Still just crying, but have questions for ppl who lost little ones around 20-26 wks

ReneeBeth · 10-09-2004, 06:23 PM

Just some questions. I don't know why I want to know, but I do. Some might be hard or weird, but these are just things I'm wondering about.
Did you go through the whole labor process?
Did you have a epidural?
Did you hold your baby after they were born?
Did you get pictures before/after baby died?
Did you get a "memory box" from the hospital?
If you got pictures of your baby, have you or would you show them to others if they ask?

If anyone else has any questions, please ask. I can't imagine we all went through the same thing, every little detail. I just want to know how things might differ for people, and I guess I maybe regret myself things I didn't do/think of until it was too late. I wish I would have asked for his hand prints, when they did his footprints. I wish I would have kissed him and held him close to me for longer. I wish I would have had a picture taken of my hubby and I holding him, not just ones of him.

And I am around, kind of. I'm just still not really ready to talk. I need help, I know. I'm planning on calling someone on Monday to see what my options are. I hate being alone, yes, but at the same time, I don't have many friends, and I still can't imagine anyone really knowing what *I* am feeling right now.
Is there a chat room where we can chat? I don't want to use any of my instant msgr programs, and the chat room here is rarely used and too public still.
Oh well. Oh, I guess I should answer my own questions, huh?

Did you go through the whole labor process?
Yes, I did. About 14 hours of labor total.
Did you have a epidural?
Yes, about 10-15minutes before the baby came
Did you hold your baby after they were born?
Yes, we (hubby and I) did as soon as they were done with me, and done looking at Daniel. We held him for 2-3 hours or so, until they moved me to the normal recovery ward.
Did you get pictures before/after baby died?
Yes. Both polaroid and digital. The nurse said the digi pics would be mailed out within 4 weeks.
Did you get a "memory box" from the hospital?
Yes, see my post to know what was in it. It is full.
If you got pictures of your baby, have you or would you show them to others if they ask?
I showed my mom, even though I didn't feel too easy about doing it. For some reason, I find it something I don't feel comfortable with doing. He was so small, he was so innocent, I just...don't feel right showing his pictures to people.

VivC · 10-09-2004, 06:50 PM

Feel free to PM me, and I'll send you my e-mail address.

Rivi was 24W6D when he was born, and he was gorgeous. He seemed fine when he was born, but apparently an infection was raging through his little body. He was born at 8 p.m. on Wednesday, and he died sometime late morning on Thursday. I'm not sure of the time - it seemed that it took him so long to say goodbye, but at the same time, it went too fast.

Here are my answers:

Did you go through the whole labor process?
I had 36 hours of contractions. The worst of them lasted about five hours.

Did you have a epidural?
Yes. They made me wait until I was 4 cm, but then they finally gave me one. It wore off exactly when they were using a speculum to force my cervix open, though. It wouldn't dilate fully (ironic since a few weeks ago I needed a rescue cerclage to close it).

Did you hold your baby after they were born?
Not right after. He was breathing on his own, and crying. They whisked him away, then let us go see him a few hours later. He was still fine, but the second I got into bed, they came and took me back down to the NICU. He was having trouble breathing even on the ventilator, and the blood tests showed massive infection. He pulled through that time, but the next morning the same thing happened. Except this time, when he pulled through, it didn't last as long. His oxygen levels kept getting so low that his heart would stop, and I watched them perform CPR four times successfully (if you can call it that). The fifth time, nothing helped, so they unhooked him from everything and let DH and I hold him as he said goodbye. He actually let out a little squeaky cry with his last breath. Then they let us take him into the chapel for hours and just hold him and take pictures. They lent us a digital camera. We said goodbye. But yesterday, before I left the hospital, I asked if we could see him again. He was cold this time. We took more pictures. At the risk of sounding crazy, I hate to admit this, but I actually tried to breathe into his nose. I just wanted him back so badly!

Did you get pictures before/after baby died?
In addition to what I've already mentioned, we got a few pictures of him while he was still alive and hooked up to everything. I think those will be the hardest to look at.

Did you get a "memory box" from the hospital?
Yes. They gave us a knit blanket, a gown, the cap he wore from birth, and booties. We took pictures of him in everything. They gave us an angel tear - a small coin to remember him by. We also got an apache tear, same thing but a stone. The card from his warmer with our info on it. We got some of his hair in a small little ziploc bag. His ID bands. We took lots of pictures, and we're going to put together a memory book including his ultrasounds. I also added a little lamb rattle I bought for him the day I found out I was pregnant.

If you got pictures of your baby, have you or would you show them to others if they ask?
I'm going to pick a few to carry with me. He was gorgeous, and I'm proud to have known him. He was just smaller than your usual baby. I don't see why anyone would be offended.

ReneeBeth · 10-09-2004, 06:58 PM

FYI viv, your PM box is FULL.
My email is katlynnhope on yahoo. I'm on there now, since I remembered it's the one place I can sign on invisible, and get notified when I get email.
Did your baby have a strange maroon coloring to him at all? Mine did, esp on his whole head. And I wish I saw my son's eyes, but they were still fused shut. I also wish he had hair, but it was too early.

AvivaElona · 10-09-2004, 11:22 PM

Hi Renee,

I am glad you are posting. You know I am here to talk if you want to talk to me, I also understand if you don't. My e-mail is spryngtree@yahoo.com I have Yahoo Messenger somewhere I think though I never use it, but if you want to chat with me let me know and I will sign on and find you. I don't want to just sign on, in case you are not comfortable talking to me right now. I understand why there are reasons you might not be.

To answer your questions though:

Did you go through the whole labor process?

Yes I did. I was in labor sort of intermittantly, as I did keep stopping it somehow, but then it would start again for a couple of days. We finally let them give me pitocin when I was sure that Isaac was already gone. At that point my labor was only a couple of hours long.

Did you have a epidural?

Yes I did. For those last two hours. They did not make me wait til I was four CM dialated since I started out at 3.

Did you hold your baby after they were born?

Yes I did but he had passed away before he was born. We held him and looked at him for many hours. I had a very hard time giving him up, and eventually they let me take him down the hall myself, because I could not hand him to the nurse. I had a very strong hysterical reaction when I tried, and they told me it was ok, I could just hold him as long as I wanted to. Eventually I was able to leave him in a little extra nursery they had because it seemed safe and cozy. Leaving the hospital without him was pure anguish.

Did you get pictures before/after baby died?

I got pictures of him after he died he only since he died while he was still inside me.

Did you get a "memory box" from the hospital?

It didn't come in a box, but I got several items, including a tiny teddy bear, the hat they put on him for pictures and a little blanket. Also his footprints which really didn't come out very well unfortunately. I am working on making him a painting that will go in our room, just of his name.

If you got pictures of your baby, have you or would you show them to others if they ask

This is a tough one. Like you I felt very protective of those pictures, and so far the only person who has seen them is my husband. I may someday change my mind but right now we both feel like we are not ready to share Isaac with others so intimately.

For his memorial service which I held on his due date, I did want to share a little of him with his grandparents. In the end, I did a sketch of him from one of the photos and shared that with his grandparents. I also wrote a description of him while I was in the hospital and holding him. I didn't want to forget any of those things about him...what he looked like and what parts of my husband and me he carried. I cleaned up that description and took out some more personal details and I shared that with his grandparents too. The description I wrote is very much like the beautiful post you posted here where you told Daniel's story. It was important to me to be able to look at Isaac's story later and I was very glad I had written it.

To answer your other questions, Isaac was also that maroon color. I found it quite beautiful but it looks odd in photos. He also didn't have his eyes open, but had a tiny bit of hair. I will always be sad that I don't know what color my son's eyes would have been.

Renee, no one knows how you feel. Every human being feels differently. Having had a very similar loss, I might at least understand some of the ways you are feeling and have felt similar things, but its never exactly the same. My heart is aching for you though and I wish so badly that this hadn't happened to you and to Daniel. Or to Viv and Rivi either

Aviva

IFBPreachersWife · 10-10-2004, 12:30 AM

I feel like an intruder into this post and I really don't mean to be - I hope you ladies won't be offended. I had set out to PM Viv and then ended up here.....

I just wanted to tell you all how much my heart goes out to each of you in your loss.....it seems like it's almost to much for a soul to bear. I cannot even fathom your pain and I am just so sorry that each of you have had to face it. How my heart aches for you.

There are absolutely no words to amply describe all I'd like to say to each of you courageous ladies.....If I were in the same room with you, I'd offer you a shoulder and a hug. While your arms ache to hold your little ones, they feel no pain. I will be praying for your peace and your comfort during this very difficult time. My condolensces to each of you!

FWIW....I personally would find nothing discomforting about your sharing your little one's pictures, if that is what you wanted to do. I am sure that each of them were uniquely beautiful and if sharing photos with family or friends is what you'd like to do, then I think you should. If I were your family or personal friend, I would be honored to see them.

tonyarn · 10-10-2004, 01:27 PM

Did you go through the whole labor process?

Yes, I went through labor and delivered vaginally. I was induced at about 7:30 a.m. and delivered Tucker at 4:29 p.m.

Did you have a epidural?

No, I didn't have an epidural. I was on a morphine PCA pump.

Did you hold your baby after they were born?

Yes, I held Tucker a couple of different times. I was not allowed to see or hold him after the autopsy. Not even at the funeral.

Did you get pictures before/after baby died?

He was stillborn, but yes I did get pictures of him.

Did you get a "memory box" from the hospital?

Tucker's stuff was not given to me in a memory box, but they gave me many items including an outfit they dressed him in after he was born, the blanket that covered him, footprints, arm bands, pictures, locks of his hair, crib card, etc. I have done a scrapbook for him and hope to eventually get the pages on his site. Oh, and I also created a website for him.

If you got pictures of your baby, have you or would you show them to others if they ask?

I show Tucker's pictures to people all the time, usually it is me asking, "Do you want to see him?" For me, sharing has helped immensly. I am a pretty open person, and I think it would be so much harder if I held it in and kept my grief to myself. I realize everyone processes grief differently, but I encourage you to talk to others, especially others who have been where you are. There are several online bereavement support groups, and also your hospital most likely has a group. Just from my little bit of experience, I think people who do not seek support from others and share tend to remain deeply in their grieving process so much longer. You do what's best for you, but remember there are others who are willing to listen and want to share in your grief and want you to be healthy despite what you are currently going through.

(((hugs))) for you.

SheriKCMO · 10-11-2004, 01:18 AM

Renee, I think this is a good idea. Thanks for sharing. I'm going to add a couple of questions. No one is ever prepared for this kind of event, so things do turn out very differently for each of us.

Did you go through the whole labor process?
--I was only in labor for about an hour, only in true discomfort with contractions (not very bad) for twenty minutes. My cervix had obviously already opened without labor, and these were just expulsion contractions. I didn't push at all.

Did you have a epidural?
--I didn't have enough discomfort (or time!) for anything.

Did you hold your baby after they were born?
--We held her for a few hours, minus the time she went to be measured and weighed.

Did you get pictures before/after baby died?
--These are my treasures. I'm attaching one to this post at the bottom.

Did you get a "memory box" from the hospital?
--No, we got a folder of things, some were about losing a baby, some were normal delivery paperwork. We kept the wristbands and such.

If you got pictures of your baby, have you or would you show them to others if they ask?
--I volunteer to show them to the people whom I WANT to see them, but if others ask, I will share. They are all post-mortem, unfortunately, because we only had a few minutes with her still here. I'm not embarrassed of how she looks, and I don't think we should be, because it's all we've got. Love is truly blind, and if we show these to people who love our babies, the shock wears off so that they can appreciate these tender little babies as the important people they are.

Added thoughts:
Did you bury or cremate your child, and what helped make this decision?
--We chose burial, because Brad has always felt the final transition of burial to be helpful in coping with losses and starting the grieving process. Seeing the casket lowered into the ground was indeed pretty final, and having a stone made and the permanent place to go to honor her and talk to her is good for me.

How have you chosen to honor your baby as time passed?
--We planted a tree next to her grave at the cemetery on our due date. We visit a lot. I have been volunteering, donating, and collecting donations for the March of Dimes as an ongoing commitment (their focus is on preventing and treating prematurity right now). I also chose to dedicate my quest and efforts toward good health to Mary Catherine. The support group I've been going to has an annual balloon release and Christmas ornament display (on trees at the hospital where the group meets) that we will participate in. I'm not sure what else we will do besides teach our subsequent child(ren) about their older sister whom we love.

Best wishes to all,
Sheri

ReneeBeth · 10-11-2004, 09:31 AM

Thanks to all who have shared. But it's sad that we all have this same thing to share

About the pictures. I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing them, not at all. They were our babies, and they were all perfect and beautiful. But for some reason, I can't see myself showing MY pictures. He was beautiful, and I am proud of the little life we created, but for some reason I can't do it. But if you can, you should.

And to add to Sheri's questions...(thanks for asking some)

Did you bury or cremate your child, and what helped make this decision?
We buried our son. I just found out is was a special part of a cemetary, kind of part of a big one but it not, for people who can't afford the costs and/or for special burials, like infants. I am not practicing religious, but technically I'm Jewish. My family (most of them) is very Jewish, and I still for some reason believe that makes our son Jewish. My husband was able to Baptise Daniel himself, so I wanted something done to show he was also Jewish. I asked my mom to call her Rabbi to ask him if we should give him a proper burial, and he said that Daniel was considered a person, a life, and yes he should be buried like any other person. I also couldn't imagine what the hospital ment when they asked "Do you want to take care of things, or do you want the hospital to do it?". The only thing i thought of when they said that is that they throw away the babies like medical waste or something

I'm also glad I have a place to visit when I need to. And take any future children I have to. I will be going to visit as soon as his headstone is ready. Please help me, I hope I don't feel the need to try and dig him up so I can hold him one more time

It's so sick, I know..but I just want to hold him again

How have you chosen to honor your baby as time passed?
One week ago today, he was born and died. So it hasn't been much time to do anything. But we did light the special 7 day Shiva candle after he was buried. It is still burning right now. I told my hubby we'll visit at least 2x's a year. On his due date, and on the day he was born. I don't know how we'll honor these days. I'm sure I'll spend them crying. Maybe talk to him at his grave, and tell him what is going on with our lives. I'm not sure what else. And it hurts to think about that right now.

Anyway, I haven't been too good sleeping. My stupid insurance won't cover any sleeping pills, so I'm trying to go without. I sleep, but I wake up too often still. I'm not pregnant anymore, but I still wake up to pee and eat in the middle of the night once or twice. I'm hoping that will pass soon. I also am horrible for starting to smoke again. After my dad nearly dying from his years as smoking, and asking us (my family) not to smoke anymore, I feel horrible doing it. I do. But I couldn't help it. And my hubby started again, and I couldn't tell him no. He was sad, and that was his way of coping with the pain for now. We (hubby and I) did agree to quit smoking again before my 6 week post-pardom checkup on Nov. 16th. I can't smoke, my asthma just kills me when I do. So I hope we really can/will quit again.

And I have some questions to add:

Did you lactate after baby was born? If so, how long did it last?
(I started leaking collustrum at 18wks. So I knew I was going to lactate as soon as he was born. It hasn't stopped yet, and my boobs are so sore and painful, I hate it.)
When did you, if you did, decide to start TTC again? Did both you and hubby have the same decision? Did you want to TTC but were scared to do it because of how the outcome might be?

Ok, I need to go lay down. I've been chainsmoking since I woke up this time, and I can't breath. I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep, so maybe I can lay down and get a little bit more. I hope.
Thanks again for everyone sharing their stories.

Renee

airforcewifeynva · 10-11-2004, 12:38 PM

I am a little late joining this thread but I still want to add my thoughts.

We lost our son later than most of you. 37 weeks to be exact. I am sure most of you know my story but I will answer the questions.

I went through 12 hours of labor to deliver my son. They induced at around 9 at night and he was delivered shortly after 9 the next morning.

They originally told me that they would have me on a morphine pump and I wouldn't have to have an epidural but the morphine stopped working so I did get an epidural.

My husband and I both held Dallas. My mom was there and she held him too. He was perfect. He looked just like my husband.

We took pictures but you cannot see the baby very well. The hospital took pictures too and they are good pictures.

Yes, we did get a memory box from the hospital. It has his clothes they put on him, his little hat he wore, clipping of his hair, footprints, umbilical clamp, and a blanket.

I show pictures of Dallas to people who want to see him. I also have a website that I made in his honor. To tell his story. If you are interested, it is at www.geocities.com/mom2dallas. There are pictures of him there.

We buried Dallas. He was delivered in VA but we wanted him buried in my family plot back in TN. He is buried next to my aunt who was born at 6 months along but didn't make it. He is also buried close to his namesake, my great uncle Dallas who died at age 8. He is surrounded by family and I wanted it that way.

I have angels all over my house to remember Dallas. At his funeral, we got so many ceramic angels, that I started collecting them in memory of him. We also have a candle that we had made in memory of him. Plus, I made the website to remember him by.

My milk came in the day before Dallas' funeral. It was awful. I was at the funeral home all day that day in the lounge with ice packs on my chest. People kept wanting to hug me and it would be so painful. It lasted for a couple months before my milk dried up.

We wanted to TTC immediately after losing Dallas. We got pregnant right away but lost that baby in an early miscarriage. After that, we went back to my RE and started ttc with his direction and got pregnant with our son, Benjamin, who is 1 year old now.

I was petrified to be pregnant with Ben. I was so afraid we would lose him the same way we lost Dallas....a true knot in the umbilical cord. Everyone assured me that it wouldn't happen again but that didn't help. When Ben was born, he also had a true knot in his cord. To this day, I cannot think about that because it bothers me too much. That factor plays alot in our decision to have anymore children. Having 2 babies that both had a true knot in the cord is too risky for me. DH wants to try for one more next year so we MIGHT try again. Right now, I am just content with Ben.

Benjamin will grow up knowing he has a big brother and he is in Heaven watching over him.

tonyarn · 10-11-2004, 02:20 PM

We also had Tucker buried. There was never any question that we would do anything else. He is buried at a little country cemetery about 5 miles from our house, and we purchased plots for all 4 of us when we purchased Tucker's spot. I like that I have a place to go and a place to decorate in honor/memory of him. We have not yet gotten a headstone.

Yesterday we participated in a "Remembering Our Babies" walk that our Empty Arms support group did at the park. It was very emotional. I have made a scrapbook and a website (www.babiesonline.com/babies/t/tuckerdeanmills) in memory of him, and I am collecting dragonflies (see website for explanation). I plan on doing a memorial garden and have made a stepping stone that has Tucker's name and date of stillbirth on it, it however is currently on his grave until we can afford a headstone. I need to go out there before Friday and clear off his grave (except that stone) so the cemetery can clean up the lawns, then I am going to take a pumpkin out for his first Halloween.

My milk came in a few days after I got home, I can't remember exactly what day it was now. It didn't last too long.

We knew we wanted to TTC again right away, even while I was still delivering Tucker we were talking to our doctor about it. My doctor wanted us to wait until August, we did cheat and try in July. My doctor has been so supportive, we are truly blessed to have him as a physician. So far I have not felt really scared about getting pregnant again.

I know one thing I hate about myself now is I am very jealous and hateful of pregnant moms and moms of newborns. I realize it is completely normal, but I think things that don't meke me very proud sometimes.

Anyway, I just want you to know I am thinking of you. (((hugs)))

SheriKCMO · 10-11-2004, 09:27 PM

My milk came in at four days past delivery, just in time for all of the hugging at the funeral. I didn't mind too much and only needed to ice them down late that night for a while. The nurses at the hospital had given me some advice about it. It made me sad that I couldn't feed my baby, but the fact that it came in so well made me hopeful that I could feed the next one. Of course Brad was impressed by the size and weight of them! I just hope it works again.

We wanted to get back into ttc right away. I turned 34 just three days after my daughter was born. Time to get moving, especially if we want to go for more than one. My first real AF was 21 days after delivery, and I still hadn't stopped seeing light locia at that point (barely enough for a panty liner). Then here comes the real stuff. I called my midwife to see if that was normal, and she reassured me that a non-bf mom might start that soon. I was really encouraged about ttc. I conceived two months later and felt relieved and very hopeful and ready to give Mary Catherine a little brother or sister, but that one only lasted to 5 weeks. I guess we just weren't ready. Two months of incapacitating depression followed (hormone crash, I think), including one AF. Then I conceived again. I was so skeptical! This one hasn't been easy, but it is oh so worth going through. I need this baby and will do whatever it takes to get him here.

Renee,
I totally understand the desire to hold your son. I swear that I would give anything/everything to hold Mary Catherine just one more time. This baby I have inside me is saving my life, because some days were/are very bad. Now I have a little reminder that life is worth living, and there are reasons to go forward. You are not alone, cyster.

Take care, everybody,
Sheri

kwannabee · 10-11-2004, 10:05 PM

Hi ReneeBeth...i'm so sorry for your loss. When i read through your quesitons i thought to myself oh my God....that ALL happened to me too. My story is in my siggy, but even 10 months later its like it just happened yesterday. Like Sheri my milk came in a few days later...it was like a cruel joke that mother nature made my body work the way it was supposed to after everything was all over...i was so uncomfortable and with every twinge and leak i remember thinking i just wanted to curl up and die. when i woke up the day after i grabbed scrap paper and wrote my who experience down...sort of like their life story...so i wouldnt forget anything. The feelings and the pain...i cant read it anymore it makes me feel like my heart is crushing...i dont know how i ever made it through another day...but somehow i did. soulcysters definately helped...

anyway i thought i'd answer your questions...

Did you go through the whole labor process? I rolled over in my hospital bed to get a spoonful of cereal, and i started bleeding. My cervix was so weak and dialated at that point that i didnt feel anything until an hour of pushing out my babies. Basically i went through natural childbirth without the pain of contractions.

Did you have a epidural? Yes but it didnt help. Little Aimee was so far down the drugs didnt take...i remember saying just give me drugs so i dont have to feel anything...i didnt want to remember them with pain and discomfort...but of course mother nature had the last laugh with that one too...

Did you hold your baby after they were born? Absolutely. I kissed their little faces and counted their little fingers and toes and stared at their perfect little noses. For as long as their little hearts beat...i rocked them...until we all fell asleep together...

Did you get pictures before/after baby died? I was so lucky to have a nurse who knew me...i used to teach her little girl...she took rolls of film for me and personally cleaned washed and clothed my little girls. my sister helped her...which was a first to have a family member do that...I have pictures of my babies that i dont remember being taken...i'm so lucky that way.

Did you get a "memory box" from the hospital? My memory box is so full i cant put anything else in it. I have little knitted clothes and housecoats, hopsital bracelets, blankets...footprints and poloroid pictures. When we had the girls cremated, the crematorium gave me another set of foot prints, and i have their little urn ( we kept them together) on my mantel...i couldnt let them go to be buried somewhere i needed them here with me...it might sound morbid but gosh all these memories for their few minutes on earth...it means so much to have it close to me...

If you got pictures of your baby, have you or would you show them to others if they ask? I keep their picture ina locket i wear everywhere, and i have a picture frame with the little poem i wrote for them the night they were born...on my livingroom table. I also carry a picture of them in my wallet...i'm sorrounded by them. It took me a long time to share my pictures with anyone...but now its a little easier...but it definately depends who it is...i dont show them to just anybody.

All i can say now is that this has been the best and worst experience of my life...worst for obvious reasons...and best becuase for just a little while i got to hold two precious little human beings in my arms...i wouldnt give that up for the world. I love them so much...my baby girls.

Hope things get better soon ReneeBeth...sending you big hugs. Pm anytime.

VivC · 10-12-2004, 09:16 PM

I'm trying to figure out the PM thing now. I'm also not getting e-mails from the site. Hmm...

We decided to have Rivi cremated. We're living in an apartment, and we're not sure where we'll end up living permanently. Once we know, we'll bury him and buy plots next to him.

I'm still numb, since tomorrow's a week since Rivi was born, 6 days since he died. One thing that really bothered me was that we couldn't find a white christening outfit for him to be cremated in (I sobbed in BuyBuyBaby for a half hour). Everything was too big, and I didn't want to buy doll clothes! My Mom and Aunt saved the day for us, but I was concerned about all of the other parents who can't sew, or can't afford to have outfits made. We'll soon be starting to make these outfits and donating them to the hospital for lower-income families to use in their final arrangements. Beyond this, I'm not sure what I'll do, but I know I want the whole world to know about Rivi, and I'm sure we'll find ways to honor him.

Renee, I know exactly what you mean about wanting to dig up your baby. While I was in the hospital, I kept thinking, what if they made a mistake and he's in the morgue alive and they're freezing him? And I already mentioned that I actually tried to do CPR on him after he'd been dead for more than 24 hours. I just wanted him back.

Lactating: No milk, but my boobs are boulders, and they hurt. Ibuprofen DOESN'T work, no matter what anyone says. I'm keeping them wrapped up and iced.

I'll e-mail you in a little while, Renee. I think that staying in touch may help us get through this a little easier...

ReneeBeth · 10-12-2004, 10:52 PM

Well, yesterday was one week since we lost Daniel. Tomorrow will be one week since he was buried. I still have moments out of nowhere that I break down and cry. I still have little things here and there that remind me of things, and I cry. Like today when I had to get xrays and the tech asked "Are you SURE you're not pregnant?". I wanted to tell him what I really was thinking when he said that, but I didn't. Bah. But for the most part, I'm slowly trying to "forcefully forget" the pain for right now.
I know it's ok and good to mourn, but I can't afford to spiral further down into a depressive mode than I already am/was. If I get any lower, there would be no coming back for me. So all I can do is try to move on and keep my mind busy as much as possible. Yeah, so my hubby and bro got together and decided I need a new Playstation2 with some new games to help keep me busy. Ehh, it works, I guess. it's something to do other than cry. And when I play games, I'm too busy to sit there and pig out on junk like I've been doing,
But the whole boobs being heavy, and painful as can be...and leaking...yeah, that DOES make it hard to forget about things. Also the icky discharge I have. I sometimes get these big "clumps" that are actual tissue coming out. Eww. Dr. said it's normal. For some reason, as they day goes on and as it gets later, my lower back starts hurting more and I get more menstral-like cramps. I just wish the physical pains and reminders would go away sooner rather than later.
hearing that it could take MONTHS for the milk to dry up, that just sucks. I found that draining some of the milk now and then helps, esp. when I feel a large knot there...put some pressure on the knot, the milk gets out and hurts a bit less. I really hate it, tho. It hurts too much to put any pressure on them (like tight bra or wrapping them up) and it is NOT nice to put ice on them. So I'm really stuck here. I wonder why they don't give you a shot anymore? My mom kept saying back when she had kids, they didn't do breastfeeding, so they simply got a shot to dry up their milk supply. I think the shot was linked to cancer or something. I'm going to get cancer anyway, so gimme the stinkin shot!

Bah. I called the social worker I saw at the hospital. They do have a support group there, but nobody ever comes (they register first, so ppl don't just show up and be the only ones there). So I told her to register me, and talk to the other 5 women she saw the same week as I was there. I also told her it might be a good idea to send out a notice of the meetings a week or two after the loss, instead of the day of it. You don't think of the help you'll need until you calm a little and have a week or so to think about it. So she said she might have to start doing that. I hope someone else registers for the group.

My goals for the next month: Get wisdom teeth pulled, find out why I get headaches (we were able to rule out sinus infection with today's xrays), go to 6wk PP follow-up and hope this new ob/gyn is nice/good and draw out a new TTC plan.
I either HAVE to TTC, or HAVE to take BCP to stop my period. I can't have a period. I get too sick when I get my period, and if I'm not ovulating (which I only do with clomid/other meds), the crap I go through with each period is NOT worth it. I really hope this is a good ob/gyn...I don't want to have to fight for help TTC.

Anyhoo, I'm still not using my instant messangers at all, but anyone who wants to can email me katlynnhope@yahoo.com and I can sign on somewhere under a diff screen name to talk

I do that. When I sign on my own things, too many people ask too many questions.

Hope everyone is well.

-Renee

ProudPCOMom · 10-13-2004, 01:49 PM

My daughter Saralyn Hanna was born at not quite 24 weeks in April 2003, she breathed and her heart beat for 1 hour and 18 minutes. Her eyes were fused shut, but my Mom described her as a miniature Brodyn (Brody my son) - she was absolutely beautiful. She will always be loved, never forgotten and is now our family's guardian angel.

Did you go through the whole labor process?

Yes, I was given cervidil and cytotec the night before I was forced to deliver. I delivered first thing the next morning.

Did you have a epidural?

No, not enough time. I was nearly ready to push when I left my room on the high-risk maternity ward. I barely made it to my L/D room before Saralyn was born (doctor was still in her shower at home when she was born). She would have been born sooner if the cervidil wasn't still in place.

Did you hold your baby after they were born?

I held her for her entire life (minus the few minutes that the nurses had her). After her death I held her for most of the next 3 hours (I had to go to OR for removal of the rest of the placenta that wouldn't detach). My mother and husband also held her. She was baptized by our minister while she was still alive and my parents were there to witness (MIL was home with our son).

Did you get pictures before/after baby died?

We have ten pictures total. Most are of her alive, a few were taken after she passed. There were a couple with her and me - man I looked horrible! My favorite pic is actually the last one we took of her. She looked so sweet and peaceful. A copy of it is on our dresser in a pink 'my little angel' frame that my mother gave us after her birth.

Did you get a "memory box" from the hospital?

Yes, a pink heart-shaped box with a white angel lamb, her pink hat and tiny blanket, the scrub shirt with her footprints and the hospital blanket she had been wrapped in. I also included her birth story, which was read (in part) at her services.

If you got pictures of your baby, have you or would you show them to others if they ask?

I have one copy of my favorite pic at work pinned to the cube wall just beside/behind my computer screen that can only be seen if you walk into my cube. My friends and co-workers have seen her - but I try not to force her on anyone.

Did you bury or cremate your child, and what helped make this decision?

We chose to cremate her. My husband couldn't stand the thought of burying her. Her cremains on in a gold droplet hanging on her picture on our dresser.

How have you chosen to honor your baby as time passed?

We planted a pink-flowering tree (oleander trained as a tree) in our back yard that is known as Saralyn's tree.

We also talk about her frequently thanks to our son - which helps us all. The night we found out we would have to give birth to her too early, our son kept talking about baby sister (making both of us cry). My husband told him that Saralyn would be going to live in his favorite star - the Moon (he wasn't yet 3 yrs old - how else do you explain death???). Saralyn watches over our family from her bright star which he is quick to point out whenever he sees it. He usually calls it 'baby sister'. Heâ€™s always looking for her.

We also were told not to TTC again (if ever) until I had lost 50 lbs - so we have taken the last year and a half and both my husband and I have changed our eating habits and lost weight. Hubby lost about 70 lbs, I've lost 35. I dedicate my 'getting healthy' to Saralyn - because otherwise, I probably would never have made the changes (and my Hubby definitely wouldn't have).

Did you lactate after baby was born? If so, how long did it last?

Yes, for about one or two weeks. Cabbage leaves work wonders!

When did you, if you did, decide to start TTC again? Did both you and hubby have the same decision? Did you want to TTC but were scared to do it because of how the outcome might be?

We have made the decision to TTC again, we've been trying for a couple of months (this month I charted and it's looking good). If we get pregnant without drugs, it'll be our first 'freebee' - as we've always required shots to ovulate. Right now I'm ovulating cyclically (about a 40 day cycle - I'm so excited).

I'm a little concerned, but this time I'll be armed with information. With my two 20+ wk pregnancies I had HELLP but wasn't told until the night before Saralyn's birth (the reason for her early birth). I have researched different treatments and know that with the weight I have already lost, the way I am eating better (Sugar Busters! - no white flour/sugar) and regular walking on my treadmill that I'll be in better shape than my pregnancy with my son (born at 31 wks). I have a Word document I've been compiling with treatments/preventions for HELLP that I'll bring to my first appointments with my OB and Perinatologist when we get pregnant again. I don't want surprises, I want informed decisions...