splitting sibs?

LacyM · 07-17-2003, 12:13 AM

We currently have 3 foster children. We had the entire sibling group of 4 from Feb-June 2003. We currently have the 3 youngest children ages 2 (boy) , 4 (boy) and 5 (girl). Their big sister (half sib) is now with a relative. This was the county agencies choice. DH and I wanted her to stay. The county worker said today that they are planning to file for PPC (permanent custody) in September if things have not significantly changed at the bio home. The kids would be available for adoption a short time after that.

My question is this.... Do you think it is terrible to separate siblings? The family who has their older sister would like to adopt only the 2 girls. We would love to adopt all 4 but financially we can not have four children and continue to adopt from Vietnam or TTC later on. We would love to adopt only the boys, but I think it is in their best interest to keep all 4 together if they can. These children have been in foster care (we are the 4th home)for a total of 26 months and so far have stayed together. It has been hard on the younger kids since their sister left. I love all of these kids and want only what is best for them. Even if that means letting them go to a good adoptive home. I just don't know what to think. The social worker is considering letting them be split up. What do you think. I am just praying that whatever happens will be GODS will and that the right decision be made.

Thank you,
Lacy

rachelmichellek · 07-17-2003, 03:01 PM

This is just from what I have read, but I think siblings should be kept together as much as possible. However, sometimes I have read that they are separated because they are too cruel to each other, like there is just too much context of the abuse from the first home that comes along with their behaviors and they don't, for instance, want an older sib to be beating up a younger sib or something like that. So in those instances I can see having to separate them and only see each other on special occasions. But no, I think it is sad when the workers and agencies just split them up for what seems to me to be administrative convenience.

In this particular situation you've described, if one family took the girls and you took the boys (are there 2 of each, then?), I don't think it would be TOO terrible, if contact could be maintained among all the sibs. No one would be the "single kid out" because there would be two pairs, plus the contact between all I think would be imperative. But of course ideally I would root for one family taking them all. Do you and this other (relative) family get along? Do you live nearby each other?

LacyM · 07-17-2003, 04:17 PM

Thank you so much for the replies... I too think the siblings should stay together. It is not my decision to separate them. I think the only reason they split them initially is that the older sister went to paternal family (she is a half sister). Dh and I do get along with the other family and could have them together on holidays and social events. I am so attached to all of them I think it will be hard to keep them until an adoptive home is found and then let them go. We will just keep praying that the right thing happen for all of the children.

Jamie- good luck finding your siblings. I have recently found out I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters I do not know. I would like to make contact with them, but am going to wait until they are a bit older. I was "reunited" with my oldest brother when I was 16 and it was very hard for me. Although now he and I are very close. I even have a beautiful 5 year old niece who is the light of our lives and was brought to us through adoption.

Thanks,
Lacy

Angelarock · 07-18-2003, 01:09 PM

I'm a foster mom to three boys also, plus one daughter. We're in the process of adopting the boys, does your state offer some kind of financial assistance for adopting a sibling group?

LacyM · 07-18-2003, 11:58 PM

Angela,

I talked to the social worker yesterday at our weekly home visit. And she said they are going to definitely file for PCC in September. She feels they will get it if they are in front of the same magistrate who has had the case for the last 26 months. However, I was told at a foster care class last night (by a children's services lawyer) that PCC is taking anywhere from 1-3 years to get. The children are just staying in foster care that entire time. The do try to place them in a foster to adopt home and in "most" cases that is the family who adopts them. We are foster to adopt and if we have the kids for that long, we will not be able to let them go. As far as financial assistance I am not sure. They do offer subsidies in some cases. She did not mention if they would be available for these children. I never came right out and asked her. I get so funny when I talk about money

I did mention that if DH and I did consider adopting them, we would have to take a good look at our resources and also that we had terrible health insurance. I was hoping that would spark the conversation, but it didn't. I guess now I feel better knowing we have some time and they will not be leaving as soon as PCC is filed. I have a feeling (after only 2 days of praying) that these are our forever children.

Lacy
PS. Good luck with your adoption. How is it going so far? How old are your boys?

Angelarock · 07-21-2003, 05:51 PM

Our adoption is going pretty well so far. I have a little difficulty with the birthfamily, they still have contact with the boys once or twice a month which I don't think is healthy, but the termination of rights hearing is coming up in october, so we don't have much longer to wait. The boys will officially be placed for adoption in september, hopefully we'll have things finalized by spring of next year. In california, the state only has 18 months to come up with a permanent plan, either adoption, permanent guardianship or returned to the birthfamily. I am glad of that, otherwise I think the abusive birthfamily(who are very hostile to us) would drag this out forever.

Our boys are all full blood brothers, ages 6,4,and the baby is almost 2. They were my first placement, so I don't know what it's like really to lose one, but we're hoping after the adoption to either concieve, or continue with foster/adopt to build our family. I have a daughter also who is 6 and is just thrilled to have brothers to play with.

money is such a funny thing isn't it. You feel odd talking about it because people might think you're doing it ONLY for the money, but really, financial concerns are a legitimate issue when you're talking about doubling your family size.

LacyM · 07-22-2003, 12:01 AM

I am glad to hear your adoption is going so well. Your boys are about the same age as our foster children. We have girl 5 and 2 boys ages 4 and 2. They are all full blood siblings as well. They are so cute, wonderful children and so much fun

I know what you mean about the birth families. It can be so difficult to deal with them. Or kids family is terrible. They still have contact with the kids every week, if they decide to show up! I send the kids with a transporter every Monday and Tuesday morning (mom and dad have separate visits) and 95% of the time they are home half and hour later because no one showed up. It is sad really that they have to go through that every week.

As far as the money thing goes. It is funny how you feel like everyone thinks you do it for the money if you mention it. But it is far from that. You do not get that much

But you are right it is a big concern. We will be going from a family of 2 to a family of 5 in a matter of a months.

It sounds like Ohio is a little different then California. They have to be in care for 22 months before they can even file for PCC. They can file for TCC immediately and that gives a birth family 1 year to get things together and follow the case plan. this is the 3rd time they have had TCC of these children and the parents never finish (or even follow) the case plan.

I wish you luck with your adoption and with continuing to build your family. We plan to pursue international adoption from Vietnam when the program re-opens. I got a very promising update from our agency today. I would also love to pursue IVF in the future.

Lacy