I lost Elizabeth 8 years ago today. My little zebra baby. My fiance at the time was black and I'm white, and my grandmother is an extreme racist... and just a few weeks before i found out I was pregnant she actually said to me "don't you dare bring home a zebra baby...it's bad enough you're with a N-----, but you don't have to shame our family name" Which was just about the exact moment i decided she was dead to me.
I was 16, my mother had just left us a few months earlier and i was supporting my father. I was going to HS full time, and then working full time at night. I was walking from school to work everyday and trying to keep it all together. I found out I was pregnant, and because I was in a long distance relationship, I knew EXACTLY how far along I could have been...by my calculation i was 12 weeks pregnant. I took a couple days to obsorb it all and I told the father...we were scared as hell, but after a long long long talk we were slowly getting over it. And within a couple of days we were happy. We got to see each other again and we laid in bed thinking about all of it, when the baby would be due, what we would do, where would we live, all of it. We figured out that the baby would be due late September/early October. Which made us really happy...the baby would be old enough by halloween to wear the most wonderful little zebra costume we could find. LOL. We were going to get pictures taken and send one to my grandmother.
I went to the clinic and confirmed my pregnancy. I spoke with the doctor about prenatal care and he told me what vitamins and what not to do and generally how to eat right and give the baby the right nutrients. He told me that i needed to go to an Ob and start all the ultrasounds and check ups. As i was 16 and terrified to tell my father, he used a heart monitor and let me hear the babies heartbeat. I cried. i was so happy and so overwhelmed, and felt so alone since the father was 500 miles away.
I tried to take good care of myself but hide the pregnancy. I was planning on telling my father soon but he was dealing with his own drama. Like I said my mom had just left and he was suicidal. He checked himself into a state hospital and forced me to stay with the evil grandmother.
1 week after my father returned i had planned to tell him. I was walking to work from school and I was very tired and stressed. I had been crampy all day but i figured it was my nerves or just "baby pains" since at this point I was at 17 weeks. I figured the baby would start moving soon and so i must be getting uncomfortable because of that. Walking down the hill the cramps got worse and worse. I had tears running down my face and by the time I got through the front doors of my work I had blood and water running down my legs. They wanted to call my father but i begged them to call my Best friend instead. She came to get me, put towels in her car, and rushed me to the hospital.
Obviously i knew something was terribly terribly wrong and i just cried and cried. the doctors gave me all sorts of drugs and I don't remember it too clearly after that. Except that i refused to let them call my Dad. I was over the age of 14 so they had no choice.
A very nice doctor came in and sat with me and told me that i had a misscarraige. He said my baby was a little girl, and she looked normal and that most likely my body just couldn't handle all the stress...and that most likely her heart stopped a couple days ago, and there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it.
To this very day my father has never found out i was ever pregnant.
I only knew I was pregnant for 5 weeks...I didn't think that was near long enough to love her so much. And even now I still love her and miss her, and thank her for impacting my life so hugely.
Today is always hard for me.
__________________ Vet Tech in Training!! Hooray I'm in school again!!
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Wow i'm crying for you I never knew people could be so cruel (grandmother) and I also don't know how it feels to loose a child but i do know that you must be in so much pain right know and need a hug (((((((hug))))))))). So be strong she is now your gaurdian angel and has always been.
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Christi(22) Germal(23)DH To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Dx PCOS 11/05
Germariya' Chrishawn & Germario Keyshawn
5lbs 3oz & 5lbs 15oz
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I'm so very sorry. You're story is very similar to my first pregnancy. I was a little older and in college, but still unmarried and very afraid of my parents ridicule. I'm pretty sure I already told you the whole thing so I won't repeat it. I just know how hard it is when you feel like you can't mourn openly for your loss and share your pain with your family. It wasn't until I joined SC that my husband and I even began talking a little about it. We just tried to pretend for so many years that it didn't happen, but I was hurting all these years. I was also blaming myself. I did learn that I had IC and that is what I lost my first babies to. All those years of blaming myself have finally come to an end. I didn't know I was pregnant for most of my pregnancy, either. It's amazing how much you can love your baby even after so short a period of time. Just because you were young and your pregnancy was unplanned doesn't make your baby unloved or unwanted. (((hugs)))
Thank you guys. Yesterday was hard, but I got through it, just as I'll get through it next year. Would have been easier if my soon to be ex husband hadn't chose last night to make my life hell. He sent me all these sappy songs about how sorry he was and how much he loves and blah blah blah. and then wanted to talk....I had to tell him that i had moved on, with someone who he once considered a friend. To which he told me he was still alone and I was the only woman who would ever love him and he would die alone now that he lost me. Right, like I needed that guilt. I was so mad that he chose that night to hurt me, to reopen the wounds, to remind me of what we had and what he broke.
But that is all over and I got through it, and I have good things to look forward to. DBF and I are moving in together in a couple weeks, we are moving to the lake later this summer too. Life is good.
__________________ Vet Tech in Training!! Hooray I'm in school again!!
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I'm sorry you had to go through such a loss! She will be with you always. (((hugs)))
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
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Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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I'm so sorry,
Elizabeth will always be a part of you, she's a part of your heart.
I'm sorry your ex decided to cause you even more pain on her birthday.
__________________ Gina
Mommy to a beautiful baby girl Victoria Elyse and 1 pampered furbaby kitty Lacey
Check my album for current pictures
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Mom to 6 angel babies and 1furry angel baby
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Gina M.
I'm sorry this anniversary has been especially tough on you.
It's hard enough to face the loss of a child when you have good support from the people who love you. I can't imagine how awful it must have been for you to be so young and not have anyone close by that you could confide in.
I'm sure your Elizabeth is watching over you today. BTW, I love the name Elizabeth. I chose it for my daughter, too.
That was just heartwrenching The wound is always there just under the surface isnt it...even after 8 years...i know your lil zebra is so very proud of her mommy!! I'm coming up to my 2nd due date and i will think of you on that day...
__________________ Kim 40 PCOS/IR/IC/PIH/PTL
DS6yrs-preemie-30w)Twins-Met,Prometrium, Puregon Injectibles DS3YRS
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TTC#4 w/Injectibles-IVF conversion/CERCLAGE/6.2mo bedrest/emerg c-sec at 38wks
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I know someone who lost her baby about 6 years ago. I let her read a poem that I had, and she said it was like she had just lost her daughter. Like, it was just as painful. I don't think we'll ever get over, only when we get to see our babies again.
I'm sorry you lost your baby, and that your grandmother was so mean about it. I would have sent her a pic of my baby in a zebra costume too.
__________________ Molly
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*hugs* I f you ever need to talk please PM me!! I am so sorry for your loss!
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Carey(31) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Paul(43)
Married 7-25-02
PCOS Diagnosed Nov 02'
Bi Polar Diagnosed Feb 08'
Current meds~ Lithium&Celexa
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so long ago, 
I'm coming up to my 2nd due date and i will think of you on that day...
