Spirit Babies

[n.brandusa]

A close friend of mine sent me this story, and I just thought it was too beautiful not to share:

It's from a book, *Chapter Excerpt from Part IV of BabyCatcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife*

*Spirit Baby*

Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I'd miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery.

Stunned w hen the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I'd just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility:

I'd been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence,
my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I'd be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.

Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully,
he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it's a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother."

I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don't you know about Spirit
Babies? How could I know about them if you don't? I mean, you're my mom!"
But he could see my perplexity.

So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here's
how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every
woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head,
and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every
month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that's the baby that's born. If she doesn't get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby's born.now listen, Mom, because here's the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it's always first in line. Isn't that great?

"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you'll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don't, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman's circle, and it'll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.

"But it'd be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby
you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really.
I've always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I'm talking about here, Mom."

In spite of Colin's certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn't give up and even enlisted his sister's support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.

Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I'd told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don't understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"

He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes
and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply.

"Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!"

Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."

It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision. So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there's no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed - and made a giant leap of faith.

I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.

[AnotherDreamer]

That's a touching story, thank you for sharing. I like the idea of spirit babies, and the belief that when you lose a baby it's soul will try to come back to you in the form of another pregnancy, until eventually it comes back to you as a baby... I like the idea, but just don't know if I believe it. But it is such a beautiful thought.

Thanks again for sharing.

[T&Dplus4]

Nicole.... WOW! I think I cried a river while reading this story!! Thank you soooooo much for sharing it! For some odd reason..... I feel better having read it!! WOW!! Thats all I can say!! WOW!!! =)

[n.brandusa]

Tina - I know exactly what you mean! After reading it for some reason it helped me feel better about my miscarriages, since one of the things that always made me sad was thinking about the baby that could have been...I much rather prefer to think of it this way instead!

[StormsDreams]

This story helped me as well!

[uwalcott]

This was a very pretty story. Personally though I find it more comforting to think of every baby born and unborn, even those lost, as unique individuals, not as the same reincarnated baby...but I did enjoy the story. It was written with passion and love.

[monaisttc]

I love that story its soo beautiful

[DiamondInTheRough]

I am glad this woman found solace and hope in the idea, and that it has helped others face their grief.

Speaking for myself, having had a later loss, I can't imagine thinking of things this way. I agree with uwalcott, in that I feel each loss is unique and individual to the baby.

[annem84]

Thank you for sharing that. I cried many tears while reading that. Hoping someday I get my own "spirit baby"