Sincere question...

Winc564 · 07-02-2005, 01:56 PM

My friend found out on a Friday afternoon that her insurance would no longer cover infertility and would be checking up on her claims from now on. She and hubby decided that they were adopting from China, which agency and started paperwork....in less than 24 hours. She went from hysterical mess to everything is perfect.

I have supported this whole-heartedly, but everytime we talk (and she is now in the final stages, waiting for the good news and her trip) she brings up how the baby will look different from her and her DH and that the baby will grow up being devastated about it. My opinion is that looking different should be a wonderful thing and I don't know why it should be a burden for everyone. I made the mistake of asking her why we have to discuss this everyday, her child is coming from China, I don't think anyone will be to amazed that it will look like a Chinese baby. Now, she no longer talks to me.

My dh and I have also been considering adoption. It is an ongoing discussion about if we are ready, international or domestic, financial considerations, etc. My friend has informed me that if I were committed, I would take out a second mortgage. (That is a big deal for us, I'm just being realistic.) She has also informed me, that if I am to be a good adoptive mother then I need to "give up the dream" of ever having a biological child. In fact, she now uses bcp because she is adopting. (My opinion being if we adopt and then conceive sometime in the future, we will be among the highly blessed.) My friend has informed me that I have a problem with spending my life with a child. I truly don't, I just think that she made some really huge decisions in a big hurry. I worry that she acted out of desperation.

I also think infertility scars us forever. The pain may become less over time, but I am under no disillusion that adopting will fix everything in my life. I think that if I never conceive, a small part of me will always wonder what carrying a baby feels like. She has informed me to add this to the list of reasons why I am unfit to adopt.

My dh tells me that she is just a bad friend. Am I wrong? Truly, I want to know if I am unfit to adopt...

Thanks,
Elisabeth

CysterNola · 07-02-2005, 03:36 PM

Elisabeth: Hun you are not unfit for adoption, I too struggle with these same emotions.

As for your friend, it's okay to not be "commited" to adoption, I too havent given up on our dream of having a biological child. I understand her struggle of the child not looking like them, but if she was so "commited" as she put it, than that should be the least of her worries.

And in regards of mortgaging your house, if you and dh don't feel comfortable, then it's prolly not a good idea. You don't want to be in debt up to your eyeballs and raising a child too. You and dh would be stressed and in turn would make the baby stressed and financial matters can really put a toll on your marriage - you don't want that and that is good. You're thinking logically.

It must be nice to be financially secure to make these decisions without a second thought...

Winc564 · 07-02-2005, 04:46 PM

CysterNola,
Thank you for the replay and btw, you pic is beautiful!

I'm glad you don't think I'm a nut. I just thought over and over about all the nasty things she said to me, until I couldn't decide which one of us was crazy. I just have a sad feeling that everything isn't as wonderful as she would like me to believe.

The financial decisions are huge, I would hate to finally have a child, but have to work two jobs and never see it!

I guess I just needed to hear that struggling with these decisions is normal and won't make me a bad mom.

Elisabeth

CysterNola · 07-02-2005, 05:54 PM

Aww Winc thanks hun (blush) and your welcome.

Like I said I struggle with these very same issues. I go back and forth on adoption: do I just throw in the towel

and move forward to adoption? If we can finance the adoption, then we should just forget it and do IVF, if we finance then we have that bill hanging over our heads plus a baby or no baby and a huge bill, maybe we should just try for a child naturally, maybe we should just go for the adoption, screw the cost at least we would be guaranteed a child, but I want a biological child, etc. Weew! did I miss anything LOL!

I know hun, I am right with you. Sadley, no matter what road we choose, we incure huge costs which isn't fair. I mean it's bad enough that we have to deal with this infertility, but then the cost too. Do you sometimes feel that no matter what road you take you hit a brick wall? Yeah...I do!

I guess this is when our faith in God needs to play a big role. We need to allow him to choose the path for us.

Sounds to me like your friend really hasn't given herself much time to think about the different routes of infertility. Good for her for adopting, I'm not saying it's bad at all, but has she explored any other options? Sounds to me like she's trying to "one-up" you...ya know, trying to keep up with the Jones's.

strawberree · 07-03-2005, 05:57 PM

well i think you dont have the greatest friend.. though i understand her feeling that things are a mess.. then you start the adoption process and things seem great.. its because it is such a HUGE load off your shoulders.. i felt guilt because i couldnt get pregnant.. i was on clomid and i felt terrible..so when we decided to stop the meds and adopt i was so happy and no stess..until i started thinking about $$... i understand how you feel there too... we didnt take out another mortage.. the agencies want $ at different stages.. alot..few months later..alittle.. then none.. the ALOT at the end... we plan on using our tax returns for the trip and orphange fee.. i wish you luck its stressful no matter what choice you make and when you make it.

CysterNola · 07-04-2005, 01:48 PM

Oh Strawberre..I'm so excited that you and your dh decided to adopt. How long until your trip to China to get your little girl?

BTW, I love the name Lea!

Good Luck & God Bless!

strawberree · 07-05-2005, 11:18 AM

thanks.. im not sure when we will go..almost done with the paper chase

btw.. we picked the name very quickly (paige was close) then we talked about the spelling (leah,lea or leigha) we chose to keep it short and sweet

CysterNola · 07-05-2005, 06:23 PM

That is so exciting...and a girl! OMG...I just love when their hair is in pig tails...those little black sprouts on top of their head!!!

Did you get a pic of her yet?

London · 07-12-2005, 11:05 PM

Nola -- I see you're in Palm Harbor... DH and I moved from Tampa a few years ago to Nashville. I actually graduated from USF and DH from UT. Small world!

We just returned from visiting his parents in Riverview and mine in Melbourne on Sunday.

Elisabeth -- As for your friend... It concerns me that she seems to be throwing stones and not truly respecting your feelings. Like you, the financial side of adoption is a HUGE concern. We've completed our homestudy and are waiting on approval from immigration. Friends that have adopted have said somehow, it all works out. We're about to buy our first home and I can't imagine taking a second mortgage, so I see your fears. There are so many creative ways to "find" the money. In terms of what you said about adopting then getting pregnant -- yes, what a blessing! DH and I have not given up that I won't get pregnant but our thoughts were, why spend another year and a half of TTC when we could pursue adoption and keep pursuing TTC. (Once we get our referral we'll stop actively TTC otherwise the Guatemalan government would not let us adopt, nor could I travel depending on how far along I was). From the beginning we didn't have a peace about IVF or IUIs; Clomid did a number on me so I'm scared of doing anything more (e.g., injectables). All that to say, I agree 100% with you, that a piece of me will always "wonder" what it would be like to have a biological child. I just said to DH tonight, I feel like some people expect me to be fine with seeing pregnant women or tiny babies because we've gone the adoption route. Let me tell you, it still hurts. As you said, or Nola said, infertility is always a part of you -- it's such a huge thing we go through. For me, it's been like the grief process...and like when you lose a loved one, it's always with you...you heal to a degree, but that kind of pain is hard to ever truly get over. Infertility is SO complex and it's been more than I ever expected. In a way, I think your friend is fooling herself and perhaps her attitude towards you is a sort of defense mechanism? I can't imagine ever condemning a friend like yours has seemed to condemn you. I'm sure you will be a wonderful Mommy one day, one way or another. Hang in there and I hope everything works out!

Bertiebugg · 07-12-2005, 11:48 PM

Dh and myself have just decided this last weekend that we are ready to adopt. I'm excited. Ive been ready and can love any child, but I was unsure about him. Until this last weekend, he knew at that very second that he was ready to adopt.

I will always want a biological child. I want to know what it feels like to carry a baby and labor, and then have a beautiful newborn in my arms. We will never stop ttc our own child. I have tons and tons of concerns. Will I love my adopted child as much as if he/she was my biological child? If I get pg will I still love my adopted child as much as my biological child? Will at any point will I regret adoption? And many many more questions... and I have decided on many occasions that none of that matters... that I can love any child as if they were my own, even if I didnt have 72hrs of labor. I know this because I love children, and I want children, and that honestly even if I'm not their biological mother.... I'm still going to be their mommy... the one who raises them, the one who takes care of them every step of the way. So I have thrown my concerns out the window.

I will not thrown myself into debt even more than I already am to adopt a child or go through fertility treatments. I cant do it to myself or my future.

I think your friend is wrong in how she is acting and what she is saying.

I will say one thing. I am a lot less stressed since Saturday when my dh told me that he is ready to adopt then I have been the whole time we've been ttc. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I know I will have a baby someday in my arms, and a whole lot sooner than if I keep putting myself through clomid cycle after clomid cycle!

London · 07-13-2005, 12:00 AM

Roberta -- I was the same way once we decided to go the adoption route. Again, it still hurts to learn of someone who is pregnant and did not have any issues like all of us do. But the emotional turmoil I went through while actively TTC is gone. Sure, I get sad, but it's not that deep despair. I felt like a weight was lifted off of me when we started the adoption process. There are a number of reasons we didn't want to do IVF but the major one was, adoption is more of a guarantee, for a lack of a better way of explaining it. We didn't try nearly as long as many couples do but at the end of the day, we simply want to be parents...and that can happen via adoption. I'm 28, DH is 36 and we realized we're not getting any younger and we are READY to be parents!!! Plus, the nature of PCOS is so flipping complex that I was beginning to lose my mind

Sure, it pains me to know that we'll miss the first 6-9 months of our baby's life and that I will never know him/her as a tiny newborn. But then my heart fills with joy knowing a lifetime awaits DH and I with our precious child

I think once the child is in my arms, all of the fears and concerns will seem small, in a way, and it will be as if I've been with my child all along. The adoption route is so exciting the further we get into it. DH and I say our "delivery room" will be an airplane

Congrats on your decision, if I can help in answering questions, feel free to send me an email or private message!

LunaAlo · 07-15-2005, 12:00 PM

Elizabeth.
coming from an adopted child, pls don't ever give up the hope/dream of having a biological child. If my mom had given up, i would not have my brother.
also: note on the different ethnic child issue~ my sister (also adopted) looks (but is not) like a mixed child (malado sp?)...she had a rough time growing up and dealing with all of the racial crap, and her own questions as we grew up in a very white area...so just a note to be aware that it is tough to grow up not looking like your parents.

carlos'mami · 07-15-2005, 02:12 PM

Here's my take on everything, but first, my background...

I had always thought that after we had several kids we would adopt one, and was always open to adoption... just never prepared for infertility. I was pretty shocked to discover that I was infertile. We sought treatment after only a few months... and after four years, we decided after a cancelled IUI cycle, that we would adopt. We had discussed adoption for years but the actual decision came the day of our cancelled IUI... we'd just had enough. I felt so liberated, so relieved. I prepared for this baby and our home was so joyful. We started out with our homestudy with the intention of adopting domestically, but as things progressed little signs told us that we needed to look at international. We changed our mind several times and after almost a year, we got our son's referral from Guatemala. During this time I was so focused on adoption that I convinced myself that I never wanted to be pregnant, I wanted all our children to be adopted. As the adoption proceeded... and stalled... I began to realize how difficult this was going to be, and how much easier pregnancy would have been. We did mortgage our home to pay for the adoption, and emotionally we were just taxed. We had a lot of problems and for most of the process we went purely on faith, we did not know if it would ever go through. To make a very long story shorter, we finally completed the process ourselves in Guatemala 20 months after accepting the referral of our son. He came home at 27 months old.

Our son is absolutely wonderful, but nothing prepared me for the emotions I would face during the adoption or missing out on the first 2+ years of his life, and what that would mean to his attachment. Adoption is wonderful but I knew that I could not go through it again anytime soon. I also knew we couldn't afford it anytime soon either. My friend got pregnant on IVF after adopting her daughter and when I visited her in the hospital, I realized how much I really did want to experience pregnancy and infancy. Biology never has mattered to me much, but I just didn't want to miss out on my child's life. We started treatment again and I am now pregnant. It's awesome and I find myself wondering so much about what my son was like in the womb and as an infant... I will never know.

One is not superior to the other. We will adopt again someday, but I think your friend may be kidding herself a little bit, because I did it too... but if you told her so, she'd think you were the ignorant one... I would have thought that, because I had so convinced myself that adoption was superior, when in fact there are pros and cons to each. I think you need to be aware of the cons of whichever road you choose, mourn them and move on, but don't pretend they don't exist.

I could not love my son more, but I wish I could tell him what he was like as a baby, and we sure had more bumps along the way than most people. That said I'm thankful for the bumps, because I don't take him, or the baby on the way for granted. I know they are both miracles.

Chelsea

Lisa2008 · 07-15-2005, 03:17 PM

just wanted to say that i am happy to see such honest dialoge going on about adoption. any way you do it, becoming a parent is not an easy thing to so, not in any scence of the word. imo that friend is setting herself up for some major letdowns, and depression. its the attitude of thinking she knows how to be the perfect adoptive mother that will do it, cause once the baby is home she will have to come to terms with the fact that she cant be a perfect mother, adoptive or not. that can be a hard blow for some, it sure was for me.
i have mentioned this before, but i think it is worth mentioning again. Alot of people think ppd doesnt effect adoptive parents, but it is estimated that over 80% of adoptive parents become clinically depressed after the child comes home. i didnt believe it when i was doing my homestudy and the social worker told me, but it happened to me.
wishing everyone luck with the stage they are currntly in.

~Traci~ · 07-15-2005, 04:06 PM

I really thought I had replied to this post...it was either eaten or I did it in my sleep!

We had always talked about adopting but it was always going to be after we had biological children. I've had 4 m/c's and after the last time I knew I couldn't do it again. We brought up the subject of adoption again. At that point, I knew my body couldn't handle another m/c either mentally or physically. We had 1 more test to do but had decided either way that we were adopting. It seemed like we made the decision fast but in reality, we've been talking about it for 4 years. I too went from a mess to completely happy that something was actually happening and we wouldn't have the heartbreak like we've had. Our feelings have always been that we're ready to have a family no matter how it's created. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I didn’t have to worry about getting pg anymore and I didn’t have to worry that when I did get pg that I would ultimately m/c’y. So I definitely do go from total dread to total joy b/c of that.

I think it is wrong to feel that the baby will be devastated that she will not look like them. I really think she needs some support from other parents of Chinese children to see how they are.

And your friend is wrong that if you were committed you'd take out a second mortgage. Believe me, every person’s finances are different and some ppl can't take out second mortgages on a whim! We would not be adopting right now if we hadn't been saving every cent for the past several years. It’s true that the fees come in “installments” but if you don’t have any $$ and anyone to borrow the $$ from it’s usually kinda hard to find the $$ when the time comes. The largest chunk for us will be traveling to/in China (it will be even more for us b/c my MIL is coming w/ us and we’re paying for her). We don't have family that we can borrow from b/c they hardly have $$ for themselves and there was no way we could take out another loan. Just b/c you're discussing finances, where you want to adopt from, if you're ready, etc. doesn't mean you won't be a good adoptive mother. These are things that are discussed before marriage or TTC so does that mean that these couples that do that don't have a good marriage or are not good parents? No, you're discussing things for the future which makes sense.

Neither adoption nor biology is superior to the other. They both bring children in to our lives which should be a joyful & exciting time.

Is it possible that your friend and her DH had decided long ago that if something happened they would start the adoption process? I know that my dr. was taken aback when after my surgery he told me we would have to wait 6 months to start treatment again and I blurted out "We're adopting from China". I figured since he was usually right to the point w/ us, that I'd just be right to the point w/ him!

No matter what, your friend is wrong to treat you like that and tell you that your feelings are wrong!

Adoption is not an easy decision no matter what. You have to come to terms that the baby will not look like you as well as prepare your entire family & friends for your child to not look like you or anyone that looks like you. We’re still educating our family/friend on terminology (heck, I’m still educating my DH sometimes on terminology!) and that just b/c our daughter is going to be adopted doesn’t mean that she is to be treated any differently than any other family member b/c she will be part of our family.

Please let me know if you ever want to talk or have any questions!
Traci