Still around, just a vent...or something?

ReneeBeth · 05-02-2006, 02:25 PM

I was supposed to have some funky bloodwork done this morning, I forgot what it is, but they said it would take several hours because they have to draw blood at intervals (no, not anything relating to glucose/insulin, it's for a enzyme or hormone). Anyway, I was supposed to be going to that appt at 9am, but I was supposed to fast. Yeah, I woke up at 3am, and ate. I forgot about the test

So I need to call later and reschedule the appt.
I have been bad with keeping appts lately, mostly because I'm usually too tired to do anything. Grr. Figures, the one day I'm awake and I screw it up by eating!
Yesterday I went to a ENT (ear-nose-throat) and after sticking a fiber-optic cam up my nose and down my throat (highly suggest avoiding this), she said she's going to take my tonsils out and do a biopsy of something or another. Problem is, I have to get my hematologist to clear me for surgery. Right now, I know I can't because my anemia is bad again. My hematologist is out for a month now, too, because she's having surgery. I have an appt with her June 21st, so it looks like my tonsils will not be coming out until July. Oh well, not in a hurry to deal with that. They are afraid of bleeding issues, so they said it will not be outpatient as it usually is, and I'll likely be stuck in the hospital for a 3-5 days. That is not normal for just getting tonsils out. GRR!

I am getting really pissed/frustrated with my Drs. They can't seem to figure anything out, and readily throw labels at me that make their job easier. I am tired all the time and sore, so they throw fibromyalgia and chronic-fatigue at me. They find out I have a low blood supply, and they rule out a bunch of causes, but after 3 months, they have no idea why I don't make enough blood.

Shutting up about that. Sorry, I'm just pissed off because they haven't done anything to help me feel better, and still aren't sure what is wrong.

But it's May. I am not going to enjoy this month. May 21st is 1 year since I lost Ari. May 24th, my birthday, is 1 year since I buried Ari next to Daniel. My birthday will always be a horrible reminder from now on. I hate that. I'll be crying all day.

I have yet to find a single decent guy out there. I don't even want to get into that. But I'd like to try to have another baby, and I don't see myself ever getting that chance again.
My xhusband is a bum, who got the little girl he cheated on me with pregnant. Yeah, another teenage accidental pregnancy...and this is the chick that once told me my son Daniel died so she can be with MY husband. WTF? I'm hoping to never see my xhusband again, because he always feels he's better off now because she has been able to carry his child, unlike me.

Whatever.

Nothing is going well. Everyone tells me it will get better. I remember them saying that after I lost Daniel. Since then, it has gotten worse and worse. When is it supposed to be getting better?
I dread to think of what crap will happen to me next.

I miss my sons every day. I still just wish I could hold them one more time.

Aprile78 · 05-02-2006, 06:23 PM

oh Renee - praying for you

SheriKCMO · 05-02-2006, 10:11 PM

Renee, I'm sorry your health is a mess. That has to make grief harder to get through. You are dealing with two losses in a row. Having things get better over time is twice as long for you, so please hang in there. I hope that you have better health and another chance for a family to raise someday, because it does help in many ways. It's not everything, because it reminds me more precisely what I've missed.

I wish you the most peaceful May you can muster. It is definitely hard to get through the special dates! Try to get someone to go with you to the cemetery and have a chat with your boys. It is always very settling for me, anyway.

Best wishes!

onelittleyogi · 05-08-2006, 02:27 PM

Renee, I am sending a big cyber-hug your way, and hope that your medical issues will be resolved so you can start feeling physically better.

As far as getting better as time goes by....well, I am currently miscarrying my 2nd child, so I can't speak to losing one to death just yet. My first was severely disabled by misdiagnosed meningitis at 4 months, and I can tell you that its not as simple as just waiting for time to pass.

Here is my take on it: As you go through your life after your losses, you will slowly adapt to the crap that life has flung upon you. You will learn to have some happy days. But every so often, right out of the blue, life will conspire to throw it all back in your face. It may be seeing a child the same age as yours walking up steps to the schoolbus, or going through old stuff and realizing they never wallked in the shoes you bought them, or something else entirely. It will never stop happening, or get less painful but you will slowly adapt to the pain. HTH some.