Sexuality/gender confusion

[_ella_]

I can definitely identify with how you're feeling. I am 20 years old, and have never really been "into" men. I've had one boyfriend when I was 18, and as time goes on, I realise more and more how unreal it was. I loved him and I was attracted to him, but something was missing. I am now in a relationship with a girl, and it is the most real and genuine thing I have ever felt. I've never loved someone so much or been so attracted to them.

Funny thing is, even 1-2 years ago, the idea that I wasn't straight didn't conciously cross my mind. Although since I was probably 12 years old, all the signs have been there, something in my mind chose to deny it. when I finally wised-up to how I felt (or rather, didn't feel) about men (in general), and accepted that I was attracted to women, a whole new world seems to have opened!

whether I am bisexual or lesbian, I am unsure. At the moment I can't imagine not being with the girl I'm with, so it's hard for me to say. I feel I am definitely towards the lesbian end of the spectrum, though, although I am and I think I always will be open to the possibility of a relationship with a man.

I think PCOS has also played a major role. I have never felt attractive to guys. I've never been super thin, have suffered from more manly characteristics, I'm sure you all know how it is. I have major problems even connecting to men. I am awkward socially as it is, and I need alot of time to get to know somebody and to allow them to get to know me. No man has ever invested that time to me, only girls. And I have amazing female relationships. In that sense, I feel I am lesbian almost by default. To be honest, now that I've accepted it and embraced it, it is very much a relief, I only wish I'd been more aware of myself earlier. I often imagine a life without PCOS, how much trouble and anxiety-free it would be in so many ways... but I'm quite sure I would have chosen to live a life as a much 'straighter' person. There is also the fact that I am currently living in a very gay-orientated and liberal community that has helped me to come out as who I truly am.

My girlfriend is 'manly' in her own way. She's possibly the most feminine, dainty, woman I've ever met, but she feels a need to be super strong, both in an emotional and physical sense. I've never seen her cry. I on the other hand feel 'manly' in an appearance like way, but do not chose to take a 'man's' role. I guess that is typical (or maybe stereo-typical, I'm not sure) of lesbian relationships anyway.

I believe PCOS has made me realise and accept my non-straight feelings. I have to wonder how many people in the world let such feelings lay dormant in themselves,

Interesting thread, I enjoyed reading everyones stories

[pstomcik]

I think you guys are really courageous.

I'm a male (sorry), I'm 28, almost 29, and am having sexual confusion, coupled with a terrible amount of anxiety and depression, the very, very unhealthy kind. I don't know how much of it is OCD, depression, and generally anxiety driven, and how much of it isn't.

Men aren't supposed to ever think about these things. Women are a lot more comfortable with sexual fluidity, probably because we are bombarded by female sexuality all the time (with some male sexuality, too). But men aren't supposed to have any level of sexual fluidity, especially men like me. I'm quite masculine and naturally hetero-looking and -acting and was raised in conservative (but not ultra conservative) environments. Had ZERO indicators of any sort of bi/same-sex inclinations until the first thought popped into my head at 20. So, my confusion has been VERY hard for me to handle. It's revisited me, 5 years later. I think once I get the anxiety and depression removed (there's lot of it!), I'll be better able to think things through and act according to what I am comfortable with. I don't ever want to act on my thoughts, I don't like my thoughts, but I at least want to be okay with it, and not worry that I'm a sick, evil, twisted, perverted freak like I do sometimes.

But, I want to know that you guys give me courage. There's an inherent strength and courage in women that men really don't have, and that's the ability to accept things that aren't perfect, either about yourselves or in others (now, that doesn't apply to all of you. ) I never thought I would find it in young women. I really wish I had that strength, instead of worrying about what others expected of me versus what I want for myself. I think if I had the courage to do that, the sky would be the limit for me, and this would never be an issue for me again.

You women may be soft on the outside, but I think deep down, most of you are solid, strong people. Thanks for letting me know there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and helping me make it through another day when I think there is no end in sight.

[Rebe]

For me, the symptoms of PCOS are really confusing in regards to my sexuality for the following reasons.

I went through a time in life when I didn't want to be a woman (about 4-5 years). It wasn't that I wanted to be a man in particular. I just didn't want to be a woman. I had 'normal' relationships with men, but I kind of floated through them, uncommitted and not taking them seriously. They couldn't be real to me, because I didn't want to be me.

Now I'm over that and I seem to be growing a beard, and have had a mustache since I was a teenager. It makes me sad that finally I am enjoying being a woman, and this is happening. It makes me feel like a 'freak', and not very desirable as a woman, to a man. Especially to a lot of the men I seem to be meeting lately (I have no idea why it is I keep meeting this type) who either want skinny perfect intellectual models or blonde wifey types or just someone to do their laundry and keep house. ALSO they all seem to want to touch my chin and my jaw when we kiss, which is really embarrassing for me because I shave, and no matter what you can always feel if not see my 'shadow'. I am really surprised at how much this affects me, and hurts.

The only women I've been attracted to are strong, independent, have their own lives and don't care what other people think--I am attracted to their personalities, not their sex, which is confusing, too.

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A MAN WHO LOOKS BEYOND THE SURFACE OF A WOMAN??? It seems to me that women grasp on to this sooner, and it is more common to find a woman who looks beyond surface. Maybe because we have so many social pressures that we have to break through in order to survive. Men have pressures too, of course, but they seem to be more universally interested in outer image. Sigh...

The only positive side to PCOS so far for me is that it is forcing me to see people beyond how we normally look at each other. In spite of my hirsutism, my constant cramps and acne, I KNOW I am a WOMAN, and I am worthy of love. I'm just wishing it/he would come soon. PCOS has forced me to acknowledge that I want and need a love that is all-encompassing and true, not just based on sex or outer image.

Tired and Frustrated but still Hopeful,
Rebe

[laurenena]

So I read all the responses, and thought I would put in my two cents. I am a lesbian, and have pretty much always known that I was. Sure, when I was younger I knew I wasn't "the same" as everyone else and felt different. I was sort of surprised to see so many people questioning their sexual identity by how feminine/masculine they percieved themselves. I, for one, am just about as girly as they come. I'm me, and don't like labels or boundaries. So, when I say I'm girly....it's just what skin I'm comfortable in. With that said, on the other hand, I have friends that feel less girly...don't like makeup, would prefer to wear a tshirt and basketball shorts (not that there's anything wrong with that!) and yet identify as heterosexual. Do you see my point? Who you are attracted to, and desire sexually is just that. It's sexual preference...not identity. Now, if you are curious....there's nothing wrong with that! Just because you have been with men though, and haven't found it extremely enjoyable....don't give up! You're 19! I have been with women and walked away from the relationship thinking "What the h*%#?!" You may just not have found a man that is right for you...or maybe you haven't found the right woman. If I were you I would just relax. Enjoy life. Stop trying to attach a label to yourself, get in touch with your heart and start using it. A dear friend once told me "Labels are fluid." Same friend says "What you risk is what you value." Labels change....value your heart, but risk getting hurt. Have fun! And kiss some girls....kiss some guys! You'll figure it out
I'll say ONE more thing....and I say this often to my friends as we sit around talking about our sexuality (my friend group is the stereotypical drink wine/coffee/talk about being gay...lol) If I could feel for a man what I feel for a woman....I would be straight in a New York minute. Society is harsh, although making leaps and bounds....you're going to encounter some critics. So take that as you will...but I truly admire bisexual women who CHOOSE to be with another woman. Kudos to you! And to lesbians, and gay men...anyone who chose the road less traveled to follow their heart.

[isobelok]

You are who you are and deserve to be loved and happy. It took me quite some time, a bad marriage, and many years of hearing that I was wrong for feeling how I felt to figure this out. Reguardless of your sexual orientation and level of testosterone just remember that you are who you are. Labels are not needed to define that. Personal awakening is so exciting and I wish you all the best in your journey. I doesn't matter if you have known all your life or you are just now in a place to accept whomever you may be.

[Giggles2781]

Hahaha Ok, I am new..and what a great 2nd Post!

Well, I am Bi! I came out at around 22. I knew I was different..Just never really thought I was Bi.. I didn't really get raised to see that side of things I Guess you can say.. I was slightly Sheltered LMAO! But, I knew when I looked at my friends at a younger age getting changed *during sleep overs* That I looked at them.. Differently then they were to me. haha If that makes any sense. I was with a guy I was engaged to at the time.. And I Came clean and told him I was attracted to Women. When I see a Women I am attracted to.. I start imagining things.
Well, I had my first girl Relationship when I Was with him. He was very much pushing me to Explore it. And I Was with her for over 2 yrs. But, we parted .. She moved to the other side of the country.

But, I knew after that .. I couldn't be without a Womens touch. I am now Married *to a different man actually.. Don't ask what happened with the one before this.. Rough Subj.* And my Husband is OK with me wanting to be with Women. We have a Open Relationship for that. He knew when he met me that I had this stipulation.. I Wont stop Wanting the touch of a women. And if I found a women to be with the rest of my life before my now Husband.. I would have been OK with that as well.

But that is My Book. It is Late, and I am EXTREMLY tired.. so I am sorry if it doesn't make sense!

[Smushy]

You are who you are and deserve to be loved and happy. It took me quite some time, a bad marriage, and many years of hearing that I was wrong for feeling how I felt to figure this out. Reguardless of your sexual orientation and level of testosterone just remember that you are who you are. Labels are not needed to define that. Personal awakening is so exciting and I wish you all the best in your journey. I doesn't matter if you have known all your life or you are just now in a place to accept whomever you may be.

So true. And that personal awakening is so awesome. I'm happy and feeling alive for the first time in my life due to being with the woman i love. To be allowed to be your true self is such an important thing

[caterrachel]

I started writing a response, but it got very long, so I'm going to rewrite it and make it short. I used to be boy crazy when I was in middle school, and my freshman year of high school I started liking girls. Throughout high school, my attraction to boys has decreased, and my attraction to girls has increased. I currenly identify as a lesbian, and I'm out at school (I'm in college). I'm very feminine myself (I'm a girlie girl, or a "lipstick lesbian", if you prefer) and I'm attracted to femme lesbians. I've never had any thoughts about being male, so I can't help you there. All I wanted to say is, sexuality is a gift- embrace it.

[Noctilucent]

I strongly relate to feeling androgynous; I identify as an androgyne, though it's obvious from my posting here that I'm biologically female and the shape of my body does little to discourage the notion (aside from my small patches of beard and mustache). However, mentally I'm neither male nor female. The best way to describe it is I fit poorly into either binary category, nor I do I identify with the experience of being a "woman". I've been described by a number of people as having the personality of an 8-year-old boy, and occasionally the same maturity level and interests.

I've considered partially sexually transitioning to make my body match more what I look like in my mind (dual mastectomy, going on T) but a) my hormones are screwed up as it is, it probably isn't a good idea to torment them further b) my significant other is a (admittedly not masculine) straight male who's fond of my feminine physical attributes that just aren't going to go away with surgery. My strategy right now is trying to bulk up, become more muscular.

I'm not sure how inherent any particular sexuality is - I view it as a fluid thing, nothing to be disturbed by. Feel free to identify yourself by how you feel given time and don't feel pressured to assume a label. I understand the urge, and there is some amount of pressure within the GLBTQI community to find a term and stick with it for various reasons. The best I can suggest is stick with "bi" (if you're still attracted to men) until you begin dating one sex exclusively. You could always just use the umbrella term "queer", too - it implies that you're not straight, but doesn't quite pin it down so tightly.

I myself identify as pansexual, meaning I have the potential to be attracted to the entire spectrum of human sexuality at any given time; I use the term "pan" to specifically include sex/gender variants outside of the male/female sex/gender binary.

So yes, there are people like you! I'm not so sure how much PCOS would have to do with producing lesbian fantasies though, as I recall T levels and lesbianism are not correlated. Best of luck, I hope this comment is of some use to you!

[smw]

hmmm

I am a trans guy, TTC, and really have noticed a strong prevelance of PCOS in Trans guys... I had PCOS before transition, but going on hormones for transition seems to have made it "worse", but it was still a great decision for me. Im now TTC and am off of hormones, obviously, in order to do so.

there are some great resources out there for trans folks, or people who are questioning. I encourage looking around and finding support on whereever your gender journey ends up taking you!

[lilsharong]

For all those who are gender confused, sexuality can be very fluid. As a queer woman with PCOS, living in a world that is socially constructed it makes life that much harder to understand but as I got older I realized that I was more comfortable in my own skin. You simply have to OWN it. Own your body, because it's the only one you have. Own the hair, the curves, all of it.

[Tangerine]

I find this topic to be very interesting. I've always had sexual confusion all my life, but I never really linked it to PCOS, but through my extensive reading on it lately, I thought just maybe... I've always been attracted to men, but I've always found myself looking at women in a sexual way. I've just been writing it off as just my admiration of the female body because I view my own body as being imperfect and even grotesque at times. Still, that never really worked because I have had some sexual encounters with women and I quite enjoyed it. Although it has been some time since...it always sticks with me and I have been finding sleeping with a man to be quite boring sometimes. So maybe I am just in denial of how I really feel about women. Maybe I am truly just sexually attracted to both men and women. I don't know....

[thejenerator]

I've been open about my sexuality since I was 15 (I turn 20 today!), and I've been aware of my sexuality since I was about 12 (and denied it for a while). Now, after a year and a half of being on the NuvaRing, I feel more maternal and emotional than ever. Not only that, but I sometimes feel an attraction for men. It could be that I'm just lonely (single...) and like the attention these guys give me, but it's so confusing. I can't tell if it's my loneliness or if it's the hormones "correcting" me. I've read plenty of peer-reviewed studies about homosexuality in females and how hormone imbalances (like testosterone exposure in utero or early in development) can have lasting effects including higher incidence of homosexuality or bisexuality in these individuals. Anywayyyyy...I think my point is that I'm confused. I love women, I love being with women, I'm scared to be with men & I'm not as attracted to them as I am to women for sure. But can being on BC (even low-dose) "reverse" these things?

[Setsunaminako]

well i'm 20 and i dont know my sexual orientation and i never been attracted to either sex. everytime im asked about that person or other i see anything thats like they look good. and i dont know what to do

[babymaybe?]

A couple of years before I was married I was with a woman in a serious relationship. I always have liked both men and women, and knew I'd end up with whichever impressed me most first. lol It happened to be a man, but my husband knows I'm very sexually attracted to women. I'm never jealous of other girls. I love to look and give compliments! lol and thankfully he understands. I was very confused for quite some time about what I was. I'm just a lover. I'm more about personality and how a person treats me rather than what sex they are. That just does not matter to me. Her and I even discussed kids. She was planning to carry, not me! LOL. What the heck happened?! hahaha =P