Do you think it is wrong to "ride the fence" betweet TTC and adoption?

[mamadawny]

My adopted baby girl is 2 1/2 now and I really want another child. We have been trying for 6 months now and have had one ectopic pregnancy and the rest failures. To adopt through the same Law office we did before, the cost has went up another $10,000. I am torn about what to do. There was another post asking adoptive parents if you ever wish you could be pregnant or are you happy with the adoption thing. In all honesty I have to say, I would NOT trade my daughter for the world but I would have LOVED to be the one who carried her, I would have loved breastfeeding her, I would have loved to have her all to myself and not have to worry about sending pictures to her birthparents, writting them notes about how she is doing or wondering if they are going to see her on the yearly visits. Is that wrong? Part of me just wants to throw in the towel and do another adoption and be done with the TTC insanity but another part of me wants to be pregnant! ARGH! Anyway, now we are having our lawyer show our profile to prospective birthparents, we have a relative who knows a pregnant woman who wants to place her baby and she is telling her about us, plus we are trying to conceive with the help of a RE. Is it wrong to TTC at the same time you are waiting to be matched to adopt? I feel guilty that I am not FOR SURE what I want to do! Can anyone relate?

[Angelarock]

I don't think there is anything wrong with trying for both and seeing which comes first. As long as you haven't made a comittment to a child that will have to be broken. Worst case scenario you would have two children nine months apart.

I did the same thing pursuing adoption and ttc, and it's ending up that our adoption is going to go through and still no luck concieving. In my case, it was a blessing to go for both, if I'd cast all my eggs in one basket so to speak, I would have missed out on either the adoption, or the knowledge I gained through ttc. I am very open to having children nomatter how they come. I just want them, plain and simple.

I can relate about the desire to bond without sharing or competing with another family. I am a foster/adopt mother. Even though our birthmother has made no effort to get these boys returned to her, and has zero chance of getting them for that reason, we still have to meet with her once a week, and call her once a week. In previous posts I talked about the hard part of fost/adopt, and this is definetly it.

Although I can understand the pain of the birthparent, I strongly feel the best interests of our family are that we stop having two families and start making a strongly bonded one family. Does jealousy play into it sometimes? Definetly. Overall though, when I remember that she helped give my boys life, I feel more charitable, but it is definetly a struggle.

Luckily for our family, we only have four more months of this before her rights are terminated and we can move forward with adoption free and clear.

As far as I can tell, open adoption where there is contact between the birthfamily and the adopted child is generally very theraputic for the birthfamily, but hard on the adoptive family.

If it were my choice, i'd go for an adoption without contact with the child, but with pictures and letters only. There's more feeling of entitlement, less sharing that way. Your family is the important one, you have to be strong and feel bonded for that child's wellbeing. Anything that questions that bond is destructive.

well anyway, there's my soapbox, I give it back to you now.
.

[Lisa75]

I know what your saying. We have Destiny who is now 3 months old, but we're still thinking of TTC. I mean we were when we heard about her, but we are wanting her to have a sister or brother. I can't decide what to do. I also would love to carry a child, but I also want to have another child sometime down the line also regardless of how the Lord blesses me.
I just don't know what to do either. It's hard. I'm like should I ttc and do that for another year and then try to adopt or what. It's like sometimes I just want to scream! LOL I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But no don't feel bad, there's nothing wrong with the way you feel.

Lisa75

[dna]

I am afraid I can relate too...

We just adopted our son, and my husband is already talking about our girl...we are planning to adopt a 2nd from China but we have to be 30 first of all so its going to be another few years. We are also going for classes in the fall for our local adoption...

There is no doubt we will also ttc without protection and perhaps with the aid of our fert. specialist, just not hard core, with IVF and all that jazz...its too much stress when we have a 16 month old here, I want to enjoy every second of him and not worry about whether or not we should be 'doin it' kinda thing...

Maybe its becuz he is SO new to us and we are enjoying him SO much ?? maybe in a few we will feel the same desire to complete our family however we go about it...

Point of this ramble is....there is nothing wrong with spreading your options out... adoption and bio are both blessings

Amy

[mamadawny]

Thanks guys,
I feel better now. You know, after Maegan was born and before we found out about her disability I was sure we would adopt again and not even try to have a bio child. I was worried that she would feel like the odd guy out even though I knew we would never love another child more than we do her. After we found out she has Angelman syndrome it just didn't matter. She won't care how people come into our family, she will just love them no matter what. I guess we will just see what happens next. In the meantime I am getting letters together to update our homestudy. Just trying to have all of our bases covered.

[CherryPopTart]

Hi Dawn

I read your post and just wanted to tell you that I feel EXACTLY like you do. I know you and I have talked about this before, and I took your advice to heart. I did try two rounds of Clomid, but I just know that God is calling us to adopt. To be honest, I haven't completely given up the idea of a bio child.....but we have stopped trying so hard and throwing ourselves into it. It's actually such an amazing release. Life is enjoyable again. I LOVE not caring what cycle day I'm on, or taking my temp in the morning, or charting at night. And mostly, I love that I only take the gluc.....and little else! I was so sick of all the pills and the wasted money that went right down the drain. We tried the two cycles of Clomid while we were searching for an agency and doing our research. Once we turned in our application and offically started the process, I did stop taking all the meds and trying so hard. BUT, I do still have hope...and I do still believe that *someday* it will happen. We aren't trying to prevent and I know myself well enough to know that if I see fertile CM I'll want to BD. And we will......but without the hope and desperation we felt before. I think once you learn about your body and you try for so long to get pregnant, it's hard to let go of that mentality. DH just thinks we should abandon TTC all together.....but I just can't. And like the other posters said, I don't care how I get my children, I just want them......and whatever way God decides to give them to us, is okay with me.

I've read that you shouldn't try to go through both the adoption and TTC process at the same time.....but I think they mean going at the TTC thing full force. I can see where trying to do IVF and adopt at the same time would just be too much....but there's no reason you can't still try other ways while you're adopting. The way I see it, two babies would be a wonderful double blessing!!!!

For myself, I think I need to lose about 100 pounds before my body will allow a pregnancy......so I'm going to adopt, work on the weight loss and just see what happens.

Lots of luck to you sweetie!!!
Hugs,
Therese

[cbeldner]

Sometimes I feel like such an outsider. I'm the exact opposite of everyone who has posted so far.

My son is 11 months old and was brought to us by adoption and we have the crazy birthmother stuff. And I did struggle with that for a little while.

But we are facing some really painful things now that I am pregnant. Some things we never considered possible! First we were not TTC. I was already 2.5 months pregnant when I found out. I'm now 5 months pregnant. We were making our plans to start the adoption process this December but God of course has changed all that.

So back to the painful things:

Our closest friends have said the following:
Glad you are getting a real child.
This child is really your first one.
You will love this child more because it came out of you.

And the list goes on and on. And they don't say this stuff just once...it's all the time. And even though we correct them every time they still do not truly understand how deeply we are hurt. These were the same people that were in our house when we brought our son home for the first time.

And to make matters more complicated my son is bi-racial and this baby will be caucasion. Now we face fears of what are children will go through as the grow up together culturaly.

We are talking about adopting a third child of a different race, maybe African American, just so there are not two of the same to gain up on each other. (Does that make sense)

So rather than enjoying being blessed with a pregnancy I struggle with even wanting this baby. I'm crying now... It just sucks all around.

What if this baby I'm carrying is a girl and I pass PCOS on to her? Is that fair?

Plus living every day in fear that this will be the day that I will miscarry.

I would tell all of you it's just not worth it. Of course, your situations may all be completely different. But it's amazing the change in those around you and the things we never expected or even imagined possible, I'm disgusted, angry, hurt, confused, and sad.

Please pray for us.

[ScrapbookChick]

Cbeldner, you're not alone and consider the prayers on their way. I too have not pursued any IF treatments for many reasons; fear the IF treatments will make me an hormonal witch to my babiers, the slight chance that certain members of my husband's family would cause a competition of birth vs. adoption and make similar idoitic coments, plus if I had a high risk PG with bed rest I wouldn't be able to take care of the children I have. We are thinking of begining the process of adopting again for an infant (and Oy Vey! another International process at that, paperchase purgatory here we come again!)

And while I think the comments your 'friends' are making are so rude, callous and narrow minded, I know during my two brief PG that I was an emotional wreck. Don't be too hard on yourself if you feel angry, depressed, etc., your body is going through SO much right now that it's no surprise you feel so strongly about things. I've had PG friends burst into tears over cat food commercials, recalling a childhood pet that had been in "pet heaven" for 20 years.

Your son and your new baby will be close, because you and your DH have an extreme influence on how they will feel about the situation. You sound like such a wonderful, loving Mommy, that I have no doubt that if you keep doing what you're doing, and as your son is older, and at age appropriate levels, you can share with him just how happy you are he came into your family and everything happened the way it did for God's plan, he'll do just fine.

As for your "close friends"...if it were me I would announce at the next get together that if anything like the orignal offending comments are said again, especially in front of either of my REAL children the person(s) will no longer be welcome in my home or life.

[ScrapbookChick]

Just wanted to add to the orignal thread content; I've grieved over never carrying a baby to term, and I do understand ALL the stories other Cysters have posted. God is so good, all the time, that I know we'll all have the children meant to be ours, in our families in all sorts of ways.

I had quite an eye opening experience last year right after our International move. AF was 14 days late--never been that late without being PG. I was SOBBING because I'm currently 95 lb. overweight, had a seven and eight month old, our furniture hadn't even arrived yet, and I was looking at a surprise PG. The thought of being PG did not excite me in any shape or form. When AF did arrive, I'd never been so happy or relieved, and it really opened my eyes as to how I would have accepted the situation. You could have knocked me over with a feather if you'd have told me I'd act this way before my babies arrived.

[CherryPopTart]

Just wanted to chide in with something scrapbookchick said......

My husband's only living relative, his sister, has said many things similiar to what you said your friends have said to you cbel.

Besides the children we hope to adopt, my husband has two step children from a previous marriage, whom we LOVE so very much. His sister has always refused to acknowledge them as her niece and nephew, and went so far as to tell me once that my husband doesn't know what it's like to be a "real daddy." She also told me that we would NEVER know what it was like to be real true parents unless we had bio children. I was, and am still, very hurt by that. This was a woman that I asked to be my maid of honor at our wedding. (she declined because her mother got very ill and eventually passed away) She made these remarks in March, and our relationship has never been the same. We discussed it at length, and she refuses to apologize or even acknowledge that it was hurtful or a mean thing to say. So, my husband and I have had to slowly disolve the relationship. It's been difficult because like I said, that is his only relative. Both of his parents are dead, and he has no other siblings. But we have no room in our lives for this kind of negativity and I don't want those kinds of comments to be heard by any of our children.

Some people are shallow, ignorant, and just plain stupid. And although it hurts, sometimes you just have to ask them to leave your life. You have to do what's best for your family. The way I see it, Barbara has deprived herself and her only son of a loving and wonderful extended family. It's her loss, and ultimately, it was her decision.

You may feel all alone, but you aren't. Just remember that YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are ultimately responsible for the way your children will feel about their family -- and I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job of making sure they know they are BOTH your children and loved equally. )) I'll keep you in my prayers.

Love
Therese

[websissy]

My DH and I were in the approval stage of preparing for a Panama adoption when I got pregnant in March. A few weeks after getting pregnant we received our INS approval and had all our paperwork ready. We wanted to continue with the adoption process, telling my agency in March as soon as I found out I was PG - that we want them to know we hoped to have the adoption complete before our baby was born in November. We were willing to adopt a toddler, so there would have been an age difference. To make a long story short - things didn't work out. The agency basically decided for our best interest and for future families trying to adopt from Panama (they said their Courts may look at us as Greedy Americans), that we should put our adoption plans on hold until after our baby is born. Since I was required to travel to Panama (not like China where only one parent has to be there) and considered the health risks, DH and I decided to put our adoption plans on hold. At first it was a let down, but now I feel like I am able to concentrate on the baby's and my health and not have any stress that's related to adoption, etc.

So, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't put either plans on hold until you either get PG or have a child that you have already committed to adopt. Either way it will be a blessing. PS - you can have your Doc give you hormones so you can lactate and be able to breastfeed your adopted baby

Best wishes,

[mom2allen]

I may be in the minority, but I do feel that all efforts of TTC should cease before moving forward to adopt. So many people think that adoption is a second choice -- a last ditch effort. I think for adoption to be healthy for all involved, most especially for the child, that the mindset when approaching adoption is that THIS is the way you want to create your family.

I found out 10 years ago I couldn't have kids without a lot of medical assistance, and when we chose to adopt, adoption was our number one choice. It wasn't second best. We adopted our son in December, at birth, and I love him more than life itself. To TTC at this point, I think (for me personally) would be unfair to him and the bond we share.

Just my .02 cents.

Karen

[mamadawny]

Yip,
I felt the same way as you when my daughter was the age of your son. Now knowing she has a rare, genetic disorder and won't know the difference between adopted and biological, it's not important anymore.
To tell the truth, I would like to have a regular hodge podge of a family. One with special needs, blonde hair and blue eyes, one brown eyed and 1/2 hispanic, a short, pudgy one (of course that one is the bio kid haha!) and even one from China. I don't really feel like my family has to fit into a certain, little box. All of those fantasies were shot down when we received Maegans diagnosis. Marie Osmond has adopted and bio children. When asked which ones are adopted, she replies "I can't remember" All in all to me it doesn't matter how they come to us, as long as they DO come!

[dna]

I am for the hodge-podge as well...

We are wanting to adopt our daughter from China and if a bio child comes in between now and then so be it !

I want all my children to know they are special no matter where they come from no matter how they came to our family...

Whoooooohoooo for Rainbow Sherbert !!!!

Amy

[Sari]

I found out 10 years ago I couldn't have kids without a lot of medical assistance, and when we chose to adopt, adoption was our number one choice. It wasn't second best. We adopted our son in December, at birth, and I love him more than life itself. To TTC at this point, I think (for me personally) would be unfair to him and the bond we share.

Karen, just my opinion, but how would this be any different from if he was a bio child and you were considering a second bio child? It wouldn't "threaten the bond" any differently. If anything, it's more like being obligated not to TTC, and how do you think that would make your current child feel? IMHO, of course.