Sometimes, I don't even want to continue (long)

Beckers · 08-31-2002, 04:05 AM

Hi everyone... this is only my second post on this website, but i have read through everyone elses posts and everyone is so supportive... i need that, very badly.. see, no one knows about my condition.. i am 23, have had a diagnosis since i was 17 and i never told my mom or anyone else for that matter, so i have been dealing with this for a long time by myself and i am sick of it. I want to tell my friends, but i just dont know how to bring it up.. i had my tonsils out 3 weeks ago and i was so upset because some of my closest friends didnt even bother to call me and see how i was... it just makes me so mad... i put myself out for all of my friends and they could give a crap about me.... and, ever since the surgery, i have had trouble sleeping, i have been exhausted and i havent been taking my PCOS meds (gluco XR, spiro, BCPs) because i havent been able to swallow! i have been getting headaches every day... i am stressed with school beginning (i am a second year graduate student)... there are just times when i think it would be easier if i just ran my car off the road, you know?? i hate to be so drastic, but i have thought about it more than once.... no one understands what this feels like except all of you... i havent told my mom because she has her own problems and always has a way of turning someone else's misfortunes into how it negatively affects her and it makes me upset-- and i also don't want her harping over me all the time about what i eat and such -- she is a type 2 diabetic and i am on my way-- but she doesnt watch what she eats, and i dont want her to know about me because she will say "oh poor me, i passed this on to my daughter"-- and i am not exaggerating when i say this... she is really that bad sometimes.... i still live at home also because school is so expensive and i think that that makes it worse also... i think i could tell her if i didnt have to see her every day.. ok, this is getting really long now-- i am sorry-- i just needed to tell someone who understands what this feels like so i dont feel like i am such a crazy person..... thanks for listening if you got this far

becky

santa'sbaby · 08-31-2002, 10:19 PM

I'm glad to see you posting on the board about this. I myself have posted on here, because while I have a supportive DF. I know that there are things in my life that only another woman can understand.
Hey, I also understand what you were saying about your friends not being there for you. I am one who will take care of others while often neglecting my own needs and that comes back to bite me in the ass everytime. I need to be my own friend sometimes because if I was as half as supportive to me as I was to others I would be in a much better head space. The best advice I ever recieved was ........"Start acting like you give a damn about yourself, even if you don't belive you are worthy, start acting like you do and then others will believe it and maybe one day you will."
I hope that you continue to keep us updated on how you are doing. Remeber that you are worth the fight, and you are never short of support here.
Please email me if you want....aprilslater00@rogers.com

Santa

Lendi · 09-01-2002, 12:14 AM

Ok, first I want to say please don't do something like run your car off the road. That isn't an answer. The world needs you in it. This said, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Tonsils being taken out can be pretty rough. I hope you can take your meds now. I think you will feel better when you do, and also when you feel better from your surgery. It sucks that your friends didn't support you. I'm sorry. I hope they had a good excuse. Maybe they were just nervous at seeing you feel yucky. Hang in there and feel free to post anytime you need to. Hugs, Lendi

Elionwhy · 09-03-2002, 01:18 PM

I can totally relate to some of what your saying. I have seriously considered ramming my car into the median on the way home (or to) work many a time.

I know things seem dark. I wish there was something i could say that would shine a light in so that you could see it. These feelings will pass - you just have to survive them (which is often no easy feat). I take a variety of meds for pcos and major depression, which i've had forever.

Have you talked to your friends about your feelings? I know it probably seems very obvious to you that they are being non-responsive but telling them how you feel might help you feel more empowered.

CTCyster · 09-03-2002, 02:38 PM

Becky,

I am glad you have found a source of support here at SoulCysters! I agree that is very helpful to have cysters to share your feelings, joys, sorrows, concerns and questions. We are all very fortunate, indeed, to have each other.

I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed by your symptoms right now. Along with the stress of grad school, it must feel very frustrating at times.

Take a deep breath and try to focus on the good things in life. I am sorry that your mother is not a source of support for you. Give yourself a big old pat on the back for dealing with your own issues well enough to get you this far. Believe me- being able to count on yourself is a great accomplishment.

I hope you're feeling better too- but don't ever feel bad about your feelings- we're all entitled to be honest with ourselves and our cysters- it helps to share.

Hope things are looking up for you soon!
Aimee