significant others and loss

aprilwashere256 · 01-15-2009, 10:23 PM

How have your significant others dealt with the loss?

My husband will barely speak of it and can't handle seeing the ultrasound that we framed. He had me put it away. He asked the doctor how soon we could start trying again, not me. I'm not sure how to take him wanting to try again so quickly.

shannashimmers · 01-15-2009, 10:53 PM

maybe he thinks it will help to ttc again already. I dont think they completely understand what we go through when we miscarry. My dh was real upset at first but after a few weeks life goes on and it just takes us longer to move on cause our bodies and everything are what went through it

shanna

aprilwashere256 · 01-16-2009, 02:48 AM

I don't think they quite understand either. I know that my DH has felt helpless because this wasn't something he could "fix". He won't talk about it either, he just wants to keep busy.. and I'm a talker I need to talk everything out. Its been hard when I only have people online to talk to.

PCOSDC · 01-16-2009, 11:33 AM

My DH was like that with our first loss. With each loss we have he gets better at dealing with it. With our latest loss we were in the 2nd trimester and he had really formed a bond with our child and so this time he is much better at acknowledging what happened.

carolinagirl913 · 01-17-2009, 04:37 PM

As hard as it is, we have to remember that it is not as real to them as it is to us. They deal with things so differently. Me, I want to talk and talk and talk. My DH deals with it by being active, exercising, cleaning, etc. They do deal with it; it's just different. Try to recognize that while it may seem as if he is not grieving, I bet he is. He probably thinks that if you get pg again quickly, then he can "fix" you. Lean on his strength during this time. I had a full term loss, and my DH was much better sooner than I was, and instead of being frustrated with him, I was thankful that at least one of us was strong. I really leaned on him. We were both patient with our different needs, and we are so much stronger as a couple now. We attended counseling together and that was REALLY helpful.

LOTS of HUGs!

MicheleT422 · 01-19-2009, 05:07 PM

My husband's doing the same thing, April. Drove me nuts for a bit, but I know that he has his own way of dealing with things, and I have mine. I know he's never going to experience this the same way I did, just because he's a man and that's the way he's built. But at least when I fall apart, he'll stand there and hold me and not complain about his shirt getting soaked. I really could do without his trying to lighten things all the time, but again, attempts at humor (and just really bad jokes) are how he copes with painful situations...

aprilwashere256 · 01-19-2009, 07:14 PM

I'm so glad you all responded to this. It has helped me to just be patient with him.
He's slowly opening up a bit more. I still have to keep the ultrasound out of sight, he still can't look at it. He will talk about it for about a minute then he will change the subject. I don't push even though I want to drag it all out of him.

I feel sorry for him though, his job keeps him around the public and he sees babies throughout the day. It was horrible for him at first, he had to go to work the day after the m/c and he came home from work and just shut down. He's doing better with it. He tries to steer me away from anything that he thinks will upset me though. He's been very overprotective.

This experience has brought us closer together. I've read where a lot of people say that. This changed us both and it seems to be for the better. I feel that the changes as a gift from our baby.

SandV · 01-19-2009, 07:28 PM

My DH still doesn't like to speak of it after all this time. He had a very hard time discussing it and cried when they did the fourth u/s before I had surgery. Of course, I had an ectopic pg where the fetus was healthy, within normal size range and heartbeat at 8 wks. I was the one that was in trouble with the internal bleeding from a ruptured tube.

shannashimmers · 01-20-2009, 03:03 AM

I was bad about the ultrasound. I had it on the refrigerator and right when I got home after I found out there was no more baby I put in in a drawer where it still is. I couldnt deal with seeing it myself

PCOSDC · 01-20-2009, 11:04 AM

April: Our losses have definitely brought DH and I even closer together. We are very close to begin with because we have been together since we were teenagers but this has given us another bond. I think DH finds it easier to talk about his feelings now and he's not afraid to break down and cry. He has been absolutely amazing with this loss.

hug_amber · 01-20-2009, 11:14 AM

The night we found out we were miscarrying, my husband and I came home from the hospital and both just bawled together. I think it was hardest for him because he couldn't stop it. He couldn't stop the pain and he couldn't take the pain away from me. He was sort of quiet the few days following and I finally asked him about it and he said it was because he felt bad that I had to continue feeling all the physical and emotional pain and he didn't know how to help me. Gosh, I love him. We have done a TON of praying together (more than our normal nightly devotion) and that has really helped.

annem84 · 01-21-2009, 02:04 PM

Maya and Aric were the two that he really showed emotion to -- but both of those were in the 2nd trimester so had 'bonded' more with those two then with the other two. He didn't really show any emotion. He was sad but dealt with it by not talking about; however, I'm a talker and need to talk my emotions out (that is why I'm in therapy) Men have a different way of doing a lot of things and this is just one of them.

yania · 01-23-2009, 09:07 PM

My husband doesn't really talk about the girls. He is afraid I will start to cry, which most of the time I do. When people ask what happened, I can't tell them because I'll start to cry. My DH deals with it I would think like most men deal with grief, he holds it into himself.

As for trying again, my husband says it is up to me when all of that comes around. He is in it for the long run, and he agreed to it when we got married. :p He is more concerned on my frame of mind and when I'm ready and what not.

Purple_monkfish · 01-25-2009, 12:16 PM

My partner doesn't seem to react in any real way. He gets upset because i'm upset but that's about it. In a way, it makes me more angry with him. I suppose it's not as real for him. He hasn't had all the pregnancy symptoms, hasn't dealt with the physcial pain of miscarrying... I can't stop crying and he's sat here watching the freaking history channel. I want to SLAP him.

He never mentions it, least not to me. Last time I brought up our previos m/c his comment was "I didn't realise you hadn't got over it yet"
Riiight.. yeah.. because i'll just get over it. Yes, of course. NO! I'm going to greive for a very very long time. They may have both been early losses but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.