Sexuality/gender confusion

[edulaj1]

I think that your hormones are playing a big part in all of it. Everyone crusified me over my appearance in high school... everyone said I looked like a man (I major facial hair- side burn, mustach...everything!) I had no idea what I was batteling untill I was 18 years old. I def. had too much testosterone in my system.... it hurts when ppl say That i look like a lesbien or a man. Are people telling you that you are gay?
My question to you is this: Are you happy with your man? Are you on anti depressants? That can kill sex drive and may be why you arnt attracted to him like before. If you are happy with your bf, why worry about your attraction to women? I think deep down, all girls are a little gay... how many chicks do you know have gotten drunk and made out with a girl for the fun of it? Mabe you should talk to a counselor to help sort out your emotions.

[MinaG]

For me, it's definitely the hormones. Although it was wrong of me, I went on and off treatment for pcos.
I noticed that while I was on treatment, and my hormonal levels were normal, I was attracted to guys.
And when I was off treatment, like before I began taking medication, or in-betweens when I couldn't see my doctor, I was attracted to both.

Before I started getting any treatment at all, I was struggling with strong lesbian tendencies. Struggling, because, although I was attracted to the female physique, I never quite enjoyed the conversation.
On the other hand, I liked boys, and they were way more interesting to me. Not to mention, it's a billion times easier for me to make friends with guys than with gals.

As for your girl crush, I read somewhere, a couple of years ago, that every single human, male or female, will develop, at least once in their life, an infatuation with someone of the same gender, usually during the teen years.
I remember I did

Take time to think about your feelings. If your religious, pray for enlightenment. You'll figure it out.

[Sarah89]

I can definitely identify with how you're feeling. I am 20 years old, and have never really been "into" men. I've had one boyfriend when I was 18, and as time goes on, I realise more and more how unreal it was. I loved him and I was attracted to him, but something was missing. I am now in a relationship with a girl, and it is the most real and genuine thing I have ever felt. I've never loved someone so much or been so attracted to them.

Funny thing is, even 1-2 years ago, the idea that I wasn't straight didn't conciously cross my mind. Although since I was probably 12 years old, all the signs have been there, something in my mind chose to deny it. when I finally wised-up to how I felt (or rather, didn't feel) about men (in general), and accepted that I was attracted to women, a whole new world seems to have opened!

whether I am bisexual or lesbian, I am unsure. At the moment I can't imagine not being with the girl I'm with, so it's hard for me to say. I feel I am definitely towards the lesbian end of the spectrum, though, although I am and I think I always will be open to the possibility of a relationship with a man.

This sounds almost exactly like me (and I am also 20, or at least I will be in a month's time!)

Since the OP, I've broken up with my bf amicably, and had my first experience of falling in love- the first time I've been positive of my feelings for someone else- and it was a girl. Unfortunately, for reasons too complicated to go into here, it wasn't meant to be... but I'm glad I had that experience. I'm seeing a guy at the moment but, in truth, I'm not very sure about my feelings for him, and I don't want to hurt his as we've been friends since we were both thirteen. I STILL don't know what my orientation is, but I feel like what's more important at this point in my life is exploring it, not labelling it. That said, I do feel like I lean towards being gay more than straight, at least at this point in my life.

There've been some fascinating stories in this thread! I have to say reading them has made me feel I'm really not the only one in this predicament, and it's also done away with my belief that sexual orientation is always a fixed thing. There's obviously a lot of fluidity out there.

[beccaraelyn]

This thread has really been an eye opener. I have almost always dated men, but always also had an attraction to women. My partner and I discussed this greatly and he is perfectly ok with how I feel. He is secure enough that he doesn't worry about losing me or feeling threatened. I know a lot of it has to do with trust issues with men, then adding the hormone imbalance, it makes it very easy for me to be attracted to women. I can't however have a real relationship with a woman, I have tried and what I realized is that attraction and romantic feelings are two very different things.
As it turns out, my younger sister feels exactly the same way though but doesn't have pcos.

[thejenerator]

There've been some fascinating stories in this thread! I have to say reading them has made me feel I'm really not the only one in this predicament, and it's also done away with my belief that sexual orientation is always a fixed thing. There's obviously a lot of fluidity out there.

I've known most of my life that I was attracted to women and not men. I know from experiences too that I am more compatible with a woman as my partner. I don't think it has to do with hormones for me, since I've had this attraction since even before puberty. And now, with my hormones coming back into realignment, I will say that I have *noticed* more men than I have before, but I know I just wouldn't enjoy that type of relationship.

The only thing about the PCOS thing that really bugs me in terms of my sexuality is my sex drive - which is now near non-existent. :/ Meh. Bye bye, testosterone... I'll kind of miss you in a strange, strange way...

[Confused19]

I get what your saying Sarah. I'm 19 and ever since I was little I was always attracted to girls or women. I always thought something was wrong with me. I liked boys but mostly as friends. And when I started to learn about sex, desire, lust and all those other things I became afraid of girls because I started to like them to much. But for some reason I could never flirt with them, it felt wierd but when it came to guys i loved flirting with them but could never really want to become serious with them. And I hated it because I couldn't talk to anyone about it. My mom would of freaked and my friends well they had their own problems. I want to blame it on the testosterone. I also kinda want to be, but i'm afraid to be. But with a guy i kinda want to be, and i can't be afraid because I know i'll still be accepted with my family.

[squidge63]

I have discovered over the years since I came out (1997), that gender and sexuality are fluid, regardless of what your hormones are playing at. We all are along the spectrum somewhere, just enjoy what you have at whichever point on the spectrum you may be at. My story is slightly different and I havent been on here for a couple of years now I think because I wasnt sure if I still fitted in here.

from about the age of 5 I knew I was meant to be a boy and really thought I would grow up into one. I was a tomboy and any of my girl friends were tomboys too, although most of my friends were boys, got on with them much easier and they were mates, never thought of boys as sexual prtners when most of my female friends were all going boy crazy at school. About 13 or 14 I knew i fancied women but because i was brought up RC and again was scared to face my feelings.. so i followed the straight path in life, and got my 1st boyfriend when i was 19 (altho still fancied women).. we had fun and i dont regret having boyfriends but it was hard as when we were "together" it felt wrong as i knew deep down that I was supposed to be doing what he was doing and sex altho good was not as great as i thought it was supposed to be. I then had a brief fling with a woman, and wow what a difference it all made sense and i knew i was meant to be with a woman. However, i was still scared of coming out and it took me 8years to come to terms with it and I came out as gay in 97. I was so much happier, more comfortable with who i was and felt at home. In the back of my mind though i still had locked up the other feelings that I knew I should have been male, I came across other transguys and realised i wasnt alone in these feelings, and about 2004 I decided for some reason i was going to let my beard grow (been shaving since i was 14, my voice dropped and i became more masculine), and realised that it was time for me to be true to myself. In 2006 I started living full time as a man, this was like a new freedom for me I could be me, I was comfortable in my body in my skin in who i was finally. Last year i had my first appt at the gender clinic and have now changed my name by deed poll and have done the real life test (living for 2yrs as a male), and I have my 3rd aqppt in march. I also have to see their endocrinologist in august because of my hormones and to see if I can start on testosterone therapy (not that i really need it lol), and then hopefully they will say i can have chest surgery if they will knock me out due to other medical probs.

Go with the flow and what feels good for you at the time be happy with. sorry for rambling on lol.

David

[Bugsy79]

Thank you for your story David

[squidge63]

Thank you for your story David

Thanks Bugsy.. good luck with the weightloss, i have to go see the dietician in a couple of weeks

[Bugsy79]

well i lost 7 pounds last week - so im off to a good start!!! we will see again this monday how good i did this week, or bad... but i am trying to stay positive!! i drove by the bagel store this morning and wanted to stop so bad!! heehee but i didnt

[fat&anxious]

Wow - I sort-of thought that I would have to start a new thread with my "unique" story, but - I see that some women have experienced a similar path of "confusion" and sexual-fluidity that I have.

Until I came to this forum - the overwhelming majority of lesbians I came across seemed to represent themselves as being "born" that way, or at least being aware from a very early age of their attraction to women. Even on this forum - a great many of you seem to have developed lesbian feelings relatively-early in life. But I see that there are some "late bloomers" like myself. Up until the age of about 22 or 23 - I was pretty far on the heterosexual side of the spectrum - to the point of not really having any sexual feelings for women (if I did have any sexual attraction to women - they were very latent and so subtle that they were virtually unnoticeable). I developed pretty early (from a puberty standpoint) - which included developing sexual feelings early - and when I started having sexual feelings (at the age of 9-and-a-half) - they were for the opposite sex. I started getting serial crushes on guys in the 4th grade - I mean, I can go from fourth grade through my senior year of college and tick off a fairly lengthy list of male names as guys whom I had crushes on. My severe social anxiety disorder prevented me from developing actual relationships with guys - but boy, would I have longings. And when I masturbated - I fantasized about having sex with guys. It was just a very natural inclination of mine.

Then, things started changing once I hit my early twenties: I started noticing "twinges" of sexual attraction to females (while still having heterosexual feelings). This same-sex sexual attraction grew stronger over the years - so that by the time I was in my late-'20s, I would masturbate to images/fantasies of women. My beloved men had been sexually-replaced by the fairer sex in my fantasies - but only while masturbating. When I would have romantic fantasies (fantasies about being in a relationship and getting married) - I would continue to fantasize about men. To this day, I have romantic fantasies involving men and I get crushes on guys - although I'm very unsure about how my sexual responsiveness would be to them. (I don't think my actual sexual-responsiveness to men would be as strong as they would be to women.) It's like my brain is divided: on a strictly sexual level, I feel like I've developed a "male brain" - with male-like sexual thoughts/behavior. I look at porn-like clips primarily for the women in these clips. I get very sexually turned-on by certain female bodyparts and am just very sexually-attracted to curvy women, period. I feel like, on a sexual level, I know how it feels to be male: I have a better understanding of what males go through in trying to control their strong sexual urges for women.

But in my mind, I don't "make that leap" and consider myself a lesbian. Basically, I consider myself sexually-torn - or, when push comes to shove, a heterosexual woman with some (or a lot of) same-sex urges. Over the years, I've gotten very upset and despondent at times over my same-sex urges: for one thing, with my other "issues" (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem) - I am just not "strong enough", or "secure enough" to deal with the spectre of being lesbian. Also, it is hard as someone who wasn't like this early in life - these same-sex urges just sprung up on me at a time when I thought my heterosexual-identity was fully developed and "set in stone".

I think the vast majority of people who are "out" and easily identify as lesbians (i.e. the Rosie O'Donnels of the world) knew that they were attracted to the same sex for about as long as they remember - and hence, as they grew up, that homosexual identity developed and matured with them. By the time they are adults - their homosexual identity is fully-integrated into their being - and for them, it's relatively-easy to identify as lesbian. But for us people who only developed same-sex feelings in their late-teens or early adulthood - it's a lot harder for us to identify as homosexual because we grew up with a pretty firm heterosexual identity. There is a lot more confusion, and ambivalence. (Besides - I'm more bisexual - I still have some sexual feelings for men - it's just that my sexual feelings for women seem to be stronger.)

Then, there is the hormonal issue. I've viewed my same-sex sexual feelings as possibly being a product of my "hormonal imbalances" - since my increasing homosexual urges seemed to coincide with my increasingly-severe, PCOS-like hormonal imbalances. For years now - I've had the thought (or hope) that, if/when I finally get my hormones back in more of a balance, that these homosexual feelings will just go away.

[shanblack]

I've always been more attracted to women than men, but I don't consider myself to be a lesbian. I used to label myself as bisexual, even though I only dated men. I think that human sexuality is very complex, and we (myself included) try to simplify it by labelling ourselves.
You should stop worrying about labelling yourself. Try different things, and see what works for you. It's always fun to try new things :-)

Just a sidenote: I am referring to women trying to label themselves when they are confused. If you are a lesbian and you know it, then that's a whole different thing. Knowing you are a lesbian takes confidence and self-awareness, and I definately respect that.
Ok now I'm done!

[XxLady__RaynexX]

I Kinda Realized Early In Life Like Some Of You That I Had Feelings Torwards Girls...At First I Tried To Deny It And Say That It Wasnt The Case Even Though No Matter What I Did When Girls Would Come Up And Stand With There Backs Facing Me I Would Stare At Their Butts And Fantasize About Them On A Sexual Level...And So For A While I Just Denied It And Said It Wasnt So...And Then I Fell For A Girl Who Was Bisexual It Was My First Experience Ever Being With A Female And It Was Unlike Anything I'd Ever Felt Before I Loved Her So Unbelievabely Much That I Just Couldnt Pull Away From Her So I Stopped Denying It And Came To Terms With The Fact That I Didnt Just Have Feelings For Guys But It Went Both Ways...I Told My Mom When I Was Ready And First She Was Unsure But Then She Realized That I Wasnt Kidding And She's Supported Me Every Since...

I Know Its Hard To Tell Or Its Hard To Accept But I Gaurantee Once You Do You Will Feel Like A Tramendous Weight Has Been Lifted Off Of You.

[joyblack]

I also have to see their endocrinologist in august because of my hormones and to see if I can start on testosterone therapy (not that i really need it lol), and then hopefully they will say i can have chest surgery if they will knock me out due to other medical probs.

So what is the testosterone going to do for you if your voice has already dropped and you can grow a real beard and I think you said elsewhere that you already have a large, erectile clitoris? Will it help your clitoris enlarge further? Will they release the shaft of your clitoris or is it already free?

How have your relatives and longer-standing friends and colleagues taken your transition -- or how much do they know of it?

[mkkelly]

David! I was so excited to read your response. I kept waiting for someone to say something about fluidity. Then i read yours and was like yes!

For me, I didn't really know i was a lesbian until about a year and a 1/2 ago. And for me it was the fact that i was falling in love with a girl that told me i might be gay. And now that i identify that way, i can definately look back and pick out of my memories times that i should have recognized these things much much earlier, but i didn't. So i try hard to not beat myself up about it all. And back to the fludity part- being gay doesn't mean that i don't find some men attractive, or sometimes, randomly have the desire to sleep with them. For me, being a lesbian means that i want to have relationships with women. I don't have sex outside of serious relationships, so i wouldn't really have sex with a man- but that doesn't mean the thought doesn't occur to me once in a while.