So Afraid.....

luv2BAMommy · 10-25-2003, 05:14 AM

It has been months since I've been to this site. I don't know why....It seems so long since I lost my baby. In the months that I haven't been here, I've put my loss out of my mind. But tonight it pounds at my heart, breaking it into pieces. When I think about what happened, I don't think about my BABY. I think about what happened to ME, to my husband, I think about the event, but I can't think about my BABY. It's too much. Tonight I can't stop thinking about it....our baby....a piece of us that was living and then died. I can't believe it happened. All of my life I've wanted a baby, as long as I can remember I prayed for one, and I feel like I was slapped in the face by God! It's like, here! Here's what you've always wanted! Now boom! It's gone! Why? I just don't understand! I'm sick of people telling me how to feel about it, sick of reasons WHY it happened. Because to me there's no reason. It was senseless. I just want my baby back! That's all. But I can't have that. I don't know...I'm sorry I'm babbling. I just need to write. I need to get some of this out! I'm so afraid to try again. So afraid that I've drifted away from my husband. Our marriage has fallen apart and we have seperated. But I don't want this. I want him back, I want our baby back. I feel so alone right now, ya know? It's so unfair. So unfair.....

Anyway, thanks for listening.

-Shana

AmyKathleen · 10-27-2003, 12:24 AM

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I just miscarried on 10/24, my 2nd m/c and I am devastated. While I do already have 2 beautiful boys, my heart still aches for the ones I have lost. This one especially because I know the heart had started beating, I saw it with my own eyes. A blood clot got between the baby and the placenta and cut off it's nutrients. I feel responsible, like it's my fault, even though everyone is telling me it isn't.

I hope that your life can come back together soon. It sounds like you really want things to work with your dh. I will pray that your relationship and your heart will heal soon.

luv2BAMommy · 10-27-2003, 12:57 AM

Dear AmyKathleen,

Thank you for your kind words. i am feeling better tonight. I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. Yes, I do want it to work out with my dh. I do love him so much. Hopefully something will happen between us to make it better. I can only hope and pray.

Thank you for your prayers. They are much appreciated.

-Shana