I'm not strong enough to do this!

[VivC]

I want my baby boy back. It took us 8 years to get pregnant. I had an incredibly difficult pregnancy, and we almost made it! I had early progesterone problems (bedrest and supplementation), IC (rescue cerclage at 22W and more bedrest), and finally PTL at 24W due to an infection. Through it all, I thought that God was giving us all of these miracles, so Rivi would be fine. I honestly thought that God's hand was keeping him safe.

And, when he was born at 24W6D, he was thriving. The doctors were amazed. He was breathing on his own, and screaming up a storm when they pulled him out. Both of his APGARs were 8s. They whisked him off to the NICU and tried to tell me all of the horrible things that could go wrong, but I wouldn't listen - he'd MADE IT, damnit. He was small, but he was tough, and he'd be fine. Four hours later he could barely breathe with the help of a ventilator. The infection had raised his white blood count to 41,000, when it should have been closer to 5,000. He fought so hard. I watched him somehow raise his oxygen level back up time after time. But finally it affected his heart, too. And I watched them do CPR four times. The fifth time, not even several tries of drugs would work. I had to hold my baby boy while he died. I never even got to change a diaper! All of our pictures are of a dead baby. And I had to go to Buy Buy Baby to pick out a cremation outfit, and everything was too big! And I was surrounded by happy parents while I sobbed in the middle of the store.

Why the hell did God give up? He got us through so much, then it seemed like He didn't care anymore. How do I get through each day when all I want to do is curl up and die?

Here's a link to Rivi's Story:
http://www.soulcysters.net/showthrea...threadid=99840

[*DannysMom*]

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Please know that my thoughts are with you during this difficult time. My heart breaks for you.

Karen

[AvivaElona]

Viv,
I wish there was something I could say to take all the pain away. I wish there was some way to let you know how much I understand. You aren't alone.

I want my baby boy back too, I don't understand why some of us don't get to hold our babies in our arms. I'm not sure there is an explanation. Its ok to grieve though, its ok to just curl up in a ball for a while and cry. Its one of the most awful things that can happen to someone in thier life, maybe the very worst. I wish there were some way of making it better, but the only way it gets any better is just to go through it.

I know so many brave women who have survived the loss of their child. None of them were strong enough to get through it when it happened, and yet they've all come out the other side and can feel joy and laugh again. You will never ever "get over" Rivi. Who would want to get over such a blessed little being? But you will get through this. Don't even think about it now though, just let yourself be sad, angry, lost, whatever you are feeling. They are all normal feelings.

I wish I could give you a hug in real life, but I am sending them virtually across the miles. I'm listening whenever you need to talk.

I hope its ok, but I posted briefly about Rivi on the IC board. You have many people who are thinking of you right now and are sending you love and support.

Aviva


Also, you may not need them or want them now, but here are two websites that I have found useful in helping me cope with Isaac's death.

http://www.misschildren.org/

http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/

[CathyWood]

Hi...I am sorry about your loss. I don't have the words except that i hope we can help you with this. Contact me.

[Mich831]

Hi,

I just wanted to say I am SO sorry. There are no words that will ever make you feel better...only time.

The wonderful ladies on this board are here for you. We all are!

I suffered an early MC 12/02 and it was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. I can only imagine what you are going through. My heart goes out to you.

I am keeping you in my prayers.

Michele

[SouthernComfort]

I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

[SheriKCMO]

Viv,
I am so sad to see this happen to another cyster. You are in my thoughts and are always welcome to contact me anytime. Of course I wish that there was some way to ease your pain, but I know personally that it is a journey that you and your family must take, and it is not easy. I hate doing the work of grieving, but as exhausting as it is, eventually it will get us to a point where there are memories of our children without excruciating pain. I hope you can keep us updated on how you're doing and where life is taking you.
((Hugs))
Sheri

[Catylou's mom]

Even though i may not have posted before i have been following your story from as long as I can remember. I just wanted to let you know how terrible sorry i am to hear your news and i will be praying that you will find all the comfort and support you will need.
Lots of love....

Mandy

[kwannabee]

Oh Viv...i'm sooooo very sorry...

I had to forgive God too at some point...its a terrible terrible thing to feel so abandoned and alone...but your not. I hope you will find peace and comfort...

take care and again my heart goes out to you...