find a way to believe that if it's going to happen, it will.
I hope you can find a way to relax, and accept that DH is just as worried as you are about whether you will get pregnant. Men just have different ways to deal with life's ups & downs than we do. Turning feelings off (at least to look like they are) is just one way they seem to be good at.
((())) I hope everything turns out wonderfully in this New Year, and all your hopes and dreams will come true this year.
Fuzzy Bear

[tarita_maria]

Thank you all so much for your advice! I don't know what I would do without my fellow cysters.

I understand that he is coping with all of this the best he can. I know that he is just as frustrated as I am. We had a long talk last night and he eased my mind. He said he knew from the moment he met me that he wanted to marry me and have children (Aaahhh! Such a romantic!). But he did admit that he felt so helpless about all of this... Fuzzy Bear is right, he wants to just "fix" it. He assured me that I have nothing to worry about. (I had paranoid delusions about him leaving me for a fertile woman--which sounds so ridiculous now that I really think about it.) I know that he loves me and I know deep down he wants children. I guess maybe I just got scared and over-analyzed things as I typically do.

As for adoption... well... we still haven't tried IVF. We are planning on doing it in September. Like I said, we have considered adoption, but the cost of it is out of our reach. It took us forever to save up for IVF!

Anyways, thanks again for all your advice! Big Hugs!
Tarita