Unmotivated wife - what to do?

[Mr.NorthSouth]

I'm hoping that very soon, my dw will come to this board and read all of the good input that everyone is giving!

MrNorthSouth - Just a quick post to see how things are going with your wife. Have you been able to make any progress?

Ok, an update. I'm excited because my dw is showing evidence that she wants change. She is showing - motivation! Today, she just mentioned to me that tomorrow she starts a diet. I still have not mentioned my thoughts about any of this, so this motivation is coming from her. I really, really hope that this might be the time that she gets serious about her health.

So, tomorrow I'm planning on having a heart-to-heart about how I might help her in this quest . I must admit to being a bit nervous about talking to her about this, because in the past these talks have been disasterous. I love my wife dearly, and we have a very close relationship - except for this topic.

The plan I have been working on regarding ways to handle PCOS in Mexico isn't done. It is proving to be much more difficult that I imagined. I'm truly understanding why she's had such a difficult time dealing with this!

Anyway, wish us luck! - I'll let you all know how our talk turns out.

[SandV]

Best of luck with your talk! I know how difficult it can seem to work on PCOS while not in one of the "major" countries of the world. I am here for support for both you and your DW.

[baileysmom31]

Good Luck northsouth. I hope it works out well for both you and your DW. It is really nice to see husbands on here who are so supportive of their wives. your to be commened for that. Good luck fingers crossed and all that.

[aliPCOS]

I hope everything is well with you and your wife.

[kissy29wv]

I just started reading your thread and you didnt tell us how the talk went. I am praying for you. I hope she didnt knock you out or anything.

[ninashope]

Hi Mr. NorthSouth,

I just read this thread also, and I hope everything went alright. I just wanted to add that the other thing you have to check with metformin is kidney function, because it can cause kidney failure in people who have poor kidney function, and persistantly elevated blood glucose levels can lead to kidney damage (so your wife may be at risk for it).
Her BUN/Creatinine levels should be tested, Creatinine being the important value.

I hope all is well

[ro_magnum_44]

motivate her.. take her out...

[4evryng]

Mr. North South---She is a very lucky woman to have a man that tries to understand PCOS and help her with it. I hope you both continue your motivation. Her with the dieting and you with helping her. I wish my husband would help me diet he tries for a week or so then he just falls off the wagon LOL!!! You and your wife give me a extra boost that I need right now since my DH just brought home a big ole' cheese cake from the cheesecake factory LOL!!! Good luck to both of you.

[Empathy]

I know this - before I got married I lost 80lbs b/c I was alone and simply did not keep things in the house and did not allow myself to be in places with temptation. I kept my own workout schedule and I constructed my life around these priorities. After I got married, my husband admired I had done these things, but he was not interested in pursuing these things with me. I will tell you this much, the atmosphere in the home is very important. It's so difficult to face this knowing that not only is it hard to lose weight, it's even harder for people with PCOS. Being around others who expect us to do it but go on to eat what they want and not exercise themselves and bring things in the house that we need to stay away from sometimes is just too much. I think the best thing you can do is model the healthy lifestyle you'd like her to follow. I wish my husband sometimes initiated healthy eating and exercising instead of me being left to myself to carry it all. I feel like we're a unit and that means the health of one affects the other, and the efforts need to be mutual or they may be too hard to face alone. You want the right things for your wife, but what do YOU do? It's a lot easier to understand just how hard it is to initiate and maintain a certain behavior when you actually try to maintain it yourself.

[ZonBonBon]

Your wife sounds like me. I am depressed that i am fat, i try to lose weight, i dont, i get depressed and quit and its just so much easier to forget about it. I am also very sensitive about it, especially when it comes from my hubby. I know he tried to be involved but I couldn't handle it and took offense because he is very healthy and active. All I can say is just try to understand her side of it too. It is not easy on her either and it is a lot easier to ignore the problem then face it.

[josieQ]

Well since you are already taking the first step which is be "genuinely interested" the rest should come naturally, everyone get motivated by different things and ways.

My suggestion is that you attempt a few different approaches in motivating her I am sure you know your wife well enough to know what WILL NOT work and it will take time to find out what will work. But once you find out the right approach it will be worth it.

1-One approach would be let her think the changes are for you
Say things like I think WE need to start eating healthy, I would like to learn how to cook healthy, lets take a class, I would love if you went for a walk with me after dinner every night, I want to learn more about PCOS will you help me)
2-WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
You are looking great, you look like you lost weight, you’re a great cook (get her felling good about her self and once she is feeling better she might want to DO better)
3-She might need you to be there every step of the way
If she goes for a walk or starts eating healthy you need to do the exact same, and show your support.
4-Let her know your concerns about her health and you want her to live to be 100 yrs old and grow old with you.
5-express you self (let her know whats in your mind and that you want to support what ever choices she makes to FIGHT PCOS, ask her what she needs you to do ( then be prepared to do it)

If your wife is tired of hearing about PCOS don’t make it about that (when my bf tells me anything about PCOS I get frustrated, and then upset) but we still work out together eat healthy together and talk about my emotional frustrations and his concerns.

If you are motivated to get her motivated, you will find out what gets her going (just don’t get stuck tiring the same thing over and over or she will resent you for it)

[Cridge]

Hi NorthSouth. It looks like it's been awhile since you've been on the thread but I wanted to throw in my reply.

When I first started reading through the thread I thought it was MY husband posting. For real - I had to read very carefully to convince myself it wasn't. My husband and I deal with the same issue - we've been married for 12 years, have an almost 7 year old son and while I'm typically a very happy person I just can't deal with my PCOS. I have known I have PCOS for about 11 years now. When I try to buckle down and really deal with my issues I just find myself frustrated, angry and depressed. I was able to maintain my weight (although always trying to lose) for many years but the last 3 years I have steadily been gaining and other PCOS symptoms have increased. Diets work okay for me but maintaining is impossible. I have chronic fatigue and I have days where I just can't function. Long story short - I feel your pain... my husband does too!

My husband recently took up cooking. It started when he decided to make a special dinner for me a few months ago and he realized that he actually enjoyed cooking. I LOVE when he cooks. My issues with cooking are many - #1: I don't have the energy or motivation to plan meals in advance so when it comes time for dinner I'm at a loss as to what to make. I always have in my mind that I need to eat healthy but that's hard to do when you don't plan ahead so then I just decide not to eat. (I know - doesn't make much sense). #2: For some reason I don't have much of an appetite for anything I make. I'll eat pretty much anything other people make but when I make things - they're "gross". And I could go on - suffice it to say - I have food issues. So when my husband cooks it takes so much stress off of my shoulders. I know he works so hard at his job so I don't want to add "my duties" to his but I'm considering talking to him about setting up a schedule where he cooks a couple nights a week. AND if I talk to him about the kinds of foods that I need to be eating then I know he'd do great with coming up with a great dinner. He really enjoys looking for recipes online and trying them out. I think you could really help your wife out a lot by taking on some of the cooking. You can plan the meals together and even make them together but if you take the initiative to help her out with planning healthy meals that will help her energy and her body and probably motivate her to do better. When my husband makes dinner because he knows I'm not going to I feel really guilty so I try harder next time (unspoken guilt works for me!).

Like so many have said - don't bring up the weight issue. My husband is just like you and is SO good to tell me that he loves me just as I am, etc, etc. but it honestly doesn't do a whole lot for me because I know what I am and if I'm not happy with myself it doesn't really matter what he tells me (although it's so much better to hear that than him complaining about my weight!!). I recently started training to run a 5K and that has really helped me focus on getting healthy - and hopefully losing weight will eventually come along. It also helps because if I'm not eating properly I have really hard runs but when I'm eating well my running is so much easier - so that alone is great motivation.

And then there's the Metformin thing. I was taking Metformin when I got pregnant and although I've been prescribed it again I refuse to take it. It made me so sick! You asked it if was worth it to be sick when you know the meds might help you - I say no. I have a hard enough time dealing with my bodily woes as it is - I don't need to feel like I have morning sickness day in and day out. AND I now have liver issues - which probably isn't a result of taking the metformin, but I don't dare risk taking anything that will aggrivate my liver.

I honestly don't know what the answer is to get your wife motivated to deal with her PCOS, but hopefully some of what I have mentioned will help you. As far as getting her on the boards - if she's like me - they're a great resource when you need them but I don't like spending a lot of time on them because it just reminds me of how frustrating my body is. I've done a ton of research on PCOS over the years and have read a ton of books and just recently I told myself that I need to be more active on the boards so I can more focus on my condition and motivate myself more.... well, it doesn't work that way for me. I know what I need to do to try to tackle my PCOS and I have found that what helps me most is the support I get from my husband - and for me the biggest support he gives me is to take over some of the cooking responsibilities.

I commend you for taking an active roll in trying to help your wife. Good luck!! (and sorry I posted a book!!)

[carro]

How did it go Mr North South? I just wanted to say that I have my fingers crossed for you, you seem like a wonderful husband. Please let us know how you got on

[Naymarie]

I struggle a lot with motivation on a daily basis. Some days I wonder if I'm doing it for myself or for everyone else... don't always feel deserving of that wonderful change. Chances are there are some mental health issues, maybe not significant ones but ones not allowing her to think that she deserves to feel better. Have you ever thought of just having a heart to heart with her? That is something some of my loved ones have to do with me from time to time. I sometimes go down the destructive path (eating bad, consume caffeine, etc) and then what it takes is a "new look" persay. I try to go treat myself to having my extra facial hair by waxing instead of shaving. Or a new fun hair cut... something flirty. Is the weather nice by you guys? Maybe take her out for a nice healthy picnic in a beautiful park. That will get you out and about walking and such

Best of luck and know that ppl are here if you need to vent!!!

[frustratedwife]

Have you had trouble with motivating yourself to beat PCOS? If so I need your advice...

My wife of 15 years has PCOS. I love her, and frankly I'm worried about her. She is gaining weight and her health is declining.

I look on in admiration to all the women who populate this board who are motivated to beat PCOS. It really bothers me that my wife isn't motivated to fight PCOS. She continues to eat too much, and the wrong things. She's depressed because of how she looks and feels. But when we've had discussions about it, they usually amount to her being hurt that I bring it up. She's extremely sensitive about it.

So, for 15 years I've largely said to myself, "Well, I can't do anything for her if she's not motivated herself". So I've done nothing. I've waited for her to get motivated to fight this thing.

And where has that gotten us? Fifteen years of declining health and denial.

I'm sick of ignoring this issue.

But I don't know what to do. I've told her that I love her for years. I tell her that she looks pretty, I tell her that she is sexy. That hasn't been enough. She needs real help, not just warm fuzzies. But in the past when I've tried to help hold her accountable to her attempts to get healthier, she resents me.

So my question to you ladies out there - how hard should I push? Is anything I do pointless if she's not motivated? Will she appreciate my involvement, or resent me for it? Must I consign myself to a life with a depressed, unhealthy woman who will probably die young just as her mother did? Do I risk being "resented" to try to really help her get healthy?

I told myself I wouldn't have a long post. Oh well. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Maybe I can be of some help Mr. North South,
I can see how you are trying to be caring yet how frustrating it must feel that she is not seemingly wanting to do anything.

First let me explain, depression (as you stated that she is depressed) can cause one to be unmotivated about things that they normally care about. This could be the biggest reason why she's been unwilling to do anything about PCOS, because she's been feeling depressed and helpless. I know 15 years is a long time, but depression isn't an easy thing to kick. I've been dealing with it for 3 years straight now and some days I win, and some days I flat out fail. The biggest issue for me has been my husband's pure denial and disapproval of my depression... try to be supportive, which I do believe that you are trying to do. Keep trying, try to make her every day special for her. Maybe if she was able to get on a mood elevator she would be able to start fighting PCOS.

Second, try to find ways of suggesting things by making it her idea. By you telling her what she needs to do (which I'm sure that she already knows she needs to do it) she probably feels that you don't trust her, or are judging her. I know this is most likely not what you are doing. And I understand that you have been very patient, but please keep being patient. The real motiviation for her is going to be when she feels that she can do it. Maybe this means that you need to hold of any comments for a while? She knows what she needs to do and when she feels she can she will do it, again maybe helping her elevate her mood will help her in feeling that she can overcome this. Maybe one way to be proactive without really suggesting directedly to her about doing something is getting her to go on walks with you. that's one start anyway to getting her up and moving, and that could also be another way for both of you to connect and make her feel good about herself. Vitamin D is also really good for emotional health and getting sunlight is a good source. Vitamin B is also a mood lifter... which can be taken in supplements. The biggest issue is how she 'feels' about herself. Sadly you can say as much as you want, but until she believes it she's going to feel inferior. Please don't give up on your comments about telling her that you love her, she's beautiful, and sexy, but make sure you are sincere. A woman can sense when a man just says something.

I honestly think that you are doing many things right, but you can't do her part. Stay strong and supportive, but I think the best way to get things on track is indirectly coming up with suggestions to help. And maybe that will be starting with walks, and or bike rides. All ativities that can be fun, without bringing up her problems for a while at least.