I feel like I wanna die

[shawnapooh]

When I say that I literally feel like crawling in a hole,pulling dirt over my head and going peacefully away. I am maniac-depressive and I feel a "down-cycle" coming on but there is little I can do to stop it nor do I want to stop it. I feel like I just need to suffer just for the hell of it.

The unthinkable happened today: Dh Chad (our sole income provider) lost his job. He and several others were laid off. My husband is a IT guy so I know that he can find another job but not where we are living at currently. The job market here is stale if not almost non existant. We bought a house here in Iowa,we have two newer cards and a grip of debt. Even though,they cut him loose with a pretty nice severance package I still feel like we are going to sink under it all. My husband is very optismic and says that the severance package will pay off all our debt so all we will have to worry about is the current bills. Well great,where the f*** is the money going to come from to pay those??

He wants me to go look for a job but honestly I cant. I had such a bad experience working here in Iowa that I do not know if I can handle it. If we were living back in the Chicagoland area I would have my old job which I absolutely love back in 2 seconds. So much bad crap has been happening in my life this past year that I feel like I am going to lose it. My family is shot to hell,my dh's family sucks big time,we have no family support whatsoever now,i miss my old job and friends,i miss my therapist in chicago and now we have no income coming in. I just feel like we are going to lose everything and basically be on the streets. I dont see the damn silver lining in the stupid clouds like my husband does. I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is a deep dark black pit that we are falling into.

And if one more person tells me,well at least you have your health and your kids! GREAT-I am not on my death bed RIGHT NOW but I do have some serious health issues going on and I am sure that they are pushing me closer to that death bed.

And yes I have my kids but I have kids that need medical insurance,food,clothes and other things. What happens when i cant provide these things for them? They are going to suffer and it breaks my heart to think about that. Not to mention my 8 yr old son has a important appt in Iowa City for what is going on with him. He may have Aspenger's Syndrome (a form of Autism) and they are looking into it. Now,where am I going to get the money for that?? It is going to be a 2 thousand dollar appt!! It is tearing me to pieces to think about how this is going to affect my kids. I dont even care about me as much as what it's going to do to them.

I cant believe this is happening. It is so unreal-like I am trapped in a freaking nightmare. I am so scared. I wish I had someone to talk to about it but I dont. I dont want to talk to my husband becuase he is dealing with his own grief but yet I need someone. So I came here to vent this frustation on this board. I am sorry ladies but I had no where else to turn.

I am really thinking about checking myself into the hospital because right now I cant guarantee my safety. I have all these thoughts running thru my head. Well Im gonna go. TY for letting me vent. No need to reply.

[Torie]

No need to reply my butt!!!

Shawna I am SO SORRY that Chad lost his job! I know that feeling and it's the worst I couldn't imagine having kids and having to deal with it!

I pray that Chad can find a job in IT soon so that you won't suffer financially.

I wish I could give you advice on your health, but I can't. My sister is also Manic-Depressive and it's always been hard on everyone around her, but her mostly.

I'll be here (or on yahoo ) if you need to chat. I can lend me ear and be there for you, although it's not much, it's about all I can do!

Take care hon and please keep us all updated so we know you are ok!

Your cysters love you!!!

[santa'sbaby]

OK I am telling you right now IF YOU NEED HELP GO GET IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!

I have checked myself into a hospital before and it was the best thing that I ever did for myself. I was at the end and I knew that if that I didn't do something to help myself I would be no more.

Shawna you are too good to cut your life short and you have a family that needs you, regardless if you are a bread winner or not. You will need to get better before you can take care of your family.

You are too important to us here. Please keep in touch. We are not going to stop worrying. We care!

April

[Reese77]

Shawna,
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
I'm so sorry that your DH lost his job, the job market is such a rough place to be. I will pray that he finds another job soon.

As a side note....I know of another message board that has a lot of parents whose kids have aspergers's. It's called www.conductdisorders.com
Sometimes they are really helpful in finding out more information on different syndromes. They have been a life saver for me and me ADHD step son.

Hope you feel better soon!
I am always happy to "listen".

[Sapphire Spirit]

There you are Shawna girl!!!! I haven't seen you around as much lately....no wonder! I'm so sorry to hear about all of the crap that is going on for you at the moment. You must be so scared and worried. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending you and your family LOTS OF LOVE.
Are you seeing anyone for your depression at the moment? I have not had depression myself but I have worked with many, many people with depression and know how debilitating it can be. If you were in Australia I could recommend some of the community services here (free services)....I don't know anything about the American mental health system so I can't help..but maybe someone can.
I am so sad to hear that you are so down. You have been a great friend to me here with your great advice and support and you deserve to be truly enjoying life. I hope things improve real soon.
Much Love and Prayers being sent your way.
Take Care
Amy

PS
You know my e-mail address if you need me.

[jojo24]

Shawna ((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

Please dont feel like you have no-one to talk to ...i am here if you need me

If you need help go get it and dont feel bad about doing that !
You have been one of the few good things in my life for the past 6 months or so and i would hate to think you are now suffering and i cant help you like you have helped me so often ....please just take care and know that i am here and i am thinking about you babe.

With ALL my love and sloppy kisses jo x x x x x x xx

[bluedragonfly2000]

Shawna I am so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed right now. If you don't think you can keep yourself safe please check into the hospital. It can give you a break to put things into proper perspective. Please take care of yourself, and stay safe,
Mel

[Yolanda]

Although I don't know you very well, your story broke my heart. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much right now. Everyone else said it better than I can, so, just know your in my prayers. Please take care of yourself.

[shawnapooh]

I feel a little better today but not much. It is really starting to sink in for my husband that he no longer has a job. I spent a great deal of last night thinking and crying over this situation. It is just not fair. My husband spent 3 yrs working there and they just laid him off without a second thought. It just seems so heartless. I am not by any means questioning God because he does know what is best for us but I keep wondering why he chose this road for us? Why did this happen? I got a prescription for Clonapine to help me thru the hard times. They offered my husband counseling services thru EAP but I think I need it more than he does. He keeps talking about how this frees him up to start our computer business at home. I really feel like he is not looking at the BIG PICTURE. One big expense and we are screwed. He is living in a fantasy world if he thinks our "at home" business is really going to flourish. I will admit he is a great computer technician and he has alot of awards,positive feedback and ect to prove it but there is always a rough start when you start your own business. Maybe,I cant look at things the way he does because I feel so negative about everything. Maybe my negativity is holding him down-who knows. I am going to try and push my feelings back and pound the pavement looking for a job tomorrow. I have my clothes ready,now all i need is to make myself look presentable. I wish I could wallow in my own self pity but someone has to go out there and make that money.

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers-it means the world to me. Everyone on this board is so great and I appreciate each and every one of you. I will update you ladies on how my job hunt goes and I will even post a pic of me in my "interview" outfit so you can give me some feedback. Thank you once again. take care and God bless.

[CTCyster]

((((((Shawna)))))

Sorry I found this thread so late. I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry you are going through all of this stress at this time. Lost jobs and lack of financial freedom are two big stressors- I can only imagine what you are going through right now.

I am glad that Chad is handling this ok. Let him be your rock during this difficult time. I am hoping and praying that Chad is successful in his job efforts. I am also praying that your son will able to get the dx and treatment he needs.

Don't EVER question yourself as a mother. I know from talking to you over time that you are a *GREAT* mother who always puts her kids first. I know your DH and the kids mean everything to you.

And please- if you DO feel like you are losing control- do NOT hestiate to check yourself into the hospital. In the midst of all this stress, make sure you don't neglect your OWN mental health.

We love you Shawna and are pulling for you. If you *EVER* need to talk, you know where to find me. Lord knows you have *ALWAYS* been there for me

Hang in there baby - you are, as always, in my prayers!

*Aimee*

[angel--baby]

"at least you have your health and kids" well not really being depressed is hell on wheels for your health, and you kids will suffer that as well, so tell them ppl to piss off i think there are many things going on that you are getting the sh*tty end of the stick on (espically around here)! im sorry chad lost his job, i know how bad that sux, but lost his last july but thankfully it only took him 2 months to find another one! i know how bad things are looking right now, and i sympathize fully with you (((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) i hope all is well soon, and if you need to talk, you know where to find me

[Meant2BsomeonesMom]

Shawna,
I'm sorry you are feeling so down these days. These kind of things are happening everywhere we turn around here lately, and I know how hard it must be on you.
I don't want to pry, but when your dh got laid off did they just jerk his insurance away? It should have been in effect at least 1-2 months afterward, and then they try to offer you that great (sarcasm there)expensive Cobra insurance.
Anyway, while your dh is unemployed and you are too, maybe you should apply for whatever your state can help you with while you are down on your luck temporarily, like wic, medicaid--that would at least pay for your sons appt.
You have to think about your whole family, If pride is an issue with state help, throw it on the back burner and make sure your family has what they need, no matter how or who helps.
Good Luck w/ Job hunting !

[Beth S]

I cant explain all these things that are going wrong for you and your dh but i just want to say im sorry and you have everyones support. God has a plan and things will look up.

How is the job hunt going? I will pray that things look up
for you .

Please keep us posted


Beth S

[Kittycat]

That kind of news is bound to send anyone into a depression! You hang in there girl and know we all care about you! I will be keeping you and Chad in my prayers. I hope he finds another job soon.

[puffin2424]

I just found your post ,so i'm sorry you didn't get my support sooner as I to briefly went down that dark hole.The past few years of my life seem to either be spireling down or just standing still.In 2000 I left my husband,I was already on meds for depression.Things only got worse.I couldn't seem to hold a job.Then I met my current BF,and he has done his best to take care of me.In2001 he lost his job.His parrents offerd that we could move in with them untill we got on our feet,but that requierd us moveing from Ashville where all my family and friends are to, Raliegh NC.I was hopeful when I got here,but after being here a little over a year it seems now that I am just stuck.We actually live in Creedmoor wich is about20 to 30 mins.away from everywhere.We have one car an he works in a bad part of Durham.I have had two crappy jobs since i'v been here and currently I don't have one at all.So he works and i'm just ....HERE.The thing that causes such a problem is I know what i need to do to survive here and get to work on health issues,but I don't have the means to do it.We also owe his parrent's a great deal of money.So I am going back home temperarly .Then I got af,and that makes me crazy in it's self.Then I get sick and that made it worse.So I can relate.I'm sorry you are haveing such a hard time.I hope and pray you'll climb out of that hole soon.I can say this,knowing what the problem is can sometimes be the means that helps you go on.Live for your children,because even though you may not be providing for them,what good would you do them if you just quit functioning ,or worse.If you were dead.My prayers are with you,and remember if you get thruogh this it only makes you stronger.God never gives you more then you can handle.(wow)I wish I had told myself that 2 weaks ago.Hang in there.