Thread: so long ago,

I lost Elizabeth 8 years ago today. My little zebra baby. My fiance at the time was black and I'm white, and my grandmother is an extreme racist... and just a few weeks before i found out I was pregnant she actually said to me "don't you dare bring home a zebra baby...it's bad enough you're with a N-----, but you don't have to shame our family name" Which was just about the exact moment i decided she was dead to me.

I was 16, my mother had just left us a few months earlier and i was supporting my father. I was going to HS full time, and then working full time at night. I was walking from school to work everyday and trying to keep it all together. I found out I was pregnant, and because I was in a long distance relationship, I knew EXACTLY how far along I could have been...by my calculation i was 12 weeks pregnant. I took a couple days to obsorb it all and I told the father...we were scared as hell, but after a long long long talk we were slowly getting over it. And within a couple of days we were happy. We got to see each other again and we laid in bed thinking about all of it, when the baby would be due, what we would do, where would we live, all of it. We figured out that the baby would be due late September/early October. Which made us really happy...the baby would be old enough by halloween to wear the most wonderful little zebra costume we could find. LOL. We were going to get pictures taken and send one to my grandmother.

I went to the clinic and confirmed my pregnancy. I spoke with the doctor about prenatal care and he told me what vitamins and what not to do and generally how to eat right and give the baby the right nutrients. He told me that i needed to go to an Ob and start all the ultrasounds and check ups. As i was 16 and terrified to tell my father, he used a heart monitor and let me hear the babies heartbeat. I cried. i was so happy and so overwhelmed, and felt so alone since the father was 500 miles away.

I tried to take good care of myself but hide the pregnancy. I was planning on telling my father soon but he was dealing with his own drama. Like I said my mom had just left and he was suicidal. He checked himself into a state hospital and forced me to stay with the evil grandmother.

1 week after my father returned i had planned to tell him. I was walking to work from school and I was very tired and stressed. I had been crampy all day but i figured it was my nerves or just "baby pains" since at this point I was at 17 weeks. I figured the baby would start moving soon and so i must be getting uncomfortable because of that. Walking down the hill the cramps got worse and worse. I had tears running down my face and by the time I got through the front doors of my work I had blood and water running down my legs. They wanted to call my father but i begged them to call my Best friend instead. She came to get me, put towels in her car, and rushed me to the hospital.

Obviously i knew something was terribly terribly wrong and i just cried and cried. the doctors gave me all sorts of drugs and I don't remember it too clearly after that. Except that i refused to let them call my Dad. I was over the age of 14 so they had no choice.

A very nice doctor came in and sat with me and told me that i had a misscarraige. He said my baby was a little girl, and she looked normal and that most likely my body just couldn't handle all the stress...and that most likely her heart stopped a couple days ago, and there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it.

To this very day my father has never found out i was ever pregnant.

I only knew I was pregnant for 5 weeks...I didn't think that was near long enough to love her so much. And even now I still love her and miss her, and thank her for impacting my life so hugely.

Today is always hard for me.

Wow i'm crying for you I never knew people could be so cruel (grandmother) and I also don't know how it feels to loose a child but i do know that you must be in so much pain right know and need a hug (((((((hug))))))))). So be strong she is now your gaurdian angel and has always been.

Thank you guys. Yesterday was hard, but I got through it, just as I'll get through it next year. Would have been easier if my soon to be ex husband hadn't chose last night to make my life hell. He sent me all these sappy songs about how sorry he was and how much he loves and blah blah blah. and then wanted to talk....I had to tell him that i had moved on, with someone who he once considered a friend. To which he told me he was still alone and I was the only woman who would ever love him and he would die alone now that he lost me. Right, like I needed that guilt. I was so mad that he chose that night to hurt me, to reopen the wounds, to remind me of what we had and what he broke.

But that is all over and I got through it, and I have good things to look forward to. DBF and I are moving in together in a couple weeks, we are moving to the lake later this summer too. Life is good.

I'm sorry you had to go through such a loss! She will be with you always. (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry,
Elizabeth will always be a part of you, she's a part of your heart.
I'm sorry your ex decided to cause you even more pain on her birthday.

I'm so sorry,(HUGS)

I'm so sorry for your precious loss.

Such a sad, sad, story. I'm so sorry for your loss.

That was just heartwrenching The wound is always there just under the surface isnt it...even after 8 years...i know your lil zebra is so very proud of her mommy!! I'm coming up to my 2nd due date and i will think of you on that day...

I know someone who lost her baby about 6 years ago. I let her read a poem that I had, and she said it was like she had just lost her daughter. Like, it was just as painful. I don't think we'll ever get over, only when we get to see our babies again.
I'm sorry you lost your baby, and that your grandmother was so mean about it. I would have sent her a pic of my baby in a zebra costume too.

*hugs* I f you ever need to talk please PM me!! I am so sorry for your loss!