Unmotivated wife - what to do?

[Mr.NorthSouth]

Have you had trouble with motivating yourself to beat PCOS? If so I need your advice...

My wife of 15 years has PCOS. I love her, and frankly I'm worried about her. She is gaining weight and her health is declining.

I look on in admiration to all the women who populate this board who are motivated to beat PCOS. It really bothers me that my wife isn't motivated to fight PCOS. She continues to eat too much, and the wrong things. She's depressed because of how she looks and feels. But when we've had discussions about it, they usually amount to her being hurt that I bring it up. She's extremely sensitive about it.

So, for 15 years I've largely said to myself, "Well, I can't do anything for her if she's not motivated herself". So I've done nothing. I've waited for her to get motivated to fight this thing.

And where has that gotten us? Fifteen years of declining health and denial.

I'm sick of ignoring this issue.

But I don't know what to do. I've told her that I love her for years. I tell her that she looks pretty, I tell her that she is sexy. That hasn't been enough. She needs real help, not just warm fuzzies. But in the past when I've tried to help hold her accountable to her attempts to get healthier, she resents me.

So my question to you ladies out there - how hard should I push? Is anything I do pointless if she's not motivated? Will she appreciate my involvement, or resent me for it? Must I consign myself to a life with a depressed, unhealthy woman who will probably die young just as her mother did? Do I risk being "resented" to try to really help her get healthy?

I told myself I wouldn't have a long post. Oh well. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[KatCarney]

Must I consign myself to a life with a depressed, unhealthy woman who will probably die young just as her mother did?

No.

For starters, I commend you for looking for ways to help your wife!!

Have you spoken with your doctor about getting a referral for YOU to speak to a professional about how to best approach your wife? Living with someone who is resentful and depressed can also take a toll on you, and sometimes 'scramble' the best attempts to communicate.

If your wife is dealing with depression, talking with a professional about it, might help her, too. Just make sure it's one who understands the connections between pcos and depression.

Another thing about 'diet'. If this is a sore spot, how would she react to your wanting the BOTH of you to start a regular exercise program in the New Year? Something that you do together 5-6 days a week.

In many people, the regular structure of an exercise program, combined with the physical benefits are enough to naturally and intuitively make positive changes in the diet area - without all of the 'angst' that comes from dieting.

Maybe make the goal of working out a 5k walk that is 3 months from now (as opposed to 'pounds lost').

hth.

[bebeuga]

Have you mentioned this site to her? I was unmotivated myself until I found SoulCysters. The people I've met on here and the research articles made available to us are amazing!! She may need to just realize that she is definitely not alone in this journey. I thought I had some rare condition until I found this site.

Mention it to her. Just tell her you heard about this site for women with PCOS and it sounds interesting. Maybe she'll bite and at least take a look.

Good luck. It takes a loving husband to reach out like you're doing

[Mr.NorthSouth]

Kat, thanks for your advice. I just read your story, and it's amazing how you've taken control of your health! Thanks also for this site.

I didn't mention that we're in a unique situation; we are Americans living out of the country (Mexico). The resources that are available in the states just aren't available here. No endocrynologists, no counselors. Most of what you find in a low-carb cookbook can't be found here.

I am feeling like I need to do the legwork to come up with a plan that utilizes local resources; a plan unique to our situation. I know it has been frustrating for my wife to find local resources to deal with her PCOS.

I like your advice about walking together. One thing we DO have in abundance here is beautiful scenery and perfect weather!

Have you mentioned this site to her? I was unmotivated myself until I found SoulCysters. The people I've met on here and the research articles made available to us are amazing!! She may need to just realize that she is definitely not alone in this journey. I thought I had some rare condition until I found this site.

Bebeuga, I have mentioned this site to her, and even took her through the steps of signing up. I wish she would spend more time here because I think it would motivate her, just as it has motivated you.

I think what it comes down to is this: it is depressing for my wife to face her PCOS. It's not like she's lazy; she has an important job, is a great mom to a 6 year old, and is happy in most areas of her life. But when she faces the PCOS, it reminds her that she's not "normal".

[The Man of the Board]

Man my heart goes out to you brother. Been married 10 years here but we are in a different way with PCOS. The only thing I can tell you from experence it will take you both to make the changes that need to happen. Were you both lucky enough to have kids?
After all the best thing you can do is learn every bit you can about this stuff and so far it looks like you are doing your homework. You talked about the diet and the ways of eatting down there, Whom make the meals you are your wife. If its her switch it up find the stuff out there and make it for her.
If there is anything you like to talk about me let me know i look over these boards now and then.

[Mr.NorthSouth]

You talked about the diet and the ways of eatting down there, Whom make the meals you are your wife. If its her switch it up find the stuff out there and make it for her.

What, me cook?! Now I'm getting depressed.

I'm only kidding of course... I can learn a new skill. I'm a terrible cook, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Yes, we have been blessed with a son (almost 7 now). I attribute that to none other that a miracle from God.

From your advice and many other posts on this board, it sounds like I really do need to get involved for my wife to be successful. Perhaps I need to (initially) take control while my wife isn't exhibiting any motivation on her own.

But how much should I do? Ladies, if your man took matters into his own hands, would that be helpful or harmful?

[MyBellaGirl]

Congrats on taking a step to changing your--and your wife's--life. There are several things I suggest to help you:

1). You need to have a heart to heart with your wife. DO NOT mention weight. Just perhaps say "I feel that you seem sad lately--and I just want to see you happy".

2). Encourage her to become a member of this site. She will find so much inspiration and information from others that are going through the exact same thing.

3). Encourage her to talk to a doctor about depression (if you think that is a problem). There are medications that can help with this--and if someone needs it it can really be a lifesaver.

4). This is a MUST--encourage her to talk to a doctor about taking Metformin ER to help with PCOS. (this is a diabetic medication--it really helps with PCOS symptoms AND helps with weight loss). I have lost 20 lbs in the last year taking this WITHOUT even really changing my lifestyle.

Good luck.

I know you said that you live in Mexico and this creates a challenge, but where there is a will there is a way.

[SweetestTara]

Metformin has really made a difference for me. I found that I was tired A LOT! I work out, eat fairly well. But always still tired. Metformin, for whatever reason, has really helped me feel less fatigued, in turn, helping me to feel like increasing my activity levels.

[dawnrgrayson]

Mr. Northshore,

One of the symptons in some of us pcos folks is depression. She may need to speak with a therapist who can help her get on the right track to maintaining. She needs a great group of doctors ranging from her OB/ Primary care/ therapist and possible an endocrinologist to help her get the correct care to get her on the road to feeling better. I commend you for hanging in there with here.

Goodluck!!

[Mr.NorthSouth]

Ok, this is good stuff. Thanks all for your advice.

1). You need to have a heart to heart with your wife. DO NOT mention weight. Just perhaps say "I feel that you seem sad lately--and I just want to see you happy".

Yes, I know you're right. Mentioning weight seems to the kiss of death for us. But... how else should we measure her progress? Her mental state isn't a good barometer, because she's actually happy much of the time (just not when she's thinking about her PCOS). It's frustrating that the one most accurate measure as to her health is off limits.

3). Encourage her to talk to a doctor about depression (if you think that is a problem).

I don't think she has a depression problem, EXCEPT for the fact that she has PCOS. I think she would agree that if her symptoms got better, her mood would see a marked improvement.

4). This is a MUST--encourage her to talk to a doctor about taking Metformin ER to help with PCOS.

She has taken Metformin from time to time, but never consistently. She's not sure how much she should take to really be effective in weight loss. How many Mg did you take this past year?

Metformin has really made a difference for me. I found that I was tired A LOT! I work out, eat fairly well. But always still tired. Metformin, for whatever reason, has really helped me feel less fatigued, in turn, helping me to feel like increasing my activity levels.

May I ask what your Metformin regiment is? How many Mg? How often do you take the pills? How long do you need to take it before you feel better?

She needs a great group of doctors ranging from her OB/ Primary care/ therapist and possible an endocrinologist to help her get the correct care to get her on the road to feeling better.

Thanks, dawnr. One of the challenges that we're facing is the fact that we don't have doctors here that can help her. We CAN get bloodwork done, and I think that would be of value. But basically, my wife and I are going to have to come up with a home-grown plan for her to beat this.

That's why I'm excited about this website and forum - we're going to need to rely on many of you for advice. I love my wife dearly and really want us to beat this thing - despite our challenges!

[BekTens]

First of all, I think it's really great that you're so concerned about your wife and putting effort into helping her.

Second... sigh. Fighting PCOS can be a daunting task, especially if you don't have any medical or peer support. My first suggestions (like many others have said) would be to see if she would be willing to join this site. It was a huge help for me just to see how many women are dealing with the same issues - I no longer feel alone.

I can see that you have limited medical resources, but a lot of people treat their PCOS without meds.

First and foremost is exercise. You don't have to get her to join a gym or anything - you said that you have beautiful weathr and scenery - I think that setting up an evening walk for the family every night would be hugely beneficial to everyone invoved - especially your wife.

As for food, eating as much whole food as possible cuts out lots of those simple carbs that make PCOS worse. Try to eat lots of meats, veggies, fruits, etc. The less that comes out of a box, the better!

Many people take a cinnamon supplement instead of metformin. Even taking a teaspoon a day in coffee or tea will be very helpful. I took metformin for about a year when I decided to go without it.

All of these things would be good for you to do with her - so you don't have to say "Hey, you have problems, so you should do this." If you guys decide to eat healthier and become more active as a family, you'll all benefit!

Good luck to you and your wife!

[MyBellaGirl]

Ok. To answer some of your questions/replies to my previous post:

1. Focus on being healthy--not the # on the scale. PCOS is hard enough to deal with on a daily basis, besides looking at a # on a scale that proves it everyday. Besides, PCOS often causes weight to be on the middle of the body. When I lose weight, I don't see it right away (or feel it). IF she takes Metformin regularly, she'll need to go to the MD regularly, and they will weigh her there. So--she will see progress, but not obsess over her weight daily. Oh, and weight is not the most accurate measure of her health. It is actually BMI and the lab work that she should be having done periodically with PCOS. And remember, diets don't work. Focus on eating more veggies and less desserts. Switch to whole grains whenever possible. But everyone still needs treats occasionaly.

3). I'm not saying that she is depressed or needs something. Just remember that PCOS and depression are often linked. And if she feels that she is not worth taking care of (is so upset by PCOS that she is not motivated to do ANYTHING about it) she my need to take something to help with those feelings.

4). She needs to take metformin consistantly, or the symptoms will not get better and/or it will not work. I currently take Metformin ER, 2000 mg a day. I happen to take all four pills one time a day--it's easier to remember than taking several times a day. As for the side effects, everyone is different. I still have some side effects after a year of taking it. To me, I know it is helping and I will put up with the side effects for my overall health. Her doctor will decide what dose she needs--but I'm sure 1000-1500 mg will be the least dose. Make sure she takes the EXTENDED RELEASE metformin--less side effects than the regular. If she joins this board she can get lots of info. and support with this medication.

***Remember to focus on health, not just weight loss. It is important for everyone to understand that her gaining weight is part of the PCOS. And it is really hard for us to lose any weight, UNLESS we are on the Metformin. So really, until she gets the medication and takes it, she won't lose much weight no matter how hard she tries. And I think that would be the most unmotivating thing ever.

Good luck.

[AllyCat13]

If she is not already on this site and reading all this, I would try and get her on here!! I am in the process of being diagnosed right now and was very depressed about it! This site and all these strong women have really helped me!

[KatCarney]

4). This is a MUST--encourage her to talk to a doctor about taking Metformin ER to help with PCOS. (this is a diabetic medication--it really helps with PCOS symptoms AND helps with weight loss). I have lost 20 lbs in the last year taking this WITHOUT even really changing my lifestyle.

Metformin is not a 'must have' medication for women with pcos.

Permanent changes in lifestyle ARE must-haves.

Increased physical activity will have an immediate impact on her insulin resistance, and perhaps even on her mood. Metformin is not a 'weight loss' drug, however, physical activity can help with weight loss and a lot more.

I'm not 'anti metformin' by any stretch, but I think it's important to have some perspective on it's role in pcos treatment.

[MyBellaGirl]

To clarify, I did not say that it is a "must" to take metformin. I said it is a MUST to talk to your doctor about it.

And, according to the author's notes, he did state that she was told to take metformin before but did not take it consistantly.