Single parent adoption anyone?

toomuchcoffeelady · 06-24-2008, 11:33 AM

It's looking more and more like my H and I are going to be divorcing due in part to my PCOS/fertility issues. Which, if that's the case, screw him, but I think that if/when that happens, I'm just going to make a go of adopting myself. Partly because, I'm not going to date when my hair and skin look AWFUL; also because the truth is I want to be a mom more than a wife.

Has anyone else adopted as a single parent? Do you think that not living close to immediate family and being divorced would kill my chances?

TIA!

Miss-Meme · 06-27-2008, 11:27 PM

I don't think it will hurt your chances. There are a lot of children out there who need families. As long as you are able to care for a child I'm sure you will be find.

Something to think about is, if your health is bad, even just your hair and skin, maybe, if not for you but for your future child, maybe do what you can now before you adopt to get healthy.

Mim · 06-28-2008, 11:10 AM

I've looked into this before (since someday I want to have a child in my life, but I seriously don't ever see myself in a relationship), and from what I've read they will be very concerned about your support network. Without a spouse in the picture, what will happen if your child gets sick on short notice and you have to work- will you stay home? Do you have a family member who can take care of him or her? What happens if you need someone to talk to when parenting is gets too challenging?

If you do have family and friends nearby, and they don't mind being involved in the process if that's what it takes, I don't see that you'd have any problems. Single parent adoption isn't as uncommon as you'd think.

mereseeley · 07-01-2008, 04:45 AM

I have been in a similar situation with being divorced, single, family 6 hours away, etc. However, I brought my Son home five months ago!!! It can happen.....

If this is what you want, you can do it. My best advice is to do your research and take your time. Research the countries, including US policies, research the agencies, lawyers, and any questions that you have, reach out to others that have gone through it, especially as single parents.

I am more than willing to answer any questions that you have. Good luck and take your time. There is always a waiting child out there for you, but there are many people that take advantage of those that want a child. Becareful and dream away!

toomuchcoffeelady · 07-01-2008, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mereseeley

I have been in a similar situation with being divorced, single, family 6 hours away, etc. However, I brought my Son home five months ago!!! It can happen.....

If this is what you want, you can do it. My best advice is to do your research and take your time. Research the countries, including US policies, research the agencies, lawyers, and any questions that you have, reach out to others that have gone through it, especially as single parents.

I am more than willing to answer any questions that you have. Good luck and take your time. There is always a waiting child out there for you, but there are many people that take advantage of those that want a child. Becareful and dream away!

Thanks for responding!

Can I ask, how much did they delve into your divorce and geographic distance from your family in your Homestudy? My concern is the social worker would be all hung up on, "Where would you keep him/her if you want to go on a date?" (with friends of course). Was it difficult to find an agency that would let you have a baby as a single? Is it OK that I don't make 6 figures on my own (close but not quite; I live in a high COL area, and really don't have the option to move unless i want to change careers and be even further from my fam). Do they care if you don't have a graduate degree? Do they care if you rent not own? How long do you have to be divorced before they let you adopt? Do you feel like it took you longer as a single?

Also, was your boyfriend in the picture before or after you started the adoption?

Like I PM'med you; my H's sudden moral/ethical/theological hangups about fertility treatments and adoption (we agreed on both before getting married) are the reason I think divorce is impending. I'm just not going to stay married to someone who refuses to have and adopt children with me.

Miss-Meme · 07-03-2008, 12:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toomuchcoffeelady

Is it OK that I don't make 6 figures on my own (close but not quite;

I just wanted to say that you don't have to make 6 figures to adopt!! We don't I don't think I know anyone in my area (other then the rich people) who make that much, even with two parents working.

MWpuravida · 07-10-2008, 08:02 PM

Have you considered fostering in your area? I know in GA single women have no problem fostering, and fostering to adopt. Just a thought, good luck to you no matter what works out!!!!!

goldenlyfe · 07-10-2008, 10:44 PM

I say their is no harm in thinking about and looking it over.... I too will be doing the single parent thing more than likely.... I haven't started ttc I have gone back to school at the ripe ol' age of 29 so I am waiting until I graduate and get a job making more money than uhhhh... NONE LOL.... well again I say go for it!! Just research, build your support base and work on your health (hey that doesn't ever hurt) ....

Blessings your way!!!!

toomuchcoffeelady · 07-11-2008, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MWpuravida

Have you considered fostering in your area? I know in GA single women have no problem fostering, and fostering to adopt. Just a thought, good luck to you no matter what works out!!!!!

Please don't take this as me shooting you down, because I really do appreciate anyone who responds to my posts, but foster parenting is NOT for me. Ironic you suggest that; part of what has strained my marriage almost to the point of no return (so far at least, that I am facing the reality that I may HAVE to go at it on my own if I want to be a mom before age 35) is that foster parenting isn't for me.

H's response to our infertility was in part, to basically take in a "stray" neighborhood teenager (a neglected kid who H tried to make our unofficial foster child)... and our marriage went down hill from there. We're working that out in counseling, and I just hope not divorce court. I just got so resentful of being expected to have the responsibilities of taking care of someone ELSE's child without the benefits of being an actual mom - and that is how I understand foster parenting is. IDK if that makes sense, but for me one of the worst parts of infertility is having people try to take advantage of the fact that I love kids but don't have any, and that's really happened a LOT over the last year since we moved to a neighborhood where we're the only kidless ones.

toomuchcoffeelady · 07-11-2008, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss-Meme

I just wanted to say that you don't have to make 6 figures to adopt!! We don't I don't think I know anyone in my area (other then the rich people) who make that much, even with two parents working.

LOL, thanks, but I live in Washington, DC, not Indiana! Here, if you're making less than 50K (as a single person even), you're struggling. Hence, the 6 figure salary question.

MWpuravida · 07-12-2008, 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toomuchcoffeelady

Please don't take this as me shooting you down, because I really do appreciate anyone who responds to my posts, but foster parenting is NOT for me.

Despite what some believe, I don't offend easily.

Foster parenting, IMO is a totally personal decision, and you have to have a heart for it.
I truly can't understand your H's perspective right now... from the few things you mentioned. It sounds like he needs a safer outlet. Like MUCH safer. I hope something will work out for you, and you guys can work through this.

I know some people who have made it through some really bad situations, and with awful odds!
Adoption is an amazing thing too... so when you are ready, much luck to you!!! I will have an orphanage in Uruguay in about 5 years... I hope I can find people to adopt those children, that have the heart it sounds that you do.
You will be in my prayers! Keep us updated.

Sorry this was such a scattered response. Obviously, I need to go to bed!

mereseeley · 07-12-2008, 03:07 AM

Hello, I am sorry that I have not been around, I was out of town. I will try to answer all the questions, if I miss anything let me know. I am an open book kind of person, so feel free to ask away.

When I started the process to adopt, I had been divorced for six years and was 28 yrs old. The social worker (SW) did delve into the reasons for the divorce, which was mainly due to my ex’s 3 girlfriends and me having PCOS. And much more but you can guess from there. Also it helped that I was married a few months shy of two years total and was younger when I made that mistake. Since yours would be sooner, I would make sure to ask that upfront to the agency.

For the family, the SW will ask about your support, as a single female, if you adopt a male child, you may have to provide a statement saying that he will have x-many male role models in his life and have those people say that they are willing to be a part of the child’s life, etc. This truly depends on the country, state, and agency requirements, which vary a lot. The distance wasn’t as big of an issue as was if they supported me in my decision to adopt.

The dating issue was kind of big for me. Because my BF and I had broken up when I started the process, but a few of my friends slipped and called him my BF during interviews, so my SW thought I was lying to her about us. Obviously it worked out, but was a bit of a mess. Granted we are now back together and am on try number 3, I still do not know if we will make it for the long run. But that’s another story. Once the home study was done, the dating question never came back up.

Overall the SW knows that you will date, have a social life, etc. They are more concerned with your support. I have a solid group of friends in the area that I had planned to rely on. Honestly in reality, many of them have disappointed me since my son has been home. But you do learn who your true friends are.

I will not lie and say it is easy. But if you want it, you can do it. Being a parent is hard, going it alone is harder, but many people do it. Just be able to ask for help when you need it. There are times, where I count the minutes until my parents come for the weekend, or I go home, just for a few minutes break. Not that I do not love my son, but every parent needs a break.

As for the salary, I too live in the MD/DC/VA area and understand the money issue. I was still in the Navy when I started my process, however, I had a plan to get out around the time my child came home. I am now working a FT and a PT job to make ends meet, due to many family things that have come up over the past year unrelated to my son. However, I do the best I can for him, and he will not remember me working overnight on the weekends, when he is older, because he is asleep while I work the 2nd job. However, getting the 2nd job was not part of the adoption plan and was not required to adopt. There are other reasons.

I did not have a hard time finding an agency that allowed single parents, what I did have a hard time with was finding an agency that was not overly pushy on the religion issue. I personally was not raised attending church and want my child to choose for himself what he wants to do. However, the agency I went with for many reasons, was a Christian agency. So the religion issue was asked and I must have passed their test. I would recommend, asking this upfront, depending on your views.

As for college, I was working on my MBA, however it was not required. It just showed that I would be able to take care of myself. I do own, however, there are many people that rent in our area, that adopt, I would not worry about it. The only major concern is when the home study is done, wherever you live; if you move while in the process, you will have to have the home study updated, which costs money and can lengthen the adoption process.

I do not believe that the adoption took longer because I was single, there were many issues going on with Guatemala at the time, when dealing with single adoptive parents, so that slowed things down for a few weeks. (long story) But overall, there was not anything that I can pinpoint directly.

If you have any other questions let me know. Good luck in deciding!!!

anang · 07-12-2008, 12:41 PM

Info on fostering that you may not have thought about. There is straight adoption as a choice. It is the type of adoption for kids who are legally free as the rights of the parents are taken away before the are placed with you. Not saying this is for you but it is another way to go.

toomuchcoffeelady · 07-13-2008, 03:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MWpuravida

I truly can't understand your H's perspective right now... from the few things you mentioned. It sounds like he needs a safer outlet. Like MUCH safer. I hope something will work out for you, and you guys can work through this.

Thanks for the kind words! Man, I hope we can work through it too.

I maybe need to clarify something - this "stray" kid my husband's taken in, isn't dangerous or anything like that - no police records, no violence; just a teenaged boy whose dual income workaholic yuppie parents leave him emotionally and logistically neglected. So it's not that I feel physically unsafe with this kid in my house, just annoyed.

But yeah, I can agree that he needs a much healthier outlet! I think part of it is him trying to "compensate" (ie, feel like a dad), and part of it is honestly, one of his weaknesses is that he factors in too much "what other people think". Taking in Klingon Boy makes him look like the "nice guy". Course, it makes me look like "the b*tch" when I want nothing to freaking do with this kid... :-P