straight or bi?

girlywhirly · 12-13-2005, 04:05 AM

Hi. This is probably going to be the most embarrassing post I'll ever write on this website... but here goes.

I am basically attracted to men. There is no question in my mind that I want a husband, children, family, etc.

On the other hand, I find myself looking at other girls. Is this normal or does it mean that I am bi or even gay? I am very self-conscious about it and I worry other people will think that I am a perv. I do not know if I look at them because I am envious of their bodies (mine never resembled the body of a real girl) or because I am attracted to them. I know that sometimes I will think of women but I was made aware (on Oprah) that most straight women fantasize about other women and it doesn't mean anything. I know that I would never want to have an emotional relationship with a woman (not because of societal of family pressures, although that is another issue) but because I just do not feel that way toward women. I want a man to fulfill my emotional needs and everything else, but there is a part of me that is wondering how it would be like with a woman. Is this normal of all straight women or am I bi or whatever?

Binxsmommy · 12-13-2005, 04:42 AM

I think it is normal. I am attaracted to women. But I am also happily married (today anyway

) I've always been attracted to women. I consider myself BI but that is because I have had 2 seperate relationships w/ girls. But it was mostly sexual (sorry if thats blunt) I can't be romantic w/ girls IE. holding hands and cuddling and all that other "relationship stuff". I really think that until you cross that line (sexual contact of some sort,intimate thoughts and feelings) that it is just a healthy curiosity. Now if you tried it and liked it then I would lean more towards BI. But I agree w/ Oprah ( I mean come on she's OPRAH

) so she must have some kind of reasoning behind her comment.

Sorry for rambling......
take care and don't feel a need to decide just let whatever happens happen.

levacy · 12-13-2005, 02:58 PM

there is nothing wrong with being attracted to that which we find beautiful. i have never had a gay experience but consider myself bi because i would be open to one if i weren't married and were available. i don't think you are gay because you would never have a gay relationship. we are human. we are built to want what is attractive. unless you are willing to go out and get it, i don't think it really means that much other than the fact that you have eyes.

S-piper · 12-18-2005, 08:04 PM

You know I have a rather....different theory about sexuality. The popular culture definition puts it into categories. Gay, straight, or bisexual.

I, however, believe that everyone is bisexual to a certain extent, so I see it as more of like a spectrum. I personally have no interest in ever having a sexual relationship with a woman, but I can recognize attractivness in other women. The same goes for straight men, even though a lot of them will fiercely deny it, they can judge other men.
Also someone mentioned earlier that they were bisexual but they tended to prefer one over the other rather then both being completely evenly preferred. Well that would go along with the spectrum metaphor too wouldn't it?

What do you guys think?

ABumpyGal · 12-19-2005, 01:04 AM

Oh I definitely think it's on a continuum, and we're not alone in this as I've had this discussion with many folks. This is one of the many reasons I hate labels so much. I'm called "straight" right now because I'm in a long term, monogamous relationship with a man, but who knows who I might be with if I wasn't with him? It's my personal belief, personal belief mind you, that very few people are pure, full-on straight or gay/lesbian. I'm sure they are out there, but not in the numbers that are currently assumed.

Once again, this is just my opinion and nothing more.

<----------------------------------------------------------------------->
straight * bi lesbian

Imagine this as the "sexual continuum". I am about where the asterix is. Plus this is just where I "think" I am now. One experience could change all that! I hugged a big girl and learned I had strong feelings for fluffy gals. I would have never known that, had that not happened! Perhaps that asterix should be shifted! My partner is very, very "femme" for a man. Perhaps the asterix is closer to the right than I assumed just by looking at genitalia.

I wish society were more open and that we were more free to experiment with our sexuality without shame or embarrassment. I've known more than a few "straights", married, kids, the whole lot, who turned out to not be straight at all. Tragedies and hurt feelings such as that might not happen if things were more open!

JMO!
Dana

ABumpyGal · 12-19-2005, 01:30 AM

Hi Girlywhirly!

Quote:

Originally Posted by girlywhirly

I want a man to fulfill my emotional needs and everything else, but there is a part of me that is wondering how it would be like with a woman. Is this normal of all straight women or am I bi or whatever?

I'm not going to try to tell you how to feel, but please do your best not to feel embarrassed hon. If we can't talk amongst our cysters about such private things, who can we talk to? I'm still new, but I've never seen anyone judged here (and I hope I don't! It would break my heart).

First off, think about what is sexualized in western society. Is it men's bodies? Men's butts? Abs? NO! It's women's bodies. We grow up constantly seeing women in a sexual context. If an advertisement is supposed to invoke "sexy" it uses a woman or her parts. Same in movies and TV. We are literally raised to subconsciously think sex=woman's body... breasts, butt, legs. We don't even think about it, but it's there. I remember reading studies on this more than a decade ago when this was a radical idea.

I think everyone on this earth wonders what it would be like to be with a person of the same sex, but particularly women. Why? Well, we have closer relationships generally. Men don't often hug or touch their friends for example and women often do (in general here!). That's one small step from intimacy of a sexual nature and who wouldn't wonder?

Just because one is bi doesn't mean, of course, that one can't have a husband and kids and all that stuff. You may decide, as you state, that men are what you truly want to fulfill your intimacy desires. But one really does need to think that out thoroughly before other's feelings get involved and could get hurt. I don't even have a word for what I am, as I am attracted to more than just traditional men and women but also transsexuals... just call me "pansexual" I suppose

That doesn't make me any less committed to my partner, who is a traditional (if a bit fey) man.

I'm sorry, a new medication is making communication very difficult for me and I can't quite say what I would like to, but I hope you got the gist of it. We will always find others attractive, whether we are gay, bi, straight, or other, but if you're committed you're committed and that's that. So there would be no more worries.

Hope that made some sense at all! Dang medicine!
Dana

tracylyn · 12-22-2005, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Just because one is bi doesn't mean, of course, that one can't have a husband and kids and all that stuff. You may decide, as you state, that men are what you truly want to fulfill your intimacy desires. But one really does need to think that out thoroughly before other's feelings get involved

True as the gospel..as they say..quick explaination...my first female lover,my very first love, first experience w/awoman was with someone i was with for a year and a half..I mean she seduced me, one night out of the blue..im walking in the room,we'd be roomates for a while..she says"Boo..u ever made it with a girl???I blushed as red as my hair dye job!! gulped a few times, stuttered out a shaky"n-n-n-ooooo....why? "
she says"would u eva?"
I'm like..."UMMM...maybe if i was really trashed to start with..why?"
she --"Girrrrl...tommorrow u r gettin' tore the f*** up! "
Keep in mind ladies, ive NEVER up till then even tried to get close to any female ...bear with me

So, next night I come home, she's pourin th e wine...and then after a few smokes and glasses, she startes to kiss me...Holy mother of Goddesses everywhere,shocks ricoched off my nerve endings ...i had NEVER felt anything so seductive and sensual,arousing in my life.....the caress of her full lips and tongue just kissing me on my mouth --shivers my skin from goosebumps to quivering so bad i had to sit down before i fell down....and thats when i knew...it all hit me...i had solved the big Q about why i never fit in anywhere, why i never could really feel inlove totally with a dude....even during sex...iwasn't really THERE, u know?!why i had always felt like i didn't belong anywhere.....that night, i had my first ORG !!!!!! (ididn't have to fake it) lmao
Skipping past my momentous self shattering revelation...lets play this out... a year goes by..we both are so damn far in the closet. we r up in the attic!!!ok?..lol...but we have been living 2gether,we-2 each other are lovers,partners...but to anyone outside our door..we r just 2 str8 roomates.....

little more time goes by...say another 6 months..by this time, i have been convinced, that we both are commited,and she has given ME every assurance that this is who/what she is..a lesbian....oookay then...

moving day comes.. we found a better house to live intogether..everything is great.My cousin &friends help move us..into the new
place.....5 months later, i find a LETTER on my pillow, which is not any longer next to her pillow...i wake up to all her stuff moved out of our bedroom..the letter... the damn letter informs me this- my loving gf has a baby due in a few months! Her and myCOUSIN'S!!!! She wasn't gay as she led me on to believe huh? she had that creep's baby,then married him, in that order, than 3 yrs later, moved out on him, across the country,divorced him, for a internet male lover!!!!! if u r gonna swim on both teams..plz inform the rest of your team--partner..whatever!! i was crushed..another chick, yeah, it would have crushed me,but i could have dealt..in time...but getting preg???and leaving me for the guy who is my family??! couldn't she have been woman enough to inform me b4..oh hell, even ok, AFTER the first time she f****d him???? it have been the humane thing to do..not wait till the kid is already halfway into our little situation..b4 she fesses"oh btw,im pregnant,been sleeping with skaterboy over there...we're getting married....." and ppl wonder why some women who love women have a hard time trusting!! it took me yrs to trust my emotions to anyone after that fiasco...so much for first experience with someone i loved,being meaningful...she should have just told me upfront that she was bi...and perhaps one day might see herself wanting another kid ...we might have split up, but maybe not.. my son(who was 2 when her and i first met)was a toddler back then..there could have been a discussion..a little honesty goes a long way y'know??

ABumpyGal · 12-22-2005, 10:01 PM

OMG Tracylyn that's horrible!!!! (((((((hugs))))))))! I'm so sorry that wench did that to you. As you said, she even seduced you... it's not like you went stalking after her or anything. Sheesh! How hurtful

I hope you are healed or are healing from that... as you said, that can sure cause some trust issues!

I mean no disrespect, really I don't, but this is how "bi" (girls in particular) get such a bad name and rap. No it isn't fair that everyone is blamed for the bad apples, but have a relationship like Tracylyn's, or two, or more, and a girl can get bitter. Not saying that you are Tracylyn, just saying that it can happen and is 100% understandable after being lead on like that so many times. Especially once being "bi" became fashionable, of all things. I saw a lot of people hurt by that! It's really unfortunate because I do believe a good proportion of women out there truly are bi and are hurt by this stereotype and prejudice. And thus more women are forced into the closet out of fear. It's a real shame all around really and could be fixed with just one thing... BEING HONEST!!

No one's saying it isn't ok to have fun and experiment to your heart's content, just make sure everything is fully on the table first. I'm so careful I won't even give a person a compliment at the club without prefacing it with, "Please don't take this as my coming on to you, as I'm committed...". Feelings are fragile people! Keep that in mind and you'll do A OK.

Dana
**And no, I'm not saying this to you personally Girlywhirly! Not in the least**

squidge63 · 12-23-2005, 03:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girlywhirly

Hi. This is probably going to be the most embarrassing post I'll ever write on this website... but here goes.

I am basically attracted to men. There is no question in my mind that I want a husband, children, family, etc.

On the other hand, I find myself looking at other girls. Is this normal or does it mean that I am bi or even gay? I am very self-conscious about it and I worry other people will think that I am a perv. I do not know if I look at them because I am envious of their bodies (mine never resembled the body of a real girl) or because I am attracted to them. I know that sometimes I will think of women but I was made aware (on Oprah) that most straight women fantasize about other women and it doesn't mean anything. I know that I would never want to have an emotional relationship with a woman (not because of societal of family pressures, although that is another issue) but because I just do not feel that way toward women. I want a man to fulfill my emotional needs and everything else, but there is a part of me that is wondering how it would be like with a woman. Is this normal of all straight women or am I bi or whatever?

As mentioned in other replies, many women have had fantasies, thoughts, ideas about other women, whether it is just wondering what they kiss like, to wild steamy romps in the hay. My theory is that if everyone in the world were true to themselves, you would find that TG/BI/LESBIAN/GAY/TS etc.. we would by far overtake the straight people that were left.

There is nothing abnormal about having those thoughts, it is all a part of your identity, some people know from the get go that they are 150% straight and have never entertained a gay thought at all. Others like yourself, both male and female do have thoughts about being with the same sex, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Even if you don't act on those feelings, whether you are Bi, lesbian, gay or straight, they are all just words, it is how you feel in yourself. So many love to live by labels and how you Identify, personally I am ME.. but for those that love lablels and ID's I am TG/Masculine/Butch..

My best friend is Bi and she is in a loving relationship with a woman, she still fancies men but would never cheat on her partner with a man, or another woman come to that. If they ever parted she is just as likely to fall in love with a man if one came along, if another woman came along then so be it. I don't understand how people can be in a relationship say guy and girl, and then decides one day oh hunni i feel like a woman tonight and go out and f**k a woman and then return to her boyfriend.. but then I also don't understand open relationships being in polyamorus relationships. With me I am extremely happy and content with one partner.

As a gay person I also find that because I am also very masculine, some straight women (or are they bi who knows but don't want to take any action on their feelings), get very close to me, and are quite touchy and flirtatious.. it doesn't only happen to me, other gay friends have said the same. It's as if they are letting out some of their curiousness, if that makes sense. I tend not to notice people flirting generally it goes right over my head ...lol. They also know that I wouldn't make a move on them either, not like some gay woman who see it as their personal crusade in the world to bed every straight woman..., I am a one woman person, and I am totally and utterly head over heels in

love

with my partner, and we have just had our 1st anniversary, which we will celebrate when she arrives in the UK next week..

I would put it down to being curious, if you do decide to do something about it then maybe you would fall into the bi category... but either way there is nothing wrong with having those thoughts. Your post isn't embarrassing girlywhirly, far from it...

girlywhirly · 12-26-2005, 05:04 AM

Hi all. Thanks for the replies.

I guess I don't need a label after all! Thanks for the reassurance.

tracylyn · 12-26-2005, 10:14 PM

well, even though i don't really "like" labels, i myself do not date men any longer..that first experience i had with my first woman was a revelation to me, as i had said. i dated men , yes, and yes, i had a child, but that was b4 i was introduced to the love of a woman. I had never been able to relate to guys, emotionally, mentally, or physically..i swear, as to faking the orgasms with dudes.the award goes to me...i always thought something was wrong with me, bc i didn't really want to be with guys,,but back then, i thought that i didn't "have" a choice....i didn't know a lot of things that could be open to me..but i was 19 when i was "turned"...and it's unfortunate, but there is a very small gay community where i live, mostly men, so mostly, now, i remain single..i'd rather be alone than to have to live the lie ..live the str8 life again..so yeah, i guess to society's standards, i am a lesbian...and at the moment i feel as if i am the only single ,"out" over 30 one in this city...it's been a few years since i had the opportunity to be introduced to another lesbian in this city. But at least loneliness isn't driving me into a man's bed anymore.

merrickgirl · 12-27-2005, 09:16 PM

Ive had an attraction to women since I was in elementry school !! BUT I also liked boys , talk about confusing at the age of 11 , geesh....... Women are beautiful, its OK to be attracted to them, but I LOVE da' men folk LOL. I could maintain a sexual relationship with a woman but not an emotional one. but hey thast just me.

so I guess that makes me BI... i think gay is if you can have something deeper then sex and bi is if you are attracted to the sexual lure of another female, make any sence?

joyblack · 01-02-2006, 10:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girlywhirly

Hi. This is probably going to be the most embarrassing post I'll ever write on this website... but here goes.

I am basically attracted to men. There is no question in my mind that I want a husband, children, family, etc.

On the other hand, I find myself looking at other girls. Is this normal or does it mean that I am bi or even gay? I am very self-conscious about it and I worry other people will think that I am a perv. I do not know if I look at them because I am envious of their bodies (mine never resembled the body of a real girl) or because I am attracted to them. I know that sometimes I will think of women but I was made aware (on Oprah) that most straight women fantasize about other women and it doesn't mean anything. I know that I would never want to have an emotional relationship with a woman (not because of societal of family pressures, although that is another issue) but because I just do not feel that way toward women. I want a man to fulfill my emotional needs and everything else, but there is a part of me that is wondering how it would be like with a woman. Is this normal of all straight women or am I bi or whatever?

You are who you are. You say your body never resembled that of a real girl -- well, I can relate to that. Didn't have breasts. Had a moustache heavier than most guys'. Curious what "real" girls were like, but certainly didn't fancy one in a sexual sense. Desperately wanted a guy. The problem solved itself for me when I rushed out to a get-together one evening without taking time to put on a bra or shave. This guy saw me -- I was 19 -- and for some reason was interested but thought from my flat chest I was far too young for him. Then he saw the coarse black stubble on my upper lip and realised that I must have been shaving for years. So he made enquiries of someone else about how old I was, and the rest is history. He and I are both very conscious of the fact that we have a great physical relationship in large measure because of my high testosterone levels. I have the necessary "equipment" for a physical relationship as a female but the sort of drive that's more normal in a male.
Have a look at your fingers. If your ring fingers are longer than your index fingers, do a Google search on "digit ratio" and you can find out something about the question.

BayGirl · 01-02-2006, 10:23 PM

I used to get asked this question a lot but I refused to answer it simply. I would use the tagline to 'Chasing Amy' - "It's not WHO you love, it's HOW".

I am HAPPILY married to a man. I still wont say I am straight. I have had long-term relationships with women and men before. I have had short-term ones as well. I have been with women intimately and have held hands, snuggled, kissed, wrote poems and love letters, thought about how we could have kids and all that. Same with a man.

I used to look at people as a sex when I was younger. Then by the time I got to college.... just like there is no boundaries on race, there are none to sex. It is who a person is INSIDE that attracts you and makes you fall in love. So to me it doesn't matter if they are male or female.

In general, women's bodies far surpass men's in their beauty but I dont think too m any people will dispute that. I do know I am very picky when it comes to men but find more women attractive.

And in regards to everyone being gay to some extent... that is basically correct to me. We were even taught that in school. They made liek this scale from 1-10 on the board and said 1 is gay as ya get and 10 is straight as ya get but about 90% of the population falls in between. Dot know that their stats are right but I agree there are many shades to the spectrum and it isn't so black and white,

Much Love!

cheech · 02-04-2006, 04:14 AM

I feel the same way girlywhirly! Before I was on Birth Control my hormones were up and down. For 4 months I was attracted to women, the next four men, etc. I thought I was Bi, if not gay. Now that my hormones are starting to stabilize I still find myself attracted to both sexes, however it's not so up and down. I consider myself a two in the Kinsey scale. I've never so much as kissed a woman, and although I'd like to be physically intimate with a woman, I don't have any desire to have sex with a woman. I wouldn't stress over it too much. I really do think a lot of straight girls are attracted to other women.