I am new here, but have been reading for info since I was dx a few months ago during an IF workup. I know that this is what you are all here for, but I am ashamed to have to ask about this.
Tonight, I sent my husband out to church, knowing that I needed some space to think about a plan... count pills, check knives, etc. I know that some of you stuggle with these types of thoughts with your depression and I could use some help knowing what has stopped them in the past. I know that I am relapsing and I want to get ahead of it before it absolutely snowballs into being in the hospital like it did in Aug. I am scared.
(As an FYI, I didn't end up formulating any plans, just having thoughts.) I am just so tired of the pain of the diseases and the emotional pain of IF. I took a major hit last week finding out again that I wasn't pregnant and had pregnancy announcements two days prior and the day after from people close to my husband and I. I just feel like I am trying so hard to stay ahead of everything. I had prayed the week prior that if I was not meant to be pregnant this month, that God at least give me peace about it this month because I knew then that I was starting into some probs with the depression. It is hard to feel that He cares when this is the response to my prayer. It also doesn't help that I am trying to keep all of this in because I don't want to drag everyone through another episode of depression. My last one was ugly and resulted in an attempt. I just am too ashamed to admit to them that it is coming again. Any thoughts on what has helped you all?
Thanks!
I can understand totally about the baby announcement issue. Most of our friends started trying to get pg when we did and now they have 1 or 2 kids. Our new friends (we moved) are now starting to get pg. I work at a daycare (which can be depressing at times) and the lead teacher in the room that I work in is now pg. She is a loud mouth at times and loves to talk about it. I struggle through a day's work. I've tried to help her understand my struggle. She doesn't. It makes me sad some days to just go to work. Sometimes when my friends get pg, I stop hanging out with them. I congratulate them, but I seem to drop off the face of the earth. It's not because I'm mad at them. I'm just so bummed about it that I can't deal with it. Holidays are hard too. My husband doesn't really think it's a problem and doesn't really understand. I don't think he really wants to be a parent yet. We may not be financially stable, but I still want to be a mom. Only other cysters can understand that I believe. But hang in there. I understand your pain.
__________________ Mandi (29) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Shoha (21) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Metformin ER @ 500mg
Spironalactone @ 50mg
Women's Multivitamin
Are you seeing a therapist? IF is enough by itself to warrant one, and every step of the IF way we've been offered the chance to see a therapist. Even if you think you can't afford one, you can-- it is worth making sacrifices for, and if you're near a university or teaching hospital, you can usually find one for free or for a sliding scale. Therapy has helped many many people out of their depression. Additionally, if you're not on an anti-depressant, you should talk it over with your GP or therapist-- they can make a world of difference once you find the right one. Not all of them can be taken while pregnant, but talk to your doctor about what can.
Finally, look for a suicide hotline in your area in case of emergency-- whatever state you're in should have a number you can find through google. Keep it close to you for if/when you ever need it.
Good luck! Depression is difficult to cope with and it takes a lot of fighting to overcome it, but it is well worth the fight.
When I get at my worst, I think of how I felt when my brother tried to commit suicide. And I think of how devastated my best friend was when his father did commit suicide. It brings me back every time.
Thanks guys!
I do see both a therapist and a psychiatrist. I also take Welbutrin. My psych offered to up it last week, but it causes issues with anxiety and I do not want more of that since I can't take my Xanax due to trying to get pregnant. And I can't take SSRI's d/t nasty reaction... panic attacks and markedly increased suicidal thoughts (that's when I had an attempt). Kinda a mess, but whacha gonna do.
Does anyone know if Glucophage helps decrease their depression? I know it is not an antidepressant, but since it helps control the PCOS, does having that under control make the depression better?
I hate being new to all of this!
Thanks
I too was on Welbutrin for a while. It stopped working for me after some time and I was having suicidal thoughts more often. My Dr. changed to me another anit-depressant, (Lexapro) and then put me on Trazadone to help me sleep. Come to find out that all my symptoms put together and I got a diagnosis of Bi-Polar disorder. I don't know how I feel about that, but it's nice to have a name to put to everything.
I am alot further down the road than you are. My husband and I were never able to have children, despite 10 years of ongoing fertility treatmeants. If I had it to do all over again, I don't think I would have gone through all that. It seemed to be harder on me every month that I wasn't pregnant, and that was all I focused on. I had more suicide attempts during that time, than at any other.
I have finally come to realize that I will never have children (sigh), but I'm a great "mom" and "grandma" to my friends kids. I make a difference in their lives and they are just like my own. (I even get mother's day cards from them!!) They fulfill me.
I'm sure, you will find peace about this one day, and hopefully you will have a baby of your own. But, until you feel good about yourself, maybe you should just give the fertility treatments a rest for a while, and just have fun making love with your husband because you want to, not because you're supposed to.
Sillie-
I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I cannot imagine from the experiences that I have had continuing for 10 years. I feel like a time bomb ticking though and stopping fertility tx for a bit until my depression is more controlled I think would be even more stressful. I have endo along with my PCOS and my endo has been aggressive with a lot of scarring already at age 27. I constantly am aware that each month that goes by without pg is another month the endo has to spread. It is like a constant war with my body. I don't know what to do about the depression though because I cannot keep going on with the suicidal thoughts. Thankfully my husband is on his way home because I have finished with my things and am very afraid to have time on my hands. The thoughts are never far right now, and quiet time seems to go down hill quickly. Ugh! Do you really ever find peace with all of this?
Please don't apologize for asking for a little help hon, it's what we are here for
I never had issues with my not being able to have children because of being told at a young age, I believe, but my aunt had a horrible time. She has PCOS (although way back then they just told her "you don't ovulate") and tried so desperately for years to have a child. She still can tear up over it and she's in her late 50's now, but she's definitely found peace. She is quite religious and figures that "The Good Lord knew what he was doing when he didn't give me that child, even though I wanted them so badly". She ended up with many health problems (many related to her untreated PCOS, sadly) and she doesn't believe she could have raised a child properly. She just puts her trust in what she feels was God's decision not to give her children.
As far as suicide, that I can relate to. I actually tried numerous times when I was younger using various methods. It only made myself more depressed that I couldn't even kill myself right! But then I survived a very severe car accident where I was thrown from the vehicle. I began to form a belief that it is not under my control when my time will be up. What sealed it was meeting a man with literally half of his head missing because when he tried to shoot himself the gun slipped sideways. If that man could survive that, the chances of my actually being able to do it and not just make my life worse than it was were very slim. I have nerve damage in one arm from the cutting and a slight speech impediment from trying to OD on my father's blood pressure medication. Each time I tried things got worse and not better. This "cured" me of suicidal thoughts completely. I just don't want to chance making my life even worse and hurting those that care about me. I will admit that sometimes I wish it would just "stop", but I'm not in any danger of actively trying to make it stop.
I hope things get better for you hon. ((((hugs))))! Depression is such a horrible disease and I hope your psychiatrist can find the right meds to help you and that your therapist will help support you along the way.
Dana
__________________ Me (33)/Michael (3o) Together for almost nine long, happy years!
First PCOS dx: 1989 Supplements: One A Day Weight Smart, B Complex, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid (B5), B12, Saw Palmetto, Vit C, Vit D3, NAC, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Chromium Piconolate, Cinnamon, Magnesium, EPO, Zinc Gluconate, Green Tea Diet: "Modified" Zone plan
"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her" -Anon.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Re: suicidal thoughts.
Three things
1. The bad feeling will pass, it might not go way but it will ease. The feeling is temporary. Wait an hour, wait a day.
2. You don't want your life to end, what you want is for the pain to end. You want relief from the pain, not relief from your life.
3. I try to view depression as a 'thing' that I'm fighting. I keep saying this is not me, this is the disease, this is not me, I will not give into it. Almost like the depression is a cancer or something. I just keep punching.
{{{{HUGS}}}}}
And remember you are not alone, you have your cysters. By the way Im also ttc#1 with depression/anxiety, pcos & endo.
I might not be with you physically but I'm there in spirit!
Thanks guys!
I do see both a therapist and a psychiatrist. I also take Welbutrin. My psych offered to up it last week, but it causes issues with anxiety and I do not want more of that since I can't take my Xanax due to trying to get pregnant. And I can't take SSRI's d/t nasty reaction... panic attacks and markedly increased suicidal thoughts (that's when I had an attempt). Kinda a mess, but whacha gonna do.
Does anyone know if Glucophage helps decrease their depression? I know it is not an antidepressant, but since it helps control the PCOS, does having that under control make the depression better?
I hate being new to all of this!
Thanks
How old are you? Wellbutrin is known to cause an increased risk of suicidal thoughts in certain people. I used to take it, and it messed me UP.
I am 27. I have been on the welbutrin for about 4months already though. Would it cause probs that far out? When the suicidal thoughts happened with the Lexapro, it was only in a matter of a couple of weeks. I had been feeling the best I had in a long time with the Welbutrin up until a couple of weeks ago.
I am 27. I have been on the welbutrin for about 4months already though. Would it cause probs that far out? When the suicidal thoughts happened with the Lexapro, it was only in a matter of a couple of weeks. I had been feeling the best I had in a long time with the Welbutrin up until a couple of weeks ago.
I honestly don't know. I hope you start to feel better soon, though! At least you recognize what is going on. You don't need to be ashamed about what you are going through, either. Hang in there and like others have said, keep fighting, because it is worth it.
Have you been feeling any better at all since you first made this thread?
Thinking about how much pain and suffering I would cause to all the people who I know really when I'm being sensible care about me and love me, stops me from ever considering that I'd actually do it.
Although I do have thoughts and imagine how I'd do it, my family in my thoughts bring me back down.
You just have to force yourself to remember that no matter how low you feel some people really do care about you and you just cant do that to them
Um... I am feeling better off/on. This morning I got up and was doing pretty well. But, as typical for me,the later in the day it gets, the worse I get. On my way home from work, another wave of thoughts hit again pretty intensely. I am sitting here alone, and I am definately aware of the them. I am trying to ignore them for now and keep myself distracted, but it gets tiring. I hate this. It's like there are two people living inside of me, one who desperately wants to end it all and another who has to use a lot of energy fighting with the other to keep me safe. I don't know how to explain it. It is so odd how much the intensity of the thoughts can vary. I don't know. Thank you guys for your input and support though.
sorry, could use some help 
