Some People Just Don't Get It...

RosieCheeks · 10-17-2005, 05:01 PM

My husband and I have been TTC for about 1 year and it has been hard because I was DX with pcos on 7/04 and he has low sperm count. I know we are still young (me -24, DH-30) but i feel this is never going to happen. i hate when family friends see me in the street or at a party and ask me "So when are you going to try to have a baby?" or "What are you waiting for?" they just don't get that they hurt my feeling. i just wished they would mind their own business sometimes. i am tired of hearing that all the time. Don't you think that if we could have babies we wouldn't? everytime they ask, i usually tell them that we are not ready but i feel that we are jinxing ourselves everytime we say that. can someone help me out? what should i try to say to them that would make me feel better?

Jenika21 · 10-17-2005, 05:08 PM

I am also a young cyster TTC and get those comments/questions ALL the time. It really sucks, its like a constant reminder of what I can't seem to have. I always tell people "when god decides to bless us" or if they are a somewhat close friend/relative I might tell them about PCOS and how it may be more difficult. Sometimes I feel like I should send out a memo to all my friends/family/acquantices and brief them on my problem *LOL*

RosieCheeks · 10-17-2005, 05:15 PM

thanks jenika21,
i think i will start saying that the next time someone asks. do you know what is difficult as well? all my friends are pregnant and they share with me all the details and i just get upset and cry to my husband. i know he says that everything is going to work out but sometimes i feel like telling him....i don't believe you.

Jenika21 · 10-17-2005, 05:55 PM

Rasaro- I know exactly how you feel. Since I have started TTC- My stepsister has had a baby, my best friend had one and is PG with #2 and 4 of our "couple" friends have had kids. It is so frustrating! It is so hard to watch their bellys grow, go to their baby showers and watch their kids grow up. My bestfriend got PG the month that we starting trying.....I went to her son's second bday party in July! It was such a happy day for them but, it was kind of depressing for me. I hate to say it but her son is a reminder of what I can't have and how long that I've been trying. Each bday for him is another year TTC for me....its rough. Sorry to hijack your thread with my only little rant but, I definetly know where you are coming from.

enits · 10-17-2005, 06:10 PM

I hear you! Before DH and I were married, the question was "when are you getting married?" After we got married it became "when are you having kids?"

My answer to the last question depends on my mood. When I'm in a good mood, I tell the truth and they usually shut up and become sympathetic. When I'm in a bad mood, my sarcasm comes out and I usually end up feeling bad afterwards. One time this *****y lady asked me that question. I was hungry and irritated about something and I replied with, "That's a personal question. I don't ask you how much money you and your husband make or how often you masturbate!" Oops.

I haven't been sarcastic in a long time and I hope I don't ever do that again.

Maybe you can just say that you and your husband are having some fertility/medical issues and that you're working on it and that it's a rather sensivite subject for you. If they press for more information, give it to them. If not, just leave it at that.

choirmissy · 10-17-2005, 06:24 PM

I feel your pain. I'm 35 & have only been married for 3 years, but my students would constantly ask me. I finally had enough one day and told them that I would love to have a child but medical science and I weren't getting along too well. It got the point across (they meant well) & they've stopped asking (the older ones at least). I agree with enit's advice. If people understand that it's a difficult subject for you, many won't intrude. It seems to be one of those questions that people just naturally ask without thinking (similar to when are you going to get married when you're single). Don't give up hope yet.

Melissa

ERICKA77 · 10-17-2005, 06:27 PM

Yea I understand and totally hear ya.
DH and I have been TTC for 8 years. For 8 years I've watched family and friends have babies after babies. I can't tell you how many times we've got the, "When are ya'll gonna have kids?" question.
It also depends on my mood on how I respond to that question.
Hang in there!!!!

bugs · 10-17-2005, 06:42 PM

People open their mouths before their brain kicks in.

We went through 10 years of that, as soon as we were married it started.

At times, I'd joke "guess we must be doing somthing wrong, can you suggest any instructional videos?". Others I'd just say we are still having fun and havent settled down enough yet. Some knew the story, but very few.

Just before I got pregnant with my daughter, I guess I was oogling a family members toddler too enviously, and the FIL said "why don't you just adopt already". That really hurt.

10-17-2005, 09:13 PM

Yeah it sucks. I will never ask someone if they are having children again! But in 'peoples' defence its asked without thinking, its usually asked to show interest in your life, its done with good intentions. That said, I cannot understand people who continue to ask EVERY time they see you. It shows a complete lack of imagination & its thoughtless. On my GP's advice I now act horrified and say "OMG I can't believe you asked me such a personal question. I'm sorry but that's personal between my husband & I". Sometimes it puts people off (they get really embarassed). But there are those thoughtless morons who do persist in asking!!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!!!

Beckles · 10-17-2005, 09:19 PM

Here is my suggestion, If they are acquaintances or strangers.. I would say as Jenika said"when god decides to bless us" or if they are relatives and friends explain there are fertility issues.

BobbiOh · 10-17-2005, 10:16 PM

I have issues besides PCOS and long ago accepted that I will never have kids. I've since determined that I'm a healthy and whole person without having kids. Now, that I'm almost 40 it's getting really interesting. "Are you trying to have kids?" "No, we're not having children." "Oh, you'll regret that."

Gee, thanks.

RosieCheeks · 10-17-2005, 11:12 PM

Thank you guys for the wonderful advise and i will keep it in mind the next time someone asks me. You guys are sooooo great. I just hope that one day we will conceive and I will shut them up unless they start asking "Well, when are you gonna have your next one?' or "Your baby needs a little brother or sister!" LOL

Allure · 10-18-2005, 12:25 AM

I swear the questions never stop...they just get more personal.
My DH and I recently became pg after ttc and always told the nosy people we weren't ready. When really, we felt that people would judge us since we are young and live in a huge party town. I hate to say it, but when people have found out that I'm pg now, we have said it was a surprise! Which, I kind of think was a mistake because it almost seemed like were weren't ready for it.
Good luck and all the baby dust in the world!

RosieCheeks · 10-18-2005, 11:02 AM

Congrats Allure....i wish you all the best throughout your pregnancy. thanks for the advice everyone.

Sister66 · 10-18-2005, 11:15 AM

I have to tell you this is a no win situation for me. I have always told family members and close friends what the problem was, still I got the looks and questions. Now that we have 2 kids, they ask me WHY we are trying for more?? We are also adopting and people ask me why I want more kids since we already have 2. The comments go from "When are you having kids" to "why do you want more kids? "

Also, once we had #1, people always assumed we had no problem getting pregnant and asked when #2 was coming. (someone even asked while I was in the hospital with #1) So, stupid people don't get smarter, they just ask different questions. Even my mom is guilty, a few weeks ago she said " I didn't know you were still planning to adopt, I thought it was a whim", wtf??

We had gotten into it when she said something along the lines of "in god's timing". I told her I didn't think God was sitting somewhere saying "oh, here's a crack ho that needs a baby", "Oh, Angela? No, she has 2 boys now, we'll make her suffer some more", "oh look, there's a 13yo that needs a kid" etc..