missmelanie23

So over a month ago my partner and I broke up. I have been absolutely devisted since... Thinking suicidal thoughts, invisionning it - images so clear in my mind that I could even see the suffering that my body would go through, see myself thinking about the why as well as seeing myself just dozing into that deep sleep never to get up.

It was an out of body experience that I really cannot describe the feelings it brought to me... That night I told my ex(as we were still living together) to take away anything sharp that was in my reach and hide it. I had just been mortified by my thoughts and visions. I took courrage and asked for help.

So no, officially diagnosed as depressive - caused by my hormone imbalance (apparently) They've changed again my medication to reduce the effoxor to 225 as 300 was too much and now added 250 of Epival - a mood stabilizer.

Now my ex accuses me of being stalker-ish with the fact that its been 4 days since we officially parted ways and I've called her and texted her to let her know some of her stuff had been mixed in with mine.

She now considers me a stalker and extremely obsessed over her. I just don't understand. I don't see this behavior in me. Is this denial or what? What is it about me that makes me seem so damn horrible? So terrible in a way that I'm being accused of such things.

I can't handle this... I can't handle this break-up thing anymore. I'm still so totally head over heals for my ex. I miss her terribly but to the point of becoming overly obsessed and stalking her? Oh god... Could she be right? What the heck am I becoming?

Sometimes I think that maybe I should of just done the deed and be done with it. Then no one... would have to put up with my and this drama story of mine and every little problem that comes with me.

Someone help.... please... I'm seeing my doctor on monday but I just need some guidance to hold me up til then. I really can't believe what she's saying and I can't stand to still be here if its true!

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Mélanie
St-Colomban, Quebec - Canada
Age 29, Diagnosed at age 14;

[font="Trebuchet MS"]Medication:
100mg Aldactone
1500mg Metformin
8mg Conversyl
25mg Chlorthalidone
225mg Effexor (300mg was way too much - side effects were... not tolerable)
NEWLY ADDED April 11th 08 Epival - as a mood stabilizer.

brizluvbenzmom

Please don't do anything to harm yourself! I lost my sister-in-law last year to suicide and it has been such a difficult year for all of us who love her. I wish she would have reached out like you are. You are being brave just by admitting what is going on. Can you get in any sooner to see your doctor?
As much as you love your ex, she is not the answer to all that is going on with you. Be patient, get help and know that I am praying for you.

missmelanie23

Thank you!!!!

Unfortunately that was the earliest my doctor could accomodate as she works in two different clinics. I'm waiting to see her. I do not want to stop treatment because I know I need it. Its a promise I made to my ex.

I just still cannot believe how that experience has affected me. When times get really tough, i go back to that vision and its like I have no way of controlling it. Part of me wants to end it all, but the other part of me wants to keep fighting. I feel so lost right now - like there's no reason to get up in the morning anymore.

This is the worst it's been in years and I have no idea how to cope with it, deal and heal all at the same time.

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Mélanie
St-Colomban, Quebec - Canada
Age 29, Diagnosed at age 14;

[font="Trebuchet MS"]Medication:
100mg Aldactone
1500mg Metformin
8mg Conversyl
25mg Chlorthalidone
225mg Effexor (300mg was way too much - side effects were... not tolerable)
NEWLY ADDED April 11th 08 Epival - as a mood stabilizer.

ChrissyJo

Hi missMelanie,

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I don't know your relationship or your history but just from my own experiance, she could just be saying that to try to hurt you or to make it easier for her to push you away. It always hurts to have to face life with out someone you love. I have had to do it many times each of then hurt so bad. I have done the deed. last September, was the last time. My nephew 17 who i had been raising and big part of all of his life and I got into a huge argument because he was abusing drugs heavily lying and wanted to be out of my life forever. It hurt so bad. this was the child that i got a chance to raise because I can't have children and he had no parents and I failed so miserably to the point where he hated me and wanted my gone forever. I grabbed my bottle of Vodka and every pill i could find in my apartment. Locked myself in he closet and downed it all at once. It was a horrible night. I was in and out of concienceness. My fiance' kicked in the door to the closet drug me out, then I came to when the paramedics were there and asking all their questions, then being loaded into the ambulance, When I got to the hosptal I was given a shot to keep me awake. I had police officers at my door way until a nurse told someone to move me out into the hall becuase they needed that room for someone who wanted to survive. This entire time I saw my fiance' starring at me with tears in his eyes. All he could say is that he wished I loved myself as much as he loves me. I had to drink a nasty milkshake. I don't even know why they call it a milkshake it is more like drinking cement. I twisted and screamed all night from the pain from my insides trying to deal with all I shoved in. Doctors and nurses treated me like crap. I don't blame them, they see all of these people coming in who are fighting to live and there I am trying to die. A counselor came to my bed in the hall in the morning and asked me 200 questions and threatened to admit me to a mental health clinic if I did not get more positive. i agreed to anything as long as I didn't have to feel the humiliation and remourse I was feeling. So every time I get down and think about the suicide I remember this last time and how utterly stupid I felt and how the hospital staff acted toward me when they are fighting to save lives and i was trying to take mine.

I'm sure in the end no matter how this goes for you, your ex-partner just wants you to love yourself. Who knows what waits for us around that corner, there could be someone who needs you like you need them or maybe even a long nice relaxing single time where you get to enjoy yourself and who you are for a while.

If you should get down on yourself and think about taking your own life, drive yourself to the ER. Please. Let the professionals help you. They rather help stop you then try to revive you.

Yours is a beautiful perfect life. You are here for a reason. You are loved.
These are the things my therapist told me to say to myself when feeling like that.
If nothing else after you say them a few times they make you laugh at how corney it is and then you dismiss the ideas anyway.

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I realize I will never look in the mirror and see the me that I see in my head, but I wish other people could see the me that the mirror does not show.
Other diagnoses, Diabetes II, Bipolar, IBS, NASH

The
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Love of my Life Jesse, my dogs and birds get me through.

SnowFlower

Hugs!!!!! I agree if it gets really bad call 911 or go to the ER. I hope you feel better soon and I am sorry I dont have any real advice to give. Just know you are a strong woman to admit you need help and you want help.

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eeyore1978

I hope things are starting to look up for you since you wrote this post. I'm sure that your ex is just trying to make herself feel better about the situation by making you seem like the bad person. If I were you, I wouldn't send her any more messages or anything, though, so she cannot accuse you of being a stalker and make you feel badly about yourself. Remember that for the one person who walked away, there are a hundred more you would hurt if you ever did anything to yourself. Hang in there!!!

R0xyg4l

I can relate to what you're going through in an aspect. It's really scarey to have such thoughts esp that are so realistic. Whatever you feel for your ex you can certainly have again with someone else. Nothing is worth ending your life over... thought it may not seem like it, you have a lot to live for. If you need someone to talk to please let me know!

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