So confused....bare with me....

Merc · 05-22-2009, 12:30 AM

Well it has been almost 4 months now since my miscarriage, and I still feel empty. I believe I am at peace with everything but every now and then I just feel like I am dying inside. I know my Husband and I would make great parents, and I want it so badly. I know your not supposed to ask why, but it is so hard not too..... I have been through so much in my life and I just want to have this one chance.... this moment to become a Mom. I know that we will have our child one day, but I will always miss my very first.
Since our miscarriage I haven't been feeling well. My anxiety is coming back, and I am starting to feel every little pain and with that I feel like something is always wrong with me. I have been on Xanax as needed for my panic disorder, and was off it for just about year, so we could ttc. I started taking them again the other day and I feel like I have let myself down. I have been dealing with panic for over 10 years, and have learned to cope and move on with my life. I think I became numb when I miscarried, so I would not panic. My family and friends commended me on how strong I was, I didn't even cry until a week later. In some way I think even though I was strong.... it was not the time to be.... I think I needed to break down, and let it out.... I think I needed to be upset, and bitter?????? I know it was out of my hands but when I think about it now.... I feel like I cheated myself of that grieving.... Don't get me wrong, I cry myself to sleep sometimes.... I think about my child every day.... but I don't feel like I have it all out...... I want to talk about it with my Husband, but I don't want to keep hurting him, and making him think about it all the time..... I don't even know what else to say.... I have said it all.... I have screamed why!!!??? I have said it's not fair...... I have cried I want my baby, but it still feels like it isn't enough..... I know I will never get over it and I know the world is moving on with or without me.... but I just want a break..... I want the anxiety to stop... and get back to being happy again......

dstaiger · 05-22-2009, 11:00 PM

jen - i'm so sorry. its been a month for me since our son died and i swing back and forth from good days to bad days. i don't know how to help, but i do understand.
one thing that has helped me (i got this from a book) is to set a specific time to talk with dh about my feeling. the book calls it a twenty minute something, i forgot the name sorry. dh and i sit down and i have ten minutes to get everything off my chest - rage, tears, disappointment, and disbelief. then he has ten minutes to do the same. we began this at one week after loss and did it every day until recently. now it seems to be every other day unless one of really needs to talk. it helped me by not making me feel like i was dwelling or harping, and it helped him come out of his shell - he ends to bottle things up but having a set time to talk got him to open up. i'd never done anything like this before and i thought he would think me crazy. i just told him i need to talk, vent, and i need him to help me.
some other things that have helped me are venting on here, and reading books on pregnancy loss. i bought several but my favorite one is "silent sorrow" by ingrid kohn.
please let yourself feel. your a mom whose baby died and if you hold in the grief it will destroy you.
if you need to chat/vent/cry feel free to pm me.
dianna

Merc · 05-23-2009, 06:35 AM

Thank you so much Dianna for your response. Every day tends to be a bit easier, but I just have so many feelings from one spectrum to the next.... I appreciate you and may take you up on the pm thing every once and again... DH and I are headed to Nebraska to see his family for Memorial Day, so I am going to do everything in my power to take this time to try and relax. I am so sorry for your loss as well.... From one mother to another.... time will heal but we will never forget our precious angels. Thank you again.....

AnotherDreamer · 05-23-2009, 05:01 PM

Merc: (*HUGS*) I think about my lost ones everyday. I honestly didn't feel any peace with the first one until I finally hit the one year mark, but it still hurts. Grief never ends, it's a long process. It does get easier to deal with though. Many days I feel like I need to just let it all out, but I can't. It's always there though, I've just found a way to balance it I guess. It's not easy, and some days I do fall into that heavy grief rather than the subtle, but it's all I can do to keep going. I'm sorry it's so difficult for you right now, I may not know exactly how you feel, but I can relate. I'm so sorry for your loss, and how it's made you feel. Deep breathes, and lots of hugs.

SheriKCMO · 05-23-2009, 11:41 PM

(((Hugs))) Grief is such a rollercoaster! I'm sorry you are having a rough time. My vote always goes for letting it all out of there. Your husband needs to hear how you are feeling, too, and he needs to process his grief as well. [The guys are really different in the way they do it, though.] With your anxiety, there could be supplements to consider that can help. I've taken fish oil occasionally (should take it forever), with some benefit for moods. You deserve to feel better and to be able to get through the day without so much pain, if you can figure out what your body needs to help it. It really stinks that PCOS makes having a family so hard, makes miscarriage likely, and makes our moods wacko as well! Such an insult.

As for not questioning why we have losses and all of that, I don't live that way. There are some things that are NOT for a reason, in my world! (((Hugs)))