Chromosome results back: I feel like crap.

[Miracle07]

My doctor called. My chromosome results came back. NORMAL! Now I feel like crap. To top it all off my thyroid results came back normal too. Then she had to tell me that the baby was a girl. Triple feeling like crap... I feel that there is something that I did.... I feel like I am being punished. We are still waiting on the blood disorder panel but I feel that is going to be normal also. Why did I have to question and not just let it be? Why did I have to know the answers? I wish I did not know now

[kadie]

I just got similar news myself today (unfortunately we couldn't have the fetus tested, but I had the full blood panel done). Thyroid: normal. Blood sugar: normal. No autoimmune or blood clotting disorders. DH and I just had a discussion about my "needing to know" and how it may not always be a good thing. I am trying to look at the positive in the results ... knowing there is nothing wrong with me is extremely frustrating, b/c I have to wonder why this keeps happening. But at the same time, it is good to know there is nothing seriously wrong, that is likely to recur, KWIM?

It's so hard not to beat ourselves up about it. I have questioned everything I did or didn't do, everything I said, EVERYTHING about the pregnancy. I know it takes time for us to heal ... please be gentle with yourself, and let yourself feel what you need to. Give yourself as much time as it takes. ((( HUGS )))

[Miracle07]

Kadie thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. I know that even if everything comes back normal there are so many things going on during a pregnancy that they cannot possibly test for every thing that can go wrong. I don't think that they even know everything that can go wrong. It still makes you feel like crap though. It seems that you and I are quite similar. We have both had 3 m/c and a miracle. My DS is really close in age to yours. Thank you for your support.

[andrea38]

Melissa and Kadie - I am very sorry for both of you for your losses. I myself have never had a miscarriage however I recently lost my one year old daughter in January to a Mitochondrial disease. The only reason I am writing to you is because I found out the disease from which she died can be the cause of many miscarriages. I am sure most women/doctors don't even know about these diseases and the problems they can cause. They would never be detected on the chromosomal tests done on miscarriages because they are such highly specialized tests that are only done in a few labs in the country. In fact it took us 8 months to diagnose her and we actually did not find out her diagnosis until after she had passed. We then had DH and myself tested and it turns out that we are both carriers for the disease and any future child would have a 25% chance of also having the disease.

I am not trying to scare or upset you but wanted to let you know that there can be so many causes for miscarriages that people are not even aware of. I know I had no idea. Sadly this puts an end to our TTC because I would not want another child to have to endure what she did.

I hope you both can go on to have healthy children. Best of luck and if you would like further information you can feel free to post here or PM me.

[Miracle07]

andrea- Thank you for your post. I know that there is so much that the medical community still does not know or test for. I followed your story when your daughter was ill and was heartbroken when she passed. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. I want you to know that I admire how much you fought for her and to find a diagnosis. You are a very strong person and a wonderful mother.

[sherlynn]

Melissa, I am so sorry for your loss.. My first m/c came back the same way ( but it was a boy) somehow it made it more "real" for me. I know thats horrible to say its not like it wasn't "real" before but finding out he had "normal" chromosome results just added a lot more questions.. One thing I did discover was that my progesterone was really low & they put me on suppliments..

Just wanted to let you know I understand and sending you a big hug..

[Miracle07]

Sherlyn- That is exactly how I feel. It made it more "real" to me. That is why I did not want to know the sex. I just noticed that if you compare your m/c's and mine it is interesting... I had an m/c in in 8/03 you in 8/04, you had one 4/05 and I had one in 4/06 and you had one in March this year and I did in may. I am not trying to be creepy but it is kind of strange. Not to mention that we were both blessed with our DC after our first 2 m/c and then TTC #2 had another. It makes me feel better hearing your response and knowing that someone else knows how I feel.

[kadie]

The mystery is what really sucks ... I wish there was a comprehensive test that would test for all of that stuff, that insurance would cover, that would provide the answers we are looking for. It's such a selfish feeling, but I feel like I'm really being robbed of the chance to ever enjoy a pregnancy - b/c I will always feel like something is going to go wrong ... I'm starting to feel like having a live birth is the "fluke" for my situation, and m/c is my normal.

Melissa: We have had very similar histories. 2 mc's, baby, another m/c ... our sons are miracles indeed!

Andrea: I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for the information - it is definitely something to keep in mind.

Sherlynn: That is the worst part of it - I think knowing something was wrong would be so much more helpful to me in getting through the grief process, if that makes sense ... the not knowing why is just eating at me and not letting me move on. I'm actually thinking of seeing a therapist to see if they can help me work through it.

[Miracle07]

Kadie- I feel the exact same way. I was talking to DH about this the other day. I feel like I have been robbed of the chance to enjoy a pregnancy. With DS I was a wreck for the first trimester. The second was also not too fun emotionally for me because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the third trimester I was still waiting and was in complete denial that I was actually going to have a baby. When I went into labor I was also in denial. I didn’t go to the hospital for the longest time because of that. I was 5 cm dilated by time I got there. I am glad in a way that DS was stuck or I probably would have had him at home. It took me a few days to really bond with him. I think I was still in denial that I had a baby and he was ours to take home. I had PPD because I felt like I had to be even more perfect of a mom because of the IF and m/c’s. It was very hard on me. I really did not get to enjoy his babyhood all that much and that makes me sad. I envy women who get pregnant and tell every body the minute there are 2 lines on the test. They go through their whole pregnancy in ignorant bliss….. *sigh* to be ignorant to m/c and tragedy, that would be nice. Sometimes when I think about it I wonder if it all does not just happen… I know I have a bigger appreciation for my son then quite a few others I know who conceived pretty easily and never had a m/c. I have to think that maybe my DS is destined to be something spectacular because if I would have carried my first 2 pregnancies… he would not be here.  I cannot imagine my life without him! Maybe I am meant to have my next baby when it is meant to be. I have really not been a religious person but going through IF and m/c has made me pray and turn to God more. Maybe I was not meant to have this baby for a reason. It does not make it hurt any less or make me feel a lot better but I know that there is a future out there for us and having my son after 2 m/c shows me that it could happen again and that is what keeps me going. One of our fellow cysters said “the desire to have a baby is stronger than my fear of another m/c” and that just sums up how I feel. Prayer has help me feel at peace with what is happening and also knowing that there are others out there who are going through the same thing has helped me a lot. I will always have a part of me missing with each of my m/c but I have hope and faith that it will happen for us again. I also think that counseling is a good thing. We have debated whether or not to do it a few times.

[kadie]

Melissa: Are we twins, separated at birth? I could have written your post word for word! I couldn't remember the exact quote ("the desire to have a baby is stronger than my fear of another m/c") but I was thinking it as I typed last night. I think my fear and, like you said, "waiting for the other shoe to drop" affected my ability to bond right away, and to some extent, I think it still affects me. I love Wyatt more than anything in this world, and would do anything for him ... but I think part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. My biggest fear is that something will happen to him now, after I've gotten to be his mommy ...

My parents both have very strong faith - and I wish I was more like them ... the initial infertility & miscarriage (along with some other junk in my life) pushed me away from God ... but Wyatt's birth, and now this miscarriage, have lead me back - and made me realize that I do need that relationship with God. I guess, if for no other reason, than if I can't believe in the thought of meeting my babies in heaven, I think I'd get bogged down in the muck of the pain & grief & anger.

I have a friend who has had lots of m/c's too, and she has really encouraged me to see a therapist. I have the name and number of a woman in my area, who has been through this, too. My friend said it really helped her - and I think I'm to the point where I need to reach out for some help with it all. If nothing else, just to get some strategies for getting past my anger & grief. My DH gets mad at me sometimes, b/c I hate asking for help ... and he has encouraged me to reach out to someone who is not directly involved. I think it's a good idea.

((( HUGS ))) Hang in there - we'll get through this, and I hope we will both have a second (and maybe more?) baby in the next year or so. You're on my prayer list now!

[Miracle07]

Melissa: Are we twins, separated at birth? I could have written your post word for word! I couldn't remember the exact quote ("the desire to have a baby is stronger than my fear of another m/c") but I was thinking it as I typed last night. I think my fear and, like you said, "waiting for the other shoe to drop" affected my ability to bond right away, and to some extent, I think it still affects me. I love Wyatt more than anything in this world, and would do anything for him ... but I think part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. My biggest fear is that something will happen to him now, after I've gotten to be his mommy ...

!

LOL! Too bad we have to go through all of this but it is nice to know that there is a "kendred" spirit out there. I think the counseling is a good idea. I am debating that myself.

[nae]

Melissa, I was going to suggest that to you the other day (therapy) but I thought you may take it the wrong way... I just feel your pain coming across the board and it bothered me...

[Miracle07]

nae- I am doing better now. It is just so hard not to blame yourself sometimes. There really is no way of knowing what happened and why. You just have to accept that this is the way it is and move on and hope that things will be different next time. Thanks for your concern. I would not have taken it the wrong way. I know my cysters are just here to help.

So the doc called again last night. ARG!! Blood disorder studies are also normal. I am releived a little bit on this one. So we just wait on AF and hope that another miracle happens.