Something's been bugging me

JaneB · 09-12-2005, 07:08 PM

I just can't seem to get this off my mind and I would appreciate some feedback if possible!

I'm 34 and have been diagnosed with PCOS earlier this year. The scan revealed loads of little cysts on both of my ovaries and I've been having other symptoms for some time (i.e. acne, heavy painful AF, etc.)

The thing I can't get off my mind is that when I was 18, I fell pregnant accidentally and to cut a long story short, I had an abortion. Please don't judge me as I've been judging myself ever since. At the time of the operation, it was discovered that I had a cyst (just one) on one of my ovaries and I had to go and get this checked out at the local hospital. I had to go for scans to see if the cyst showed any signs of disappearing on it's own or was reducing in size. After a peroid of time, I was told that the cyst seemed to be going down in size and should not cause me any problems - there was no need to go back. I'd been gaining weight from about that time, but I put that down to being depressed about the pregnancy/abortion. I just can't help thinking that maybe I've had PCOS ever since that very first cyst was discovered all those years ago, but the symptoms are really bad now. Maybe if I had been disgnosed earlier and given help, I would never had developed an eating disorder and my symptoms wouldn't be as bad now. I just can't help but wonder.

I would appreciate any feedback on this as I'm getting myself more and more tied up in knots.

Jane
x

briggy · 09-12-2005, 08:02 PM

Hi JaneB

Firstly don't beat yourself up about having a termination. I don't belive it ever can be an easy desision, and I also belive that it's much better to have an abortion than bring another life into the world that you're not quite ready for.

Regarding your pcos, at the end of the day it's up for the consultant/doctor to diagnose you and let me tell you it's not easy to get them to do that. I've had the symptons for at least the last 5yrs and different Dr's in different areas of the country all fobbed me off and told me there was nothing could be done. It's taken 2yrs of pestering my current Dr to get him to refer me to gyne to get my diagnosis.

My sister who also has lots of symptoms has just been told by her gyne that she can't have PCOS as she's not fat.

My point is there is probably nothing that you could have done differently to make things better than they are, and it is only in very recent yrs that Dr's are willing to treat PCOS in this county.

I hope you are getting all the help and treatment you need and deserve

cazza77 · 09-13-2005, 06:16 AM

Hi Jane

I also think back to years gone by when i first started getting symptoms and the doctor just put me straight on the pill, which didn't help my situation. And for the past few years although they thought I had PCOS nothing was actively done about it.

On the other hand the past is the past, there is nothing we can do to change it. If there is something I have learnt is you must look forward, looking back just makes a bad situation worse by dwelling on the fact.

As for you termination I completely agree with briggy it must have been such a hard decision and no-one has the right to judge you at all.

Take care of yourself

Cazza

PollySis · 09-13-2005, 09:22 AM

Jane

You shouldn't blame yourself for anything. You have done nothing to *give* yourself PCOS, and it sounds like you had it all along. Like many of us here, I had PCOS from the start but wasn't diagnosed with it until I was 30. I think a blood test and a scan are conclusive diagnostic tools but many GPs still don't send us to consultants and specialists fast enough. It's their failure, not your's.

Your weight gain and eating disorders could of course be exacerbated by the really tough time you went through. And to go through that at such a young age (when you were probably polycystic already just undiagnosed) is unbelievably hard. You're a brave, strong woman! Your PCOS wouldn't help, when it came to weight gain, either and I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of undiagnosed younger women who turn out to have PCOS, don't develop eating disorders LONG before they finally get the PCOS diagnosis - as if your body isn't reacting the way it should, when you try to control your weight (plus your emotions are out of kiltre half the time), it's amazing that we wouldn't develop eating disorders, as we try to make sense of the weird things our bodies do in response to food.

You're not alone, and you should never blame yourself. Now you have a diagnosis, and you've found your Cysters, you can find all the info and support to help you deal with things and develop a positive attitude, and look forward, not back. Never blame yourself, love, you were no doubt genetically predisposed to develop PCOS and that's made you open to other bad things happening. Now you know what's going on you can take control and the first step in that is to let go of the blame and see yourself in a positive light - as a strong, brave woman who's made hard chocies and been through a lot more than most other women your age... And come out the other side of it.

So well done, you!

JaneB · 09-13-2005, 09:47 AM

Thanks so much for your replies - it means such a lot to me.

I think you're totally right about not looking back on things, but to look forward. I was on a bit of a downer yesterday. I feel much better today, and the support on here really helps.

Thanks again (must go or I'll be late back for work!)

Jane
xxx

SweetMe · 09-13-2005, 11:13 AM

i fell prgnant at 16, drank n smoked over the christmas, miscarried at 4 weeks, the dr said my liver was hardly functioning cozi had drank so much. so i killed my child....i was scared outta my mind. 4 months later i got diagnosed.

wendsUK · 09-13-2005, 08:03 PM

you shouldnt beat yourself up about ur termination.Noone ever knows how things could of turned out.
Anyways, ur Born with PCOS.. nothing you do contributes to your getting it. its just there.
Before i reached puberty, i was thin. ever since then i have got bigger and bigger and it wasnt till i was 16 that i was properly diagnosed.
since then i have been to 3 gyne's 4 endos and everytime they tell me that i have to loose weight b 4 they will treat my PCOS. but its the PCOS thats made me this big.
altho i have recently lost weight through stress due to my mum dying and spliting with my husband... so stress can help lol
the cysts come and go...me, i have them all the time. my right ovarys deformed and covered in the little buggers. but my left ones not so bad and there has been a time where i have none on there..
have recently started taking provera, as no other drugs have worked.. been on diannette (which on my week free i ended up in A&E haemorraging twice) cytone acetate, metformin, spironolactone, to name but a few.
everyone is different, and everything takes time to try.
if u ever need a chat or a rant about it mail me
wjanes1@hotmail.com
xx

JaneB · 09-15-2005, 06:12 PM

Thanks again for your replies. Sweetme, you didn't kill your child - what happened happened naturally, it wasn't a conscious decision you made - it was devastingly unfortunate, but not your fault. I hope you got the help & support you needed and deserved at the time, and hope you are ok now.

WendsUK, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and your marriage breakdown. It was so sweet of you to take time out to offer me support whilst you are going through such a bad time yourself. Same goes for you - if you need a shoulder, mine are big enough to lean on! Contact me anytime.

I'm really touched by the support shown to me - I check on on this site every now and again, but I always know that if I need to, it's there - in much the same way us cysters are there for each other if needs be. Sometimes, family & friends just don't get it, even though they try to be as supportive as they can, we know what living with pcos is like. I sometimes feel ok and the pcos doesn't rule my life, but at other times I feel like no-one understands. You are all truly amazing. Thanks.

Jane
x

Hamble · 09-24-2005, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneB

I just can't seem to get this off my mind and I would appreciate some feedback if possible!

I'm 34 and have been diagnosed with PCOS earlier this year. The scan revealed loads of little cysts on both of my ovaries and I've been having other symptoms for some time (i.e. acne, heavy painful AF, etc.)

The thing I can't get off my mind is that when I was 18, I fell pregnant accidentally and to cut a long story short, I had an abortion. Please don't judge me as I've been judging myself ever since. At the time of the operation, it was discovered that I had a cyst (just one) on one of my ovaries and I had to go and get this checked out at the local hospital. I had to go for scans to see if the cyst showed any signs of disappearing on it's own or was reducing in size. After a peroid of time, I was told that the cyst seemed to be going down in size and should not cause me any problems - there was no need to go back. I'd been gaining weight from about that time, but I put that down to being depressed about the pregnancy/abortion. I just can't help thinking that maybe I've had PCOS ever since that very first cyst was discovered all those years ago, but the symptoms are really bad now. Maybe if I had been disgnosed earlier and given help, I would never had developed an eating disorder and my symptoms wouldn't be as bad now. I just can't help but wonder.

I would appreciate any feedback on this as I'm getting myself more and more tied up in knots.

Jane
x

Hi Jane,

My heart genuinely goes out to you: you've obviously had a great deal to cope with over the years. I know this is easier said than done but don't beat yourself up over the past. Yes you may well have been suffering with PCOS for sometime without being diagnosed, however the key now is to deal with your symptoms and get the proper support from specialists and family alike.

Good Luck!

Hamble x