On Thursday, September 21, 2006 (my 30th birthday), I went to have a "fun" ultrasound with my cousin who's an ultrasound tech (I hadn't had one since we saw the heartbeat at 6.5 weeks) ... dh and I were hoping to see our little baby's arms and legs moving, which I thought would be the best birthday gift ever. Instead it turned out to be the worst night of my life ... immediately I knew something was wrong when my cousin put the doppler on my stomach b/c she didn't say anything, so I asked her what was wrong and she was getting tears in her eyes and said that there wasn't a heartbeat and that the baby was measuring at 8 weeks rather than 11 weeks, which is what I was at. I immediately left and went to the ER as it was after 5pm. I think they thought I was crazy b/c I wasn't cramping or bleeding and they were quite rude to me, but I demanded to have a transvaginal ultrasound to confirm what I already knew. After 3 agonizing hours they finally did 2 ultrasounds and confirmed that our embryo was indeed dead. I was and still am a total wreck .... it almost makes me wish that I didn't even get pregnant. I'm so confused too ... my doc said that I only had a 2-3% chance of miscarriage after that 1st ultrasound, so I guess I fell into that small percentage?! Also, I'm so angry that my body held onto the embryo and continued to keep it ... it makes it even worse!!! My doc is out of town, but I spoke with the on-call ob/gyn who said that I could keep it for up to 3 more weeks before my body finally naturally miscarries it, but there was absolutely no way that I could handle that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt sickened thinking that I'd been "pretending" to be pregnant for the last three weeks when I'd actually been carrying around a dead embryo ... it seemed like a sick joke. I had a D&C yesterday because I didn't think that I could emotionally handle waiting for it to naturally happen and not knowing when it was going to happen! I am still mad at the world that this happened to me after all that we've already been through!! Dh and I are completely distraught even though I don't think the reality of this has totally set in for us, but fortunately we are surrounded by many loving and supportive friends and family who are helping us get through this! However, nothing seems to make me feel better. Worst thing is that I don't know what to do now??? Thank you so much for understadning and listening. Yours truly, Niki
Just about the same thing happened to me in Feb of this year. I hated knowing that my body just held on. I also chose to have a d&c because I didn't want to wait any longer.
You are not alone. It is awful. There are a lot of wonderful people on this board who really helped me.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss.
Wendy
__________________ dx PCOS a long long time ago
mom to 6yo dd, ttc#2
3 cycles Let, 3 cycles FSH/IUI in 2005-06
m/c 2/8/06
1st IVF cycle bfp 8/29/06
Due Date 5/7/07
I also was due in April and went through this process. My D&C was on Sept. 15th. I am here for you. I think I am still feeling depression. I keep thinking how did this happen. I did not have any spotting or severe cramping. I was in a car accident when I was 4 weeks pregnant. I wish there were some answers. Try to stay strong.
Luv and hugs,
KIM
__________________ KIM(32)
DANNY(31)
MARRIED SINCE NOV 1996
MOMMY TO EVAN (4)
Mommy to angel baby
Lost at 7 weeks sept 06
__________________ TTC #1 since 10/05.
February 2008: M/C - 8w1d (fetal bradycardia)
March 2009: chemical pg. Out of options, out of hope. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I'm so sorry. I don't think there is anything that can make the pain go away except time. Difficult as it is to believe now, eventually you will feel happy again and hope will return, life will go on, though you will never ever forget.
For now, take care of yourself and your DH (and let your DH take care of you too). Be selfish, cry, scream, hide... whatever it is you need to do to help get through the first part of the grieving process. I stayed in bed for a week after my miscarriage because I just couldn't face the world... I think that helped me. Don't worry about what to do next for now... for now just take time off from everything, including thinking about what to do. You've had a real tragedy and it will take time to recover.
I'm so sorry!! (((Hugs))) You will find your way to grieve. It's a hard process, but it leads us to our new normal. I am so glad you are surrounded by support!
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Ruby 2/27/06, 9lbs
Niki..I just responded to your post over on the TTC board. I'm sooo sorry for all you have gone through. I went through the same thing. With my first BFP, we saw a faint heartbeat at our 6 1/2 weeks ultrasound..my Dr seemed a little concerned about it but when we asked him if everything was okay, he said it was and that once you see the heartbeat there is only a 2-3% chance of m/c. When we went back at 8 wks, there was no heartbeat. I waited for 2 or 3 weeks as I had had no cramping or bleeding either and nothing happened. My Dr gave me some drugs to induce m/c nothing happened and then I finally had the D&C. With my 2nd pregnancy, I waited until about 7 weeks to do the ultrasound so that we would definitely see a heartbeat if there was one, but no heartbeat was seen. I never had any cramping or bleeding and felt like my body was just being cruel to me making me carry around an embryo which was no longer living. It makes you question things and wonder why it had to happen, what could you have done wrong, etc..it makes you feel like it was your fault at times or like if only you had done this or that..but in reality..most likely there was nothing else you could have done. It's such a hard time. The thing that help me most was all the support I got from my DH, family, and the few friends who knew about it. I was very selective as to who i told though about the pregnancy to begin with. This board has been a tremendous support also. We are here for you whenever you need to chat.
sorry for all my rambling...
__________________ dx PCOS: 10/19/04
m/c 12/05 and 5/06
myomectomy 9/06
BFP 1/22/07
2/21/07- surgery to remove corneal pregnancy and right fallopian tube. :-(
BFP 11/3/07!!!!! 1st beta=812(18DPO) 2nd beta=2261(20DPO)
Kaitlyn Elizabeth born 6/20/08!
6 pounds, 19 inches long @ 36 weeks
It's a GIRL!!!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Cysters, you are the best ... your support and encouragement is so helpful! I know that when I'm having a really tough day (I'm sure I'll be having many in the next few weeks) I can lean on you ladies for understanding and support. It's nice to have women to share my feelings with who truly understand the heartache associated with m/c. It brings me hope to see that many csysters have gone on to have healthy pregnancies after their loss. I am seeing RE next week to discuss our new treatment plan, so we'll be ready to roll when he gives the okay to start ttc again. It seems a little weird, but I'm ready to get back into the ttc game asap ... it will help me work through my grief. Thank you again for your understanding, support, and encouragement. Huge hugs to all of you! Niki
Niki, I am so sorry for your loss. I have just had a loss too at 19 weeks. My baby had died at about 17 weeks. I too don't understand why my body would carry a dead baby.
Still in shock & wondering what to do now ... 
