Questioning my faith

[PaulaMc]

If any of you have read my thread in the Rant section, you will know I'm having a bit of a tough time. A friend of mine announced this weekend that they are expecting their second child. Although birth announcements aren't anything new, this just really hit me hard. I've begun to question God and question my faith. I'm not an overly religious person. I don't go to church or believe in organized religion. I do, however, believe in God. Him and I talk quite frequently...well, I talk and he listens, I think .

I just don't understand WHY. Why is it that there is such a horrid disease? Why is it that I have PCOS? What did I do wrong? What am I being punished for? I know God works in ways that we don't understand. He has given me so much already and I feel bad for questioning my faith. It's just that it feels like I'm a bad person or being punished for some wrong.

I've read a lot of the posts here in the Faith & Healing section. I was hoping for maybe a prayer or if any of my Faith-full cysters have any advice for me.

[sharone]

Paula,

I really do understand. I ask God "why" all the time and sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. But then I ask Him to "Show me" and things can become clearer. For years, God has proven to me that He has always been there and that He always has reasons and I have to be patient, keep my eyes open, pray, and trust Him.

Here's what I conclude: If I believe in God, if I can look at the splendor of the earth, the blessings in my life, and trust completely in Him and His Son, then I must believe what His word says. His word says He wants to prosper us, His word says that he wants to bless us, His word says that if we ask Him anything then He will answer us.

There are stories in the Bible about women who were barren and God blessed them with children. Sometimes reading those verses can encourage us women. My favorite is found in I Samuel 1 & 2. It's about Hannah who so desparately wanted a child. It says "She KEPT praying to the Lord..." She prayed so much that her husband noticed her mouth was moving but words were not coming out. You can also read about Elizabeth who wanted a child and an angel of the Lord came to her husband and told him that his wife was going to become pregnant. Her husband couldn't believe it and because of his unbelief he couldn't speak until the birth of his son, John the baptist! And of course there was Sarah who gave birth to Isaac at age of 100! God does work in mysterious ways!

Also read Ex 23: 25-26, Duet 28:1-14. It might be helpful to go to a good bible-based church and join the women's groups there. They can be so supportive!

I will pray you find answers and feel peace and joy!

God Bless!

[katydyd]

We just had a sermon in my church last Sunday that I wish you could have heard. I'm not a preacher and somtimes even get the message a little mixed up but here goes: God does not design the bad things that happen, however he allows us to experience them because he gave us free will. Without getting too theological, just remember if you never ever see the bad, you cannot appreciate the good. Everything that happens has a reason. Maybe you need to experience this because someday you will meet someone who is hurting worse and you will need to be able to empathize. Maybe someone else will see the way you deal with your problems and be encourage by your strength enough to continue to battle their own problems. Just remember honey, don't give up on God b/c He will never give up on you. ((Hugs))

[Swingin' Cyster]

Dear Paula, so sorry to hear you struggling. We all do. If you believe in God who is good, then you must know there is a devil who is evil. Both good and evil exist in the world b/c of free will. And like katydyd said, appreciating the good is only possible when you witness the evil. Suffering exists! Everyone suffers! You aren't being punished with this disease any more than a cancer patient. I suggest reading Hind's Feet in High Places, it is an excellent depiction of what suffering can become... (small book, easy read) Also, many of the most "religious" people have trouble - Mother Teresa struggled terribly with feeling cut off from God. Persevere through the hard times, the SON is just around the corner!
Kara

[Pamela]

Ditto what the other posters said. I to have a hard time lately with my faith. But, persevere, there is light at the end and it could possibly make you a stronger person.
Pam

[roxieliz]

One thing that has always helped me through all my tough times, and there have been MANY (both PCOS related and not), is something that my mother told me as a little girl. God does give us more than we can handle. Sometimes, I wish he didn't think I could handle so much, but looking back I'm glad for all the trials I've gone through because it has made me who I am today. It's true that what doesn't defeat us makes us stronger. Maybe all this crap you have to deal with now is preparing you for something down the road. Your future children, being able to relate to others who have PCOS, or God forbid being there for a young friend, relative, or daughter when she finds out she has this disease.

Hang in there sweetie. It gets easier.

[PaulaMc]

Thank you all for your words! It does mean a lot. I don't always understand that way God works. But I guess I'm not supposed to.

I believe that He has a purpose for all of us, that we are put here for a reason. I'm struggling with that, as well, right now. As you have mentioned, I just have to keep my faith in what God does. He has given me 2 miracles already (my brother and my dh). I guess I have to keep trusting Him.
But sometimes it is hard!

[katydyd]

It's always hard. But it is worth it

[yistersister]

I just wanted to add my thoughts. I definitely understand what you feel and have been there many times. I don't know how long you have been waiting, but I waited 9 years for God to answer my prayers. The day we started trying, my sister started at the same time. She got pregnant right away and the day she had the baby, I was also at the hospital, learning of my problems with a doctor who told me I would never conceive. Then I had to walk to the labor/delivery wing to see my sister who was successful. Relating that still makes my heart break. It has been difficult watching my nephew grow while my heart grew colder. Those 9 years were hell at times. There were many times in tears, I would tell my husband that he had to carry the faith for me for awhile because I didn't have it anymore. God understands. I have questioned, begged, cried and yelled at Him. But all the while I always added in my prayers "in Your time". Well, nine years later, we did have a surprise. Trust me, the experience you are going through will remain with you the rest of your life. My 9 years did in the long run strengthen my faith. I always trusted Him even though I was mad and hurt. I look back now and realize that this is the best time in our lives this could have happened. Both dh and I needed maturing and faith building before we were ready truly. I now know that Gods timing is perfect.

I just wanted to tell you that it is ok to be angry and hurt. God understands. I hope His timing for you is soon!!

[PaulaMc]

Thanks so much for the support! I believe that it has helped

I've been reading a book that I've had for a while. It's called Never To Be A Mother. I forget who it's by. I bought it when I was in Omaha before I had met my dh. It has some good info in it and has helped.

For now, I've concluded that I will not be a mother. But that's OK. I look at the "freedom" that my dh and I have without children and compare it to the "freedom" (or lack of) that our friends have. ((And I don't want anyone here that has children or ttc to take that in the wrong way...this is just for me personally)) Thanks everyone for the prayers!!!!!