Something So Wrong With Just Wanting To Be a Mom? (Just A Big Ol' Rant, Sorry)

tariana · 03-09-2005, 06:10 PM

Sorry for the rambling post -- I just have to get this out somewhere and I can't really talk to DH about it because I'll likely offend him.

I am ready to start on the process of being a mom (through either TTC or adoption) NOW. DH wants to wait until we are more stable financially, which is fine. But when is that going to be? I don't think he understands what I'm feeling entirely -- how hard it is for me to look at women who are pregnant or have children and know that they are better off than I am because they have kids. It's not that I'm unhappy in our marriage -- quite the opposite, actually. DH is wonderful and I love him very much.

It's just that I'm 26, which is quite old for my area of the country to not have kids, and obviously not getting any younger. I'm afraid DH feels I don't appreciate him -- whenever I bring up adoption (we have pretty much decided not to TTC, but I am still not entirely sure I guess) I feel guilty, because he always says that we should enjoy just being us for a while. And while I won't really mind that, I think in the back of my mind I'll always be thinking about starting on adoption or TTC. Sometimes I think I should just forget about it entirely for the two years we most likely have to wait until we were in the "perfect" financial shape. But it seems to be like a scab -- I can't leave it alone. I hear about an adoption program I haven't considered or something TTC-related I haven't thought about yet and I'm back on it again.

We are currently using two methods of birth control -- pills for me, condoms for him, and this seems very much overkill to me. I remember seeing a movie once (it might have been Parenthood, come to think of it) where the mom punched holes in her diaphragm. While I couldn't and wouldn't do that sort of thing to DH (stop taking my pills without telling him, for example) I can understand the desire to.

So I guess I am asking for advice -- what should I do? Just wait until we are the "perfect" time to start trying to be parents? (I don't believe there is such a thing, by the way, so it would be waiting for something that doesn't exist.) Try to convince DH to at least TRY to TTC for a while? Just give up entirely and let DH decide. I feel like it's half my decision since it's my life too.

I don't know. I guess I'm just confused. Anyone feel (or that has felt in the past) the same way?

Jashobeam · 03-09-2005, 06:29 PM

I guess we were switched. DH was ready way before I was to TTC or adopt. I am glad he didn't try to convince me, but just allowed us to get more stable financially before we did have a child. I'm so glad we waited. If DH had pressured me, I think I would not have enjoyed having a baby near as much as I did. I think it's hard on the one who is ready NOW, but as long as both are sure they do want to eventually, I would say wait to bring it up again. You just don't know when your DH will change his mind. I also was very "late" getting PG according to many of my relatives, but it was the perfect time for us. That's just my take on things. HTH

tariana · 03-09-2005, 06:35 PM

Yes, it helps -- any different perspectives on things do.

Thanks.

I'm trying to look at it from DH's perspective too -- and as he is 2 years younger than me that may make some difference too. I really feel my bio clock ticking LOUDLY and I'm not sure his is even running at all. I'm just not sure how I'm going to stand the waiting -- at one time, he agreed to TTC starting in about a year from now, but I think now he's backed that off -- or beginning adoption, whichever we choose -- to more like 2 years from now. I can understand waiting until we are financially better off, but the reality is that I think we would be okay as we are. It might not be easy but we could manage.

Anyway, thanks for replying -- I appreciate it.

~Traci~ · 03-09-2005, 06:56 PM

We started TTC almost 5 years ago. My DH (he wasn't my DH then) didn't willingly do it & kinda went just along w/ it. When it didn't happen right away & we were still at it 4 years later he was very anxious to have kids. He's 2 years older than me & my bio clock was ticking way loud when we first started TTC than his. His feelings were if we had kids then fine, if we didn't it was ok too. Now that he's 31 & we still don't have kids, HIS bio clock is ticking!

We decided after all the heartbreak that we've been through, it was time to adopt. It was already in the "plan" but it was just pushed up a little bit sooner than we thought. I really think it depends on age & how your DH was raised (ie: big family having kids young, only child w/ older parents, etc.) Some guys want kids young but some guys really could wait. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to wait for them but sometimes they have to wait for us.

There really is no "perfect" time to TTC or "perfect" financial outlook, etc. There will always be something that will come up. Believe me, we have family that is poorer than dirt & they have kids coming out all over the place when they can't afford what they already have!

They get by & their kids are perfectly happy. It doesn't matter how much $$ you have or what designer things you can give your kids. Even though we have $, we're still not going to raise our kids to think they have to have every single little thing that comes out just b/c it's new.

In the mean time, you could research everything about adoption that you can find. My computer is full of documents about adoption & different countries, requirements, etc. from the time that we were waiting & deciding what to do.

Sit down & really talk to him about what he would like to do. Listen to what he really has to say. Ask him questions. Don't get defensive or try to convince him to do it your way. There really could be reasons why he doesn't want to TTC or start adoption right now. A lot of guys (& some women for that matter) think that their lives are going to be taken from them as soon as kids come in the picture, whether through adoption or bio.

HTH's & I know the waiting stinks...

Traci

tariana · 03-09-2005, 07:13 PM

Traci,

Thanks for replying.

We have researched various adoption options (well, I have... DH seems interested but in a "in the future" sort of way). And anyhow, we couldn't start that process for quite a while because we haven't been married anywhere near the length of time most countries and agencies seem to require -- two years is the minimum I've found.

Nearly everyone in DH's family got married young and had kids young (his parents are nearly 20 years younger than mine, even though there's only 2 years difference in DH and I) and although they all turned out just fine, all seem to think this is a bad idea.

My mom and dad were married 10 years before they had me. Mom was 32, dad 33. I think money was one of their major motivations for waiting, although my mom had apparently some fertility problems too.

What confuses me about DH's resistance to TTC (well, resistance is probably too harsh a word -- it's more just wanting to go slower than actual resistance) is that I didn't have my last period and we wondered if I might be pregnant. After I took a HPT and got a BFN, DH said he was acutally disappointed that I wasn't pregnant. He said he was actually kind of wishing I was. So that makes me confused.

THanks very much for replying. I'm not sure I'm courageous enough to talk to my DH about this immediately, but I'll try to work up to it. It can't be good for our marriage if this is eating at me.

tinkchen · 03-10-2005, 02:44 PM

First off- I agree with what everyone else has said.

My DH and I knew we were going to TTC pretty much as soon as we were married. At that point we had been on no type of prevention for a year +. Then when we got married and I made an appointment with the Dr. to get my referral to the specialist he got severe cold feet. I think at that point he was still thinking that this was going to be a "normal" and "easy" process. By the end of our first appointment- he realized that this was going to be a process that was unlike anything he had imagined. It was then that he got back on board and recently he has been just as anxious as I am. We have talked Clomid, IUI, IVF etc... as well as a lot about adoption at this point and I am glad that he is behind the whole idea.

The reason that I said this is because we also had a "late" month- when I wasn't on anything and even though he wasn't sure he was ready- he was disappointed it was a BFN. I think with him (and possibly your DH?) it was nerves behind his "i'm not sure I'm ready- that's to bad you aren't preggers" flip-flop. Jeff (DH) has always known he wanted to be a dad- but hasn't had a ton of baby experience and on top of that it was the whole new relationship (we were engaged shortly before) and the what will having a kid do to our lives thing. The short of it was this: his heart said yes, yes, yes and his brain said let's think about this more. If I had been PG then he would have been forced to figure out how to work things out- he wouldn't have to make the decision himself- it would already have been made for him. Maybe that is why the flip-flop with your DH.

My advice to you is three fold. First- explain to your DH how you feel every time you see a woman with children, or you get the news that this cousin/sibling/family member is PG. Get a good conversation going- either in person- or if you are like I am (cry at the drop of a hat) write it down. Second- ask for a timeline. My DH and I just kind of went through this part- we sat down and said by this time if this hasn't happened then we will move to plan B and by this time if this hasn't happened then we will move to plan C. etc... Make a financial plan. How will you know that you are "financially ready" if you don't have one. If it makes you feel better in the mean time start charting your cycle (if you are TTC) or keep researching adoption or both. There are a lot of things that you can do for yourself that will benefit you when you and DH decide to begin. (Health-wise, money-wise etc.) Third- enjoy all the children in your life now, sibling's kids, cousins kids, friends kids etc... they may not be yours to take home- but that means that you can spoil them rotten and not have to deal with the consequences later. =) It may hurt a little bit (or a lot) because they aren't yours but the thing is that they are your loved one's children- and you love them. It isn't right for us to resent that they are not ours (even if it hurts) because then we miss out on part of their lives that personally I am not willing to give up. If I couldn't enjoy my nieces now then I would regret it later for sure.

You know, my English teacher in high-school told me that some of my papers tended to sound preachy. That isn't what I am trying to do here- so I hope you can look beyond any preachy parts to what I am trying to actually say. =)

Good luck to you in your quest- HTH in some small way.

angrypcoser · 03-10-2005, 04:14 PM

Oh my, I can certainly understand sweetie.

I am going to be 31 in April.

My husband and I were married 2 years (back in 1997, so I was 22 fixing to be 23), and I got pregnant in January. It was not planned, but welcomed.

I miscarried 3 days after I found out I was pregnant.

So, in July of 1997, we decided we would start trying to have a baby.

Late October of 1997, I was pregnant again. It appears we have no problem getting pregnant when we decide to try.

However, December of 1997, while BABY SHOPPING, I begin spotting blood, and by mid December, I had miscarried that pregnancy, too.

In 1998, we found out that I had fibroid tumors and PCOS. I have not been treated, past Lupron to shrink the fibroids which have since resumed their pre-treatment size, because insurance would not pay for medicines or treatments related to fertility.

My husband was in the Air Force, and it seemed every time we would get financially ahead, he would get deployed, and the months without pay would set us right back where we started yet again, so I could not pay for any treatments out of pocket.

Now, in 2004, we decided that why would we TTC when there are precious little angels out there NOW that need good mommy's and daddy's to love them, so we decided to adopt.

I have since been terminated from a job due to an OTJ illness, so we cancelled our home-inspection twice, because we are NOT going to adopt a child when we don't even have a savings account.

So, very long story made short...I can understand your husband's point of view. However, let him know this.

#1. If you adopt from DHS (human services) and the child is over 5, many times you can receive a monthly subsidy until the child turns 18.
#2. You may also be entitled to a $10,000 adoption tax credit on your next year's tax return after you adopt your child.

Now, I'm mentioning these things assuming that you might be "comfortable" financially, just concerned about what a child might do to your income.

I am not "comfortable" financially, paying past due utilities because of losing my job, so that is why we're choosing the route we have.

There is an old saying. "If you wait until you can afford children to have children, then you never will."

It's true.

Good luck hon, if you want to talk more, I'll be glad to listen.

Kristi