stalled

Sherri75 · 03-21-2004, 11:11 PM

I've posted here once before about DH's reluctance to adopt, but I guess I need to update the situation. My RE wants to move on to IVF at this point and is not offering any alternatives. He wants me to have a lap done ASAP to see if I have endometriosis and because my left ovary is above my uterus, which would make it difficult to do ER. I plan to have the lap done in June but don't want to pursue IVF. DH agrees with this and agrees with adoption. However, I just don't think he has come to terms with the fact we may never have biological children.

A good friend sent me the book, Surviving Infertility. It has been a great help to me and I feel like I am at the point that I really want to adopt. DH says he doesn't want to "jump into anything." He says there's no rush. I've explained to him the process of adoption and how long it can take. He says he's not in a hurry. What really bothers me it that even though I can deal with not having biological children, the thought of not having any children for several more years really hurts. It's bad enough that I can't get pregnant, but now when I've found a solution, DH just stalls. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to wait forever. I've never been a patient person and we've been TTC since July 2002.

Anyways, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it right now.

Lisa2008 · 03-22-2004, 01:01 PM

im sorry you are in a state of limbo. there was a time that i was ready to adopt before dh was and it was really frustrating.
i like you, used the time to read and learn as much as i could about all the options.
share what you learn with dh. suggest he read the book your friend gave you, and possibly see if you could get in contact with a family in your area who has choosen adoption to create a family. he may change his mind seeing how happy and normal the family is.
there is really no use pushing him to do something he is not ready for, your child will feel it when they grow up, and that could be very damaging to the child and the family.
it is a very unique process for everyone, and he will have to come to terms with it in his own way.
it does sound like you are on the right track though, keep reading and researching. best of luck to you

spookycyster · 03-22-2004, 05:37 PM

hello,

It's so hard sometimes to be on the same page at the same time with our spouses, isn't??? Ugh. Dh was initially the same way. We had just failed our second IVF cycle and he was ready to jump into cycle #3, because three times the charm, right? I wasn't ready to go thru another cycle--I was ready to be a mom, regardless of how that baby came into our lives! One thing that really helped dh was to meet with others who had adopted children. It really opened his eyes to a new possibility for us--growing our family thru adoption. He realized he wanted to be a parent more than he wanted a pregnancy. Dh absolutely adores ds! He is a very proud papa, no doubt about it!! It does not matter that this child is not biologically related to us one bit--he is OUR son. Ours forever.

Another book I would recommend is "Adopting after Infertility" by Pat Johnston. That book really helped me.

Best of luck to you guys....just keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. You'll work thru this and figure out what is best for both of you.

DolciLady · 03-24-2004, 01:56 PM

Oh this sounds so familiar. When I was ready to jump on the adoption bandwagon, Derek wasn't. He wasn't against it, he just wasn't "ready" to jump in. He used to repeatedly say he just didn't know if he could love a child that wasn't "his". He wants kids SOOO badly, so I felt safe enough to use subterfuge.

Well, I did what any good wife would do. LOL

I at least got out of him if he had any idea if he would want to adopt domestically or internationally. Since he has Panamanian roots, I kinda figured he'd lean towards international.

So, sneaky wife that I am...I got on the horn and called every agency I could find that did Panamanian adoption and requested info packets. I read them all, then left them lying in the open. I didn't talk about it much except to say that I was just getting info. You can do the little-wifey-lie and say it's to help YOU consider this option more fully.

I caught him picking up a packet one day. I didn't make a big deal out of it, tho my heart was soaring. He asked a question or two and I knew then that I had him.

He got ready fast then and within a couple weeks we'd submitted our contract to an agency. Within a week of that, we'd already painted the nursery. haha

When he caught the bug, he caught it bad. I think most men need a gentle nudge. This is a big emotional deal, and as we know, men are notoriously slow at dealing with their own emotions.

C'mon now and think. How do you usually get your way when he's sluggish? hehe If you're like me, you put the idea out there once or twice then drop it. Suddenly he thinks it was HIS idea and you silently pat yourself on the back. hehehe

Go me!!!!!!!!!!
Robin