SIL due soon, me just 1 month post m/c -- help

Tia38 · 01-19-2006, 08:56 PM

Looking for some help ladies.

My SIL is due at the end of the month, but could go earlier and/or may need c-section (baby is not turned the right way). It'll be the first grandchild for my in-laws. I'm excited for her, but....

I'm a little over a month past my m/c (my first pg and first m/c). I didn't go see SIL at the end of Dec (I had just stopped bleeding) -- I couldn't bare the thought of seeing a happy+healthy pg person. Also feared pressure from in-laws during the 10-hour roundtrip car drive. I begged off due to work. I just told DH I couldn't do it. I put myself first, which at the time was definitely necessary.

I'm not sure I can beg off going to see SIL and new baby when s/he arrives in the near future. How do I hold it together? The thought of it makes me tear. Having to smile and oooh and ahhh will be horrible. Looking will be bad enough, but I fear having to hold the baby, and the inevitable "you'll be next" or "do you want kids" and other well-intentioned but oh-so-painful comments and questions.

In-laws (DH's parents and sister) do not know about our pg/m-c. I'm 38+, so we may not end up with biological kids, or kids at all. (That's a story for another thread.)

What mantras can I chant to myself to endure the visit? How do I put on my plastic happy face? What do I do when I feel the tears burning to get out? Or when they actually start flowing full force? How do I avoid having to hold the baby? What do I say to nosey comments/questions?

About the only good thing is that the drive will be just me and DH, so at least my exposure to his parents will be minimzed.

I am actually happy and excited for SIL. It just not something I think I can handle in person right now.

Any help, hints, suggestions appreciated.

-Tia

SheriKCMO · 01-19-2006, 09:13 PM

have a long conversation about these feelings with your husband. how does he feel about all of this? is it a good compromise to wait and visit when the baby is six weeks old so that the mom is recovering and the baby is strong? you could call and send a card and gift now and express your plans for a visit after the whirlwind of visitors slows down. in my opinion, if you decide on something between you and dh, it would be helpful to confide in sil that you have had a loss and want to keep it quiet but don't want your attitude to appear strange. can she be trusted?

kwannabee · 01-19-2006, 09:33 PM

First of all i'm so sorry...and i can totally relate to your dilemma i've been there

When i was pregnant with my twin girls my sil was pregnant too, with her twins. To make a long story short i lost my girls and she had her babies about 3months after...the thought of having to see them that summer ripped my heart out and Sheri and many other cysters were here for me when i went through that, so i have to say first...whatever and whenever you need to get out tjose thoughts and emotions do it here...everything...no guilt required.

2nd of all, do you feel comfortable confiding in your mil?? Mine was wonderful but not gushy, thats what i needed. She instinctively knew to plan a family reunion at a park so i wouldnt be bombarded with baby stuff, and my sil and i had a good cry together at a picnic table and when her babies were around i didnt feel like i had to be strong...it gave me permission to be sad without the pressure of holding it together...cuz i couldnt. I could look in small doses, but i had an escape...i could walk around and ignore the baby talk if i wanted to. If there were a few tears, i was okay with that...i was entitled and so are you.

If you can meet her and baby somewhere neutral, like a cafe or something...i can tell you the smell of baby powder and paraphanalia (sp?) might be too much, especially this soon...but sometimes you are alot stronger then you give yourself credit for and the anticipation of the moment is worse then the actual thing...kwim??? Please feel free to pm me anytime...i look back now and am so greatful for the consideration i got from my inlaws and if even they did get on my nerves a bit i had to make a conscious choice sometimes to let it go...but that was just me. Good luck and i wish you well...

Tia38 · 01-20-2006, 08:11 PM

Sheri -- nice idea, but won't work. maybe sil can be trusted, but her husband cannot (very loose lips and poor-timing and lack of judgement to name a few). we wouldn't want sil to have to keep a secret from her hubby, so she's off limits. dh isn't keen on telling anyone on his side at all.

kim -- mil is off limits. i suspect she'd be a "what are you whining about" sort of person (as in suck it up and move on, or worse "you waited so long what do you expect"). and as above, dh doesn't want to tell anyone on his side.

Thank you both for the thoughts, and Kim for sharing your story. It helps just to vent and to know I'm not alone.

The exciting news? It's a girl! Emergency c-section late last night. Mom and daughter are both doing fine. Won't be home from hospital until Sun night or Mon at the earliest.

DH has decided we should hold off visiting until next weekend, thinking the flurry will be over by then. He's oblivious (even though I've mentioned it) that this is going to be hard for me.

I'm trying to figure out some way to limit my time at the house, especially since DH thinks we should camp out there Fri, Sat and Sun. We'll be driving from Boston to NY just for the occaision, so it's hard to have "other obligations". Ugh.

I guess I have a week to get strong, and to think up some good ideas.

Someone else noted that if I had a cold I shouldn't hold the baby. I feel the cold coming on now. Might also be a good cover for runny nose and tearing eyes.

Did I mention injury to insult? They took "my" girl name. They did it unknowingly, but it hurts all the same. I've been "scooped" before (and probably will be again). It just all sucks.

Brighter note. It's Friday, and the weather is unseasonably warm. I'm going to take a walk and get some air.

Thanks again. Any other advice or stories welcome.

-Tia

Mustard Seed · 01-20-2006, 08:19 PM

Tia - I'm going to be praying that the visit next weekend isn't that long, or too hard for you. My dh's cousin just had her 4th little boy yesterday, and I am so thankful that they are in NY and we're in TX, since I won't have to see him until next Christmas. I'm happy for them, but sad for me. I find that's something I struggle with a lot, and I know you probably feel that way too. It's hard to celebrate for others when a part of your heart is wanting to grieve every moment of the day. I hate being "scooped" on names that are already picked out too. It's happened to me already, and I'm sure it'll happen again. I hope you enjoy the nice weather today, as much as you can. (((hugs)))

Tia38 · 01-23-2006, 05:06 PM

Alenna -- thanks for your thoughts. I'm not looking forward to next weekend's trip, but I'll get through it. I hope not to loose it publically. If I can keep my composure I'll consider it a win.

I did enjoy the nice weather while we had it. Good thing too. Winter has returned with a vengeance to Boston.

I guess many things can change in a day!?! :-)

-Tia

Tia38 · 01-30-2006, 09:19 PM

Just a quick note to say, I survived -- very glad it's over.

Weekend was much better than I had hoped. Two tough things: (1) BIL (who is not my favorite anyway) marching me through the baby stash of things telling me what I will and won't need when it's my turn [my face got sore from the plastered smile, but mostly I just nodded and tried to ignore him] -- he had lots of "helpful" (read "hurtful") comments throughout the visit. Very glad he's not a blood-relative to DH! :-)

(2) Seeing DH hold his sister's baby was really tough. She (the baby) is so tiny; DH is so big (in that man kind of way). I hadn't even thought about the effect it would have on me. I'm tearing up a bit now just thinking about it. He'll be a wonderful dad.... just hoping we can get there!

No public tears on my part, and only a little in private. I held the baby with only a bit of sadness, and even hearing SIL's stories wasn't too bad -- especially one on one.

Having said that, I'm hoping we don't make too many trips down to see them until our own situation is more what we want it to be. BIL is clueless and annoying. Some relatives also not great.

Thank you all for the good wishes and support.

Tia

SheriKCMO · 01-31-2006, 03:00 AM

i'm glad you made it through. (((hugs)))

enits · 01-31-2006, 03:38 AM

I'm so glad the visit is finally over and that you survived. You're so strong. Two of my friends recently gave birth and I still haven't seen them. I've only talked to them and sent them emails. I'm not strong enough. I managed to see them when they were almost at the end of their pregnancies but I always ended up crying after I'd get home. One of them complained too much about her pregnancy. I couldn't help but say to her, "You know, as much as you are in pain right now, I just want to tell you that I'd rather be in your situation than to have lost 2 babies this year." She got the hint and apologized.

(((hugs))) I hope future visits with her will be easier (and fewer). Your BIL sounds like a big dork with little to no compassion.