Sister~in~law doesn't trust me with niece

RoxieInPa · 02-27-2003, 04:27 PM

My Sister~in~law doesn't trust me (Auntie) with my niece (Punki). My niece wanted to sleep over my house last Friday and being as it was my brother and his wife's anniversary I thought I was being nice. She told Punki to go ask daddy. My brother told her yes get your stuff ready. Then a half hour later (as we were getting ready to leave) She tells Punki "No you can't sleep over Auntie's house". Well that just broke my heart and Punki's too. My husband and I have been trying for 5 years to have children with no luck.

Well today she asked me what my problem was and I told her that I feel like she does not trust me with Punki. She told me that she does not trust any one with her daughter. I can understand ppl she does not know or some ppl from her family because she always said she didn't trust her mom and brother because of things that happened in the past. I have never and would never hurt her! Why does she feel that because I have no children that I am not good enough for her daughter? Regardless of what happens I will always love my Punki. Today I just feel like my heart was taken out and someone beat the h*ll out of it.

santa'sbaby · 02-27-2003, 05:20 PM

I am sure that you are hurting. I think you need to be honest with you SIL about your feelings.

It is going to be really hard for you niece to form any kind of relationship with anyone, as long as she has this overbearing attitude. I would however not take it personally...this is a hang up of her's, not you!

Perhaps building a realtionship can be done in stages, take her to the mall, movies, zoo etc. In time once your SIL sees how much your niece enjoys time with you, perhaps the tables were turned.

Good Luck, let us know how you make out!

April

Jodie1971 · 02-27-2003, 05:24 PM

Roxie~

First i want to say how sorry i am that your feelings were hurt and that your sil wasn't a little kinder in how she told you.

I do want to say that i can relate to her feelings. I'm sure it has nothing to do with you. I think it's probably just the thought of her child going without her. I have a 2.5 year old and he has not stayed with anyone other than my dh or me ever over night. He doesn't travel in anyone elses car and that's just how we are. I feel that he is the safest with us. Those that are not around children on an everyday basis might not watch him as closely as i do.

I am not sure how old your niece is but if she is under five i can somewhat understand your sil's feelings.

Try not to take it too personally. Please continue to do fun stuff with your niece and i'm sure at some point she will be staying over at Auntie Roxies house.......I would just try to be a little more understanding of her mom's feelings.

Take Care,
Jodie

CTCyster · 02-27-2003, 05:28 PM

Roxie,

Don't blame yourself!!! Obviously the trust issues surrounding her daughter are of her own making- not yours. I mean if she had the gall to react that way to you- she must really have some serious anxiety issues over seperation from her daughter.

Have you talked to your brother about your concerns? If the issue is that important to you, I'd say it's worth laying it on the line for your brother. He needs to know what his wife said to you and how that made you feel. You are close family- so I am assuming that this is something your brother will chose to address, rather than ignore. Then hopefully you can continue to spend quality time with your niece and your SIL can begin to confront some of her own issues.

Hang in there cysta

*Aimee*

RoxieInPa · 02-27-2003, 06:07 PM

Thank you for the replies. I have always done things with Punki (Thast the name I have called her since she was born

) I have watched many childern since I was 10.... My cousin , Lug Nut (as I have called her for yrs... LOL ) I was 9 when Lug Nut was born and she is now 14 and I will be 24 in about 11 days. Punki has stayed with me for hours at a time and never brought her home with any marks on her! I think I might have given her a time out one time (Only a 2 minute time out ... 2 minutes to a 4 yr old is a long time) because she bit my cat. She spends hours with "her" Uncle Norm (thats dh) She tells me I have to buy a new Uncle Norm cuz he is hers!!!

I told her when I am sick of him she can have him ... LOL Punki thinks I am the one who wouldn't let her sleep over (at least that's how I feel). She cried to me "Please Auntie PLease!!" All I could do was tell her I loved her and tell dh that I was ready to go. I could not tell you the last time I got a pic of her. I feel it is me .... other ppl in the family get's a pic of her and it is like I never get one ..... I know she got up set about 2 yrs ago when we were in the store and someone said "She is beautiful she looks just like you". My sil said thank you and the lady said.. " Oh I thought she was hers.. " and pointed to me. My brother and I kinda look alike ..( so ppl tell me) Maybe thast the problem? I don't know.....

Jodie1971 · 02-27-2003, 07:15 PM

Perhaps there is some jealousy there on the part of your SIL. It's not unheard of. I would talk to her and your brother. Just say is there something that happend that makes you think i'm not ok to watch your child or are you upset with me in some way. ( No pictures for an aunt does sound a little strange.) I would go into the conversation very calm and be kind about it. Just let them know your concerned.

JaneR · 02-27-2003, 07:29 PM

I do feel sorry for you, and, having read your last post, cannot really see what the problem is.

I have a 3.5 year old son and the only people he stays with, for any length of time, are me and my mum. Having said that, it is mostly because I do not have any other family near enough to babysit and my son has absolutely no contact whatsoever with his father or any part of his father's family. I won't allow anyone else to babysit, even for an hour, other than my mother. Not always because I don't trust them, as I have one friend who I would trust him with, but they smoke and I won't allow anyone near my son who smokes.

I would love it if my son had an "Auntie" like you but he hasn't. I agree that you should perhaps speak to your brother, after all it sounds as though you are fairly close. And I would also make sure that your neice knows it is not you who stopped her from sleeping over and that you would love to have her as soon as her mum lets her.

I would insist (without causing an argument

on knowing exactly why your SIL doesn't trust you to look after your neice overnight when she obviously has no problem in letting you take her out for several hours at a time.

Good luck.

Lendi · 02-27-2003, 10:50 PM

Roxie, I just wanted to say that I agree with everyone here. It is not you, it is your SIL's issue. It sounds as though she has a little bit of an over protective problem. I would ask her straight up if there is a problem with you or just people in general. And, do it when your brother is there. Do not say is in anger, or self-defense, just matter of factly. I think in time she will loosen up some. Punki will probably be insistant. And, if that happens again tell Punki she has to talk to her mommy because it is mommy who is saying "no" Hang in there. She is a lucky little girl to have you as an Aunt.

RoxieInPa · 02-27-2003, 11:48 PM

I want to thank you all for your replies. She has always been this way I guess. My whole thing is she trust everyone else in my family. She get's in her moods where when she is mad at me I cannot see Punki for weeks at a time. She has done the same with my mom and dad also. DH and I speak our minds. My other Brother John (Punki's God Father) is the same way. My brother Jim (Punki's dad) does know all about her and her ways. He just says "There is nothing I can do". She only has trust issues with some ppl not everyone. I guess I am just one of them. DH tell's me not to worry about her that Punki know's I love her very much. But to me that is not enough. My mom tells when someday when I have my own children I can do the same to her. That is my point I WONT do it. I know what it feel's like to have that done to me and let me tell you it sure does not feel good. I have talked to her and it does not help all she says is "It's not that I don't trust you .... I don't trust alot of ppl"....... And that means what??????? ..............

RoxieInPa · 03-02-2003, 10:41 PM

Well today I had a baby shower for my very best friend (She also has PCOS and didn't know she was pg. till she was 19 weeks! VERY happy for her

but also VERY sad for me

) Well SIL and Punki were there. SIL wouldn't talk to me at all ....... till the end when she was going home. Punki was VERY happy to see me and was by most of the day. Punki wasn't listening very well but I just couldn't bring myself to tell her to sit or anything. Does anyone know what I can do .... or say to her? Brother just says I don't know what to say .... she is Punki's mother..... ?????

RoxieInPa · 04-15-2004, 10:33 PM

SIL has let Punki stay over night with us a few times in the past few months!!! I still don't understand when we lived 1 minute away (we lived on the same street ... across the street and up 2 houses) she wouldn't let her ... we moved like 20 minutes away and boom she can stay .. but I will not ask nor wanna know! Just happy

Lendi · 04-17-2004, 05:35 PM

Thanks Roxie for sharing the good news. I'm so happy it is working out better. Who know why, just glad it is

I see you have more good news

Congratulations! That's great. Sending healthy and happy 9 mo vibes

Lendi

KiwiKitten · 04-18-2004, 07:20 AM

You know, i think i might be able to see the problem. The other people that she let Punki stay with, were they further than walking distance away too? Maybe she was worried that if Punki was too comfortable staying at your house she would run there when things went wrong instead of talking it out with her Mummy. People can be weird like that. I am so glad you are getting to spend overnight time with her now though