Strong enough?

Amavin · 04-10-2006, 07:41 PM

Ok I'm brand new to this and I'd like some advice.

I'm 24 years old and when I was 16 I got pregnant...i carried to 17 weeks, and my life was incredibly hard at that time (Mom left, going to HS full time, working almost 35 hours a week, walking miles from school to work, trying to make a long distance relationship etc) I think my body just couldn't keep it all together. However because I was 16 and terrified of the repercussions of my condition, I never went to the doctor, never got an ultrasound, etc... not until I was at work and doubled over. It's been 8 years and I've blocked out most of the experience, but i do remember the doctor telling me that it was a little girl (named her Elizabeth Marie) there wasn't much damage, and I should be OK to have kids in the future.

I got married 3 years later and my husband and I tried for 4 years to have kids. nothing, not even a nibble. Now fast forward, we are divorcing now, so it's actually kind of a blessing we never conceived. I'm moving on with my life and I'm concerned. I just found out I have PCOS, as does my mother, and grandmother, and every woman in our family. So I know if it's meant to be I will have a baby. My main heartache with PCOS is that since I was 16 years old I knew I was meant to be a mom. I was put on this earth to be a mom...and i know I'll be a damn good one too. If I can't have a baby because of PCOS, I honestly don't know what I'd do with my life.

My main question is.... How do you woman who have gone through the absolute heartbreak of losing a baby do it over and over again? I'm absolutely petrified of going through this again. I'm a damn strong woman, I've been through hell. I can't handle almost anything, but I don't know if I would be strong enough to lose another baby.

Tia38 · 04-10-2006, 09:00 PM

Welcome Amavin.... I'm sorry to hear your story, but it sounds like you come from a LONG LINE of VERY STRONG WOMAN. You can handle whatever comes your way. That's not to say it will be easy.... but you'll find a way. And with any luck you won't have as many bumps as you expect/fear.

It sounds like you have a very fully plate right now....take things one at a time. Get treatment for your PCOS if appropriate -- metformin is often helpful in getting hormones and cycle back in line... depending you your symptons and problems there may be other tx. Take care of yourself as you go through your divorce. Make time for you.

I've only lost one baby (m/c in Dec 05) but I am often fearful of the next time.... I'm inspired by another cyster's siggie -- "My desire to be a mother is stronger than my fear of another m/c." And it is so true.

I can't control whether or not I'm afraid... but I can control what I do about it. What do I do? Lot's of deep breaths, support from family and friends (in real-life and online), and try not to worry so much about what ifs (that's really hard).

I am very sorr to hear about your loss... I hope you find comfort on these boards. I wish we were meeting under better circumstances, but I'm glad if I'm able to give you my support.

Hugs,
-Tia

Amavin · 04-10-2006, 09:14 PM

Oh I am taking things very slow. I'm not looking to have a baby soon (although I always wanted to be a young mother). I have a divorce to get, weight to lose and an education to get atm.

Tia38 · 04-10-2006, 09:33 PM

Good for you! You also found the tickers and the siggies... I think you're going to be fine. :-)

Cheers,
-Tia

enits · 04-10-2006, 09:51 PM

I'm so sorry for the baby you lost. ((hugs)) That must have been such a life altering moment for you. You seem to be a well put together woman. You have goals for yourself and you know what you want. I wish you well in everything you do. Now to answer your question of:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amavin

.... How do you woman who have gone through the absolute heartbreak of losing a baby do it over and over again? I'm absolutely petrified of going through this again. I'm a damn strong woman, I've been through hell. I can't handle almost anything, but I don't know if I would be strong enough to lose another baby.

I just hang on to hope. Hope for the best, hope for the future. I know the best is yet to come. I also know that it doesn't always come easy and that I can't have it all. I've surrounded myself with a few people who care about and love me for who I am so that really helps me through those times when it seems like nothing seems to be working.

LaurAnnHere · 04-10-2006, 10:03 PM

I am so very sorry for your loss. I thought I'd share my story with you since our losses are so similar. Perhaps it will give you hope for the future as well.

I was in college when Matthew and I got pregnant. I was 19 years old. Matthew and I were not married yet. The pregnancy was quite a surprise to us because I had been told that I was unable to get pregnant. I was afraid to tell my parents, but we shared with Matthew's parents and sister who were happy about it. Soon our fear began to wane and we became excited about the prospect of becoming parents, though we were still afraid. I still delayed telling my parents because I knew they would be unhappy about it. I kept trying to work up the nerve. One day I began bleeding. It was a few days before I was scheduled to have my first u/s done. I wasn't really sure how far along I was. Matthew and his sister took me to the hospital and very shortly thereafter I delivered 17 week old twin boys. They were really tiny and I was shocked at their appearance. The nurse did wrap them in a blanket together and let me hold them for a few minutes. I don't remember anyone giving me any options as to what to do with them. I left the hospital with a prescrition for some pain medication and a paper that told me to follow up with my doctor and come back if I bled too much.

I stayed at Matthew's sister's house that night. We called the college and let them know where I was. They took it upon themselves to call my parents. They were upset at my pregnancy but had no sympathy for my loss. I was kicked out of college because I went to a Church of God College that had rules against premarital sex. My parents were angry and I was forbidden to mention my pregnancy. It became one of those awful family secrets. I don't know what happened to my babies. My worst fear is that they were disposed of as medical waste. I didn't get any pictures, footprints, or anything showing they ever existed until my parents received the insurance statement which billed for an "abortion" which upset me greatly. Even now, my husband and I have a difficult time talking about the twins. We never named them. If we ever speak of them we call them "the twins." Sometimes I still cry over them. Just because we were young doesn't mean we didn't want them and love them. Pretending they didn't exist didn't make them go away, it only made me feel more alone in my pain. I blamed myself for not having prenatal care. I wanted to die because I killed my babies.

Several years later Matthew and I got married and we began fertility treatments right away since we knew that I was going to have difficulty getting pregnant (I never had a period again after I stopped bleeding from the birth of the twins). As the months, then years, rolled by with failed cycles and repeat m/c I thought I was never going to have another chance to have a baby. I even thought God was punishing me for killing my babies.

In December 2003 I found out I was pregnant again. This was directly following a 4 week m/c. I never believed I would carry that baby, but I did. Not only did I carry my baby, but he saved me from something that had been tormenting me all those years. I did not kill my babies. I have an incompetent cervix. I lost my twins due to something I could not possibly have controlled. The chances that prenatal care could have saved them is very slim. Only a miracle stopped my son from being born at 24 weeks. Having the answer to my first loss has been a huge weight off my shoulders. More importantly, having an answer gives me the ability to try to help others from going through the pain I did. Another lady on here, VivC, and I created a website called www.fightIC.com to help promote awareness about incompetent cervix. Since your loss was at 16 weeks, that may very well explain your loss as well. Please check out the website so that you have information that you may need in the future. I also have a website for my miracle baby, Jamie, at www.myPCOSbaby.com if you want to read more about my experience with that pregnancy. I have a Pregnancy Loss page as a memorial to all the babies I have lost on Jamie's website. It shares my thoughts and feelings about pregnancy loss and resources for people who are going through loss (a couple of poems, a list of support sites, and a list of books on loss).

My twins died over 9 years ago. It is because of Soul Cysters and the wonderful support that these ladies gave me that I have been able to tell people about them. They made me feel comfortable enough to share my loss with them. It felt really good to finally tell my story and it has really helped me deal with the emotions that have been bottled up all these years. It really does help to be able to share with others.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 04-11-2006, 01:15 AM

Hi Amavin!

Welcome to SC. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I've been fearful with each pregnancy. But I too, know I was meant to be a Mom. My siggy is the one another poster mentioned. It's at the end of my post. Those words are what gets me through many of the difficult days.

LaurAnnHere · 04-11-2006, 03:37 AM

Gina - I think those words have been an inspiration to a lot of people!

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 04-11-2006, 10:35 PM

Thanks LauraAnn,

I was in a support group meeting after my 2nd loss, and another Mom asked me how I could even try again. Next thing I knew those words were coming out of my mouth. It was rather surreal. This was 5 days after losing Jamie, and here I was saying something so profound. Those words have definetly kept me going.