Birthmother visitation (long)

[stormspirit]

Ok, I'm so completely torn and frustrated. A little background...DH and I adopted from the sister of one of our best friends. She already had one child who was adopted by the grandmother. Because of her past (drugs) the Dept. of Family and Children Services (DFACS) told her they would not allow her to keep her baby once it was born. She opted to put her up for adoption instead of having her go into foster care. I knew going into this adoption that the bm, and her family would still like to see Jessica, even though they said it was up to me and DH how we handled it, and if we would allow it. DH and I were at the hospital for the birth and there the whole time Jess was there, and we took her straight from the hospital. Two days later we took her to the home of the birth grandmother (where the bm was staying while she was pregnant) to see the bm and her family.

Shortly after that DFACS made the bm leave that house because she again got into trouble with drugs. She went to stay with friends for a while, and eventually ended up voluntarily (because she knew it would look good when she went to court) going to a drug rehabilitation missionary house type thing.

This past weekend was the first time she's been able to leave the missionary home and we took Jessica to see her at her mother's house (because her mother called and asked us to). This was only the 2nd time the bm has seen her since we left the hospital. (We've taken Jessica many times to see the grandmother.) She never made any attempt to see her before going into this home. I really thought I could handle it, but it was so hard for me. I didn't want to go. The whole time I was there I wanted so bad to scoop Jessica up and leave.

A friend of mine knows one of the girls who works at this missionary house and she was telling my friend about this girl who had just had a baby and had given it up for adoption and how all she talked about is how she's gotta get clean so she can get her baby back. By putting 2 and 2 together my friend realized that she was talking about our bm, so she told me about it.

Now, every other weekend the bm will get to come home for a day, and she expects us to bring Jessica to see her. I don't know what to do. It just feels wrong. I don't want to do it. I don't want Jessica to ever look at this girl as her mother. I see how confused the other daughter is and I don't want Jessica to have to go through that. I don't know what to do. DH feels the same way, although not quite as emotional as I do. We have even talked about moving up by my parents, 2 hours away, so that we would be farther from the bm and her family. I feel guilty for thinking this way, but I can't help it. I know that she didn't give Jessica up because she wanted to, but only because she knew DFACS would let her keep her. She would have taken her and screwed up her life like she has her other daughter if she had been given the chance. It's not like she's a teenager who couldn't take care of her kid. She's 25 years old.

Have any of you been through this with your bm? How should I handle this? Do I just need to get over it?

TIA, Leigh Ann

[DanaJ]

Leigh Ann, I don't blame you for being nervous. It's hard to think of Jessica thinking of anyone being her mom but you. The one thing I would suggest is that you try your hardest not to be the one to cut off contact. My dh had three adopted siblings. They all agree that one of the things that made being adopted easier is knowing that their adopted parents tried to keep their birth parents in the picture. You don't want Jessica to ever blame you if the birthmother doesn't keep in contact.

[odiej]

I can understand 100% what you are going through right now. We did the same thing with our daughter Peyton.

My advice to you is that if your BM 1 month is up I would cut all physical ties. My agency told us to keep pictures in a envelope and send it to the BM once a year with a letter just for a progress report. But technically you don't have to do any thing.

If she is making you feel uncomfortable then get yourself out of the situation if she knows your number change it. move if you can and if not ask her not to come to your home, that you and your family have decided to try and start a new life with your daughter and you need to cut the ties because you are feeling uncomfortable.

If she won't leave you alone then get a restraining order because it then turns into harassment.

If nothing is in writing when it comes to visitation and letters and pictures then honestly you owe her none of it, but it is a wonderful thing she did and the pictures are something nice for her.

if you ever want to chat e-mail me anytime

[stormspirit]

Thank you both for your replies.

I agree that I don't want Jessica to blame me for her birth parents not having contact with her. I just wonder if long term it will be better for Jessica if she doesn't see her bm. Her bf is not in the picture at all. He could care less.

I’m just concerned that if I don’t put my foot down now I’m going to end up with a mess on my hands and the bm thinking that she can just see her whenever she wants. I don’t want her thinking she can come to my house and things like that, and I’m not going to take Jessica over there all the time either. I’m just trying to do this a civily as possible. I don’t want to get anything started, that’s for sure. I think that the less the bm sees her now the less she’ll care about seeing her in the future. I just don’t want to be making a mistake. And, I do have the fear that she will decide she wants her back and actually try to get her. There are so many “what ifs” running through my mind.

[odiej]

my issue with our BP is they were both drug users and when the bm finally realized she was pg she was 3 months along and she has a new life with another man and has quit all drugs now but the bf is still a heavey user still.

Honestly do you want the BM to come around high and then touch your daughter? This is the exact reason we have no contact with the BF. You don't want that around your daught especially since there are many drugs who can seep through their skin and out of their pours(sp?)

Please remember that this is just my opinion since i am going through a similar thing.

Like i said before it is a beautiful gift that was given to you but you have to remember that no matter what the BM would never have raised this child and there is a reason for that. I feel through your posts that she feels that Jessica being with you means that she will always have her daughter and she can come around when ever she wants. And is that really healthy for Jessica.

Have you thought about when you are going to tell Jessica that you adopted her?

[sun]

Let me say - I have never been in a similar situation - so take my advice with the grain(s) of salt it deserves.

I can understand your concerns. It does seem that 2x a month is excessive - and I can understand not wanting them in your home, or for you to cater to them constantly. So why not offer to meet them in a park or somewhere else where you can be in a public non-territorial area.

The next time they contact you about getting together, just say that sounds great! DD & I were planning on going to such & such park between 3 & 4 - you're more than welcome to join us, we usually hang around ___ area.

It could work for a couple months anyway - while the weather's nice.

I don't think it's unreasonable either, if some of the time you already have plans, out of town visitors, birthday parties, etc. already planned for the day when BM would have been able to visit.

Whatever you decide - Good Luck!

[Jen312]

Obviously I'm not in this position either...I was just rummaging around the boards, so forgive me if my 2 cents is unwelcomed!

I agree with Sun--2x monthly is EXCESSIVE! She's your baby only, this is not a shared custody. You and your little family need to make your own plans and have your own life. It's a tough situation, is there anyway you could get a mediator--someone to help facilitate this process?

Good luck--I know Jessica is in a good place.

Take care.

[Miss-Meme]

I am also not in your situation but will put in my $.02. I have took some adoption classes as DH and I were looking into adoption.

I would talk to the BM about how you feel. You said:

I knew going into this adoption that the bm, and her family would still like to see Jessica, even though they said it was up to me and DH how we handled it, and if we would allow it.

I would tell her what you guys felt you could do. Maybe tell her something like, 2 times a year you would like to visit with her (or what ever amount you would like). I like the whole meeting at the park. Also that you will send her updates every other month or every 3-6 months until age (whatever) and then once a year or more as you want.


Also you might want to talk about what you would like your child to call her BM. By her first name, a pet name (nothing that sounds like mama or mom...) or Auntie or something else. This will let her know that this is not a co-parent thing.


Is the BM getting counseling for the adoption? Maybe she should?

This is just my $.02...take it or leave it!

[stormspirit]

Thank you all so much for your opinions and ideas. I think the problem right now is that the bm is under the assumption that we'll just let her see Jessica whenever she wants to come around. I don't like this at all. And, I don't want Jessica to ever think of her as more than a friend of the family. One of the reasons I think that I'm afraid of being to "strict" is that these people are our friends. Yes, the bm has made alot of mistakes and is definately not fit to be a mother, but her whole family are our friends. Her brother calls my mother mama and just loves her to death.

I'm sorry, I know I sound like I'm whining, and I don't mean to be like that. I think I'm just looking for a happy medium. When the bm was pregnant and we were planning for Jessica's arrival I had all these ideas about how wonderful it was going to be for her to have two families. I took all of these pictures of the bm with her at the hospital. The bf came to sign his paperwork for the adoption and I got pictures of him holding Jessica. I knew that one day these pictures would mean alot to Jessica. Now I think I've decided that she needs to have one "family", but I don't know how the birth family should play into her life. Her real life. Right now it's so easy because she's only a baby. What about when she's 10 or even 15. I don't want her to get mad at me in her rebellious stage and tell me she's going to live with her bm. OK, now I'm really starting to sound like I'm losing it. I think my hormones are going crazy or something. I didn't have any of these feelings until we actually took her to see her bm. I was so jealous. I didn't want her to touch her. Now I sound like a hateful b****. I'm sorry.

Leigh Ann

[Miss-Meme]

Did you adoption thru an agency? Maybe you should see if they can give you some counseling? I'm not saying that your wacked out and need it. Just to help you with your feelings aboug the adoption. They can help you understand more.

[dms]

By the way, Jessica is just beautiful!!!

I personally don't think it is healthy for a child to visit his/her bm until they are much older and ready to deal with it. I think it is confusing to a child. We had a semi open adoption with our BM (we sent her pictures, letters and phone calls for the first year).

I know that others have different opinions and that is fine too. It all depends on each individual person and how they feel. If you are not comfortable with it, then just do what you think is right for your daughter.

Good luck,
Dawn

[kok1922]

Hi

As other posters said, I haven't been in your position so my advice/thoughts may not be that relevant...

My best friend's niece had a child at 20 yrs. old. She picked a couple to adopt the baby and it was the couple's 3rd open adoption.

In all three cases, the couple sends the bm pictures every three months and an annual letter until the child is 6 years old. Then, the pictures are every year with the letter.

All of the children see their BM on/at their birthdays as well as one other established time per year. I thinkall the kids have summer birthday so the other time is usually around the holidays.

My friend's niece, at first, pushed for more and the adoptive family said no. Now, 10 years later, the niece has said that no one ever said "no" to her before - she ran wild in her teens - and the hardest part about the adoption was someone just telling her a flat out no and she had to deal with it. She said it was so much more about her trying to get what she wanted than really about taking care of her child. She is now 30 yrs. old, has just graduated college, and is engaged to be married this fall.

I guess my point is that maybe your bm is the same way - maybe no one has ever forced her to accept limits before. And, unfortunately, you and your husband may have to be the ones to set the limits. Twice a month is WAY too much - BTW - that's more than I see most relatives!

And, as Jessica gets older, she'll understand why things are the way they are. And, when she's 10 or 15 years old and if she wants to see her BM more, you will have established an unbreakable bond and you can deal with those visitation issues then.

Kelly

[stormspirit]

Wow Kelly, you really put it into perspective for me. You are probably exactly right. It's not about her wanting to raise Jessica it's about her having her way. I think if it was up to the bm she would move in with us just so she can have all the visitation she wants and not have any of the responsibility.

For those of you who asked, no, we don't have an agency. Everything was done as a private adoption. I work for an attorney and he drew up all the paperwork for me. The bm knew how much trouble I'd had getting pregnant and that I'd recently mc'ed and decided to ask us if we were interested in adopting. We jumped on it...probably before thoroughly thinking it through. She was already 38 weeks pregnant when she asked us to adopt so we didn't really have much time to think. I definately don't regret anything, but now I'm doing all the thinking We just have to figure out what our limits are going to be.

Everyone is right though...twice a month is way too much, and never gonna happen. I think we will try to avoid the situation for now and if we are called again to come I'll just put it point blank...no. I'm not sure how I'll do it, but I need to put my foot down. Unfortunately the bm's mother usually calls me and not DH. He wouldn't have quite as hard a time saying no I don't think. I always want to give excuses, and I don't really think in this situation an excuse is needed, just a firm "this is the way things are going to be."

I think I'm thinking too much of the bm's feelings and not enough for ours and Jessica's. I think it was yesterday that it really hit me. When I took Jessica to the doctor to see if she was over her ear and respiritory infection that she has had for the past three weeks the doctor told me that she has these problems because her bm smoked the whole time she was pregnant. It dawned on me that she didn't care enough about Jessica and her well being while she was pregnant, why would she care about her now. And, now Jessica is having to deal with the concequenses and that makes me sick.

Again, thank you all so much for your help.

[Dawn in KS]

I understand and am sorry about what you are going through.

Our son's BM had no contact for the first 2 1/2 years we had him as a foster child. Then after she signed over her parental rights, she started writing!

She was sending letters to our son that said he could come live with her if he didn't like it at our house!!!! (Of course, I never gave them to him. After that long a period of time, he had no memories of her, only that she beat him.)

Anyhow, I was getting frustrated with her newfound interest and causally mentioned to a friend how much easier it would be if she were out of the picture again, but I was torn as to what to do about it. I always wanted us to meet her as a family when DS was a teen and wanted to know about her.

A week later she died of the seizure disorder that caused her mental delays. I genuinely grieved for her and still do. Now we will never meet her. . . I think this will make things so much harder when DS gets older and wants to explore his roots.

My advice to you would be to continue visitation, maybe just 2x a year. If you are not comfortable with that, then begin sending pictures. I send letters to DS's birth family quarterly even though no one has ever written back (except his mother for about a six month period.) She is YOUR daughter, yes. However, as my DS ages, I want him to know that I did everything I could to respect his birth family and his heritage.

Definitely set the limits you are comfortable with, but make sure that you can justify whatever you decide when your DD is older.

My heart breaks for you. Your pain brings mine out again.

Dawn

[skiboo]

Leigh Ann,
I don't have much to add that others haven't already said... I just saw this thread and wanted to reply to lend you my support. Jessica is your beautiful little daughter and you need to do what you think is right and then stay strong in your convicitions. I hope things get worked out for you soon ... please keep us updated.
(((hugs)))
Janie