Really tough day

[lizheil]

I am having a tough time dealing with my m/c. I was 11 weeks (lmp 5/19) and m/c aug 3rd. Even though dr wanted us to wait a cycle I read your body is favoring pregnancy right after m/c so we did bding a lot in hopes. Started spotting sunday and af came Monday. An inlaw was a few weeks ahead of me just found out they are having a boy and put on her myspace today they may name it Hunter. That was what my husband and I wanted to name our baby and he kept referring to the baby those couple months as Hunter. Another inlaw keeps complaining about pregnancy symptoms that i would love to be experiencing. Just a really bad day. My husband doesn't understand why I am always crying; I'll be ok one minute and bawling the next. He tries though. I don't wantto be around any family that knew either is that normal. Thankfully they all live a couple hours away but when his mom and brother came a week or so ago I just stayed in my room the whole time. I just really don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, that isn't going to give me my baby back. I really don't feel like listening to them putting their foot in their mouth either. One inlaw emailed me and said everything will be ok you'll be pregnant with twins by next year. I told my husband I hope when your uncle died she didn't tell you aunt "she'll be ok and marry a millionaire next time". I think my family has avoided discussing it with me b/c they know me better and know nothing is better than saying the wrong thing. Plus they know how much this meant to us.

[pinkkitty]

oh my goodness, i was 10 weeks exactly - miscarried on the 3 Aug. Weird!

No-one knows what to say when you loose a baby. We got "oh its your body telling you your not ready" what the hell!! then why did i fall pregnant in the first place! And we get the "well at least you know you can be pregnant, you can try again soon". How does that help us, what about the baby we lost! I was most emotional the first time i miscarried, this time round i just try not to think about it too much. Im much stronger this time around.
This is funny now i think about it, but i had a friend tell me she knows how i feel, she had unconfirmed 5 miscarriages in 8 months... um i think they are periods hun.

I try not to look into the comments too much, people can be dumb.

And my hubby was very depressed about it, he was truely exited. but he never cried, he told me he envied my abilty to cry. i guess its a man thing.

[ayushka]

I am sorry for your loss. I wish I knew how to make things easier, but when you want that child so badly and it doesn't work out, it is hard to stay positive and deal with comments from friends and family.
Between my miscarriage and ectopic, I don't think one was easier than the other. I was 12 weeks when I had my miscarriage and I was 8 weeks with my ectopic. It is all very sad.
Just do what is best for you right now. If you don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone because you are having a bad day, you are allowed to and it should be respected.
I wish you the best of luck with TTC in the future.

[Kate29]

Well, for me, it's pretty normal to be avoiding people on a bad day. Anyone who hasn't been there will eventually say something hurtful or strange. I finally talked to the friend who has been encouraging me to "keep your chin up" and "set a limit on the amount of time you mope." She compares this to her reaction to her sister-in-laws miscarriage, so she knows how I feel. It was hard to confront her, and it would have been better not to have to, but I just couldn't take the comments anymore. I don't think we should isolate ourselves, but when it's a bad day, why not protect yourself a little bit?

I hope you feel better. (I just had my d and c after a 10 week loss). In a horrible way, I feel very comforted knowing that I am not the only one. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

[lizheil]

Thank you ladies for your support. I think I have reached the point where I am transitioning from isolation to getting it out there and trying to make a difference. With that being said I finally went back to church this morning after 3 weeks of missing. It was what I needed. They are doing a 5K walk for life to raise money for their Women’s Clinic. I am so happy I went this morning. I have been looking at ways to memorialize my baby. I think this will be perfect. It’s in two weeks, which will be tough to raise a substantial amount of money but I have decided that this is a great way to honor JereBeth (1/2 Jereme 1/2 Elizabeth) we didn't know the gender so instead of calling the baby “it” we called it JereBeth once we would have found out the gender we would have gave it a gender specific name. Anyway the clinic is located strategically across the street from Planned Parenthood which I think is wonderful. They get a lot of women that come in thinking they are going to PP. They do not judge or persuade either way but they are there to offer emotional support. They offer support with parenting classes, support after abortions, and support when adopting a child out for both men and women. They also offer free pregnancy tests and free Ultrasounds. I have called some family members who are going to sponsor me and others that are going to walk as well. We are going to do this on a yearly basis and have T-shirts made that says In Loving Memory of JereBeth Heil 08/03/2009. I am also going to start volunteering at the clinic in order to help women who are going through a miscarriage. God uses us as instruments in life to help others. I have had so many women who I have turned to that had miscarried and that was truly a blessing. Very few people knew I was pregnant since it was high risk. I finally decided I am going to air it out. So I posted on my Facebook that my husband and I recently lost a child and in its memory I am participating in the 5K walk for Life through the Women’s Clinic of Columbus. I then put if they want to know more about my experience or if they would like to help support underprivileged women by supporting me during the walk than to take a look in my notes at my story. I hope you all can get to your transitional point and find a way to memorialize your children as well. The support I have received from my Cyster’s is remarkable and now it’s my turn to give the support I have received. Here is the URL www.twccolumbusonline.com

[Jlynn329]

Ugh..whats up with bad days....

Thanks for your message...im glad im not the only one feeling like closing the door and wanting to be left alone. I just had my second m/c and its rough on the emotions. Some days Im fine...some I just want to cry. Its hard when your other pregnant friends and co workers complain about their symptoms...and knowing I cant wait to have those problems!

Hugs and kisses and lots of well wishes to us all!

[SheriKCMO]

I'm so sorry for your loss! (((Hugs)))

I'm sorry things got so low for you, but grief is such important and unique work for each of us. It sounds like you have turned over a leaf (grief is a huge roller coaster!) and can make something positive come from tragedy. My volunteer work for the March of Dimes is in Mary Catherine's honor, and I hope to prevent some other mother from losing a preemie as part of my efforts. If you can comfort someone else during this new journey, I am all for it. Best wishes.

[DiamondInTheRough]

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I had a small cry for my baby today, and we lost him over 8 years ago...

Each time a new school year begins, I really find myself thinking about him, and what it would have been like to have him in our lives. On a brigther note, my husband's Aunt was pregnant around the same time as me, and also had a boy. I feel a close connection with him, he's very sweet. Had my son lived, I know they would have been the best of friends.

[ayushka]

Liz,
I think it is wonderful what you are doing and that you have amazing coping skills. I admire you for being able to cope and get your family involved. When it comes to losing a loved one, even though they are lost, they are never truly gone.

[TTCTeacher]

Liz-Im sorry to ask this...but I was wondering what came of your unexplained pregnancy...was it molar?? We miscarried...at the same time..I had my D and C on August 4th (twins) I pray it wasnt molar...and I too finally got sick of hising and posted something on my facebook....Im soo sick of ppl's reactions..bet they wouldnt act so calous if someone lost an already living child ( as if a miscarriage is any different)....I hate ppl sometimes

[sib4nik]

Liz - I too am so sorry for your loss. I don't know "for sure" yet, but I most likely have a complete molar pregnancy right now. I personally think the worst comments are the ones when people say "At least you know you can get pregnant." Seriously every time I heard that comment I would wince and think, yeah, I know I can get pregnant, and I also know I might now stay pregnant. I do think that's it's great that you're acknowledging your baby. For my first m/c, I didn't tell ANYBODY, and I really regretted it after awhile. I wanted people to know that there was a baby, and he/she existed for a little while. So I think putting it out there for people to see is going to be very helpful for you.

Wishing you better days ahead...

[Sweetest Angel]

Liz, I read your message because I, too, have been having some really rough days. I am so sorry for your loss. Sept. 13th will be the 1 year anniversary of my own and although I thought I was feeling better and "getting over it", I have noticed myself withdrawing from life over the last few days. I guess I just need some quiet time until the date passes....

I was in my 2nd trimester when I had what the hospital termed a "placental abruption". After seven years of trying and this being our 1st pregnacy, we were completely and totally devastated. We were even more devastated when we found out the baby had been a boy. (He would have been the first in both of our families.) It was then that I learned just how many clueless people there are in this world. The only good in this miserable experience is that it has made me think twice before offering up the quick, trite comments that so many people seem to make when they don't know "how" to respond to a bad situation. The best advice I can give to you is don't take their words to heart and don't feel bad if you need some "alone" time from family and friends. People mean well, but unless they have walked in your shoes, they will never understand the depth of your anger and grief and how much their actions and comments can actually do more harm then good.

As a personal example, last month we found out that my husband's 1st cousin gave birth to a baby girl. Everyone in the family knew she was pregnant - except for us. They even held a baby-shower for her - but did not send us an invitation for "fear" of upsetting us with the good news. We know they meant well, but my husband and I both agreed that NOT knowing hurt our feelings even more...

Anyway, I think what you are doing with the 5K walk/clinic is wonderful and I hope it helps to bring deep comfort to your heart, as well as the hearts of any others who need assistance. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Jlynn329]

Could I just have a BFP...and not have a m/c???? I am just so sick of waiting...and taking meds and waiting....please oh please send me a BFP!!! I am just having one of those days....I had to send an employee home today because she was feeling sick...at 12 wks pregnant....I would welcome the sickness....just to know my baby is ok. Its so hard to watch eveyone around you and try to be sympathetic when they are not feeling well. I tried to bury my true feelings when I had to listen to her saying how she was feeling...she knows I had a recent m/c...but I guess she doesnt know how I feel....since she has never been thru it.

[Daisy811]

I am so sorry for your loss. I also miscarried in August but I was at 8 1/2 weeks. You are so right that saying nothing is better than saying the wrong thing. But at the same time, I feel that people need to at least let me know that they recognize what my husband and I are going through. One month later, I think people assume you've gotten over it and I know for myself, I've been pushing my emotions to the back burner and trying to move on.

As for bad days, I finally had my first bad day yesterday...it was the first in maybe 3 or 4 weeks. I went for a base line ultrasound (I'm going to ttc again...that's how I'm coping) and being in the ultrasound room brought all the emotions from August right back. I wasn't equipped to handle them and I was a wreck. Honestly though, I almost felt more sorry for the nurse who had to calm me down! Then I had to go to work right after and I felt like I had no time to calm down. Also, to make matters worse, when I was at work yesterday, I found out that 2 co-workers are pregnant. Needless to say, I went through the day fighting back tears and fighting a re-occurring migraine.

We deserve to have bad days. Honestly, I think that we need these bad days to remember the significance of what we've been through and what we've lost. Life will never be the same after a miscarriage, nor should it be.