So, was it our first child?

mandy71480 · 10-31-2005, 06:47 PM

Df and I are unsure how to feel about this, so I would like input from you gals.

I am going through a m/c right now- been bleeding for 5 days, so it's a definite.

When people discuss this m/c with me, they treat my baby as if he/she was a "thing" that just happened. My sister doesn't think I should call him/her my "baby" because he/she's dead now. Josh doesn't know if, when people ask if he's ever had kids, what to say. For thos of us who believe life begins at conception, wouldn't the answer be yes?

So my baby was only a 6 week old fetus when she died. In my heart, she was my child. When (God willing) I have a baby and the baby is actually born full-term, in my heart it won't be my first child. But will others understand that?

Does any of this make sense?

Do I have the right to call a 6 week old fetus my child when I never held her my arms? When I never saw her heart beat or felt her kick?

I don't know how to feel about this, I really don't.

ZMAZ32 · 10-31-2005, 07:12 PM

I don't have a clear cut answer for you. I lost my baby at 8wks, so I understand where you are coming from. I think you have to listen to your heart. I know in my heart this was my baby. I will just try to assess the situation I am in as to how I will refer to my baby. I don't know if this has been of any help but I hope at least just a little.

VivC · 10-31-2005, 07:16 PM

I would say this was your child. When your parents die, they still existed (nobody suddenly assumes you sprang forth from a test tube fully formed). Since your baby DID exist, this was your child. I think you're running into a LOT of inconsiderate, insensitive people.

IMO, anytime you've been pregnant, you've been a parent. So, yes, this was your first child. At some point, you'll have to decide when/how to disclose the information that your "First" child died, but for now just work through it day by day.

((hugs)),

Viv

shandris · 10-31-2005, 07:17 PM

I agree that there is no clear cut answer, you really need to do what you feel comfortable with. Myself I found out I was pregnant at 6w4d, from that day on he was my baby...but I am like you...to me life begins at conception. Once the heart starts beating that is it for me. You and DH do what you feel comfortable with and what makes you happy. You are not going to make everyone happy, no matter what. If they don't understand...then oh well. That is a personal decision for you and DH.

SheriKCMO · 10-31-2005, 07:42 PM

even though my daughter was born alive and died in my arms, we are in the same boat. the babies are not here anymore, so people who don't identify with the situation (lucky for them!) just don't see them the same way as a child you raise to adulthood.

i choose who gets to hear about mary catherine. if someone asks me whether duncan is my first, i size them up quickly and decide if they deserve to know. then i will tell them, "well, we lost our first one, so duncan is extra special."

to people close to you whom you need for support, explain your deepest feelings about this baby and tell them that you really trust them to treat you tenderly as you grieve and heal. they owe you the courtesy of that, at least.

((hugs)) i'm very sorry about your baby.

mystik817 · 10-31-2005, 09:59 PM

Mandy- Im so sorry for your loss. I lost two pgs at 5-6 weeks and I too wrestled with what to think if they were my first children. Between my husband and I, we are parents. Our children just left us early. But when people ask if we have kids, we politely say "No" just because we know they may not understand and we do not want to relive telling them that we m/c. So we keep it to ourselves.

As I told DH the other night, I believe life begins at conception, so therefore I have had two children. And so I am a mother, and to just forget or not validate my children would make me a bad mother. Just as a courtesey to those that really do not want to know, they just want to know about living children, I give them the answer no. But for those of us on here, when others with losses ask me, I say yes... because I know they understand the hardship I have been through.

I hope you find the right answer for you. HUGS!

saluki_fan · 11-01-2005, 12:35 AM

Quote:

Between my husband and I, we are parents. Our children just left us early. But when people ask if we have kids, we politely say "No" just because we know they may not understand and we do not want to relive telling them that we m/c. So we keep it to ourselves.

I agree with this post 100%!

If I feel comfortable with the person I'm speaking with, I **may** share my history with them, but it just depends on the situation.

Quote:

My sister doesn't think I should call him/her my "baby" because he/she's dead now.

I am so sorry to hear this. This is why people who have pregnancy losses feel so alone and isolated - no one wants to admit anything happened. My grandma passed away when I was a teenager and guess what - I still call her my grandma, and just because my first 3 babies didn't make it does not mean I will ever forget them - they are my babies and I can't wait to meet them someday.

Anonykat · 11-01-2005, 01:42 AM

I think your sister should keep opinions like that to herself. What good does it do a grieving mother (which is what you are) to hear that?

*Clarissa* · 11-01-2005, 10:11 AM

I am sorry for your loss and the added stress that you are having by dealing with insensitive people.

Most of us know each other on here, we have became somewhat of a sisterhood or, well, motherhood, that share something that unfortunantly so many cannot understand and that we never wanted to share. Yet here we are.

I believe that he/she was, is, and always will be your child. I know when I saw my +hpt I became that baby's mother, and when my babies died, I remained their mother. My two angels will always be special to me and I will always be their mother. They have a stone on my mother's ring along with my two living children, because they left us early doesn't mean that they didn't exsist.

I agree with Sheri about telling who you/we want to tell about our babies. Some people I do not mind to share it with, but it is a painful tale, and I do not like to share it with everyone. And some people are just to nieve for me to tell, because they would not/ will not understand.

Big Hugs.

RoxieInPa · 11-01-2005, 10:57 AM

I'm sorry for your loss {{{HUGS}}} When DH and I were out back in March or April I was asked by someone I went to school with if Norm and I had kids. My responce was "We have 2 children but they died". I don't feel I want to or need to not tell anyone about my children. That's not saying others feel comfortable telling ppl. It is up to each person. It does get confuseing when asked "Have you been pregnant"? Yes. "How many times?" Twice. "Any multiples?" No. "So you have two children." Not liveing. "Not liveing?" No. I had two losses. "Well you should have just said that." But that's NOT what I was asked. Maybe you should ask the questions differently. THat's how I handled the ?'s from the new nurse at my OB/GYN's office.

Mustard Seed · 11-01-2005, 01:47 PM

Mandy - I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I'm glad you have your cysters at this time, because I think your sister (and others who are telling you to treat your baby as a "thing") is wrong to try to dismiss your pain and grief the way she is. I'm sure she doesn't mean any harm by it. She probably thinks it will help you "get over" your m/c faster if you think of your baby as an "it" and ignore the fact that he/she was living, if only for a few short weeks.

You have every right to call this baby your child, although you never held him/her in your arms. You also have a right to choose whether to disclose any information about your m/c when others ask you if you have any children or not. There are some very insensitive people out there and probably a lot of normally sensitive people wouldn't know what to say (and might say the wrong thing) when you tell them about your m/c. I know I will always think of the baby I lost as my first baby, but whether I tell other people about that baby or not will probably be determined by the situation and whether I feel comfortable with them knowing about the saddness dh and I have gone through with our m/c. Because I know I can be a very private person sometimes, I'm sure that over the years to come, there will be less people that know about our m/c than those we choose to tell... but I know that whether other people know about our little baby that was only with us for 9 weeks or not, I am still a mother.

(((hugs)))

SweetPea76 · 11-01-2005, 02:16 PM

Mandy-
I'm so sorry for your loss. For me too, it depends on who I am talking with. For a while I didn't talk about the baby I lost b/c it would make people uncomfortable. But then it occurred to me that I was sacrificing my own comfort and healing (it really helped me to acknowledge my baby) just because other's didn't know what to say. So now, I often talk about my first baby (I'll say the baby I lost... Or, with my first pregnancy...). But I know that its different with anyone b/c my sister had a loss shortly before me and never discusses it with anyone (but me.)

Wishing you peace,
Jessica

naomid · 11-01-2005, 05:05 PM

I tried not to get attached because I was also high risk. I tell people no we don't have any children. I dont know if I consider myself as a mother, and I tried not to think of it as a baby. It is harder now not to think of it as such. I told everyone when I was PG that I was high risk and could m/c. It was easier for me especially after I m/c to explain that I did. I guess I am the pessimist and DH the optimist.

AvivaElona · 11-01-2005, 10:28 PM

I think what you say and to who you say it changes over time. When we first lost Isaac I could never imagine not telling people when they asked, but now it depends on who I'm talking to. Is he my first? Is Japhet my first? I don't know, Isaac was many firsts, but not all of them, Japhet is many firsts but not all of them. Its confusing and hard and I hate when people ask the question but you know, its ok for it to be confusing, not all questions have to have definite answers. Hugs and sympathy for your loss and for those around you not being as supportive as they could be.

Gnzls924 · 11-02-2005, 12:30 PM

Yes. In your heart you know she was your first baby. Some people may not understand, but like most have already said, in time you will choose who will have the privledge of knowing about your first child.

(((Hugs)))