The reality has just hit me

[wannanotherbaby]

Today, I passed three gestational sacs. I am trying to put my feelings and emotions in order and to keep them under contol for my angel on earth (16month old son), but I am finding it harder and harder, especially after passing what would have been my miracle tripplets. I can not stop crying now. I feel like crawling in a hole and crying till I have no more tears. I don't understand, nor do I feel peace at all about any of this. My heart is so heavy, it feels like it is in my stomach. I don't know what to say or how to express my pain and grief or even who to talk to. I am afraid if I talk to my doctor, he will want us to put off the TTC process. I am afraid to talk to DH, because he is all ready so heartbroken and I don't want him to have to deal with my grief as well as his own. I feel like I have to be strong for my angel on earth. Yes, I have had 4 other m/c, but none have been this hard on me emotionally or physically. Yes, each was very hard on me, but when I look into the face of my baby boy, I see my heavenly angels. I feel like I have let him, my husband, my angel babies, and myself down. I don't know why we get pregnant to lose our babies, that is probably the first question I will ask at the gates of heaven, but I don't know if I really want to know the answer. Then to make matters worse, my "friend" calls today, after I told her about the m/c yesterday, and asks me if I will take her to go register for her baby shower. This is her 3rd UNPLANNED pregnancy. My heart is broken, my hopes are crushed, my soul is torn and my faith is tired. I have 8 angel babies. I m/c 3 singletons, 1 set of twins, and this set of tripplets. I want 4 children, but have been tring since the age of 18 (when I was married to my ex-husband) and have had one baby in almost 10 years. At this rate I will be 58 by the time I have 4 children. I am so hurt and angry and don't know where to direct it. I find myself getting an attitude with DH, for no reason, crying at the sight of my son, bawling every time I use the restroom and the constant flow of blood reminds me of my body rejecting my beautiful babies. What do I do, where do I go, how do I heal?

Sorry to have gone on for so long, but you were the only ones I felt comfortable sharing this with. thanks for listening.

[airforcewifeynva]

I just wanted to post and say that I am sorry that you are going through this. I have lost 2 babies early in pregnancy and we lost our son last year in July. I was 37 weeks pg and he was stillborn due to a cord accident. Doesn't matter what anyone says right now, its not gonna help. At least that is how I felt. We had a funeral for our son and we had tons of people show up....which meant tons of people telling us that we will have more children and not to give up. After trying 4 years and then losing your son, that just doesn't make you feel better. I say take your time and grieve as much as you want. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard losing a baby. I will say a prayer for you and your family. Hang in there and feel free to post here whenever you want. Thats what we are here for!

[packerfan]

Toni,

I am crying reading your post. I had a very hard time with my one m/c, your 8 angels break my heart. I give you all the credit in the world for keeping the faith and tcc.

I hate to say but you have a very insensitive "friend" to ask you to help her register after your so recent loss. I would ask her to find someone else to help her. I still have a hard time with doing pregnancy/baby shower things for friends and it has been 5 months. Right now I think it is too soon to put yourself through that.

I think you should talk to your husband about your feelings, I'm sure he feels the same way and is just as scared and tired and crushed as you are. Communicate with each other and lean on each other. Take all the time you need to grieve and take one day at a time.

I'll be praying for you and your family.


(((((HUGS)))))

Kim

[lots_of_dots]

Toni,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know nothing I can say will help so just know we are here for you. Don't let your friend pressure you into doing anything you are not ready for. Two weeks after my m/c last year I went to my SIL's baby shower (we were due three days apart but she lives in CA and was out here on a scheduled vaca so her family gave her a baby shower when she was only 9 weeks pregnant). It was awful! I was sooo not ready for something like that but I went because I knew my mother would make a big deal out of it if I didn't. If it happened again, I would tell my mother to go jump in a lake but you know what they say - hindsight is 20/20. I only tell you this to help you avoid what I went through. Take all the time you need for yourself and tell everyone else if they can't be strong for you then it's best if they just give you some space. God Bless.

((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[TracyW2]

Oh toni I am so so so sorry for you. I have never gone through a m/c but I can only imagine the pain that you are going through. Take the time you need to emotionally get through this. My heart is crying for you. My best of luck for you and your dh in this time of need.

Please remember that we are here for you.

~TRacy

[mamadawny]

Toni,
I feel your grief sweetie. There isn't anything I can do or say to make these feelings go away but I can give you my understanding. This is a horrible thing that has happened to you but you have to go on and be strong for your little guy. Your day will come again, I really feel it will be soon. You will never forget these babies but in time you will heal. I am sorry you had to pass them the way you did. At least with my ectopic, everything was reabsorbed by my body. If I would have seen my baby coming out of me like that I'm sure it would all seem more real. Please let me know if I can do anything to help.

[DavisSR]

I don't visit this board often, because I never know what to say. I remember when you found out that there were three, now it saddens me to hear that they are gone.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this now. The only thing I can imagine that will help you, is expressing your grief as you have done here. Don't be so hard on yourself, cry when you need to, keeping it bottled up will only cause an explosion later on.

Hugs to you and your DH and precious little one here on earth.

Sheri