Thread: silent suffering

Hi ladies,
I just feel like I need a safe place to vent. Tonight dh and I were driving home and he asked me why I don't feel any emotion. He just doesn't get it. It's not that I feel nothing, it's that I feel the same thing constantly, sorrow. I'm a birth professional, and don't get me wrong I really love what I do, but some days it's so difficult to sit and talk with pregnant women or feel the little babies growing inside them or help welcome those babies into the world that just breaks my heart. Sometimes I feel like God is playing some cruel joke on me, to call me to do this work and then to grant me no children. My coworkers and clients ask all the time when I'm going to have a baby and I just can't get into the whole situation with them, I always say "Whenever God blesses us with children we will take them". Dh doesn't understand the physical reasons why it isn't working and just acts like if he says he wants a baby I can just go "poof" and a pregnancy will happen. I just feel like life is crumbling beneath my feet. A few months ago dh moved out and moved in with another woman, spent our first wedding anniversary with her, and I was dumb enough to still support him through all of this (financially, he was driving my car, using my cell phone, etc) because I wanted to believe that he was only friends with this woman. Well, he came back home shortly before xmas (convient for him, sine he knows holidays are a huge deal in my family) and honestly I think things are worse now. While dh was gone I spent more time just hangin with the girls and actually had fun a few times, I felt connected to people again. As soon as he came back hes back to controlling my life and I'm back to feeling isolated. Dh goes back and forth between being the sweetest man I've ever met and being a man that puts me in fear for my life. I don't know what to do sometimes. I just wait it out and keep it inside and weep deep within my soul.

Crystal

(((HUGS))) Please take this with a grain of salt since I don't know the whole story w/ you and your dh. But it sounds like you might need to reevaluate your relationship with him. If you were truly happy with him gone - even when he was with another woman, it may be that neither of you are ready for this relationship.

I hope you are feeling better soon. I know it's always hard to evaluate a relationship and to look honestly at anything that may be wrong - but I think it could help. And if you want to salvage your relationship with your dh counseling would be a good place to start.