SO MAD AT PCOS! It has taken so much from me...

chocolatedaisy · 10-28-2009, 09:15 PM

Hey girls,
I don't know where to post this... but I really need to vent. I've been so depressed about PCOS recently. PCOS has taken so much from my life in the past 4 years... am I overeacting?... probably... maybe I'm oversensitive, but it has totally consumed my life... I hate myself now. I didn't realize until recently how much PCOS has affected me... I developed an eating disorder around the same time as my PCOS... now that i'm in recovery for that I see how much PCOS has played a role in my ED which destroyed my life for so long (I have actually read that bulimia and PCOS are very much correlated)... I am also doing a research paper on PCOS for my anatomy and physiology class and so many painful emotions are surfacing that I didn't even know I had toward my PCOS... since I've been in recovery from my ED, I've been feeling alot of uncomforable things... I am shocked how much PCOS has affected me. It has made me hate my body... until I was 15 I was naturally a feminine, thin, shape... flat stomach... could eat whatever I wanted... my metabolism changed as my hormones shifted due to my PCOS... I was never fat, but I got a belly... I got hair all over myself... I gained probably 10 lbs that year and for the 1st time felt "fat". I had to diet... I couldn't stand myself. I got carried away w/ the diet and exercise and I became anorexic on and off for a while... it then shifted to a non-purging bulimia which consumed me for a few years... binging... restricting... fasting... excercising for hours... isolating from people... judging myself by my weight... this is what I'm currently battling... I am in OA... I really believe that PCOS triggered all of this as it changed my body and metabolism... made me obsessed w/ food and diets... made food scary... forbidden... it led to my anxiety and extremely low self esteem... I don't even feel like a woman... I feel ugly. I have hair all over my body... I feel fat... all of my fat is on my belly, but I have very small breasts... I pretty much never get my period... I feel too unfeminine and unsexy and just bad about myself to ever be in a relationship w/ a guy... i believe PCOS makes it even more difficult to recover from ED than it would be for most people (It is hard for everyone though) as I feel like i have to watch everything I put into my mouth... I go to a holistic doctor who has me on a strict diet... I can't just eat like a "Normal" person... I feel like such a baby crying over PCOS... I mean 10% of women supposedly have it... but I feel like it took me at a very vulnerable time... right in the middle of adolescence and made me feel different in a very negative way... thank you all for listening... I am just feeling overwhelmed right now... I don't know what to do about all of this, but I'm just glad to get some of it out there... only my fellow cysters will understand at all where I am coming from!

mip1500 · 10-28-2009, 09:29 PM

Understand and can imagine completely - I don't have the eating disorders experience/history but can't say it's been far out of my mind either. I was completely fine until about the same age as you... then hairy, no periods, belly.... pissed off at the world. Actually going on BCPs straightened me out a bit for a while... but have to say life went to hell again after going off and I feel like I can say MORE hair (is that possible?) and more weight in early 20s. I've been going on/off Met for a few years now and with that on/off weight. its annoying. I was near my biggest before meeting my husband at speed dating (www.15firstdates.com in Arizona). I hated that, but had to tell him of the PCOS and my other fertility issues right away - and that didn't stop us from becoming what we are now. Of course at this very minute I'm fatter and hairer yet again - but can't tell if I'm blowing that out of proportion. You sure came to the right spot to vent and of course you know as I know that cysters we all are - are just about the only ones who can understand us.

So proud that you've been able to overcome ED, and dive into this research paper... but that's got to be mind engulfing which might be leading to some over-thinking or mind exhaustion on the topic. Do you have another outlet you can go to? reading? photography? crafts? etc? at least while doing this research stuff.

I sure feel like all of us here make up for more than 10% at times. esp considering I'm learning more and more from my high school have PCOS too.

Pink Nails · 10-29-2009, 03:29 PM

Awww, I feel for you girls. I understand about not feeling feminine and having to work extra hard, it is a constant uphill battle that is made worse becuase hormones do a number on your emotional health as well as the physical.

I actually felt better before my diagnosis, the diagnosis is what made me question my feminity and I have not been able to shake that yet. I also took BCP's and they helped me put all that on hold and I met my husband and dated a lot during that time but I kind of felt like it was a coverup.

I am a very honest woman but PCOS forces me to be secretive. I keep PCOS private because it paints an ugly picture I believe and my huband would never understand. I jsut told him I may not be able to get pregnant and my hormones are messed up. That is proably the hardest part feeling like underneath you are less of a woman.

It is not true though, only women can get PCOS. Chromosomally you are 100% woman. From there it is a matter of how we treat and present ourselves to the world. The only way I can reconcile it with myself is I think at least I am blessed to live in America and have options, I am not in a wheel chair, there is a lot to be thankful for and in the whole scheme of things it is a detail in our life - aconstant detail but a detail non the less.

I think it is also important to congratualte ourselves on our accomplishments. I am thin, thinner than a lot of woman who don't have pcos. In spite of my challenges I so a good job of takign charge and takign care of myself and I try to find solice in that. I need to learn to move on from this disgnosis and accept myself as a woman.

sarahlou89 · 11-01-2009, 03:27 PM

i totally understand. my pcos began at 14 and since the life has gone downhill. pcos takes over every single part of oyur life and every thing that i go through health wise is related somehow to pcos or a symptom of it. being hairy is something that you feel should not be associated with women and everytime that you have to remove this hair i feel as though a bit more of my feminity is stripped away with it. the weight is another thing that just makes me feel ugly all the time. i think that you have to focus on other more positive parts of life even though there are not many that are not affected by pcos and its hard but just try and put it to one side.

DAT_VICIOUZ_MAMI · 11-02-2009, 01:40 PM

I feel the same way...I wasn't diagnoised with pcos until 2004 but I started noticing changes I couldn't explain in 2002. Before 2002 I was most popular in school, outgoing, friendly had more friends that I knew what to do with, I was considered the prettiest girl in my district etc. In 2002 I started to gain weight literally overnight. I secluded myself & hid from the world. PCOS has held me back from being my true self. I know had I not had this I would be in a whole different level as far as friends, family, relationships, career. The weird thing is I don't feel like I had it all my life...that I "contracted" it, if you will. I never had any symptoms at all, no acne, regual periods, not facial hair, full long think hair on my scalp a size 4-6. Then in 2002 BAM! my face blew up overnight. I hate PCOS....I wish there was a cure for it.

randomdaydream · 11-03-2009, 12:24 AM

I was so having a 'I HATE PCOS' night last night! It does feel like it steals away your femininity, your life, everything! One thing that makes me mad, like MAD, is that I had classic symptoms for YEARS before I was diagnosed. I was vocal about my symptoms - I'm very heavy and have a bad facial hair problem, but my insulin is fine, no insulin resistance whatsoever - but not a single doctor brought it up. I could have gotten a start working on this problem YEARS ago. I never thought to connect the dots between my symptoms. I thought they were things that I just needed to deal with. Early last spring, after I was diagnosed, the doctor working with me said that 'Oh, PCOS is very common and it's not a big deal.' If it was very common, why hadn't anyone mentioned it to me when discussing my symptoms?!!

Yay for ranting! It's hard to be honest about this condition. Though, sometimes I wish I could wear a big sign that said 'I have PCOS. Ignore the razor burns.' Or something.

miss62 · 11-08-2009, 04:39 PM

I'm totally with you girls....I always had problem with pcos symptoms.severe acne,mood swings,excess body hair but never thought of it as a major problem.I was accutane for so many years and had the best time of my life as teenager until last year.I moved from london to Canada and it was a huge change for me.lostallmy friends and boyfriend.it was here that I found out I have pcos.I wasn't aware of my body hair but when the drs told me male hormones are the cause ofmy acne and hair I got obsessed,scared and start noticing things that I wasn't even aware of.
now I can't even sleep without thinking androgens and my facial fuzz.constantly in a fear of having dark hair on my face.
so yes pcos has destroyed me.I'm pretty much depressed and so obsessed about myself

zigzag · 11-14-2009, 09:00 PM

Awww, gals..I know this sucks. I'm so glad I stumbled across this forum, I don't feel so self-loathing as I used to. For me, it's not the weight, it's my acne-ridden face and screwed up menstrual cycle. I feel like it's held me back from so much in my life. I had so many nasty things said to me as a kid about my zit-face. and as an adult, now and then I have people ask me "what the problem is with my face" (sigh). People probably think I just don't wash my face or something and that I'm dirty.

Just knowing that you are all in it with me, stops me from crying some days. Hang in there cysters!

dollface1982 · 11-19-2009, 06:22 PM

I Hate Pcos!!! I Hate It... I Hate It...