jessnole

HI Ladies, I'm hoping for someone to hear me and be a friend.. here's my story..

We had been trying to TTC since September '05 and I was diagnosed with PCOS in November. After 2 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid, I got a BFP on round 3 on May 1st. We were so excited.. this was the 1st pregnancy for us. We had 3 good betas and everything seemed to be going well. We were sure that since we had such a difficult time getting pregnant, God would certainly give us a wonderful, trouble-free pregnancy. For Mother's Day, we told our families.. this would be the 1st grandchild for my parents.

On May 22nd, we had our 1st u/s with the RE and things didn't look right. I should have been 6w5d and expected to hear a heartheat, but instead all we saw was a gestational sac and yolk sac that the RE said looked too big. We were disraught and not treated very kindly by the staff.. my DH almost passed out in the office. We had a follow-up u/s a week later with my OB, and it looked a little better.. there was a baby there but no hb, and the baby was measuring 10 days behind, which would have been impossible since I got my BFP at only 11dpo. Our 3rd u/s took place a week after that, and the baby had shrunk slightly, no hb, and was then measuring almost 3 weeks behind. We knew at that point that there was no hope. After several days of agonizing, we scheduled the D&C for this week (6/12). At that point, I should have been almost 10 weeks, 4 weeks since the baby stopped developing and I showed no signs of natural m/c.

We had the procedure Monday, and I am still completely depressed. I seem to be recovering naturally, bleeding like a light period, but I feel so incredibly guilty about having the procedure. What if I gave up too easily? DH keeps reassuring me that we made the right choice.. we were both so emotionally exhausted, but I feel like a failure, like I chose to give up my baby. I don't understand why God would do this to us and what I did wrong to deserve this.

I am no friends to talk to about this becuase all our friends have healthy living children, many have 3-4 kids, and I don't understand why God blessed them and not us. Yesterday I took a long shower, laid on the floor of the shower and cried for half an hour becuase I just don't understand why this is happening. DH came in afterwards and I cried again. I just want to be dead like our baby, but I could never hurt DH that much. I hate my body for failing over and over to do what it's supposed to do.

We are planning on going to counseling starting next wednesday to help us get through the grief, but at this point I don't think that will help. Any comments or experiences would be appreciated.

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ajhyer

I am sorry that this has happened to you. You have done nothing wrong and from what you have said I agree with your DH. This was the right thing to do. The longer you waited the harder it would have been.

I had a coworker who lost her baby after 5 months of pregnancy. She was just starting to feel the baby move when she lost her baby! No one could ever tell her what happened or why. Because of how far along she was she still had to go through labor and delivery for this baby.

I hope the counseling helps you and your husband. If you need anyone to talk to, PM me and I will try to help you any way I can!

cjboo1

I was 10 weeks 6 days pg when i found out that there was no baby... I miscarried naturally. I believe that you did the right thing by having the D&C if you hadnt then you would have been very ill and that wouldnt have been good for you or Dh. God just decided that he needed that angel back up with him. And he will bless you when he feels the time is right and that you and your DH are ready....

I hope the counseling helps....

Jane8660

Hi, So sorry this has happened.

You sound like I did. For the life of me I couldn't understand why we would be blessed with a miracle only to have it taken away. It seems so incredibly cruel. I don't think you will ever come up with a 'satisfying' answer.

My betas were great too (in fact in the higher range). We had a heartbeat at 6 weeks 3 days (strong & measuring correctly) but at 9 weeks 3 days we had no heartbeat and it was measuring only 7 weeks 5 days.

So then we scheduled a D&C. Once there is no heartbeat and the baby is 'shrinking' there is really nothing more to do. If you try & wait for a 'natural' miscarriage, you run the risk of infection which could cause complications.

Counselling will help in the long term. Just being able to talk it through with someone.

So sorry, really don't know what to write as I'm feeling pretty down myself at the moment. Other then you are not alone & that I encourage you to talk about it as much as you can.