Stupid things people say ...

maddieb · 01-01-2008, 02:35 AM

Hey girls, it is with a very heavy heart that I am now discovering this area of sc. I lost my bean on Saturday, at about 8 weeks. We had not told very many people, but because of the circumstances of my m/c we had to tell people about what had happened.

One of those people was my SIL -- while she knows that I have PCOS, she has no clue about IF and we choose to keep our fertility treatments private. Anyway, today she called to check in following my u/s to confirm the loss. What did she say??

"A lot of women have miscarriages and didn't even know they were pregnant."

Yes that may be true. I saw this baby's h/b THREE times.

I know she meant well but I am so angry I don't know when I will be able to speak to her again.

RunnerDuck · 01-01-2008, 03:14 AM

I'm so sorry you lost your baby... this time of year especially.

I've always thought my mother deserved first prize or at least runner-up for her comment after my first miscarriage - "Well, why do you think you're pregnant? Maybe you're not even pregnant, is that possible?" In that case I had a blighted ovum so no baby technically developed, just an empty gestational sac. We were at the point where 2 ultrasounds 2 weeks apart proved this wasn't going to pan out. It wasn't like I was late with my period and went out shopping for cribs and car seats or then AF showed... I had a + pee test, my blood HCG was rising, there was a sac in my uterus, all that... "Maybe you're not even pregnant." UGH!!! I'm inFERTILE, not inSANE!

Next to that is the old "Well at least you know you can get pregnant." Which DOES have some truth to it, especially for us... since, OK, it means "Well at least your mule-headed ovaries decided to give up an egg." TRUE! But you're still left screaming at nature, why bother fertilizing, why bother implanting, why bother giving me a second pink line, if you weren't any good to begin with?? Why get my hopes up and then put me out of the running to try again for the next few months? Why not just not bother to begin with?? A friend of mine who should have known better made that comment after my 2nd or 3rd loss... and she IMMEDIATELY said "Oh my god, I can't believe I said that." Ha. At least she caught herself.

It's funny, though, how people see if differently from different sides. If you have never been through a loss, I guess it CAN look like a comfort to get pregnant. There was a girl in an infertility support group I went to who commented how she hated reading stories about people who were TTC, how they'd have miscarriages - to her (who had never been pregnant at all) it was like they had no business complaining because "at least they could get pregnant." But to me, who had been burned too many times by the betas rising... but nothing growing... or the heartbeat stopping... it was like please, a BFN beats another miscarriage because you just start to think that's ALL that is going to ever happen. At least you can get pregnant. SO WHAT?? if nothing ever comes from it?

To take some comfort from "women have losses all the time without even knowing..." ... it's true. I know it sucks when YOU knew, when YOU saw the heartbeat, when YOU were trying... it's just not QUITE the same. BUT - I still believe - and even before this pregnancy I believed it - that one loss doesn't mean you're doomed to losses over and over. The fact that it happens so often - whether you know or not - well, what it really means is, sometimes it comes down to crappy luck. Sometimes.

I know it hurts for you right now - I know that first hand and very well.

I hope things go better next time - and there's no reason to think they won't!

SheriKCMO · 01-01-2008, 08:24 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss! And I'm sorry for the things that come out of other people's mouths. I know that they just want to say *something*, but that is totally unnecessary. In fact, I think it might be a good policy to say at the beginning, "I don't want you to respond, but I need to tell you what's happening in my life." With SIL, it would probably be a good idea to maintain distance from her while you are feeling your lowest. It's impossible to believe right now, but the days to get easier to manage as time passes. When you feel better, you might know what to say or email to her.
(((Hugs)))

amieb · 01-02-2008, 02:45 AM

Why are people so rude? If you don't know what to say... try this.... don't say anything at all. I mean c'mon people!
I had people tell me "Act like you're in college & don't want to get preg"....umm, yea. I've been having unprotected sex for 5 years. I just don't think that's going to work. When I had my m/c a lady at church said to me "well, it was just meant to be b/c something could have been wrong w/ it." I wanted to scream. Just say you're sorry & move on.

I am sorry for your loss. Getting preg & then having a m/c does show you can get preg, but that doesn't mean your heart isn't being ripped out of your chest. I think of my baby every day. I think of how big I'd be & how excited we'd be. That was my baby & I'll love baby Sam until the day I die!

StormsDreams · 01-02-2008, 08:37 PM

I am so sorry for your loss....
I suffered a loss at 20 weeks...so i know what its like to see the baby and know that the baby WAS real...
Please be kind to yourself and remember that at one time or another all of us have said something we perhaps didnt even realise was of bad taste.
You can either ignore those comments and chalk it up to just people not knowing how to approach these sensitive matters, or talk to your SIL about her comment and express to her that you are very hurt and still grieving over your loss. I do caution you on the second option as you may get further undesirable comments...
Peace and Blessings to you and your family!

Raven

Twisted Cyster · 01-03-2008, 10:30 PM

I am also so sorry for your loss. I had a m/c in July 2007 and although I did get some wonderful support, I also got my fair share of 'best left in your thoughts' comments.

I found out a couple of months after the m/c that I had PCOS and in response to my worries about possibly having difficulty concieving, my friend emailed that "a family consists of those you love, not just those that come out of you." This coming from someone who has two kids of her own. I know she means well, but if you already have kids and you really have no idea what it feels like not to, then sticking with "I'm sorry this is happening to you, I am here for you." is fine.

I know your frustration.

Sheri

MissChrystal · 01-03-2008, 10:43 PM

I'm sorry for your loss, sometimes people don't realize what an impact their words have...when a simple hug can speak volumes.

OrangeHokies · 01-04-2008, 06:22 PM

I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks - after seeing the heartbeat and thus sharing the news with my family.

I think the hardest thing to hear was, "It was meant to be", from people who never gone through it. True enough, sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. I wish my MIL had considered her words before speaking as well. Though she'd had two miscarriages in her late teens, she told me (kindly, even!) that I needed to "get over it, it wasn't the worst thing in the world that can happen." Oh, and I'm sure she followed that with "it was meant to be".

I just tried to stay away from her as well as everyone else who said hurtful things. When I became pregnant with my son, I waited until I was 14 weeks to tell our families just to avoid a recurrence of the previous events...and people's stupidity.

I'm sorry for your loss. It's a shame that well-meaning people (however misguided) sometimes make things worse.

ChantelleC · 01-04-2008, 07:35 PM

I hate when people tell you "there is a good reason why this happened" What could honestly be a good reason? oir right now I love my husband dearly but i hate when he says we can have another one.It's not like buying a puppy. Another one is not the one you just bonded with, it's not the same.

SaraW26 · 01-05-2008, 10:58 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss....and sorry you have to deal w/those stupid comments.

i really don't know why people can't just say, "I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm here if you need me today, tomorrow, or next year....."

My SIL was about as considerate as yours...I had my mom call my sis and SIL, because i did not feel like talking to anyone....specially my SIL, who has 2 kids and both were conceived the first month they tried. Anyways, she calls my cell, and leaves a message and says, "Call me"....like it's no big deal, I should just pick up the phone so we can shoot the sh!t. She made me feel like I should just stop crying and get over it. Like so what, you lost a baby, move on.

i'm sorry, i got alittle carried away in my sorrows....this is about you.

Please try to not listen to those ignorant people that have no idea what you are going thru. I'm sure they mean no harm....they don't realize their stupidity is the harm. If you need to talk, please feel free to PM me.

sara

Rohan · 01-09-2008, 07:41 PM

I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how hard this is for me so can only imagine what you are feeling.

I had a m/c before christmas. My DH and I had not told anyone we were preg so I was devistated but had no one to talk to. So I told my mom, who I konw has the "pull up your bootstraps" mentality b/c of all she has gone through...but it was the worst mistake of my life. I got "Cheer up it could be cancer, I thought you were on the pill, this was a stupid time for you to get preg anyways, everyone has had a m/c, maybe you should lose weight before trying again, etc etc" Needless to say Christmas sucked and Im still super down.

rynngo · 01-10-2008, 06:07 PM

Maddieb - I am sorry for your loss. I think people say stupid things because they are trying to be helpful and don't realize how hurtful those things are. What was it that our teachers always said, "think before you speak" We shouldn't have to remind people of that. Grieve all you want and when you feel better, remind your idiot SIL to "think" before she speaks. while it is true that most women have had a m/c, unless they knew they were pregnant and m/c, not everyone

rohan - that's horrible! Although I did get a similar answer from my mother last week when I told her I was going back to the fertility doctor to try again this year. My mom had the gall to tell me that "God may have given me the pregnancy, but HE took it away from me for a reason." It was very hurtful and I responded by saying, "yes HE did take away my baby. And I believe the reason was to tell me 'hey stupid, you have a problem, figure it out.' And I did figure it out and that is why at the age of 38 I am trying to have my children before I hit 40 so that my chances of having no children or children with disabilities is lower." you can imagine, she changed the subject to "well there are risks of having a child when you are that big." (another stupid thing people say) At which I asked "which one are you referring to? Diabetes, pre-eclampsia, downe syndrome, etc." It shut her up because she tends to go off on things and not really know the wealth of knowledge us cysters know about our condition.

rynngo · 01-10-2008, 06:10 PM

sorry forgot to finish my thought....I wanted to say not everyone has had a m/c. I believe those that say those stupid things are the ones that have never experienced it.