I feel so.. angry

[PiperMi]

I'm sorry my first post has to be such a negative one, but i came across this site, and everyone seems so supportive, i felt i could post this here.

I would like to say "lately" but its been going on forever, just seems to be getting more and more out of hand these days... i get so angry. blinding hatred. and inside when i let it out it feels great! when i reflect the anger on someone else its like liquid happiness pouring through me just to be that cruel. but the way i feel physically i know is so stressful on me, and my body, not to mention the obvious effects on those around me, and work, and everything else i do. I don't feel self-inflictive and so far it has never been a physical anger, but when i get upset like this, there's no censor, and while i would like to think i wouldn't hurt someone, i can't say that i never would.

i can be the happiest person in the world, and the smallest thing will turn me into a monster. and its not always a quick episode, i might stay angry for hours, although it is generally shorter than that.

when im not angry i have this ridiculous fear/anxiety of pretty much everything. alot of them have to do with my throat closing or becoming randomly allergic to foods. ( i think this is becuase my mouth is often dry so i think about it and stress on it).. or just other random things that make me feel tense, and then when my body is tense, my mind is tense, and then i think about the way i feel and it makes me feel panicky.. and well.. you get the idea. i have palpitations all the time. all the day long, very soft usually, and sometimes ill go for months without one. then they will start back up and its all day long again. (i would like to note that i didn't have a single palp leading up to my wedding day -!?).

So here i sit dead tired, still feeling the aches of todays anger and the anxiety of knowing that soon i will be laying in bed, with time to think. (i hate thinking time, i always think about things that make me feel more anxious). i should be feeling good right now. im finally having a period - a real one - that requires feminine hygine products - not just a little wussy thing that baraly qualifies as existing. im elated to momentarily feel like a woman, and for a few weeks it wont seem so much like im covered in something gross on the inside.


I know that mood swings are part of PCOS.. does anyone else get this kinda of intense anger? I have a hard time taking medicines, even simple things like ibuprofen - more anxiety and fears. And for that same reason have been in a two year grueling battle to fight pcos without formal medication just natural supplements, rigourous excersize, lots of vegitables, and good pair of tweezers (and obviously a little humor). maybe i'll get lucky.. or maybe i wont. I have come to terms with the fact that i will more than likely still need assistance with having children when the time comes, even if i do control this for the most part on my own now. but i really don't want to have to resort to meds for anxiety/anger management.

I suppose i have lightened my excersize dramatically in the last month, as im in the offseason period for three more weeks, and maybe thats why im feelin the heat lately. i just don't know how else to deal with it, and even if this is a rambling post (so sorrry!) its just nice to know someone gets it. i hope.

thanks
-pmi

[Brittniejoy1983]

I know how you feel... but I don't know how to help!! Just that you're not alone.

I'm there today... I just woke up and I'm having an 'angry day' as I told my hubby tonight. I just get angry at everyone and everything, and part of me wants to cry, but there is no tears, and my brain won't stop running, and everything that has been bad for a long time comes up and I get soo soo soooooooo frustrated, that, if you can't tell, I can't sleep.

It's all very infuriating. It sucks.... I don't have heart palpatations, but my stomach gets sour, and all my muscles tense, and my head gets this warm tingly feeling, and I get a big flushed, so maybe that's the same thing. Nothing really hurts, I just feel like I'm running on full speed and if I don't break something or someone, I might... it's not fun!!

Guess it doesn't help that today was the culmination of a lot of other problems too, and that I tend to be the 'dumping ground' of my families drama. Have a problem? Go to Brittnie, she can deal. Yeah, well one day people will find out... hmm.. well.. uh, yeah.... sorry, I think I just commandeered your post!! (I'd post a lol but I don't feel in the least bit like laughing... so maybe I'll just say chagrined)

Good luck, and if you find something that helps, let me know (or a way to induce a long cry, that would be great too!!)

No, I'm not crazy....I swear, we all get out down times.

[bloodorchid]

your post looks like something i could have written, and i hate to say i have no words of wisdom

just try your best not to take it out on people who've done nothing, hard as though that is

i frequently go on long drives with the window down and the radio blaring, it helps

[KAMsMOM]

Ladies, You are not alone! I have had problems my self. Things can get too far...There comes a point where you should seek help. If you really feel that out of control a doctor can help. Mine did! I am on a more even keel now!

[ivetastedflight]

To PiperMi and Brittnie: This is interesting to me because this is the kind of rage that I was having, right before I went to see a counselor - for anger management. Who puts their self in anger management?! Usually that follows a court order of some kind. But I knew that I was vicious, and I was really afraid of ruining my relationships, scarring my children for life, etc., so I went to anger management.

I got to my first appointment and the therapist asked me a few questions, and then I was sent home with a bottle of lithium. That was my bipolar diagnosis in a nutshell.

But it was the rage - the seething, burning, physically painful, uncontrollable, punching-holes-in-the-walls kind of rage - that alerted me that there was something amiss (I always knew there was something, but I would have never guessed this). Full-blown manic episodes. Not the fluffy, fuzzy, feel-good, hypomanic kind.

I say all that to say this: consider seeing a doctor. What you are describing seems to me to be something that needs medical treatment. Anger, fear, anxiety, paranoia, disturbing thoughts, "thinking time" (racing thoughts for me - it was always the worst at bedtime). I was extremely resistant to going on meds (the stigma). Things happened. My opinion changed. I understand. I can empathize. And it's a horrible cliche but I gotta say it. You have to be the one to seek out change, accept help, and follow through. Good luck to all of you, in putting out your fires.

[ANB614]

I left work early today because I got so angry that I started bawling. I pretended I had allergy problems and left. Now i have a sinus headache and my neck is tense.

[ivetastedflight]

I left work early today because I got so angry that I started bawling. I pretended I had allergy problems and left. Now i have a sinus headache and my neck is tense.

I used to do this, too. I would walk out the door without even clocking out. I haven't held down a job for more than a week for 5 years now.

[Brittniejoy1983]

Ivetastedflight-- That is really interesting. I actually have a familial history of bipolar disorder in my family, especcially the women, to sometimes a rather extreme case. I actually was quite worried a couple of years ago and went to have it tested, but I was told that it wasn't likely that I suffered with it. Apparently all the other bizarre events in my life had a lot more to do with it. Also the bottling of emotions for too long of a time that a small trigger, (a dream, a comment, hitting my head) tends to bring it out.... medication is possible, but not recommended (by three different shrinks), just therapy. I have a pretty screwy life history...

Last week was hard mostly cause, since my husband is laid off, we had no money, and were about to get our electric shut off, and my father (who both he and his wife earn 75/year plus each) was complaining about his bills. And my in laws have been rotten to my hubby again, so it was a bit overwhelming. I'm a control freak, so when things get out of control, I tend to freak. Or when I feel insecure about something. It's been very difficult recently as far as that goes, but my husband is pretty good with helping me through that. It happens a lot more than it used to because he is able to shoulder and protect me from some things like that.

[Corvidae]

PiperMI~

It may be worth getting a glucose meter and checking your blood sugar, particularly when you have a mood swing or feeling very tense.

After thinking for years that I had some weird combination of my Father's hot temper and my own variety of madness, I found that my anxiety, mood swings, etc. were virtually all the result of hypoglycaemia. I do have a hot temper, but I can manage that so easily now.

Your brain runs on the sugar in your blood and if there isn't enough of it then it seems to get in a constant fight or flight mode. If you are having hypos then the meter will show your blood sugar is low when you are most anxious or tense.

I take medication for hypoglycaemia now and I'm a different person. If you don't want to take medication then hypoglycemia can be controlled by diet fairly successfully by someone willing to be very careful about their diet.

[PiperMi]

Your posts have all been very insightful, and in a way i feel grateful. (Please dont take this negatively - im really bad with words!) Some of your stories are so intense and personal, i really appreciate that you share them. Even though I havn't gone through the same things, or at least not to the same degree, its good to know that someone else has gotten through it - and through so much worse, at that!

ivetastedflight:
wow. good for you! (its so rare that people say that phrase, and actually mean it - isn't it?) And you're so right.. its not something that someone else can change for me. its me. and sometimes it seems like my brain creates obstacles just to make it harder for me to do the right thing. Luckily, my anger has never really been physical. aside from banging on something thats not working etc.. what worries me most is the bodily stress. you know that feeling... when you say something and its comes out faster than you can think it, and the seconds move by instantly, and you realize that your breathing is different, and you face is terrifying... and you can feel the stress. i worr y about that. that must be harful.. to my heart or my brain, or something. especially all the time. I've been thinking about meditating (oh. wow. ironnny... ) i don't know much about it, but it might be helpful... anyone tried it?

Corvidae:
Yea, the diet is something i need to get a bit stricter with. when it comes to weightloss, sometimes i cheat and replace healthy eating with moorrrreee excercise. and that doesn't do much if i cheated and ate pie thats full of sugar. I'm next in line in my family to become diabetic, so a while ago my doctor suggested that i look into following something close to the south beach becuase of its high veggie, low sugar approach, and its pretty convenient these days. i just wish healthy food was cheaper. all those veggies really add up, but then i guess so do hospital visits so i should go with the easier of the two!

thanks again ladies, you're all an inspiration!

[bloodorchid]

regarding meditation, yes it can work. i visualize while breathing

i imagine everything angry in me as a black mist. some days it is much denser than others. deep inhale then long slow exhale, the mist pushed out with the breath

i do this until i can't 'see' any more black mist inside me

at that point i am calm and worn out, mentally exhausted from all the rage that is finally suddenly gone

i would recommend something like this, it truly helps

[Corvidae]

PiperMI

If you're next in line to become diabetic in your family, as I am, you may already be caught up in the progression from insulin resistance to type II diabetes.

Are you aware that some studies have shown that early treatment of insulin resistance with metformin could delay the onset of Diabetes by up 10 years?

I wasn't happy to find that I would have to take medication every day, probably for the rest of my life, but so many people in my family, including my Father, have died before the age of 60 from diabetes and diabetes related problems, I had to do something to improve my chances. I just hope that I do get that extra 10 years and I make it to retirement age. I won't know until then. If nothing else, it feels so good to be in control of my moods and my life again that I think that's well worth the bother.

Talk to your GP about your options, strict diet control could be as effective as metformin, but as far as I know from what I've read you would have to follow a diet specifically for the treatment of hypoglycemia. I tried and failed, but then I'm not a veggie lover and probably never will be one.