Stacys Depression page :)

StacyLynn719 · 02-19-2003, 05:54 AM

I suffer from anxiety quite frequently. most recent panic attack being like three hours ago. ive lived with depression since i was 12. there have many times i thought about killing myself. i would always ask the same question. Why cant i be normal? the facial hair is a big part of my depression i feel like a freak. in some of my weaker moments i have cut. cutting isnt something that im proud of. for those who dont know what cutting is its self mutaliation it was an easy escape for my pain. i was hospitalized for it because i was doing it quiet alot and they didnt want me to *accidentally* cut my wrists or something. im happy to say i havent cut now in over a year but its hard not too..with everything going on in my life rite now i would love to start cutting to take the edge off my pain away again. i had made an appointment with the psychatrist but that appointment was cancelled i have to reschedule but i made that appointment in January and i wasnt to be til the 20th of febuary... im just glad i have friends online who will listen to me when i need them because my mom doesnt understand alot of this depression. i hide alot from her. im at the point (again) that i dont care for anyone or anything but im scared to death of whats going to happen to me. the word Cancer has came up twice with my doctors...they told me if i dont get my monthlys straightened out there is a possiblilty that i could end up with cancer...i recently lost my grandfather to cancer and the feeling of knowning it can happen to anyone is still there with me and i get panicy at night and i have a hard time sleeping. I went to see a pill consultant over a year ago and he put me on Paxil i stayed on them for almost a year he said i was improving and that we could gradually step down on my dosage...i did that im off paxil but there are times when im positive i should still be on them. I was never a normal happy person but its gettin to where i dont wanna even be alive anymore..Yet when i thinkabout killin myself it doesnt bother me...when i have a panic attack and think im dying im scared really scared. i dont understand it. i have major trouble sleeping at night or any time its wearing me down big time. im only 20 but i feel like im going on 50. ok im sorry for posting again but i wanted to get it all out

Celtic Girl · 02-19-2003, 06:11 AM

Hi StacyLynn,

(((((((((((((((Bighugs))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry to say, that I know that feeling. When I was 18, I also started cutting. This carried on for a few years, luckily my parents are very perceptive and very understanding. Still today, though I am a lot better than I was then, mainly because of my faith, I have days when I wonder about the point of it all, and it’s a struggle not to start cutting again – but it does get easier, promise!

I find it helps not to be alone – not necessarily among people who expect a conversation, but to be with a friend who understands if you don’t feel like talking, or just where other people are.

If you want to talk feel free to mail me (zworwood@saz.net) or to pm me.

Here some thoughts to give you a little bit of encouragement!

Think about this... You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

StacyLynn719 · 02-19-2003, 04:30 PM

Thanks its nice to know i wasnt the only one cutting i mean i know there are others who cut but none that i can actually talk too. i really dont have anyone talk to talk to about this. no one understands and when i tell them they look at me like im a big freak. Freak..ive been tryin not to be one look or act..its hard

santa'sbaby · 02-19-2003, 11:18 PM

I am sorry that you are going through such a struggle with all of this. You are not alone in your fight to keep your head above water. There are days that I fight myself to get in the shower and get on with my day. It's hard to face the world and there are days when it is hard to look at myself.

I try to remember that I am a worthwhile person with a good heart. I encourage you to be kind to yourself and remember the good points about you too. This site is a good support system, use it. Read the research articles and talk about your feelings. It is so worth the effort.

I hope this passes soon for you and it will believe me. I look forward to hearing from you again. Letting us know how you are doing.

April

Lendi · 02-20-2003, 02:14 AM

I'm truly sorry you are having a tough time. But, you should be so proud of yourself for having control over your life and not cutting. I'm incredibly phobic of needles and cuts, so I have to admit I don't know what you're feeling when you cut. My control come from not sleeping, I guess. At least according to my Dr. there is a psychological reason for why I don't allow myself to sleep. So maybe it's similar. But, anyway, I did want you to know that I do care and that I'll be thinking and sending strengthening vibes your way. If you feel you should still be on an anti-depressant and you felt better when you were on it, please discuss this with your Dr. You should not have to suffer needlessly. Also, wanted to say that I'm sorry about your grandfather. You have a lot you're dealing with right now. Hugs, Lendi

StacyLynn719 · 02-21-2003, 08:16 PM

thanks all....its nice to know there are people out there who know what im going through and understand it. I still havent been sleeping..well i have but only with a nerve pill and then i feel all drugged up after a few hours of sleep, and now im out of those pills so tonights gonna be tough to get through. i hope i can sleep. anyway i got off my train of thought there i was thankin yall for your support

i wish i could talk to my mom about this but i dont want to burden her with this again. she just doesnt understand....

Lendi · 02-21-2003, 10:45 PM

Stacy, if you are out of your normal meds and can't get more, try a benedryl or tylenol pm. Those are the first things the sleep disorder Dr. said to try before prescriptions. Also a warm bath, some milk might help. Good luck and sweet dreams, Lendi

EppyStJust · 02-22-2003, 06:32 PM

Celtic Girl,

I happened upon this post and when I read those 15 comments you had written down, they brought a smile to my face. Each and every once of those is true. You have helped pull me out of my funk. I thank you.

=),
Eppy