So very down.

katiwren · 03-03-2003, 02:56 PM

I've not posted in here before. I hope this is OK.

It's taken me all day (it's 5:30 here now) to write this. I think I'm depressed, and it's mainly about ttc and my horrible body and I guess my sh*tty life too.

I feel so horrible. I can't seem to get off my butt to do anything. I had huge hopes for this cycle at one point. I got a + OPK back on CD 21, after about 10 days of negatives. It wasn't just a + because I'd always have one, so I thought it meant something. But, I guess not. My temps rose for a bit, and it looked like an O, but it wasn't. (Or it was a weak O maybe?)

Well, now I'm on CD 59. I've had all of the symptoms of early pg, but I'm pretty sure I'm not since it doesn't look like I O'd and I've gotten about a hundred bfns. My horrible GP will only do a pee test, b/c my local hospital apparently won't do a blood test. I was supposed to do one today, but I can't be bothered to go to the hospital and hand it in. It's not like I'm avoiding the bfn. I actually want it official, so I can get something to end this cycle from hell. I just can't seem to get enough oomph to even get dressed, let alone leave the house. It's too late now anyway, so I'll try to go tomorrow.

My life just sucks so bad right now. I'm not working, I've dropped out of the courses I was taking, I have no friends and I can't even paint my walls the right colour. (OK, the last one is true but stupid.) I know there are so many people going through worse things, but I'm just not coping well right now. I was pretty much OK yesterday, but today...

I keep crying and don't know why
I feel heavy and sad
I feel like a horrible person who should just crawl away and lie under a rock forever
It feels like a huge effort just to push the keys to type this
I'm totally spotty. It's never been this bad. I don't want to show my face to anyone.
I don't even feel good enough to pet my cat
I'm still bloated and crampy and feel fat and icky

My family has a history of depression, and intellectually I know that's what's going on with me today, but it doesn't change the feeling. I've wanted to write something about this all day, but haven't felt able to. I even posted in another thread without mentioning this.

I just needed to talk to someone. I WILL NOT use antidepressants, so if anyone bothers to respond, please don't suggest it. I have my reasons. I know (though it doesn't fel like it) that I will feel better soon. In all likelihood, knowing me I'll be on top of the world tomorrow or the next day. It's just now, when it all seems so bleak.

--KT

KlassicalKat · 03-03-2003, 03:18 PM

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) to my dear katiwren!

It grieves me to read how much you are suffering right now. You seem like such a lovely person from all of the posts that I have read of yours and it doesn't seem fair that someone as nice as you should have to have this happen to them. It sounds like you have been dealing with so very much and it is understandable that you are feeling down.

I know that you said that you didn't feel motivated to do anything. However, maybe just going outside for a short little walk will help you to clear your head of some of the negetive thoughts. This has helped me in the past. I realize that over in the UK it might be getting dark, now, so maybe you could plan this for first thing tomorrow morning. It really helps to get out and get moving. I hope it might make the brand new day stretching out before you more hopeful.

Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for better days for you!

Kathryn

tnade · 03-03-2003, 03:19 PM

Well sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on and that's what we are here for. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. We're here if you need to 'talk'

:p

CTCyster · 03-03-2003, 03:26 PM

katiwren,

You sure seem overwhelmed right now- with all the stresses of ttc- it's no wonder!! I am so sorry that all of your efforts with ttc have not yet succeeded. Even though I myself am not ttc. I know from seeing other cysters that it can take a huge emotional toll.

This is just a stab in the dark- but when you *DO* decide to go to deal with the pg test, maybe you'd consider taking a "mental health" break from ttc? Nothing long or complicated, maybe just one cycle where you focus on yourself and your mental well being over the ultimate goal of getting pregnant. It sounds to me like you need to recharge and get a confidence boost. IMHO, the benefits would be great, as you could return to the ttc world well rested and refreshed- aware of the challenges that lie ahead and ready to take them on. It just might do you a world of good.

I am sorry you are feeling so low, my dear cyster. I hope the road ahead is much brighter- hang in there

*Aimee*

katiwren · 03-03-2003, 04:14 PM

Well, I've used my family's time-honoured traditional way of dealing with any emotion--I binged. So, now I feel oddly less depressed (the world is dark grey instead of black), but I also feel super-fat and full to the point of feeling ill. Wasn't that a bright move?

Kathryn, Thanks. I'll try getting out tomorrow. Actually, it's about a mile from here to the hospital, so I think I'll walk that. If I can just manage to get up and dressed, and to actually leave the house, then I'm usually OK. I just didn't manage that today.

tnade, Thank you too. I really did need someone to talk to. DH tried, but he doesn't understand the depression thing.

Aimee, I don't think we're ready to take a break yet. We've only been actively trying since June, and this is my second cycle in that time. If I take a break every 2 cycles, I could be trying forever. It's not so much dealing with the pregnancy test either. It's more just dealing with the world. It seems too hard to actually leave the house some days. If I could've gotten DH to take it in for me, the sample would've been there today. I just couldn't get dressed. If I'd done that, then maybe I could've done the rest.

DH said we could go to bed early tonight, and then I'll get up and dressed before he leaves tomorrow, so I can go out.

I'm wondering how much of this is hormonal. Maybe AF is finally on her way?

Can I ask a question while I'm here? It seems like feeling upset, envious, or just plain sad when hearing about someone else (outside of this board) getting pregnant is perfectly acceptable, but it's not OK to feel that way when someone on here gets pregnant. Well, sometimes I do. Is that terrible of me? It's not that I don't want anyone but me to get pregnant or anything, but I still feel sad in a way when I sign on and see that another couple of women are pregnant, while I'm not. Does that make me a bad person?

--KT

CTCyster · 03-03-2003, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by katiwren

Can I ask a question while I'm here? It seems like feeling upset, envious, or just plain sad when hearing about someone else (outside of this board) getting pregnant is perfectly acceptable, but it's not OK to feel that way when someone on here gets pregnant. Well, sometimes I do. Is that terrible of me? It's not that I don't want anyone but me to get pregnant or anything, but I still feel sad in a way when I sign on and see that another couple of women are pregnant, while I'm not. Does that make me a bad person?

--KT

You are always entitled to the feelings that come naturally- so don't beat yourself up for that- you feel what you feel- it would be hard for you to override your natural emotions.

My only comment about the jealousy is that one way you *can* take control of those feelings is by controlling how you respond to them. Having a cry or talking about it with your friend or a spouse is one thing, but, say, avoiding a friendship with a pregnant cyster or friend IRL would be letting the jealousy control your life. Does that make sense? Sometimes I have a hard time getting my exact point across...lol

So that was long winded- but NO- you are not a bad person because of the jealous feelings you sometimes feel- just make sure not to let jealousy rule your life.

I wish you only the best and hope that your dreams of a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful baby become a reality very soon. Sending prayers for patience and for confidence and lots and lots of**babydust**

*Aimee*

Vaughn · 03-03-2003, 04:58 PM

Katiwren,

I replied to you other post but I thought I would post here too. I (obviously) had no idea you were this down but I'm glad you posted about it. I know exactly where you are coming from. I have been there and continue to struggle. I 'm sure your reasons for not taking anti-depressants are very valid but I will share with you that they have helped me enormously. I don't think I would be here or in my marriage without them. There are alternative therapies though that you can explore if medication isn't for you. Unfortuantely I haven't found the magic bullet. If you find it over there will you let me know and I will be on the next plane...

As for the magic of binging, I am glad that you experienced some release from it. Its my very favorite form of therapy. Something which I try desperately to change but when I feel really bad it works and so some days I just go with it and try not to beat myself up about it.

The thing that just kills me about depression is all the things that seem to improve it take so much work i.e. social contact, exercise, journaling. And the last thing you want to do when you feel like this is more work. Vicious cycle I know.

Anyways enough blabbing. Please pm if you want to talk more. Take care of yourself, even if that means just the effort of typing to tell us how you feel.

Vaughn

saffrhon · 03-05-2003, 10:13 AM

Oh KT, so sorry to read you are feeling so down. I hope you are feeling better today, not sure what time/day it is there for you, but here its Wed night. It was great that you managed to type, even if it took all day to get it out. It's the little steps you take that bring you out of feeling down.

If you ever need to talk, just pm me, and just remember, our day is coming... we will get to that darn preggers board, and wow, what a great post thats gonna be!
Take care, lots of huge hugs to you, I hope today is better for you.

katiwren · 03-05-2003, 10:48 AM

Thank you to everyone--Kathryn, tnade, Aimee, Vaughn and Rhon. I just thought I'd post an update.

I'm feeling somewhat better. I finally went out yesterday and took my lovely pee sample in and got my Hep-B blood test done as well (just to check the vaccination took, so I can work in healthcare). I ended up taking the bus because I was running so late, but I did walk most of the way back. I haven't been very good on the diet, but I'm starting that again today.

We didn't end up going to bed early on Monday, instead we were up having a fight at 1 am. I think my DH has finally realised that his way of coping with stuff wasn't helping at all. Instead of talking to me and spending some time with me, he was just taking over the chores I was supposed to be doing and wasn't, leaving even less time for me.

Last night he came home and spent a few hours with me (no big deal stuff--watched CSI together and played a computer game together). We even went to bed at a reasonable hour, but our cats were against us sleeping. Every time I fell asleep, Poppy (who normally sleeps in the other room) would come in and sleep on me. Fine, except that she snores loud enough to wake the dead. Then I finally went to look for Tally (who does sleep with us most nights, and won't let Poppy in our bed) so I could sleep. Well, she was outside and being a total brat. We got her in, but she still wouldn't come to bed (yes, it mattered!). I gave up on sleep for a while and spent an hour doing housework. Doesn't everyone clean their toilet at 3 am?

So, now I overslept again (got up about noon), but I'm feeling a bit more optimistic and a bit less incompetent. I'm gonna try to get out at some point today, even if just to do a bit of gardening, and maybe get some housework done (our house is a disaster!). I'm not up to dealing with studying yet, even though I have to do some soon.

So, I'm slowly getting back on my feet and I wanted to thank you all for your advice and for listening. It really helped.

--KT

Lendi · 03-09-2003, 11:47 AM

Katiwren, I'm so sorry I missed your post. I thought I had replied, came back to see how you are doing and it's not there. (fibro fog) Everyone else has really given you some good advice. Exercise, is especially a good one. It raised the endorphens which alters mood. I know you said "no anti-depressants" does that include herbals? If you are interested in that possibility, let me know. Also, you might check into some therapy. Coping skills can do wonders. Are you taking any medications at all? Maybe they are causing interactions if depression isn't normal for you. It sounds as though you have a lot happening in your life right now, but you do have many of the classic signs of depression. PCOS can cause so many difficulties!! Mostly I just want to send warm hugs and baby vibes your way

Lendi
P.S. You are not a bad person for having sad/angry feelings. That is normal. It's how you handle your feelings that count, not the feelings themselves.

katiwren · 03-09-2003, 12:01 PM

Lendi,

I do that too. I reply in my head or something, but it doesn't actually make it to the board, then I'm surprised to see that my reply isn't there.

Thank you for replying now though. It still means something, I promise.

Actually, I am continuing to get "better". I even went to the open day for the health professions at a local university. I'm filling out my midwifery application today. I probably won't get in, since it's late. They've actually already offered more spots than they have places, but the admissions tutor I spoke to was very insistent that I should still send in my application. She said that there was still a slim chance, but kept saying "you will apply, right?" So, I guess they liked me, right?

My house is still a mess, but less so than before. And I've tried to get out of the house every day. I'm even planning to make it to the gym today.

St John's Wart and I don't get on well, and I'm really not keen to add any more to my current cocktail anyway. I've done the therapy thing before (I am a child of divorced parents who grew up in southern California, so it was manditory for years). It doesn't help me that much. I think it was just something I had to work through.

Things are better between me and DH too. (ick--poor grammar, I know) The lines of communication seem to have opened up more.

I'm even feeling enough better that the nieghbourhood kids sitting on my front wall and playing in front of my house are making me laugh, rather than cry.

--KT

Gizmo · 03-12-2003, 07:02 PM

I don't feel up to writing long, well-thought out supportive reply here... but I just want to say I think we must be cut from the same cloth. I'm feeling just about EVERYTHING you seem to be feeling right now except we're not TTC. So X out that part and I'd swear we must be sisters...

I think I've had this thought before about you, heh...

if you think being upset about the paint is bad, yesterday i actually started crying because of all the dust on the telephone under the dial where i can't get to it. (we have a very old rotary phone I refuse to part with next to the computer...)

Anyway... I hope we both feel somewhat better soon...

yours in bingeing, depression, unemployment, and irrational feelings that can't be stopped...

- gizmo

ps - re: feeling upset over women here getting preg... i haven't read the board in months because i just couldn't take it any more.
you're not alone there.

katiwren · 03-12-2003, 07:07 PM

Gizmo,

Yep. I think we're secretly related.
I'm actually moving up towards the surface again, instead of drowning in the depths. I still haven't cleaned the house, but at least I had a good excuse today--migraine from hell. I've not had one for ages, now this makes 3 since January. I've decided to believe it's due to my hormones maybe behaving better than usual, rather than just another sh*tty thing.

I hope you're feelin' a bit less down soon.

--KT

Gizmo · 03-12-2003, 07:11 PM

oh... good luck cleaning! i finally made some progress there yesterday, the house has really been a shambles. it took me nearly all day just to dust our bedroom, run the sweeper upstairs and down, clean off the dining room table, and mop the kitchen and bathroom floors... took me all day cuz I was moving so slow, not because our house is palaztial or anything. i still have to dust the computer room and living room... at least for now having the carpets swept creates the illusion of a cleaner house.

i'm actually feeling somewhat ok right now, between my venting here and my crying jag... funny how much good a crying jag can do...

katiwren · 03-15-2003, 12:07 AM

Gizmo,

I'm glad you're feeling better. It's amazing how much both venting and crying can help, given how long we hold it in. Sounds like you did really well on the housework. I'm feeling better, but I still can't manage to get the house cleaned. I have to do it soon though, since we apparently have a houseguest next weekend (DH just told me today).

--KT